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Support thread for miscarriage and management of it -

(110 Posts)
dorapeppageorgenoddy Mon 25-Feb-13 11:58:45

Sadly there seems to be a group of us going through a similar experience so I thought a shared thread may help to 'talk' on -

I'm currently hiding from the world in bed, lost all motivation for anything but not sleeping at night, had awful dreams like it was twins and one is still alive.

Had the ERPC on Wednesday evening after a scan in the afternoon, (was meant to be 11 weeks and baby had stopped at about 7 weeks) think that all happened quickly just by coincidence and the fact I hadn't eaten and space on the list etc - but realise everyone story is different -

Anyway I hope we can share and ask questions here, MN had helped me so much in the last 5 days -

Thinking of you all -

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Wed 06-Mar-13 00:08:25

Dora what an insightful post.
I can totally relate to the "sadness for what will never be". And the heavy stone. I feel like Im hiding under mine right now.
The further from the MC I get, the crappier I feel. It doesnt help that my neck has gone into spasm, have AF from hell and my car is off the road so I am stranded. I havent left the house in 2 days and just sit here watching TV.
I feel like I want to do something symbolic like leaving that stone somewhere. If my garden wasnt such a pit I would make a little corner, with a literal stone, and the ashes of my beloved dog who passed last year.

Ive put a forget me not in the Miscarriage Association's meadow. Thats a start.
Im going to try and draw a line as of now. AF is here, POAS finally shows a BFN, and spring is on the way. Everyone else seems to have moved on so I need to too.

Bakingtins Wed 06-Mar-13 05:57:35

Do it, Saggy. Very therapeutic getting something in order. Maybe get DH to do the digging though, if your neck is bad. I remember digging so furiously I ached all over the next day, but it was great to have a physical hurt to replace the mental one. I'm favouring mini cherry tree at the moment.

icklemssunshine1 Wed 06-Mar-13 07:39:18

I think I need to do something therapeutic, anything to try and dissipate the grief. What I don't understand is until Sunday I was coping fine but since then I'm bursting into tears randomly, I feel panicky at times & am struggling to sleep. Don't know if its a mixture of realisation, hormone crash or seeing my friend Sat who's due with twins 19 days after what would gave been my EDD. I'm also not getting time to grieve. Although off work, how we arrange child care to hero costs down means my DD is only in nursery Thurs & Fri - today should've been Grandma day but my MIL thinks as I'm home I can look after her. I just want a day when I can cry, can't do that with a 19 month old. Really struggling at moment, clinging to hope that one day I'll wake up & the pain will lessen but at the moment I'm in a bit of a black cloud sad

Tallyra Wed 06-Mar-13 08:01:17

is there any way you could subtly ask mil for help?or even just phone her in tears? it really does sound like you need a day to yourself. or ask a friend over for a cup of tea, to help share the tasks? if you have a day off ill normally they wouldn't expect you to look after a child as well...

icklemssunshine1 Wed 06-Mar-13 08:37:38

Thanks for your reply. No can't really ask her. She kind of dictates babysitting duties & we don't like to get on the wrong side of her as she reminds us she is a pensioner & doing us a favour once a week, which she is but today I could've done with the time off. Am having stomach cramps that are doubling me up so very difficult ultra to play with DD & she's getting niggly now as she's bored with 'boring' mummy! Myself, DH & all our friends work full-time so it's just me today! Have asked DH to come home early (has his own business so can be flexible unless extremely busy) so hopefully he can. Best get our my pjs & at least pretend I'm okay!

wigwam33 Wed 06-Mar-13 19:34:05

Can I join this thread? I had a mc at just 7 weeks a couple of weeks ago. This is my 3rd - 1 before DC1 and 2 after. The last one was at just under 12 wks

I feel such a failure, like I can't rely on my body to do what it 'should'. I'm blaming myself too because I'm still BF my DC1 - maybe this has contributed to it. Also how long to wait until ttc again? I feel so confused and fed up and I'm struggling to motivate myself to do anything. Just want to sleep and cry. Only saving grace is that it makes me even more grateful for DC1.

dorapeppageorgenoddy Wed 06-Mar-13 22:17:12

Wigwam - we can a relate to feeling like our bodies failed us, I feel let down especially as with no warning anything was wrong - when they told me the dates I was trying to work out what I was doing at 7 weeks pregnant which just leads to more guilt - all a horrid cycle -

I am smile the stones analogy rang true for one or two of you, I don't think it come from much wisdom but just my true feelings which feel easier to put out on here -

Everything else feels so unimportant around me, that's what I'm finding hard to cope with is getting back to normal and giving 'normal day to day' the focus they had before...when I don't care as much...

I know it's bad to say but like a few of you I want time on my own, which is near impossible at the moment - but feel like getting in the car and going - although no where to go...

Mother's Day feels a bit strange I know I'm lucky I have two young children but it feels strange...

Thinking of you all and hope we can keep 'talking'/'sharing' here

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Wed 06-Mar-13 23:27:51

Idont feel like my body failed me. I feel like it failed my baby. sad Thats worse.

dorapeppageorgenoddy Thu 07-Mar-13 07:14:07

Saggy - exactly that - sad

Quodlibet Thu 07-Mar-13 19:55:44

I have been doing well and feeling pretty normal, finally, but DP has just told me that his friend told him today that they are expecting their second, and this has floored me. I cannot summon up one single ounce of happiness for them and feel totally crap.

icklemssunshine1 Thu 07-Mar-13 19:59:47

Heart breaking isnt it? That's exactly how I felt last Friday when I learned my friend my expecting her second - & twins - 10 days after my EDD. Ouch! I had a good cry, turned to MN & have seen her twice this week & actually felt no jealousy, just sadness for what might have been. Had a good cry this morning but have felt reasonably normal today, looking forward to a cry free day.

dorapeppageorgenoddy Fri 08-Mar-13 07:24:28

Ickle - I hope you have a better day today -

And everyone else is ok? X

Bakingtins Fri 08-Mar-13 08:03:46

HI Wigwam the guilt is a normal part of grieving but realistically nothing you've done or not done affects the outcome of the pregnancy. Your body does what it's supposed to do - recognises that something is wrong and responds by clearing everything out. It's only our access to technology that now gives us MMC - the scan detects that baby has died before our bodies are convinced of that fact, and until they are we carry on nuturing and protecting. I'm now getting to grips with the idea after 3 MC that perhaps there is actually something wrong with me that means I'm rejecting my pregnancies repeatedly, but even if that turns out to be the case and we are not just randomly unlucky over and over, it's not my fault, it's an illness like any other.
Quod and Ickle I'm sorry you have to deal with friends with a close EDD to yours, that's tough to handle. I have a feeling a colleague at work who is usually my partner is pregnant, a few things she said on Monday (when I was happily thinking to myself we'd go through it together if she is - what a difference a week makes) made me think she'll be making an announcement soon. I have 2 colleagues that gave birth the week I miscarried last year and are forever popping in to show off their babies. Since I have a toddler there is no getting away from pregnant people, everyone in any classes we go to is having their next one...
I'm going back to work today. Actually managed a whole night of sleep last night and have not had a cry yet today so hoping I can put a brave face on. Nobody at work even knew I was pregnant so no awkwardness. (I only work part time so haven't actually missed any work this time) how considerate an employee am I to arrange my MC in my own time.
Hope everyone has an ok day.

GinAndSlimlinePlease Fri 08-Mar-13 08:13:20

Hi, can I join?

Have posted elsewhere on mn about my mc. I'm now three weeks from finding out I'm miscarrying. It was our little miracle, conceived after two years trying, and just before being referred for ivf. I'm having a natural miscarriage, and I'm shocked by how long and painful a process it is. Three weeks on and I'm still overflowing my pads!

I've got my next fertility clinic appointment this afternoon. It feels a bit surreal. It was supposed to be the appointment at which they confirm the referral for ivf. Since my last appointment I've found out I was pregnant and lost it. All in about 7 weeks. It feels a bit like I've gone back rather than forward.

I'm really sorry to hear about everyone else's losses. sad

icklemssunshine1 Fri 08-Mar-13 18:11:14

Gin, sorry its such a prolonged physical process for you. I had an ERPC so physically it was over quickly (it'll be 2 wks on Weds & I think I've stopped bleeding) but emotionally I'm still fragile. Saying that I haven't cried once today & that was even after going to DD's nursery for a Mother's Day activity & have people ask me about my pregnant friend. Felt like shouting I should be 14 weeks but had a MC but I remained calm & just nodded & smiled politely when I was asked when I'd be trying again. Spent the day planning lessons, back to work Monday. Can't hide away forever! Hope everyone is doing okay smile

gonnabeamum Fri 08-Mar-13 18:24:41

hiya - think i want to say hello here too - had 12 week scan yesterday which showed nothing but an empty sac - will be getting 2nd scan next week to confirm but feels like i have been left in limbo in the meantime. absolutely devastated doesnt even describe how i am feeling. have had no obvious signs such as bleeding, cramps etc so completely unexpected. dreading whats yet to come... x

icklemssunshine1 Fri 08-Mar-13 18:39:42

So sorry gonnabe, remember that feeling well. I guess it's all still a shock at the moment. Over the last few weeks I've gone through a range of emotions - shock when first found out, anger at the professionals for nit noticing sooner, sadness for losing my baby & heart breath when learning my friend is due 10 days after me with twins. Keep posting, the people here on MN are fab. I couldn't have got through the last couple of weeks without the support & words of wisdom from here.

gonnabeamum Fri 08-Mar-13 18:54:50

it was a shock for definate. so sorry for everyone else and there losses too - im astounded at how many women have actually gone through this - doesnt get rid of that lonely feeling tho'. im due back to work on monday (been on holiday this week) - not sure if mentally i can handle it at the moment? wondering if it would be best to get the 2nd scan out of the way so that the next course of action can be decided upon before i do anything? just dont know how to deal with this. x

icklemssunshine1 Fri 08-Mar-13 19:01:11

It's shocking how MCs are seemingly swept under the carpet. Since my MMC I've since learnt of 3 people who have also MCd, that being in too of 2 friends who have MCd in last year. You're right it's still very lonely though. I learned of my MMC over half term (I'm a teacher). I debated going back til my ERPC but decided not to run risk of miscarrying naturally in front of a class! My consultant then signed me off for 10 days to get over it emotionally - I had it on a Weds & the nurse said I could go back on the Mon but I couldn't face it. I'm back at work this Monday, hoping I can make it through the day!

icklemssunshine1 Fri 08-Mar-13 19:03:40

You need to do what feels best. If you want to hide away then do so. Pregnancy related absences can not count against you. Just explain to your employer & take time to look after yourself. I needed these past few days without DH & DD & work just to reflect & cry it out.

gonnabeamum Fri 08-Mar-13 19:14:17

thanks for the advice ickle. everyone at my work knew about my pregnancy too which is now really upsetting me (couldnt hide it due to morning sickness) just want to crawl into a little corner for a few weeks instead of facing them. x

wigwam33 Fri 08-Mar-13 19:40:53

I'm at the stage at the moment where I've only told a couple of people, partly because I was 'only' 7 weeks so a part of me feels like I shouldn't be so upset and the other part because I feel like if I mention it I'll either burst out crying or pretend that I'm completely fine with it and totally coping (I'm a bit all or nothing like that!).

It took us 2 years to conceive our DC1 and I guess there's lots of unhelpful stuff going around my head like, "you'll never have another one now" (I've had 2 mcs since DC1) and so on. If you've been there, you probably know the score.

LittleChickpea Sat 09-Mar-13 01:24:27

Hi all,

So sorry for everyone's lose. I started mc on monday 4th, March. I was 7 weeks. I am still bleeding but no clots or heavy bleeds now. Really sad but trying to stay positive - not easy. This was due to be our first.

We are thinking of just carrying on and ttc. Not sure if this is right or wrong.

Shellywelly1973 Sat 09-Mar-13 12:27:49

Hi. Its 2 weeks today since i went for my 12 scan to be told there was no heart beat. I had an ERPC on Wed 27/2.

The only support I've had is from MN...thank god for MN!

This week i was supposed to go back to 'normal'. I can't...

I keep wishing i could go back to before the mc. Im heart broken. Im barely functioning. I've sat here for hours just crying this last week. I've cancelled everything even an important hospital appointment for my youngest dc.

I can't fall asleep at night, wake early in the morning & started having mad dreams 3 nights ago.

I feed &dress the dc but Im not doing anything i can get out of. My family have been nothing but a source of upset&Im deeply hurt by my mum, sister & grown up dc. Im meant to go back to work on Monday but Im going to leave, it was only ever a job to fill up school hours.

I've never been like this before. Its a bit like pnd without the baby.

How do others move on & cope?

icklemssunshine1 Sat 09-Mar-13 13:58:21

Shelly, you need to see your GP. I was strangely calm after I found our but since the ERPC I have also had very dark days. I went to my GP & he prescribed me sleeping tablets so at least I feel physically rested. I also had panic attacks last week, think its the sense of a loss on control (I'm a major control freak). Luckily my BF is a counsellor & has a psychology degree, she's coming round later to teach me some techniques to cope with them. Don't really want to go back to school Monday & have a meltdown in front of a class, although my Yr 11a would prob love to see that!! It's horrible what we're doing through but our feelings are normal. My friend who MCd before Xmas actually developed a phobia of crowds for a while but time & support helped her. I'm lucky in the sense I have a very close circle of friends developed through work so I'm never alone (on the negative side it also means I see close friends every day who are expecting - painful). Can you show your friends & family this thread so they know exactly what you & other people go through? It's led didn't realise how much a loss a MC is til I experienced it myself. Another thing you could do is keep a positive though diary. My BF suggested this too - write down at least 1 thing a day that makes you smile. Been difficult for me as there are pages in mine that refer to my pregnant (I've had my diary for 6 months when I started having stress at work) but I've preservered & writing down some happy thoughts makes me feel positive. Doesn't have to bee major things - 2 days ago I wrote down that when I sneezed my DD wiped my nose!! (She's 19 months old!) You may not feel you have anything to be thankful for but focus on small happy things and I'm sure we'll have bigger happier moments in the future x

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