Advanced search

Found out last night night

(60 Posts)
cosmickitten Wed 12-Jun-13 10:58:40

I had a private reassurance scan last night as I couldn't fight the feeling something was wrong. It showed by baby died at 8 weeks ( I was 11 1/2 weeks).

Had a scan at 6 and 7 weeks due to a bleed and seemed fine (a day it small but worryingly so).

This is my first pregnancy. I feel pregnant after a year of ttc. The positive test came just days before we were due to start fertility treatment in nhs.

If one more person tells me at least you can get pregnant I will scream. I want this baby!! I don't wish to return month after month of hopeless ttc.

I dont want to be feeling pregnant knowing my baby has died. I saw my gp last night who was lovely but there are appointments for the epu until late tomorrow afternoon. I dread to think how long the wait for the erpc might be.

Sorry I simply need to vent .

katatonic Thu 13-Jun-13 17:17:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cosmickitten Thu 13-Jun-13 17:39:08

Just back from hospital. They are able to do op tomorrow. The staff where amazing especially the lady who carried out the final scan. Very sad but feels like the right way to say goodbye to our baby. Able to take in that it looked like a baby with arms , legs, and a face. Makes it easier to grieve a baby not just a pregnancy.

Bakingtins Thu 13-Jun-13 19:59:43

Glad you don't have to wait too long, Cosmic. Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

cosmickitten Fri 14-Jun-13 08:21:37

I was so anxious to get everything over with and know that it is right thing. However knowing my little one wont be inside me much longer is breaking my heart. I was supposed to carry and grow my baby until I could hold them in my arms.

RainbowConnections Fri 14-Jun-13 09:22:08

Hi Cosmic its really sad. x

Tomkat79 Fri 14-Jun-13 12:12:44

Oh cosmic. Heart is breaking for you here. It's still so raw for me 6 weeks on. You're right, it really isn't how it should be. Stay as str

Tomkat79 Fri 14-Jun-13 12:13:07

Strong as you can through this shitty shitty time. Lots of love x

spiderlight Fri 14-Jun-13 12:20:28

So very sorry. Holding your hand. I went through similar at Christmas, MMC picked up at a routine scan at 11 weeks. It's horrible sad Thinking of you xx

Solo Fri 14-Jun-13 12:41:57

I'm sorry for your loss cosmic sad .
I could have written your post almost to the letter. I had been trying for 12 years, was just at the top of the IVF list as I split with my (now) exh, got involved with someone else and found myself pg. I started bleeding after weeks of feeling dreadful and found that my 10 1/2 week pregnancy had died at 6 1/2 weeks. I had to sit waiting for a scan with all those lucky ladies sporting their bumps too.
I was in hell. I dealt with it badly mentally too and by this time, I was almost 33, so felt my time was running out.

I did go on to have my Ds and he was born almost 2 years to the EDD that my first was due. He was the plaster cast that helped to heal my broken heart.
What I'm trying to say is please don't give up or think it'll never happen for you. Have your grieving time and don't try to rush it. Plant a tree, make a memory box (this was a great piece of advice to me) and have you time. When you are ready, then look to the future.

I hope today has gone ok for you. I had lovely people looking after me in the hospital; I hope you do too.
Take care of yourself.x

cosmickitten Fri 14-Jun-13 17:16:42

It is done back on the ward with tea and toast. The care I have been given has been outstanding. I will be grateful to the staff forever.

RainbowConnections Fri 14-Jun-13 17:37:57

So glad they are taking good care of you. xxx

cosmickitten Fri 14-Jun-13 22:32:10

I feel do strange and empty. All the hopes and dreams for the future feel like shadows from some else's story.

RainbowConnections Sat 15-Jun-13 08:22:25

cosmic sorry this is such a sad time and that you've lost your baby. Sending you my love. I hope you are being looked after. x

Liskey Sat 15-Jun-13 08:32:43

Cosmic so sorry to hear your story. That was me 4 years ago, we'd been Ttc for a year so it was devastating when I had a scan and had mmc. The scanner was totally insensitive and said at least it shows you can get pregnant - I was so upset by that.

Hope you and your DH take care of each other and have some time to grieve. I shut my DH out for a bit after my mmc and wish so much now I'd been more open about how upset I was.

We do have DD now so please don't lose hope.

cosmickitten Sat 15-Jun-13 09:22:40

My husband is being strong me, his words. The only thing he has said since yesterday it that he misses our baby. But I can hear him crying in the bathroom right now. How do I get hm to let me support him too?

Liskey Sat 15-Jun-13 12:35:45

Oh Cosmic sorry to hear that.

I'd tell him that you need to keep talking to each other and lots of hugs.

It is horrible for him too as he's had to watch you go through the physical pain of this and he probably thinks he can't show you he's suffering emotional as well.

Best wishes to you.

Ellie54278 Sat 15-Jun-13 15:13:04

Like you I found out yesterday that it looks like mine died around 5 weeks. I ended up at EPU yesterday as I'm meant to be 10 weeks and had period like cramps. Spent the day being shunted around, being asked the same questions and then at the end nothing just told to go home and come back if I started bleeding or the pain got too bad. Feel totally isolated and scared. Spent from 2am-6am in what I think labour pains must feel like but without the proper pain relief. I'm desperately hoping I can hang in till Monday then goin to pay to go to a private hospital to get the pregnancy removed as I can't bear being left like this for another week. I hope you get better treatment. My mum said it her day when a miscarriage was confirmed it was dealt with straight away, I can't believe they just leave you and you don't get told what to expect. My thoughts are with you.

cosmickitten Sat 15-Jun-13 15:45:07

ellie I'm so sorry that on top of losing your baby this is happening to you. I have been very very fortunate to receive outstanding care from the nhs. It is totally wrong that you are not having the same. It makes me so angry.

I wish I knew how to help. There is an excellent thread on helping to deal the physical side of miscarriage. Which may be helpful. As epu is likely to be closed is there an out of hours service you can use for help / advice? Again I'm so sorry x

cosmickitten Sat 15-Jun-13 20:55:32

I'm coming on here to vent. One if my oldest friends has called to see how I am. Which is lovely cheer me up he is trying to arrange for dh and me to visit him and heavily hus pregnant girlfriend for weekend. ASAP to cheer us up now its over.

I stopped him mid flow excitedly chatting about the beer we could share now. Pointed out that everything is very raw and I will not be making plans for a while.

I know him well enough to know this thoughtlessness isn't meant nastily. But does world really expected me to be back normal already?

Bakingtins Sat 15-Jun-13 21:14:30

It's one of the odd things about MC that the baby wasn't real to anyone but you and your DH, and it's a bit of a taboo subject so people who haven't experienced it don't seem to have the emotional vocabulary to deal with it sensitively. There's a need to find a positive like being able to go out drinking, when there really aren't any positives.
If he's well meaning but thoughtless, try to find it in your heart to forgive him, but absolutely correct his expectations of what will be helpful to get you through a very sad time.

RainbowConnections Sun 16-Jun-13 14:12:02

Really insensitive comments. Its hurtful but people just don't know how to deal with miscarriage. To be honest, i still struggle finding the right things to say, while other ladies share their wisdom.

Definitely don't worry about how others think you should be, esp. re getting back to normal quickly. Trying to meet expectations made things worse for me. Do things in your own time.


xXjunebugXx Mon 17-Jun-13 12:41:06

Cosmickitten, how are you getting on? I hope you are OK x

squizita Mon 17-Jun-13 13:57:03

There IS nothing right to say about MC. That is one of the difficult things. I have had 3 MCs and know that some women who have had 1 would find the way I am 'matter of fact' about some practical elements deeply hurtful. I have heard other women become angry when things which comforted me have been said because to them it was not a comfort - and vice versa (e.g. to me it is a comfort that my triplody baby only lived as long as s/he did because I know s/he would not have survived and it would have been worse to lose him/her later. But to other women this sounds crass or disloyal). There is no right and wrong answer you just have to take time and approach it in the way that feels best for you.

One thing I would mention though... with regards to age. MC risk rises slightly after about 36 years of age (and only gets to 40-50% risk at about 41-2) but even then most women succeed. I did see a comment about 33 being 'past it' - this is actually lower than the average 1st baby age in many parts of the country. I only say this because I have read so many early-30s-women in absolute fits of anxiety about being 'too late' when medically this isn't the case. The miscarriage association have excellent factual information about age and miscarriage.
Yes this is a touchy point for me. I am a recurrent MCer and before speaking to professionals blamed my age (33-34 when losses occurred) and had real panic attacks about turning 35. Since speaking to experienced consultants and the miscarriage association they assured me that whilst risk increases slightly towards the end of the 35th year, early 30s is by no means past it or the predominant cause of MC.

cosmickitten Tue 18-Jun-13 11:47:12

Thank you again for reading my post and all your kind words.

Baking - I know you are right my friend meant no harm, he is trying to cheer me up just like he did when we were students. He is lovely but has always been sufferer of foot in mouth. So I have thanked him for being kind but asked if he can keep in touch via text or email for a few days. That will protect me from the worst foot in mouth. On balance I think the bigger problem was the invite to spend a long weekend with him and his heavily pregnant partner. The idea of spending lots of time with bumps and babies feels very hard right now.

I feel guilty as lots of my close friends are pregnant or have newborns, I don't want to bring my saddness to their happiness. I know I can fake it, till I make it (after a few more days grace) for a hour or so but not 3 days. This particular friend lives along way away so short visits aren't an option. I feel bad that I can't share his happiness in the way he wants and cross that I can't figure out it might be hard on us (just days after lossing a baby). We will look after ourselves and offer support and celebrations in ways that are easiest for us. Short visits, buying gifts online etc. We will do our very best not to let our grief come out at others happy times, but I we won't do anything that feels too hard.

Squizita-thank you for your message, at 33 it helps to see the sane side written down, as the daily mail womb of doom is running around my head a lot right now.

All in all I'm ok as can I be. Pysically I feel tired and crampy but really not too bad. Emotionally I feel sad but I will not let infertility and misscarrige define me. No idea how I will achieve that goal yet, but I will find a way.

Keeping busy will be challenge for, I have been doing supply teaching for the last year (to reduce stress and give flexibility for fertility treatment). Which was a great plan but not being able to work post bleed and post misscarriage has made me rather unpopular with agencies and schools. They want someone who is free whenever they want. Realistically it unlikely I will get work until mid September.

We are so lucky that money isn't a huge an issue but that's a long time at home wth my thoughts. So I'm trying to find a few weeks of volunteer work to keep me busy and sane. I just have to hope it will get better, for me and all of us x

icklemssunshine1 Tue 18-Jun-13 14:11:55

Cosmic, I truly feel your pain & its heartbreaking. I had a MMC & ERPC in Feb & found out 3 days later my friend & colleague is expecting twins - 10 days after my EDD. It's getting harder & harder to be around get with get very pregnant belly. I work with her & our DD's were born within 6 days of each other & go to same nursery so I can't really avoid her. Overheard her moaning about how hard it is bring pg with twins y'day. Wanted to scream "at least you are bloody pg!"

Since the ERPC there have been 5 pg announcements amongst my friendship group. Each cuts me yet I plaster a smile. It's almost as if my MC never happened, even DH doesn't talk about it & I want to! I think that's been one of the hardest things.

Coming on her & having a vent once in a while helps smile

Hope you're coping as best as you can.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now