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MMC, no help or advice-what now?

(43 Posts)
Shellywelly1973 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:08:37

I went for my 12 week scan today, only to be told my baby died at 8 wks & 2 days.I had no reason to think anything was wrong, except for extreme worry that something was wrong but i couldn't explain why i have been so worried. I have never been like this with the other children.

Only dp and my best friend know i am pregnant, or not as i now know.

This is my 6th pregnancy. Im totally heart broken. I've gone into shock and i can't stop crying. Im 39 years old, baby was due 3 weeks before my 40th. It was my last chance baby.

As today is a Saturday, i was told nothing would be done today. I've been given no information, i dont know what will happen now. The sonographer said i would get a call in the week, is this normal?

What should i be doing? How do you come to terms with a mmc?

dorapeppageorgenoddy Sat 23-Feb-13 21:29:00

I'm sorry to read this - thus happened last week to me - I'm shocked/saddened you were just told to go home - sadly all depends on your area - does your hospital have an EPU if so I would ring tomorrow but if no answer defo go there Monday - most need a referral from GP or midwife - after my scan I did not go home they operated that night - but it's all hospital dependent -

Tomorrow is hard being Sunday but you will get answers Monday - did a second scanner/consultant come into the room and confirm?

Thinking of you - quite a few threads to read which will hopefully help -

cherrypiesally Sat 23-Feb-13 21:32:32

Loads of hugs, I promise time does heal in part. Just had my 3rd m/c at 8 wks second was identical to yours. You should get a call from the EPU but I would chase it up Monday instead of waiting. They will discuss options with you- waiting for a natural m/c, medical management, (tablets but not all hospitals offer this, mine font), ERPC.
Worthwhile getting sanitary pads and ibroprofen / co-codamol in for a natural m/c. Xxxxx

Shellywelly1973 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:40:44

Thanks for replying. No one else came in the room, i didnt get given the choice of speaking to anyone.

To be honest, i started to panic and wanted to run...

What would happen if i just leave it, i would probably pass the baby, wouldn't i? I've been reading like mad since i posted, i have no experience of miscarriage and of course no one ever talks about it. Do you tell people?

Thanks for the practical tips, i thought earlier on i will go shopping tomorrow for pads etc,

GoByTrain Sat 23-Feb-13 21:50:09

This happened to me too ... I'm hoping we can all go on to have another baby x But as for practical advise, if you just leave it, it will pass at some point (a friend left it and it took another month). But I suspect this is more dangerous and possibly more traumatic than if you have a d&c procedure - they sd offer you that as an option when they call in the week. Most odd that they did not discuss all options with you after your scan. So sorry for your news.

GoByTrain Sat 23-Feb-13 21:53:04

Ps I've told a few people. It turns out that many others have suffered this too... in one case, (a very close friend of mine), she told no-one until I told her about my news. People are very kind - and I'm usually a v private person.

Shellywelly1973 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:56:16

Does anyone know how long you have to wait for the d&c or do you normally have it done straight after the scan? ( was reading another thread on here, very similar situation to my own)

Shellywelly1973 Sat 23-Feb-13 22:03:10

I understand that GoByTrain. I haven't anyone i feel close enough to call tonight and i sent dp to work, as there isn't anything he can do. I probably will only tell family if i have to, most of them wouldn't have understood why we were having another dc.

At least when he went to work , i could cry. Whereas i felt i needed to pull myself together earlier, as he looks totally wiped out. It was me more then him that wanted another baby. We have 3 dc together. I got my bfp very quickley, i was really surprised as i thought it would take months.

I don't know if its my stupid body playing tricks on me but i've got back ache and period like pains for about the last hour...

GoByTrain Sat 23-Feb-13 22:15:58

Shelly love, no need to tell your family (I only told my sister). Perhaps just tell your best friend (the one who knows about the pg). In fact, could u call or simply text her now (that's if you want someone to talk to).

As for time before D&c - I don't think anyone has it directly after the scan (it involves a local anaesthetic so u need to have an empty stomach). I think I had mine 3 or 4 days after my scan.

It's grim but made me hug my son closer - who knows why these things happen. Sorry you're going thru this x

blondieminx Sat 23-Feb-13 22:16:44

I'm so sorry.

I was told that by the registrar who confirmed my MC that early MC's usually happen as something is not quite right with the baby....not that makes it any easier to bear when a much wanted baby is snatched away sad. My heart goes out to you.

miscarriage association helped me a lot as did the fact I fell pg again 6 weeks later (though of course I worried the whole way through...)

Call the EPU first thing Monday or better still go straight in, since the scan has confirmed the situation. Once you're in front of them look them in the eye and explain what you want to happen next. Explain that since you know things haven't developed in the last month or so and so you are not happy with "let's just wait and see" as a care plan.

There are broadly 2 options for the hospital when treating a woman who has suffered a MC "medical management" which means either waiting for the actual miscarrying to start naturally (unlikely to be a good option for you) or by giving tablets to encourage that process along; or "surgical management" which means a small op and for them to know that everything that needs to come away has done so.

I'd agree with the recommendation for getting good painkillers in - get the hosp to give you Diclofenac.

Be very kind to yourself this weekend <unmumsnetty hug>

Shellywelly1973 Sat 23-Feb-13 22:36:20

Thankyou all.

Its so horrible but comforting to know there are others who have been where i am right now and you've got through it.

If any of you knew me , you wouldn't recognise me in my posts. I am a very 'whats meant to be, will be' type of person. When i was pregnant with ds4 i bleed for 2 weeks, i prayed to God, i begged him to leave me the baby, at whatever cost... ds is autistic.

With this pregnancy i knew i wouldn't be able to cope with another disabled dc so i prayed the child would be NT & healthy, if not to take her now.He did.

I have been worried about this pregnancy for no reason i can explain, since about 6 weeks. I even booked into the hospital, i felt would deal with any loss or tests better(not local).

I know this baby wasn't meant to be. I paid for a private scan, again something i've never done with any of the others. I had the scan at 7wks & 2 days. I seen the little heart beat & got lots of pictures. Im so glad i did now or else i would have nothing to prove she had been here.

Thank you all again. This is a part of mumsnet, i've never been to before but its the nicest place by far! x

Bakingtins Sun 24-Feb-13 09:28:30

Hi Shelly I'm really sorry that you've lost your baby, and think it's awful that you've been left hanging without someone talking to you about what happens now. I hope when you feel strong enough you'll complain to the hospital. It's a terrible thing to be told, the support needs to be there immediately for someone getting that bad news at a scan.
In my first MC I was on my own, since I'd had bleeding in previous pregnancy and had had a scan showing a heartbeat previously I wasn't too worried as it was only spotting. I was devastated when I was told the baby had no heartbeat. They stuck me in a room and didn't find someone to come and talk to me for nearly 2 hours. That in itself made the whole experience more difficult to come to terms with - I was in such a state by the time they spoke to me I couldn't take it in and they were unsympathetic.
You shouldn't have to be researching your options yourself, but there is a very clear explanation on the MA website here
I think there is something in the idea that once you know in your own mind that the baby has died you can allow your body to let go, but in your shoes I would not want to be waiting for something to happen.
We're here if you need to vent. My experience is that I just felt numb for the first few days until I had the physical bit over with, it was only after that was done that I was able to grieve.

cherrypiesally Sun 24-Feb-13 09:53:30

Shelly, how are you today?

pumpkinsweetie Sun 24-Feb-13 11:05:00

Hi Shelley, how are you today?thanks

Shellywelly1973 Sun 24-Feb-13 14:38:14

Thanks the replys have really helped.

Had a bad nights sleep last night...woke up crying twice. Then this morning for a split second i forgot...

Just struggling through the day. Dc are noisy & bored. I just want peace & quiet.
I was in the room this time yesterday, i can't believe its only 24 hours ago. Dp has been great but nothing helps.

Im tormented with guilt. I have smoked for 22 years but reduced to 5/10 a day and by week 6 of the pregnancy to a couple a day. I stopped totally the day i was 8 died 2 days later.

I should have stopped totally as soon as i got bfp.

I don't drink but feel like getting drunk&smoking my head off...anything to make how i feel go away. When will i feel better or more normal?

Bakingtins Sun 24-Feb-13 14:47:33

Don't blame yourself. It's very unlikely anything you've done or not done caused the miscarriage. Plenty of people do everything wrong and take home a baby, others do it by the book and still miscarry. There is no justice in this.
For your own health, having stopped smoking, try not to relapse now. You've done a great thing for your own and your children's health, and for a future LO if you decide to try again.
Can you do something positive to make yourself feel a little better? Massage, haircut, buy something in memory of the baby?
It's normal to be totally floored by this news, and it can take weeks or months to feel more normal. Take it one day at a time.

pumpkinsweetie Sun 24-Feb-13 16:32:53

Nothing you did, would have caused your mc. Don't blame yourself shelley.
Mornings are always the worst, i find too. You wake up & for a split second forget only to remember you are not pregnant anymore sad
I also cried in my sleep three nights solid, and woke up with a wet pillow.
Take care of yourself thanks xx

Possiblyoutedled Sun 24-Feb-13 16:43:45

God isn't it just the shitest thing and such a shock. The exact thing also happened to me and I had to wait for a d and c for days it was really awful. I found people were sympathetic for about 5 minutes then expected me to be over it but its not that easy as you know.
Just take time to grieve and get support on here if not in rl.
As for last chance I had dd at 43 naturally conceived and very healthy so don't give up hope.

pumpkinsweetie Sun 24-Feb-13 16:59:33

That's true Possibly-re the 5mins sympathy and then expect you to be as bright as rain a few days later!
Unfortunetly my mum has rather much been like this, bless her, she means well but her attitude is-oh well you were only 6+weeks etc, and on day 3 she accused me of being depressed previously and that she's happy i'm back to my normal selfconfused, very frustrating and to make things worse she's put her boot in about me trying again, not that we aresad, then she went on to say in the olden days i wouldn't have even noticed-lovelyhmm
Dh has been there for me, a close friend and my sister although a distance away, so atleast that's something.
My mum isn't normally like that, rather shocked tbh and quite upset, that she seems to think this is something i can just get over in a daysad

Shellywelly1973 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:04:22

Had a good chat with dp this afternoon, he's a very logical sort of person. He said the way he's coping is by thinking there was something wrong with the baby& it wasn't meant to be.

I agree, we already have an Autistic ds. I was worried the baby could have SN & had decided to not continue with the pregnancy if anything was discovered. I now realise that would be a million times worse then what wrong are experiencing, i know i couldn't terminate & it would be extremely difficult to cope.

Dp is good, don't get me wrong but when it was realised ds was having difficulties, he fell apart. I went through the whole diagnostic process by myself with ds. Dp to this day has never attended an appointment with a HCP with regards to ds. Dp used the word autistic in regards to ds only about 2 weeks ago for the first time. Ds was diagnosed 2 years ago & has been in a special school for a year!

I just need to get through the next couple of weeks. Its my dd 21st bday this week & we find out where Dd11 will go to Secondry school next Friday.

I've got some stuff to do with work that i will just pass on. I have a big project this week but I've done all the work& i don't need to be there.

Im feeling calmer & more resigned, I've moved mentally to tick boxing mode & being very practical- its what i do when Im struggling, oh & wash clothes like a mad lady!

You all take care, thanks for reading.

Taffeta Sun 24-Feb-13 17:13:09

I'm so sorry to read this Shelley, so awful that you have been given no advice or support. Disgraceful.

Be easy on yourself.

Shellywelly1973 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:14:46

Pumpkin, my mum would be the same. Because of ds my mum would tell me i shouldn't even be thinking about trying again.
My mil told a family member recently to stop whinging about her mc&to be grateful for the dc she has! mil is normally a fantastic person but i do think different generations deal with things differently.

Im going to call my sister later. She had 2mc before going onto have 2 gorgeous dc. We are very close in age&get on very well. I know she will be really upset for me&don't want to inflict my loss on her, IYSWIM? She knows about mc so will be understanding & have practical advice for me.

CharlW1 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:23:34

Big hugs Shelly - I went through a MMC last year and it is heartbreaking. Time won't make you forget but it will make you stronger. Definitely speak to your sister - it will help x

Possiblyoutedled Sun 24-Feb-13 18:21:30

I was never hugely aware of how a mc affects a person.
My mum came up after mine and let me speak about it for about 5 mins then changed the subject. It felt awful as my heart was literally hurting.
I remember the pain 12 yrs later. The loss.
My mum had a stillborn baby so I never felt I could be too sad around her.
Do take some time off work though.

dorapeppageorgenoddy Sun 24-Feb-13 20:39:30

I hope you get some answers tomorrow - It's sad the standard of care is so different across the board - my first scan led to rolling events and I had the op that night but the consultant asked when I last ate and as it had been at 11 and the first scan was at 2 and the consultant was talking to me at 4 he said he would put me on the list for tonight - it also depends on the hospital some hospitals operate 7 days a week and some just seem to stop at weekends etc -

Are you planning on going to the EPU in the morning? Or phone your midwife -

If you want/need to ask me something please do -

Thinking of you and hope all goes ok tomorrow -

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