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I know they say "it's not your fault", but I think it might be?

(13 Posts)
MeerkatMerkin Mon 08-Apr-13 01:58:23

I am/was 11+2. Started bleeding on Friday night after sex with DS. I had the news that my 16yo cousin was killed in a road accident on Tuesday and on Friday decided to have a glass of wine to try and relax a bit (stressed and grieving). Ended up having a couple, I know I shouldn't have but stupidly thought it was relaxing me, and ended up having sex with DH for the first time since discovering I was pregnant. There was a bit of blood, which I put down to friction on the cervix. Saturday morning woke up feeling wretched, stomach pains so bad I thought I had a bug, vomited and couldn't eat all day due to pain. Watery blood on and off, but blood stopped towards end of the day. Cramps continued but convinced myself it was a stomach bug. Sunday morning and bleeding started again, I passed multiple clots throughout the day and now bleeding is bright red and heavy. Just went to the toilet and had a "whoosh" of blood. Anyway, I am still breastfeeding DS 2.4. I knew something wasn't right the week before last when I stopped feeling sick and it stopped hurting when I fed him. I stupidly seem to have told all and sundry and am going to have a horrendous time "untelling" them.

I am due in EPAC in the morning. I have to fly out to my cousin's funeral later in the week on my own (DH staying back to look after DS) and I'm terrified the worst of the pain/bleeding is to come.

Sorry, this is turning into a ramble. The reasons I believe it to be my fault are a) the wine, b) the sex and c) although on a lesser level than the other stuff, the breastfeeding. It can't be coincidence that this has happened after having wine and then sex. I'm an idiot.

IDoTakeTwo Mon 08-Apr-13 04:14:07

Honestly, I have had wine during a pregnancy, lots of sex, played water polo, rode on the bonnet of a car and it had no impact. I suffered three major bereavements and a terrible marital shock.

It made no difference. Women deliver babies successfully and insuccessfully in war zones.

Your actions are purely incidental.

It is ok to be sad, but it us not your fault.

Sorry for your loss

GrandPoohBah Mon 08-Apr-13 04:31:54

Nope, not your fault. Horrible timing, but not your fault.

One of the things my dr said to me which I took away when we were having multiple miscarriages was that actually, it's very difficult to dislodge a pregnancy that's 'right', but equally there's nothing you can do if it's not right, it's nature's way of ensuring that the babies we have are almost always perfect.

Humans are designed to breastfeed for extended periods, and to have sex. If low levels of alcohol drunk during early pregnancy caused people to miscarry, we would have died out a LONG time ago.

I'm really sorry for your loss. It's horrible, but it absolutely was not your fault.

MeerkatMerkin Mon 08-Apr-13 04:57:03

Omg I just realised in my post I wrote I started bleeding after sex with DS. I most certainly didn't! Meant DH. I'm all over the place.

Thank you both. It's hard not to feel responsible. I am an incredibly guilty person. I take antidepressants for anxiety and I know that I have unnecessary guilt issues so I am trying to rationalise but it's hard. We so wanted this baby, it took us so long to get here and I feel as though I have been laissez faire with my health in this pregnancy. With DS I didn't drink at all bar a couple of glasses of wine in the very late weeks. I feel I should have tried to find a better way to deal with my grief for my cousin. But of course I had to have a wine, it's what I always do when things are tough - before pregnancy, anyway, and I should have known better than to drink in the first trimester.

Rambling again, sorry.

nectarini1983 Mon 08-Apr-13 20:45:51

It's really not your fault. Sadly it would have happened anyway without the vinos and the sex, thats just rotten timing.

Some people take class a drugs, get smashed and smoke heavily throughout their pregnancies and their babies are still born and live. Its just really shit and really not fair!

Sorry for your loss.

IDoTakeTwo Tue 09-Apr-13 03:57:38

I really hope you can take the time to look after yourself after this. Rest, exercise,good food and friends. Maybe even see your Doc to check on general well being and meds.

Take care x

Trazzletoes Tue 09-Apr-13 04:05:12

I'm so sorry.

You said yourself that you though things weren't right 2 weeks ago. If they weren't right, they weren't right, unfortunately and no amount of celibacy and no drinking would have changed that.

A couple of glasses of wine would not cause a miscarriage. It must be such a difficult time for you. I am so sorry. Please try not to beat yourself up. You have done nothing to cause this.

GlitterySkulls Tue 09-Apr-13 04:11:09

it's just one of those things, honestly, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

have a ((((hug))) from me xxx

Not drinking in pregnancy is really only a fairly recent thing. As is not smoking, I know a lot of people in my parents generation who drank (heavily by todays standards) and smoked through pregnancy.

Even now, having sex in pregnancy is normal and is not discouraged whatsoever.

I am really sorry for your loss, please dont blame yourself, this was absolutely not your fault.

MeerkatMerkin Tue 09-Apr-13 07:51:23

Thanks. thanks I wondered whether the dip in my pg symptoms was because of mc or because they were just tailing off as it was towards the end of 1st tri. I guess I know now.

I'm on antidepressants currently, IDo, I'll be keeping an eye, thanks. A bit numb right now to be honest.

In hospital waiting for ERPC. Dryest mouth ever thanks to nil by mouth overnight. Be glad when today is over.

BeaWheesht Tue 09-Apr-13 08:12:48

It really really isn't your fault, keep telling yourself that. Remember that people drink before they even know they're pregnant. Really it isn't your fault, take care

HorryIsUpduffed Tue 09-Apr-13 08:26:27

What everyone else said. Total coincidence.

I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible. Take care of yourself and don't feel rushed into feeling better before you really are.

EuroShaggleton Sat 13-Apr-13 17:27:15

You said it yourself in your OP - your symptoms were starting to fade several days before the wine and dtd. It's just a coincidence. Don't be too hard on yourself. It wasn't your fault.

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