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Emotional Recovery from MMC...any advice appreciated.

(6 Posts)
Shellywelly1973 Sun 03-Mar-13 10:41:23

I posted on here last weekend as i was diagnosed with MMC at my 12wk scan. You lot were amazingly. Advice, empathy & care& i think i would have gone mad without MN last week.

I had the ERPC Wednesday. Physically Im fine. Strangely normal. I was wearing maternity clothes from about 10 Wks but Im back in my normal clothes now- feels almost like I've wasn't pregnant last week.

Emotionally i was in a state when i found out i had lost the baby. It was a terrible shock. After the ERPC i was relieved for it all to be over & done with. I've been busy the last few days, it was my dd 21st. Dp has been at home since Wednesday. Was waiting on finding out where dd11was going to Secondry school, usual mad house.

Tomorrow everything goes back to normal. Dp goes back to work, long shifts this week so not in til after dc in bed. Im back doing the school runs, I've got meetings at the school etc. Ds has ASD. Bringing dc to School clubs. Shopping, housework, got to sort out about work...your getting the picture.

I felt sort of ok but Im dreading being on my own (normally love my own company). The only way i can explain it, is that my heart feels sad. I've tried to rationialise how i feel but i can't because i can't make sense of why i had a mc.

I just need some advice about how people got back to 'normal'. How did you recover emotionally from a mc? What advice do you wish someone gave or did give to you?


Bakingtins Sun 03-Mar-13 15:39:30

Hi Shelly. My only advice is to let your heart feel sad for a while, as and when you have space and privacy to do that. Grieving is a process you have to work through at your own pace, if you try to avoid it I suspect it will just resurface later. I found it very healing to do something to acknowledge the loss. If you lose a relative or friend there will be a funeral, letters of condolence, a wake celebrating the person's life etc which all help everyone to express their grief and then move forward. Part of what makes MC difficult is there is often no acknowledgement of your loss, and no rituals to help you grieve.
Just as examples, for my first MC I bought a forget-me-not charm to wear on a chain, and wrote an entry for the hospital's book of remembrance. On the EDD I bought a charity gift in memory of the baby that paid for safe delivery of a baby in the 3rd world. For MC2 I redesigned a small area of the garden and replanted it with plants that flower around the anniversaries or are connected to the names I'd thought of for the babies.
Do your children know about the MC? I've done all this on my own as DCs too young to be told and DH temperamentally unsuited to such emotional indulgence, but it would be nice to include other family members if they have been affected too.

Shellywelly1973 Sun 03-Mar-13 18:21:49

Thanks, some lovely ideas to remember the baby.

Although Dp was shocked & upset, he keeps talking about getting back to normal.

I realise its about finding a way for me to process the feelings have. My mum &sister think the mc was for the best. Dc are all very different ages so younger ones didn't know. The older ones are embarressed by it all.

I will just get on with it tomorrow... Not much else i can do!

Thanks, your ways of remembering ur mcs are lovely, thanks for sharing.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sun 03-Mar-13 19:40:56

Give yourself time, and go with the flow. I have days when I want to be alone, and days when I cant bear it. I went back to work after a week, and being out is great, but there are times when I get down, and Im trapped in public.
My MC was a month ago, and emotionally Ive moved inside. Initially people were fab, loads of people talked to me about it when I needed to, and were very supportive, but now I think that they think I ought to be 'over it', or am dwelling on! Even DP!
I have just got on with it, but come here to talk and read and pass on the support I have received. I always knew that MN was amazing, but this board is just wonderful. As Ive said before, here we can say what we really feel inside without embarassment.
MN is my haven.

amicablemoomin Wed 06-Mar-13 13:02:17

Hi Shelly, I think it is all about time really and just going with the flow like Saggy says. I have to keep telling myself it's ok to feel sad - outside of how you are feeling life gets back to 'normal' so quickly but the readjustment I think takes a lot longer. MN is definitely helping me so much - just knowing that there are people who understand makes such a difference. I found the miscarriage association website really helpful too, and they have a 'forget-me-not' meadow where you can post a memorial to your baby.

greenhill Wed 06-Mar-13 13:26:50

Remember that you are allowed to be upset. You had already thought about what your future baby would be like and had imagined how your life would be different.

It takes a while to get over a MMC, I too had an ERPC after discovering there was no heartbeat at the 12 week scan. I was very sad, but had to pull myself together to continue looking after my toddler. I had terrible 'flu the week of my EDD and was in bed very ill. Oddly, I'd wondered if my body had remembered what was supposed to have happened that week and that was the reason I was feeling so ill.

I was very anxious when I got pregnant the next time, as I was worried about history repeating itself, but once I then had a good 12 week scan, I allowed myself to relax and my DS is nearly 3 now.

Keep yourself busy, you've got a few children, so that shouldn't be difficult! But if you want to stop and cry, do it. You will feel better and the emotional release really helps. Good luck x

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