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Not coping

(21 Posts)
Rockchick1984 Fri 10-May-13 09:42:53

I know I'm not the only one to feel like this but I really need to get it off my chest. It's a month today since my ERPC - MMC found at 12 week scan despite seeing heartbeat at 8 weeks. I'm just not coping since it happened. I'm still getting upset when I see tiny babies, all I want to do is stay in bed as I don't want to face the world. I've got a toddler so I have to get up and go out with him but its so difficult and I know he's picking up on me not being my usual self.

DH is being fantastic but he has also taken it very badly and suffers from depression anyway so I don't want to burden him all the time with how I'm feeling.

I'm also torn about TTC again. I desperately want another baby, we had been trying for a few months for the baby I lost. I'm terrified about going through this again though. I know the odds are in my favour as we already have a child so know I can carry a baby but I just couldn't cope if it happens again!

Bakingtins Fri 10-May-13 13:58:40

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. Don't put pressure on yourself to be ok, you need some time to grieve. If you have to be ok for your toddler then at least allow yourself times when you can let your feelings out when he's in bed.
It is scary TTC again but you will because it's the only way to get the baby you so desperately want. The odds are firmly on your side for it working out next time, but even if it doesn't, you will be ok. You are stronger than you think. I've had 3 miscarriages, 2 consecutive and am now hoping for third time lucky. I no longer get excited about a BFP, but my desire to have another child is stronger than my fear of another miscarriage. There's a nice supportive thread for TTC after MC here and a grads thread on the pregnancy board, when you are ready to try again.

sleepycats Fri 10-May-13 17:48:50

I know exactly how you feel - I had a MMC diagnosed at 10 weeks at Christmas just a fortnight after seeing a scan with a heartbeat - that had completely removed any worries so it was so unexpected. And was / am in the same boat re other people - I have a three-year old and it seems that every other mum at nursery has a new baby or a bump - and I have several friends who have recently given birth. I have done a lot of polite avoiding of holding new ones (pretended DS would be horribly jealous and make a fuss).

It will get better. A month really isn't very long - I would say it was at least three before I started to feel like I was recovering. Have you told many people in RL? I told a few and it did help. And I have been doing fun things to do with DS - especially things that would be tiring or difficult if I was pg.

I did TTC again and miscarried naturally at 5 weeks but am determined to try again. As bakingtins says, the fear of mc is outweighed by the desire for another child. And you will be okay.

Rockchick1984 Sat 11-May-13 09:26:49

Thankyou both, it does help to hear from other people who have gone through it but I'm sorry you've both had to experience it.

We had told all our friends and family after the 8 week scan - had been told there was less than 1% chance of things going wrong after that so having to 'un-tell' everyone was awful. On the plus side people have understood why I've been subdued and have (mostly) offered to help.

icklemssunshine1 Sun 12-May-13 12:00:44

Big hugs to you, MC is a horrible experience & something I think that will be with us forever although it does get easier. I too had a MMC at 12 weeks in February & have a toddler. 2 days after I found out I discovered a friend was due with twins 10 days after my EDD, I now have to watch her getting bigger whilst trying not to think that should be me. Since my ERPC I've heard of 3 acquaintances through FB who have announced pregnancies so my way of coping is to "hide" them. I understand your fear of TTC. I wanted to try immediately but discovered I have 2 slipped discs so I'm waiting for steroid injections & I've been told I should not TTC until I've been given the all clear, this is heartbreaking too as I desperately want another child. Keep posting on here, MN was what (& still does) get me through the rough days.

katatonic Tue 14-May-13 09:43:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shellmck Tue 14-May-13 14:11:30

hello everyone im new to this site but would like to know if any ones been through what i have. i had a missed misscarrige 4 weeks thursday. went for a scan at 17 weeks because blood tests came back high risk of downs had scan and there was no heart beat. baby was measuring 14 weeks. had no signs of mc. after finding all this out i went back two days later and was given tblts to pass baby. all went fine and we got to hold our tiny baby. had a bad time trying to pass the placenta and nearly ended up in theater. we burried baby last friday, the sadest day of my life so far. i feel sad and not myself all the time. will it pass or shud i see my g.p.

katatonic Tue 14-May-13 15:00:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shellmck Tue 14-May-13 17:13:28

thanks for your reply. i know in time the pain will ease but right no its still so raw. my 7 year old son keeps asking me why im so sad and unhappy all the time and i dont wont him to be effected. maybe a trip to doctors will help. thanks.

hotcrosbum Tue 14-May-13 18:23:32

I am the same. Only dh is now gone, and I can't and won't put myself and my son through another relationship, so I am also mourning a second child I know I will never have now.

It's hard, but you have a good DH. Hopefully you will have a baby soon.

shellmck Thu 16-May-13 14:09:51

im sorry to hear your DH has gone hotcrosbum, it must be so hard for you right now. no one no's what the future holds. Be strong

hotcrosbum Thu 16-May-13 22:15:59

Thanks, I am ok-ish now. It's still hard though as I know it is for everyone who has lost a baby. I stupidly tortured myself tonight by looking up scans ect of how far along I would be now. Bit of a crap thing to do when on my own and after a lot of wine I guess.

shellmck Fri 17-May-13 09:37:16

I marked my calander with every week of my pregnancie and had to bin it yesterday because it was a constent reminder. i was also looking at development stages for each week of pregnancie on the net. Its a difficult time for anyone who looses a baby they've planned for or started making plans for.

hotcrosbum Fri 17-May-13 11:11:12

Oh shellmck, I did the same on my calender, and my ical. It was all deleted/in the bin a few weeks ago, I couldn't bear to look at it.

I have a ds who is 11 and he is a constant reminder of what could have been with the baby I lost. I want things to get easier, but it's just not happening. I found out the baby had died 6 weeks ago now and miscarried 2 weeks ago tomorrow, I didn't expect to still be feeling this bad.

Rockchick1984 Fri 17-May-13 11:40:41

Hot it's only been 2 weeks - your hormones will still be settling down and it's really not been long for you at all. It's nearly 6 weeks for me now, and since I started this thread I'm actually starting to feel a lot better about things - although I'm still sad I'm less likely to break down into floods of tears for no reason, it's not my first thought in the morning any more. Give it time.

hotcrosbum Fri 17-May-13 14:55:58

Thanks rockchic. Splitting with my husband over his treatment of me in pregnancy and the miscarriage hasn't helped things either. I had to miscarry alone, and with the complications I had it was terrifying. He's not contacted me at all since he left, he has no idea that I miscarried naturally (he left about a week after we found out the baby had died) or how it went, I honestly thought he'd care enough to at least see if I am ok. Or his parents at least. I can't believe it's like me, ds (who he brought up for three years) or the baby never existed.

dk75 Mon 20-May-13 15:05:39

shallmck - I had a similar experience to you. Went for 16 week check up and no heartbeat. Took tablets two days later and then took 24 hours to pass baby but could not pass placenta so went into surgery 15 hours later with massive blood loss too so then had a blood transfusion. This was almost 7 weeks ago and still so traumatised but am getting better. I have been going to gp and having some counselling tomorrow. I know it will better but it is so painful stiill at the moment. Terrified of trying again as I really want to but terrified of it happening again.

Anyway, best wishes, and time will heal xxx

shellmck Mon 20-May-13 19:39:26

Sorry for your loss dk75, it must have been awful going to surgery after what you'd already been through. After 12 hours i was given pethadine and gas and air whilst they scraped it out. It was the last thing i needed, never felt pain like it. I got my period today and for the first time in a while i feel quite happy. We've decided to wait till next month and then ttc.

dk75 Tue 21-May-13 14:56:33

Pleased to hear things are starting to get better shellmck. Good luck with ttc. I know what you mean about them trying to scrape it out. They tried that too but didnt work. I agree no pain like it! i am not sure if I have had a period yet! still bleeding slightly but a couple of weeks ago it was slightly heavier for a few days but not like a normal period. Think we will ttc again after I am sure i have had one and stopped bleeding totally.
Good luck xxxx

rainbows3 Tue 28-May-13 06:03:25

I am so sorry to hear about everyone's losses. Hotcrosbum I am doubly sorry about your husband that is really %#%#!

I just had my 3rd pregnancy loss and I am just brimming with rage. Having been through this before I know that it will get better but I find myself embracing the rage. I feel like chopping everyone's heads off.

I also feel terrible jealousy towards anyone who is pregnant and they seem to be every where. My good friend is accidentally pregnant with twins and I just want to yell had her then steal one of the babies. Argh! I am really not an evil person I just want others to feel my pain.

The only thing keeping me sane is my DD. At 3 she is a constant joy. She knows about the MC and her solution was to just get another baby "nexterday" (that is how she says tomorrow). I wish it were that easy. I really want another child like her and I really want to her be a big sister.

I don't have any answers but it is nice that there are others in the same boat who understand and sympathize.

dk75 Wed 29-May-13 09:57:26

Rainbows3 I am so sorry for your loss - and obviously for everybody else. I lost my baby at 16 weeks which was my first miscarriage 8 weeks ago. I know what you mean though. Everybody seem to be getting pregnant and putting their scans on facebook etc. Had a rage last week when somebody moaned about waiting to see the midwife at 16 week checkup. At my 16 week checkup I found out there was no heartbeat so wanted to rip this persons head off too for moaning! I would have waited all day to find out everything was ok. I have a 6 yr old daughter who was so excited to be a big sister and her heart has been broken. She just doesn't believe it will happen for her now. Hopefully it will though. Take care xx

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