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Found out last night night

(60 Posts)
cosmickitten Wed 12-Jun-13 10:58:40

I had a private reassurance scan last night as I couldn't fight the feeling something was wrong. It showed by baby died at 8 weeks ( I was 11 1/2 weeks).

Had a scan at 6 and 7 weeks due to a bleed and seemed fine (a day it small but worryingly so).

This is my first pregnancy. I feel pregnant after a year of ttc. The positive test came just days before we were due to start fertility treatment in nhs.

If one more person tells me at least you can get pregnant I will scream. I want this baby!! I don't wish to return month after month of hopeless ttc.

I dont want to be feeling pregnant knowing my baby has died. I saw my gp last night who was lovely but there are appointments for the epu until late tomorrow afternoon. I dread to think how long the wait for the erpc might be.

Sorry I simply need to vent .

coughingbean Wed 12-Jun-13 11:13:29

No words of wisdom I'm afraid just hand holding and thanks

cosmickitten Wed 12-Jun-13 12:38:12

Hand holding welcome thank you x

Bakingtins Wed 12-Jun-13 12:47:44

Cosmickitten I am really sorry you lost your baby. It's bad enough to lose any pregnancy, but an extra kick in the teeth when you've spent a long time TTC. People often say the first thing that comes into their head without thinking, usually in an doomed attempt to lessen the loss and make you feel better. You can either accept that they are trying to help in a ham-fisted way or go ahead and scream in the hope they'll be more thoughtful towards the next bereaved person.
You may find it helpful to read this thread about the practicalities of miscarriage management and the Miscarriage Association info on the same topic
I hope when you are seen tomorrow you are offered treatment quickly, it's horrible being in limbo.
We're here when/if you need to vent.

omri Wed 12-Jun-13 13:40:39

So sorry for your loss cosmickitten - there is nothing any of us can say to make you feel better but we are hear to listen and hold your hand. I went through the same thing in March with same dates (baby died at 8 wks and i was 11 1/2 weeks when i found out).

all i can say is be really kind to yourself for the next few weeks. It's a very sad and difficult time. On a practical point - take at least 2 wks off work if you are working. I took 2 weeks off and could have done with another few days to hide from the world....

Bakingtins - you were on my thread in March when I posted about my loss and i remember you being so kind to me - thank you it meant a lot.

xXjunebugXx Wed 12-Jun-13 14:44:17

I am very sorry for your loss, one of miscarriages was lost at the same time. I was just coming up for my 12 week scan but a few days before hand just knew something was wrong. I had a scan and it confirmed my baby had died at 9 weeks. The grief is just awful, my heart goes out to you.

I agree with omri, definitely take a couple of weeks off works. You do recover physically quite quickly but the mental side of things take longer.

Just try to ignore stupid and sometimes idiotic comments. Miscarriage makes people uncomfortable and they say the first thing that comes to their head because they feel they have to say something. Really, I am sorry for your loss is enough but people get flustered and come out with some corkers! Unintentionally of course.

Once again, I am very sorry for your loss xxx

katatonic Wed 12-Jun-13 15:05:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cosmickitten Wed 12-Jun-13 15:48:19

Thank you all. Bakingtins the links are really helpful thank you.

I do supply teaching so time off is not a problem and the lost income can be coped with. I will take the time I need. I feel like I should be able to carry on but right now you are all right I need time.

Katatonic I'm sorry you have been through something so similar. It is so heartbreaking to lose the happy ending.

You're all right I know people are trying to help and mean no harm. I just feel so raw right now. The fear of never having a child is huge and scarey. Mixed with grief it feels hard too hard to confront right now.

greenlizard Wed 12-Jun-13 16:00:47

I am so sorry cosmickitten.

I am just ahead of you in my very similar journey. I was also scanned at 7 and 9 weeks due to some light bleeding which turned out to be a small haematoma which repaired itself and it all was good, baby growing at the right rate, in the right place, heart beating away and wriggling around. My baby died 3 days after my last scan which I found out when I had a routine scan at 11 weeks. I had no symptoms and my pregnancy was progressing as if nothing had happened. This was last Thursday and it was a terrible shock - I understand exactly what you are going through.

I was scanned at the EPU and booked in for my ERPC yesterday. I cannot commend the care I received the NHS staff at both - professional and compassionate. The procedure itself is quite straight forward and physically I feel fine today just a bit of bleeding. I am emotionally wobbling and very weepy and expect this to continue for some time. It also took us nearly a year to conceive and is my first pregnancy.

I think it was a good thing for me to have to wait for a few day until I had the procedure - it took me that amount of time to even process what had happened. That time gives you a chance to say goodbye to your baby - they might not have been with you long but they will always be important.

I also think that the staff were very reassuring in that the majority of us who suffer MMC do go on to have healthy pregnancies if/when in time you are ready to try again.

I hope you can let others look after you - you will feel very vulnerable for a while. People will say insensitive things (how about - well at least you can have a drink now!) but as others have said they usually come from a position of no understanding or just clumsiness rather than malice.

Personally, I feel spending time at home alone is not the best way forward for me so I am planning to go back to work on Monday. I am sure it will be tough but important in helping me recover. Everyone is different though so do what feels right for you.

It is so difficult and I wish you all the very best of luck.

cosmickitten Wed 12-Jun-13 16:26:27

You are all lovely, that said this is a sucky club to join!

I so wish no one had to deal with this.

xXjunebugXx Wed 12-Jun-13 17:39:42

I agree, it's very sucky! It just makes it that little bit more bearable that everyone is so lovely smile

I know what you mean though, it is crap when you feel so fragile and someone says something stupid. Someone told me to trust in God. I wanted to shout God can Eff Off at them. But just smiled and said mmmmm.

TeaAndANatter Wed 12-Jun-13 18:50:15

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I got a text from a (rather younger) 'friend' today in response to the news of our loss which read (literally) 'OMG'. I feel like want to smack her in the chops (and I'm usually lovely, honest!)

People offer up some really disrespectfully inappropriate trite guff. I wish they'd just say 'Holy Smokes, well I don't have a fecking clue what to say so I can feel like I made you feel better, but I'm going to just let my mouth hang open and see what frighteningly cliched rot tumbles out...there, are you smiling yet?? Why, why aren't you making me feel like I fixed you? What's wrong with you??!'

cosmickitten Wed 12-Jun-13 20:18:27

Oh Tea it does feel like that. Feel better now so I don't feel awkward..... To be fair people have been if missed guided. Those who I know will useless have been avoided. Still at a few choice comments from mum and mil. Meant well but not helpful.

Tomkat79 Wed 12-Jun-13 21:03:36

Hi cosmic

So sorry for your loss, it sucks. To echo what the other lovely ladies have said....people just don't know what to say and say the first stupid cliche that comes into their heads. Please try not to take this personally if you can help it. It's such a god awful thing to happen that people don't think. My oldest and neatest friend was absolutely know help at all when we MC 6 weeks ago. She's bloody lucky we're still friends! Add people's insensitivity to your fragile grief stricken hormonal self and it can cut deep.

It's bizarre that you said you knew something wasn't right. From the moment I got the BFP I knew there was something very very wrong. I was convinced that we would get to the 12 week or 20 week scan and there would be something wrong with the baby. Ironically not once did I consider I would MC...that happened to other people.

After light spotting on Sunday we had a re-assurance scan and all was well. We were sent away and given 98% odds that all would be well. 24 hrs later the 2% struck and we were devastated. Like you we had to wait for a 2nd scan and fortunately they offered me an ERPC 48hrs later. I really do hope that they don't keep you waiting too long as its truly awful.

Do use these pages to vent, get advice and support. Day or night there will always be someone here who understands.

Much love xx

Tomkat79 Wed 12-Jun-13 21:11:59

Hugs to you too lizard, hope you are resting up after your ERPC.

You are very right by saying a few days grace between scan and procedure. Initially I was like omg please sort it now as couldn't bare the thought of carrying still, then I so badly wanted to hang on to him. Emotional rollercoaster doesn't really cut it.

I will always remember the night before my ERPC laying in bed and my DH lovingly touching my small but swollen belly and saying his goodbyes. I had a final scan just before the procedure (they thought I might've passed him) and saw him for the last time. With tears streaming down my face I let out a 'goodbye buddy'. The staff let me take as long as I needed.

It feels very strange writing all this 6 weeks on. I think about it every day but without the utter despair that I felt at the time. Take as much time to yourself as you need and just go with whatever feeling strikes you at the time. You will get through this xx

cosmickitten Thu 13-Jun-13 09:25:48

Lizard so I'm so sorry that you have lost your baby.

Going to the epu this afternoon I assume for the second scan. Not sure if I want to see the screen or not. Feel a bit scared. I have been mainly numb, I worry that floodgates will open at epu instead of the safety of home.

cosmickitten Thu 13-Jun-13 09:32:19

tomkat thank you for your message, I'm so sorry you have also suffered the lost of your little one.

That feeling something is wrong is strange 2 scans didn't shake in for me. Nothing anyone said quietened it. It doesn't alter the shock now sadly. However I have decided that from here on in if that voice speaks to me I will listen. I felt the need to have another scan for 2 weeks but fought it cos I felt paranoid. Now I think better to be proved paranoid than right.

katatonic Thu 13-Jun-13 10:35:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cosmickitten Thu 13-Jun-13 14:42:44

So I'm sitting in waiting room waiting talk about options after missed miscarriage. The room is full of pregnant ladies and a couple is having a loud bantering conversation about if bump will be boy or girl.

I think my heart will break in two as I sit here.

cosmickitten Thu 13-Jun-13 14:47:16

Even better boy or girl pregnant lady is debating nipping out for fag pre scan. Insane

RainbowConnections Thu 13-Jun-13 14:56:00

Oh no. How awful. I hope you dont wait there long. Can you ask if there is somewhere else to wait? xx

cosmickitten Thu 13-Jun-13 14:58:17

Hubby has just arrived hospital carpark was full. I'm glad he is here for me but I wish he didn't have to sit through too.

Bakingtins Thu 13-Jun-13 15:09:30

That's rubbish Cosmic. Pass the time by filling in a comments form to say it's insensitive to put you with the bumps. Seeing pregnant people smoking gives me the rage and I don't care how unPC or none of my business it is. How dare they endanger their baby when women who do everything right and would be fantastic parents are losing theirs?

cosmickitten Thu 13-Jun-13 15:13:27

I have spoken to receptionist who has let me wait else and made me tea. Lovely but would have better from the start

RainbowConnections Thu 13-Jun-13 15:23:04

That sounds better. Take care.

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