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Do you ever really get over a miscarriage?

(18 Posts)
Hiddenbiscuits Sun 23-Jun-13 23:23:05

Had an ectopic pregnancy removed 10 years ago, i thought i was over it but now i have DD (2 years) and she fascinates me i keep thinking about what the baby would have been like, looked like etc. It wasn't with DH so probably wouldnt look like my DD as they are 2 peas in a pod. Last night i burst into tears thinking i should have 2 children, DD should have a big brother/ sister!

Its hard to describe but having a child now hasn't replaced that baby i want them both, i wish that one could have been born. Is this normal? I was only 8 weeks pregnant which makes me think its not normal. And i wish it had been buried properly rather than disposed of in clinical waste hmm

Homebird8 Mon 24-Jun-13 06:40:58

Oh, Hiddenbiscuits, I am so sorry you lost your baby. I lost my first at 16 weeks, 12 years ago. I have since had two more beautiful boys but when we are out walking, or on the beach, or at the shops, I still look for their big brother. They have friends who look similar(ish) and my heart yearns to believe that everything worked out and that the child who regularly plays with them is our first boy.

I don't think it will change, we have to learn to live with it. I don't want to have to though and I'm sure you don't either.

There is nothing to stop you holding a ceremony for your little one. In fact, if you didn't have the chance at the time it may help. Sending you a handhold. flowers

Hiddenbiscuits Mon 24-Jun-13 06:48:24

Thank you, I'm so sorry about your little one, it must e heart breaking to lose a baby at that stage... I think i just find it confusing because it hasnt been in my mind for so many years. Plus at 16 weeks you must have felt your baby move, it physically looks like a baby, you saw him on a scan so its understandable that you would feel like this, you had bonded with a tiny real person... 8 weeks is just a bundle of cells thats why i don't think it is rational to feel this way is it?

Homebird8 Mon 24-Jun-13 09:20:49

You know what Hidden, I always thought it must be worse not to have that little body to say goodbye to. I felt so strongly for families which lost even tinier ones. I don't know how I could have done that. My little boy had a gown (made by my DM), a coffin made by his DF, a soft bed within it made by me, and a name which he will have forever. His brothers know him by name and he has always been a part of their lives. Maybe one day you will choose to tell your DD about what might have been?

Hiddenbiscuits Mon 24-Jun-13 10:33:46

Thank you so much for your replies it is the first time i have put it into words and it feels good. I was 17 at the time and it was treated as a clinical procedure- remove a blockage within a fallopian tube. Hardly anybody even knows that i had a baby there. I feel like a weight has been lifted just typing this to you smile i have been thinking about what you said about a ceremony, maybe a plant in the garden that i can tend to and look after in his or her memory. I wish i knew if it was a girl or boy but it doesn't really matter. I will write it a letter saying how loved it would have been and all the things i would say now if i could have a real funeral for it. I wish it had be buried properly. Thank you so very much for taking the time to reply xx

Myliferocks Mon 24-Jun-13 10:43:58

My 2nd pregnancy ended in a m/c 13 years ago that resulted in a D & C.
I've since gone on and had 4 children, 5 in total.
I was absolutely devastated at the time and took a while to grieve but now I hardly ever think about what happened.
I know that probably makes me sound really heartless but I tend to think that things happen for a reason and if things had been different then I wouldn't have the children that I do iyswim.
In answer to your question, yes I got over my m/c.

Homebird8 Mon 24-Jun-13 10:55:29

Your little one was not just a clinical procedure Hidden. It sounds as if making some way of marking the memory might help you. There is no harm in deciding that it was a boy or a girl, or even naming them if it helps. I'm pretty sure (from what the medics said) that we lost our little boy's twin earlier in that pregnancy too. In my head she was a little girl. No harm in that, and plenty of love. There can never be too much love.

Myliferocks, you don't sound heartless. You, like all of us, have made a place in your life for what happened. I have to say that most of the time I have a busy and full life and I don't dwell on what happened either. I just think that for me there will always be that space where he would have been. Sometimes that is still achingly fresh. I'm so glad you feel you got over your m/c. If there is one thing I learned, it is that each person's experience is different and just as valid.

flowers for both of you.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Mon 24-Jun-13 11:02:09

No. I'll never, ever, ever get over it.

JazzAnnNonMouse Mon 24-Jun-13 11:51:29

Yes I have. I have 2 dds now and I don't think of myself as having 3 dc but one isn't here at all.
That makes me sound heartless. At the time I was v upset as although it was an accident it turns out a very much wanted one and it paved the way for me and dh (then dp) deciding that actually we wanted children much sooner than we originally thought we did.

I don't often think about it now but if I do it's more in a 'that happened' kind of way rather than grief. I think partly because a few more (imo) worse things have happened since then so it kind of falls into insignificance when compared with dhs brain cancer diagnoses for example. (He has been given the all clear now)

I'm very grateful for the dds I have and for me life in the present is precious enough so I guess that stops me from wondering what might've been too much.

I hope you find a way to deal with your grief but everyone is different. I think having a plant is a nice idea (It wouldn't work for me - I kill plants v v easily!)

Irishmammybread Mon 24-Jun-13 11:57:51

Hidden I think you're perfectly entitled to grieve for a lost baby, whatever the stage of gestation.
I know for me, I believe that a little life is created at the point of conception, that little bundle of cells has the potential to be a real little person.When I've had a BFP ,even though I try to be realistic and am aware things may go wrong, I can't help but look into the future and imagine what he/she will be like and start making plans,when I miscarry it's a loss of a future life with this child as part of our family.
I have a friend who miscarried her first pregnancy at 9 weeks and she told me the it hit her even harder when she had her next baby, it was then she could identify more with what she had actually lost IYSWIM.
I'm lucky to have three DC already but miscarried last year at 11 weeks.We decided to try again ,I knew it wouldn't replace what we'd lost but felt that real "empty arm syndrome" and longed for a baby, it felt like there was a member missing from the family. I've had a further three miscarriages since and DH now thinks we should stop trying, I'm 45 and realistically our chance of a successful pregnancy are low and it is heartbreaking repeatedly miscarrying.
The last miscarriage was only a month ago so feelings are still very raw, I don't think I'll ever get over losing my babies but hope in time I can come to terms with it.

Irishmammybread Mon 24-Jun-13 12:05:37

I don't know how to post links but Bakingtins has put a link on some other threads to a site with an article "Mother and Child Connected at the Cellular Level" (if you google this it's easy to find) . I find it some comfort to think there's a permanent connection to babies lost.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Jun-13 12:09:28

I am sorry for your loss x

I don't think you ever get over it, but you do learn to live with it...just like any other bereavement I guess

Time is a healer (a cliche, but so true). My losses were many years ago now, but I still remember that utter devastation and helplessness.

Hiddenbiscuits Mon 24-Jun-13 15:42:46

That article was really lovely thank you, I am glad so many of you have moved forward. I think i was just surprised by my own feelings because i haven't felt any sadness before- it was always seen by my family as a blessing in disguise so i didn't become a teenage mum, give up uni etc. The sense of loss seemed to come out of nowhere now that i do have a baby, i suppose its like someone said you dont know what you are missing until you have

stargirl1701 Mon 24-Jun-13 15:53:45

Yes. I think I found my mc easier to cope with because I had already lost my mum. I knew what intense grief felt like...and that it didn't last forever. I would feel like me again one day.

The memories remain but the jagged raw edges do go eventually.

Hiddenbiscuits Mon 24-Jun-13 15:54:33

Anyway thats enough of my whinging, i know i am lucky to have a healthy child and i am very grateful for that smile take care of yourselves ladies

MsGee Mon 24-Jun-13 16:03:45

I think you live alongside it but for many it's hard to fully get over. I'm not sure I can. I've adjusted but its always there.

I had two early mc's and they were awful. I then found out the next baby had anencephaly at 12 weeks which was hell.

However I understand what Homebird is saying. I treasure that on the last pregnancy I saw my baby wave on the ultrasound, I felt it move and felt a stronger connection. Whilst that brings some extra pain, it does provide comfort to know that there was a funeral (even if the hospital didn't invite me...) and a recognition that the baby was.

So sorry for everyone's losses. flowers

MrsDeVere Mon 24-Jun-13 16:14:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bakingtins Mon 24-Jun-13 22:26:11

Hi all - I'm glad to hear the link I posted has helped some of you.
I had my first MC in 2009 and it had never really entered my head that a BFP did not = a baby, so I was devastated. For me, as for many of us, that bundle of cells was brimming with potential. I subsequently had another child but I do still think about how old that baby would have been and from time to time I feel sad about losing her. I think I probably grieved quite intensely at the time, and then was able to move on. If you never had the opportunity to deal with the feelings of sadness and loss then I think they do return to bite you on the bum at some future point. I think the advice to do something now to say goodbye to your baby is sound.
In the last year I've had 3 consecutive miscarriages, and the loss associated with them has been quite different, partly because I have consciously not thought of them as individuals or babies, knowing that the chances of MC were getting worse each time. The sadness now is all about what might never be and the gap in our family.
Everyone has their own way of coping, their own feelings about their losses, there is no right or wrong.

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