It's a few weeks after my miscarriage and I am suddenly feeling overwhelmed with grief.
Its my birthday today and this was supposed to be when we announced the pregnancy to everyone.
Instead I spent it trying to look happy when my heart ached and trying not to let my sadness ruin my sisters' first pregnancy (after years of difficulties with IVF so we have all been so happy for her). She is 31wks and the baby kept kicking her. I'm genuinely so happy for her but a squirming healthy baby hurts so much right now.
I want my baby back. This might sound strange but I feel a real physical longing to have the baby back inside me even if its little heart isn't beating anymore. I know this is completely irrational and some people feel very upset by carrying the baby when it's no longer alive but I felt better before the surgery than after it. Almost like I can still protect it or be with it where as now the separation feels too much to bear.
I couldn't say any of that to anyone in RL and hope it doesn't sound completely mad written down.
At the moment I feel as though this pain will follow me for the rest of my life. I feel desperate to be pregnant again but know that wont take the loss away.
I have realised that I also feel a strong sense of failure. Maybe even ashamed. Like I couldn't protect my young. Again, I know this is irrational and really hope that is not offensive to anyone. I know at an intellectual level it's ridiculous but that doesn't seem to stop it.
After feeling as though I was working through things quite well I have been in floods of tears tonight. Literally unable to stop. Memories are flooding me. The sonographers voice at the first scan, my husband's face when he saw mine, having to let people know, being wheeled in to surgery etc etc.
None of this probably makes much sense as I'm very upset writing this but I was hoping someone who has experienced this heart break could tell me the same intensity won't be there forever and other peoples' pregnancies and babies become easier to manage.
I think most of all I'm desperate for a 'hug'. One I don't seem to be able to ask for elsewhere.
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Just so sad. Please tell me the pain eases
13 replies
WibWoo · 23/06/2013 15:14
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