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Feeling a bit heartless

(9 Posts)
MrsGiraffe12 Tue 28-May-13 08:29:26

So, I've posted a bit on the pregnancy boards but now I'm post ERPC I guess this is more my place :-(

For those of you who didn't see my posts - quick recap on my story. Had very sharp one sides abdominal pain, got referred to my hospitals EPAC at 8 weeks exactly, they said it wasnt ectopic which was doctors fear, was very relieved, then in next breath they said baby appeared to have stopped growing at 5 weeks. Shocked obviously and cried a bit in the week between the scans, but made me wait a while week for a repeat scan to be sure. Missed miscarriage confirmed at 9 weeks exactly and I chose to have an ERPC the next day. Then 3 days post procedure I needed to start antibiotics as infection set in and I was having pain.

It's now 5 days post ERPC and I'm feeling sort of flat if that makes sense. Not crying or even sad, didnt cry once they confirmed this miscarriage and havent even cried since they said they suspected miscarriage (apart from the agony I was in before I got my antibiotics and painkillers for infection) infact I feel almost normal. I'm ambivalent about trying again (ie I hubby wants to I will, if he doesn't I won't). Did anyone else feel like this post miscarriage? I feel like a bit of a freak to be honest, thought I'd be in floods of tears given what I've read other women feel, but I kind if feel it is what it is?

Sorry for the ramble, I guess I'm just confused a bit x

Rockchick1984 Tue 28-May-13 09:35:59

I sobbed when I found out I'd miscarried (at the 12 week scan) but then it took a couple of weeks for it to really sink in - I was focusing on recovering from the physical side of things at first and didn't feel too bad, then all of a sudden it hit me like an emotional truck!

If you are coping well then that's perfectly acceptable, don't feel like you have to be crying, desperate to try again, or any other emotion. What you feel now is normal for you, but if you feel differently in the future that's fine too smile

kalidasa Tue 28-May-13 09:56:44

I think this is normal. And especially if your health has been endangered or you felt it was, with the initial pain/ectopic scare and then the infection. There is bound to be some part of you that feels a kind of instinctive bodily relief I think that you have got through it OK. You may find you feel more sadness when you are fully recovered. Or to be honest you may not! I had two very early miscarriages (five weeks ish - and much less traumatic than you) and although I was worried in a general way after having two in a row I also had a very strong sense that actually my body really knew what it was doing - dealing so effectively and quite early on with pregnancies that weren't going to work out. It's not what you hear people talk about most of the time but I felt sort of grateful to my body for 'knowing what to do' in a strange way, and then physically relieved once the pain and bleeding was over.

squizita Tue 28-May-13 11:01:45

Totally normal. I have had 3 and one was very like yours (ectopic scare then ERPC) and I was relieved the medical side was over. In fact I couldn't wait for the HCG to go down- I wanted my body to be normal/healed ASAP. Not heartless at all! A lost baby and physical pain for a long time... there is nothing you or anyone can do to bring the pregnancy back but feeling physically better can only be a good thing.

And there is no way I am risking that pain a 4th time unless I have had all the tests and treatments they recommend. TBH I now associate pregnancy with fear. I know even if they find a cure and treat me any pregnancy will be 9 months of worry - not something to be taken on lightly. I do want a kid, but I am wary to try again.

Everyone reacts to MC differently. Unfortunately out on the web you sometimes get the impression (or at least I did) that if you aren't rolling round screaming for 6 months afterwards and hate pregnant women for life you are in some way heartless. This is not the case, and you mustn't think you are heartless. Also, remember that the many women who are sadly quiet after a miscarriage will not 'show up' in real life or on the web... it doesn't mean we aren't out there or that our feelings are strange.

The flat, sad feeling is your way of grieving and it sounds similar to me. I have gone back to work quite soon after mine because I found it just made me sad and worried. I felt guilty about it. But everyone grieves differently - go with your instincts and make sure you take good care.

Tomkat79 Tue 28-May-13 11:49:19

After my ERPC I felt very very relieved that it was all over (a little too normal I think), the next day empty and spent the following days not knowing what to feel. Guess it was just emptiness. For me the hardest time was the 5 days between the scan and bad news and the op. I so badly wanted to get my body back straight away but at the same time so wanted to hold onto the baby even though I knew it was futile.

Just feel what you feel and know that it is totally normal. Grief is your own personal experience. Just be aware that it might hit you like a steam train at some point. If it does then you'll find lots of support here. If not then bonus and concentrate on a happier future xx

kalidasa Tue 28-May-13 15:05:25

My impression is that the assumptions about miscarriage have changed a lot in the last generation - so when our mothers were pregnant, you were stigmatized if you found it painful or hard to get over and needed to grieve; whereas I think sometimes now you can feel expected to feel very upset, even if you don't particularly. I'm sure the current situation is better overall but you definitely shouldn't feel guilty about feeling OK. Very early pregnancy tests must have made a difference too - my mother says her pregnancies in the late 60s were not confirmed until she had missed a second period.

Bakingtins Tue 28-May-13 22:08:57

However you feel and however you choose to deal with it is ok. I've tended to feel really numb initially and it hits me later. I agree with the others to just go with how you are feeling and don't feel any pressure to feel or behave in any particular way to meet expectations.

sugarandspite Tue 28-May-13 22:18:40

Please don't underestimate the impact that your hormones will be having right now. Your body will be experiencing some huge huge hormonal changes and for a lot of women (me included) the big swings make you feel very flat, blue, pessimistic.

For me, the best thing I did was to essentially go to bed for a week. My experience was a little different in that I didn't need surgery, had a natural miscarriage, but that time of hiding away, being cosy and quiet and sleeping really helped me to recover physically and emotionally.

Don't think about making any big decisions yet. Just focus on taking care of yourself and allowing yourself the time you need to recover.

NessaYork Tue 28-May-13 22:22:52

I agree with Bakingtins - whatever you are feeling is perfectly normal for you. Please resist the temptation to second guess yourself or feel that you should fit with what is 'normal'. There is no 'normal' - there is only 'natural' and that, for you, is however you are feeling.
I had two miscarriages, one each after my first and second live babies. After the first miscarriage (at 8 weeks in 2000) I felt a bit low. After the second one (13 weeks in 2002) I felt a deep sense of guilt, like somehow I had not deserved to have that baby. In both instances, I was overwhelmed by the support from other women, and at learning that miscarriages happen far more often than society is willing to conversationally recognise. Hearing the stories of other women who'd been through it gave me a sense of almost sisterhood. You are doing great. Please know that there is an ocean of support out there / out here if you need us.

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