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The worst things people have said to you or said behind your back after a loss?

(59 Posts)
TheNobodies Tue 28-May-13 13:41:18

I've had a few HEARTLESS things said to me, makes me feel so down. It's only been aimed at me and not my partner, which I'm glad because I cope better.

Some of you know me. I lost my Riley at 23 weeks, April 2012.
Followed by 2 early losses around 6-7 week in August and December 2012.

When I lost Riley I had to sign a form giving permission to break my waters because I was severely ill and could of died of infection. My Dad, Mum, Stepmum, Brother an ofcourse my partner witnesses this and was there through the birth. A month after losing Riley I found out one of my Dad and Stepmums friend said to them that I'm a Murderer and Killed my baby boy. Neither of them told me this and I had to find this out from my stepbrother. My dad denied knowing who said this.

When I lost my 2nd baby I found out my dad said "It was nothing anyway".

And last night me and my mum was on about my sister who keeps stealing saying how much shes upset mum and caused her heartache. My mums reply to this was "You've caused me the most heartache by lossing Riley". She said it like I asked for it. My mum also said a couple of months ago that she and everyone else in the family feel like their walking on eggshells around me!!!!! I asked others in my family about this and they said they didn't feel that way!!

Anyone else had people call them a murder or had anything else bad said to them? sad

pinkballetflats Tue 28-May-13 15:02:53

Jesus! I honestly don't know what to say...especially about your mother. What a self centred, thoughtless, 'world-revolves-around-me' individual. You lost Riley? You did? You were dying ffs - would she have preferred to lose the both of you?

SO sorry, OP.

Hugs.

squizita Tue 28-May-13 16:13:07

I'm so sorry to hear this.

Nothing anyone has said has been that heartless. I don't think this is one of those 'put their foot in it' situations like people talk about after miscarriage. That was just harsh and unfair. You have every right to be furious, how unpleasant. I can see why your dad and stepmum didn't want you to hear it though, they might have been protecting you. How do you tell someone that!?!

And your mum's comment is selfish. When something as bad as a late MC happens of course it will cause heartache but it's unavoidable. It's no ones fault.

LittlePeaPod Tue 28-May-13 17:37:37

I am utterly shocked. That's horrendous and so cruel. I had some really hurtful and thoughtless things said to me about our lose but nothing compared to your experience. Everyone one of those people should be ashamed of themselves. My thoughts are with you.

I am so sorry for your lose flowers

TheNobodies Tue 28-May-13 20:23:57

Thank you for your replies. It really gets to me someyimes what people have said, but I normally block it out.

I just walked away when my mum said that and my partner laughed it off. My step mum has NEVER liked me or my siblings... she probably didnt tell me because she didn't care and she probably made my dad keep it hush. She's a controlling wife.

Why are people so heartless? :-(

MrsBertMacklin Tue 28-May-13 20:30:50

Your mother's comments have actually made me quite upset for you, OP. Does she have some issues of her own? Not that this would excuse such a fucked-up comment, I'm just trying to understand why on earth anyone would say that to another person, let alone a family member.

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you don't seem to be getting 100% support from the people in your life.

MrsBertMacklin Tue 28-May-13 20:33:25

(Hit 'Post' too early) ...and to answer your question, the only outrageously inappropriate thing said to me when I MC'd was a friend who took me to one side and said that it had been 3 months and it was 'time to get over it because to be honest, everyone else has'. I can't say I took the moral high road: I called her a self-righteous bitch and told her to get out of my life...

Nobhead Tue 28-May-13 20:37:28

Jesus H Christ OP if my Mum had said that to me after my late loss she wouldn't be hearing from me for a good long while.....fucking self centered world "revolves around me" shite.
The worst my Mum did was try to suggest causes which in itself was pretty annoying i.e. I "do too much", I had the flu jab and shouldn't have. What your family have said is unforgivable IMO, like you did it on purpose.

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp Tue 28-May-13 20:41:15

I am so horrified and actually quite angry for you. Those comments are hideous, and so selfish. I am so sorry for your loss, and I am sorry the people who should care better for you aren't doing so.

Nowhere on the same scale, but a junior doctor said in a false cheerful voice to me "well, at least you will be back in your bikini this summer" yeah sure, that really makes up for it. Which would I rather have, a flat tum or a living baby? Hmm let me think .... Knob.

Yearofme Tue 28-May-13 20:42:19

I had 'oh well it wasn't a real baby anyway'

I lost my baby at 13 weeks, had already had my 12 week scan and had seen a perfectly formed little baby.

And I was half dead in a hospital bed after severe infection and blood loss after losing my baby, when she said this to me. She's a good friend I've known for over 12 years, but she's had a child herself (that makes it worse to me somehow) and a small part of me still holds it against her. I didn't say anything at the time because I was so ill and a bit stunned by it. It still stings thinking about it sad

Nobhead Tue 28-May-13 20:43:18

too much a doctor said that to you? OMG! That's appalling. What did you say to them?

MrsBertMacklin Tue 28-May-13 20:47:30

a junior doctor said in a false cheerful voice to me "well, at least you will be back in your bikini this summer"

My jaw has literally dropped at that one.

I had a lot of people saying stuff that was thoughtless, but even through the fug, I knew it was because they felt awkward or just didn't have a clue what to say, so it didn't hurt or 'stick' with me. That though, coming from a professional, is just mind-blowingly glib and insensitive.

HorryIsUpduffed Tue 28-May-13 20:47:52

My mother told me it didn't matter because in her day she wouldn't even have known she was pg (9w and 7w).

But that isn't in the same league as some of you, especially OP sad

musickeepsmesane Tue 28-May-13 20:52:14

Op, flowers Your mother sad I cannot believe the cruelty of some people. It's appalling.

When I was losing my baby I overheard one of the women on the ward speculate that I was having an abortion because I kept my curtain shut. I had been put on the gynae ward cos maternity was full thank fuck, wouldn't have coped with babies She wittered on and on, obviously thought the curtain was sound proof. All this because I wouldn't interact with her and looked young for my age, she had assumed I was a teenager. Bitch. Oh, she had an opinion about abortion. F'nn bitch.

LittlePeaPod Tue 28-May-13 20:57:23

My MIL told me it was just a ball of cells that obviously weren't growing properly and my body decided to dispose of them. Like an infection! confused

But that's nothing. I am still utterly shocked at wht has been said to you. I am so sorry OP. so very sorry

cantbloodywellchoose Tue 28-May-13 20:58:21

Oh my word. No, no-one has ever said anything like that to me although mine were all early losses and nothing like the horror you had to endure with Riley thanks I would seriously be considering whether I could a maintain a relationship with any family member who said something so heartless. I hope you find a way to get through this.

Bakingtins Tue 28-May-13 22:14:33

I've had a fair few thoughtless things said to me, but those comments are just cruel and out of order. You've been through so much, you deserve unstinting support from your family. I'm so sad for you that they are saying such horrible things.

TheNobodies Wed 29-May-13 14:40:40

Toomuch What! I would of complained, how thoughtless. Pretty sure being pregnant beats a flat tum! I'd love to have a big round belly to show off!

Musicmakesmesane When I had my 3 D&C's I had horrible looks, can't believe the nerve of that woman jumping to conclusions angry

You all say what you have had said to you is nothing compared to what I have had said to me... They are something! I think some people just don't think before they say and then expect us to get over it

TheNobodies Wed 29-May-13 14:42:07

Also, My mum lost her first child to cot death aged 7 weeksish and she blocked her emotions and got on with it.. She was also 4 weeks pregnant wen she lost her so she dealt with it in a different way than I did.

MrsGiraffe12 Wed 29-May-13 14:48:48

I've never had anything as bad as what the OP said, but my mum in law said my baby was just the size of a sesame seed and better to happen now than later. Plus a work colleague, on out why I had 2 weekends off work (I'm part time) said "it's just a miscarriage though, why does she need 2 weekends off, it's not a bit deal" xx

TheNobodies Wed 29-May-13 14:58:33

Just a miscarriage? WHAT! Oh dear sad

I had a week of college in Decemeber because I bled very heavy but baby wouldn't come. So had to have a D&C, I pretty sure the girls on my course had something to say because they've never spoke to me because "they don't know what to say" sad Can be lonely.

MrsGiraffe12 Wed 29-May-13 16:16:57

I think in most cases people don't realise they are being heartless, but with some comments I'm sure they say it to hurt us on purpose x

tametortie Wed 29-May-13 16:22:58

My MIL has some corkers;

"oh dear, and you spent all that money on a private scan"

"next time you get pregnant, dont bother telling me. I can't go through this again"

"there must have been something wrong with it" this is a common one and I've probably said it myself at some point BUT to me that little baby with a heartbeat was perfect and somebody saying there was something wrong with it really hit me in the chest, no matter how true it was.

sad

HorryIsUpduffed Wed 29-May-13 16:38:14

tametortie I got oddly defensive about that too.

A friend reframed it: sometimes there isn't enough/the right genetic code to make a person, so it faithfully follows the code, completes its potential, and then stops.

Somehow I far preferred the idea that the lost baby fulfilled its potential even though that was so restricted.

MrsGiraffe12 Wed 29-May-13 18:21:06

I've also had

"We're you not looking after yourself" and "That's better than a disabled child" grrr xx

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