Am I Normal?

[cerysmax]

Sorry to post again but really can't talk to anyone...I don't want to. I lost my baby Wednesday night at just 10 weeks.

I am supposed to be back at hospital in next few minutes to have another blood test to ensure my levels are dropping. I'm not going, I can't. How can I put on clothes I bought especially for the pregnancy as my others don't fit?

I still can't look at or touch my tummy, no matter how sore it is. I am constipated and can't go (tmi), can't even wee without feeling scared. I know that I have had a complete miscarriage but dreading losing the lining (hospital said it would happen) and seeing all that blood.

I think husband thinks I'm being silly and feeling sorry for myself. We've argued, he shouted and called me a w*nker. I am feeling so down. He's gone out.

Even stupid things like having previously done a shopping list for this weekend leave me a stupid wreck. I made the list out a few days ago when I craved certain foods and hated others. I can't even look at that list now.

I am barely eating....how can I start to eat things that I couldn't bear last week. I feel as if I'm being disrespectful and pretending my baby wasn't here. After all, we hadn't even seen a scan picture or heard a heartbeat. And then I flushed my tiny baby down the loo. I had no idea what I was doing.

Sorry for the ramble, I just don't know what to do.

[cerysmax]

I forgot to add that this baby was a miracle. We are both 47 and know that we were lucky beyond belief to get pregnant.

At our age there is little or no chance that it will happen again. I guess that's just what is making this loss all the more traumatic. It really was our last chance.

[Bakingtins]

Cerys I'm so sorry you are going through this. LF is right, it must all be very raw still and however you personally react to that is ok and normal. It sounds like anything that brings you up against the fact of your loss is incredibly painful right now. It will get easier. I guess your DH is doing the typical man thing and bottling it up so it comes out as anger.
On a practical note, the "losing the lining" bit shouldn't be too bad. I have found once I've passed the sac pain and bleeding settle right down to non-scary proportions. Still upsetting as a reminder and man, how I hate maxi pads, but not frightening.
As a thought on your "being disrespectful" it might help to do something to honour the baby. The rituals that usually accompany a loss (funeral, assembling memories etc) help with the grieving process. Maybe think about planting a tree, releasing a balloon, lighting a candle, writing a poem, buying something in memory of the baby?

[escorpion]

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. Sorry that your partner called you a waer, like bakingtins said he probably has bottled up anger. not excusing his behaviour though. My DH just didn´t get my grief at all, even though I lost an early pregnancy, still all my hopes and dreams of becoming a mum were shattered. That is why I came to these boards because there are so many women who have gone through the same and know exactly how you feel, no judging, just an ear to listen and a huge support. I agree with bakingtins maybe you could have some sort of memorial, plant a tree etc. Be kind to yourself, and know there are many of us thinking about you. xx

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

Hand holding. So sorry for your loss.

[Tomkat79]

More hand holding xx

[squizita]

So, so sorry for your loss.

Yes. The food thing is normal. Everything sounds normal. Horrible, horrible but normal. With my losses, they were at 6-8 weeks, so I don't know about the clothes but I would guess it's the same feeling: the shame, guilt, memories attached. I cried when I was offered coffee as a hot drink, I felt ashamed eating blue cheese. I binned tinned fruit needlessly because I'd been eating it for constipation... I hated my flat tummy because I wanted a mummy tummy. It makes you crazy.

Sadly I have had rows with DH too. Once he yelled "It's not just you. No one asks me how I'm coping with it. People tell me to look after you but ignore me." which struck me as very true. Mourning after MC for men is a strange and neglected thing but of course their hopes have been dashed too. The Miscarriage Association offers support for men.

[cerysmax]

Thank you everyone. And squizita,,,everything that you mention about guilt, shame and memories are spot on. I have been through all of that for the same reasons,

Have been on line searching for a memory box. We want to put the pregnancy test (can't throw it away as that is the only proof I have left of this lo), an outfit we bought to acknowledge that lo was on their way, a teddy from each of our 2 kids which they donated when they knew a baby was on the way, and a card which we will all sign. Then we will keep it somewhere safe.

My dd and I will be having an angel pandora charm, ds an angel charm to sit alongside his St Christopher and DH is having an angel tattoo. We have chosen the name Morgan as we never knew whether would be a boy or girl and I couldn't in all honesty choose what I would have hoped for...that would have felt disloyal again. That's our reasoning for settling on a unisex name.

Today, I feel mostly guilty and numb. I have cried today but, mostly feel its all been a bad dream and hasn't really happened. Can't believe it ended in this way.

[squizita]

I know this is small comfort and everyone says it but don't feel guilty. Miscarriage is almost never the mum's fault, just a tragic, horrid, random thing that happens. :( The memory box sounds a beautiful memorial. And your family sounds so kind and loving I am sure you will support each other through this awful time. Hugs.