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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Would you go to a christening 2 weeks after MMC?

20 replies

St4rfish · 21/05/2013 14:53

After some opinions. Title says it all really - had a MMC at 12 weeks on May 10th. Was first (longed for, after taking 2 years) pregnancy. I'm back at work and doing ok but I have good days and bad days. We were due to go to a friends' baby's christening this weekend. They are Uni friends, not that close but part of a wider group we see a few times a year. I am not keen to go in that I am worried about ending up in floods of tears and about the fact that it will all be a reminder of everything that has been taken away from us. Won't be helped by the fact that one of the godparents is pregnant, and all our other friends have long since had kids - we would be the only childless ones there.
So, would you go? Husband is supportive and says we probably shouldn't go and that people will understand, but I'm worried about coming across as a spiteful b. Equally, I think the whole event will just fuel my self pity and make me angry about our loss, which I don't want to feel - trying to stay positive. Bit conflicted about what to do.

OP posts:

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HumphreyCobbler · 21/05/2013 14:55

You would be perfectly justified in not going if that is what you want to do. No one would think you spiteful, they honestly wouldn't.

I am sorry you had a miscarriage, I know how hard it can be.

ColouringInQueen · 21/05/2013 14:57

So sorry to hear about your miscarriage. If it were me, I wouldn't go. Sounds too much too soon. Drop the friend a note/email wishing them well and saying its too much if you really feel the need to explain.

Take care of yourself x

dk75 · 21/05/2013 15:00

Really sorry about your loss. I would say do what ever is best for you. I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks 7 weeks ago and having good and bad days. I should have gone to my nephew's first holy communion on Saturday but when the time came I couldn't face it and so decided not to go although my husband and daughter did. he explained and people were fine. s colouringinqueen says drop a quick note and if they are true friends they will understand.
Take care xx

PicaK · 21/05/2013 17:35

Do you know - everyone says 'be kind to yourself' and it really is the best advice.

Decide not to go (cos it'll be hard) and decide not to feel guilty about it.

If there's ever a time to wrap yourself up in cotton wool it's now.
So sorry for your loss.

petra27 · 21/05/2013 17:41

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I wouldn't go as it sounds lilke it would be an emotionally difficult situation for you and I think the day to day stuff is enough to cope with so soon.

Treat yourself gently, ime it is a massive loss as well as a real shock and I needed time, peace and calm to get to a point where I was more emotionally robust.

katatonic · 21/05/2013 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

St4rfish · 21/05/2013 20:02

Thanks everyone for your kindness and advice. I think I am slowly convinced of the fact that going is a bad idea, if only selfishly from a self preservation perspective; don't want to undo the emotional progress I've made so far. Ridiculous 'miscarriage etiquette'!

OP posts:

MrsJohnDeere · 21/05/2013 20:58

No. I would have burst into tears and found that far too tough. Up until 6 weeks post ERPC I cried a lot and my hormones were all over the place.

So sorry you are going through xx

Nobhead · 21/05/2013 21:06

I wouldn't go it's too soon. Send a card and wish them a happy day. Anyone who really cares about you will understand.

RemindMeWhatSleepIs · 21/05/2013 21:15

I'm so sorry.

I couldn't have gone. I bumped into some acquaintances with a newborn about 3 weeks after my MMC and I found it really difficult to hold it together for five minutes ( then hid in the toilets trying to pull myself back together for quite a while).

Be kind to yourself. I'm sure your friends won't mind. Post a card & gift.

ZiaMaria · 22/05/2013 09:31

I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree that it is too soon - I couldn't have gone after my MCs (we'd been trying for soooo long for each and I just couldn't cope with seeing babies/pregnant women/pretending not to be falling apart). This is a time for being warm, watching movies that will help you smile, and eating Ben and Jerry's.

Be kind to yourself. Things will get better, but you need to look after you (rather than doing things that you thing you should for others).

Bakingtins · 22/05/2013 11:32

I wouldn't go. It's going to be v difficult to hold it together. Send a card and a gift.

squizita · 22/05/2013 11:32

I agree with those who say be kind to yourself if you cannot handle it. Explain that you are feeling ill and depressed after the MC.

Don't feel guilty- the choice will probably be better for your mates too; if you try to battle through you might end up sobbing in the church and actually that would cause distress and upset/guilt. Which might in turn make you feel worse.

piprabbit · 22/05/2013 11:35

I went to various family and child-related social events after an ectopic pregnancy and sobbed through them all. I'm glad I went as I think I would have felt even more isolated if I'd stayed away, and everyone was lovely (those who noticed - I was discreet).

Do what you think will be best, don't worry about being judged. The people who matter will understand.

Sundance2007 · 23/05/2013 15:04

Sorry to chip in uninvited, but this post title really hit home as the exact same thing hapened to me, about 3 weeks after my miscarriage. I was 12 weeks gone, just three days before my twelve week scan so we had kept it quiet from most people. The thought of going to a Christening so soon afterwards was hard, not in the least because my hormones were still all over the place and I kept crying in the most random places. I guess it depends how good you are at holding back the tears - I'm rubbish at the best of times.

In the end I just couldn't face it, but (as it was his friend) my husband went alone. It wasn't just the baby being Christened, but lots of other babies and pregnant people he had to sit and chat with. We only married last year so inevitably people always tell us "It'll be you next" and it was the thought of answering that without bursting into tears that made me stay home. It's awkward, and I didn't want to lie or make other people feel awkward by telling them the truth.

He told his friends who's baby was being Christened before hand, and they were really sweet and understanding about why I wasn't there. I felt a tad guilty, a bit overdramatic almost, but having spoken to my DH afterwards, I'm so glad I didn't go.

After just a few more weeks, I was a bit more 'with it', and I'm happy in the company of pregnant people and small babies now, so I just want to reiterate that it does get easier, but only with time.

So sorry for your loss. x

dk75 · 24/05/2013 10:10

Don't feel guilty or that you are being selfish at all. You really need to do what is best for you at this time and look after yourself. Things will get easier in time which I keep telling myself too. Take care xx

St4rfish · 27/05/2013 01:50

Thank you again everyone. You have all been so kind.
Ironically, deciding not to go turned out to be the right thing to do, as after 2 weeks of pretty steady bleeding, this afternoon I had a massive flood of bleeding that lasted for over an hour. We were 10 mins away from hone thankfully as it completely drenched my clothes. Absolutely horrific clotting etc. Husband rang unit who wanted him to ring an ambulance. Went to A&E and ended up on a drip, suspected incomplete miscarriage, dangerously anaemic (they were talking blood transfusions at one stage). Had an internal where they removed what they thought was the last of the tissue, but need to have bloods checked, scan etc in another two weeks (that will be 4 weeks on from the start of this nightmare) Anyway, if that's not an excuse not to go to a christening I don't know what is.
Has anyone else had a nightmare time like this with a medically managed miscarriage? With hindsight, I so wish I had had a D&C now. If I'm unlucky enough to go through this again I will do it differently - seems far too painful and protracted this way.
Hope everyone else is having a better time if it this bank holiday weekend! Xx

OP posts:

cerysmax · 27/05/2013 08:59

St4rfish,

That must have been so dreadful for you and DH, but what a blessing you are okay. Just wanted to say take care and look after yourself.

Sorry I canna say anything constructive but guess I was one of the 'lucky' ones. My mc was complete and after the baby had gone, I only had about a week of light bleeding. Can't begin to imagine your nightmare.

Hope you are both doing well, x

piprabbit · 27/05/2013 10:51

Oh St4rfish, that sounds so frightening and awful. Glad your DH was with you and hope you now have a smooth recovery. Take care of yourself x.

dk75 · 29/05/2013 09:49

So sorry to hear that. Hope you are recovering now. I had a medically managed miscarriage at 16 weeks then had surgery to get the placenta out and then a blood transusion as lost loads of blood. Badly anaemic for weeks but now iron levels back to normal. Nearly 8 weeks on now and I am getting stronger physically and emotionally so you will get there. Take care of yourself and get lots of rest xx

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