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Please help - I feel lost x

(192 Posts)
Mummytothearkbuilder Sun 03-Feb-13 11:32:37

I posted on here last week as I had been anxious since I got my BFP and had some lovely reassuring responses.

My HCG level had been re-tested last week and come back all good so was looking forward to my early scan that I had booked hoping to see the heartbeat for full reassurance.

We went yesterday and after an abdominal and internal scan the guy said he couldn't see a heartbeat - just a sac and foetus with no heartbeat - we were devastated and spoke to our local maternity unit who said we go to A&E and they will re-do bloods however they came back increased (from 17866 on 30th Jan to 20202) so we were given a small glimmer of hope.

Just been for a wee and have some brown discharge so I guess the sonographer was right. I am so sad hmm I don't know how I should act or what to do - I am scared of what is to come and passing the baby (because that's what it is to me - I can't rationalise it as some cells that didn't form properly).

I desperately wanted another baby and a sibling for my little boy - he is 4 in April and I was already worried about a big age gap.

Please help me xxx

fod27 Wed 27-Feb-13 23:54:49

He's been a godsend he really has, glad I will be out of no mans land but so scared about ttc again (I really really want to) but i am terrified it will happen all over again

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Wed 27-Feb-13 19:16:06

Good luck Fod. I think that was a good decision, it's a simple procedure. I'm sure you will be relieved that its all over. It's normal to feel sad too about the pregnancy really being over after the surgery, hard to explain but that's how I felt each time.
You may be really tired for a while afterwards. It can take a couple of weeks to feel anything like back to normal physically. Make sure your DH or someone else is around to look after you for the next couple of days.

fod27 Wed 27-Feb-13 19:15:26

They think I should be out by 12, been researching all sorts and now I'm dead scared....apparently they can either do a vacuum aspiration or a d and c which are totally different but the d and c has been linked to ashermans syndrome, making myself ill looking into it sad

Mummytothearkbuilder Wed 27-Feb-13 19:01:19

Hi fod - hope you are okay Hun - sorry the scan confirmed your fears. I really hope the d and c goes okay tomorrow - are you just in for the day? I am trying to be less angry today and not snap so much at DH but I just feel so frustrated!

I will be thinking of you tomorrow - make sure you take plenty of time to recover and be kind to yourself - get loads of yummy things to eat for when you feel like eating.

Big hugs xxxxx

fod27 Wed 27-Feb-13 13:30:38

Had my rescan and baby was still there, the sack had started to collapse and they reckon that's what the bleeding was, she said I could give it another week and have the op next week.....don't think I can mentally take anymore tho.

I asked if it could affect my chances of concievebly and she said it wouldn't although she cant guarantee I wouldn't mc again but she did stress that she didn't think it was likely (I'm sure you have all heard that before). I'm booked in tomorrow morning for the op...just hope this brings about some closure and we can look to the future. I know what you mean about feelings of anger! As we left the EPU there were women 7 and 6 months pregnant pulling up on the car park or walking in...I just scowled at them and my partner called them bitches (under his breath) think he's just as angry especially his remark "he doesn't look like he's got a spunk in him"

Mummytothearkbuilder Wed 27-Feb-13 10:09:29

Morning ladies, Fod - how are you doing? Hope you are okay xxx

Mummytothearkbuilder Tue 26-Feb-13 17:23:38

Oh fod - bless you - it is so hard isn't it. I have had my first day back today and everyone has been lovely but all asking why I was off (I work with some nosy people!) in the end I just said it and they were quite taken back but it shut them up!

It really is a roller coaster - I am now feeling really angry about the whole thing and generally cross - I know I am snapping at DH which i am trying not to do as he has been so lovely - just wish we weren't back to square one hmm

Have you spoken to your doctor or EPU - were you due your re-scan today?

Lots of hugs xxxxx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Tue 26-Feb-13 15:31:30

crikey! Sorry to be so twee! blush
Also, I agree with BlackHoles. Let it out. I kicked hell out of a tree last week! It does help!

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Tue 26-Feb-13 15:29:30

Fod, I think these emotions are pretty par for the course. Ive been through the 5 stages of grief, done them all, still doing them, but its been a few weeks, and a new hope is starting to replace the lost hope. My emotions are pretty roller coaster ish, today definitely isnt a great day, but the clouds are lifting a bit. Without wanting to sound gushy, remember Pandora's box. There is always hope. Theres another cycle and another, all with a little spark of hope.
Chin up Hun. {{hug}}

fod27 Tue 26-Feb-13 15:10:50

Think that's exactly what it is...loosing hope and it all becoming very real, I've cried and become so angry. I don't want to return to work either, simply because I'll have to face everyone and all their questions plus my students have been asking after me (which is lovely) apart from the fact that one of them will be due the same time I was....I hope I don't treat her any different from her peers...that's going to be really hard. I just hope we all get through this my heart goes out to you all cxxx

BlackholesAndRevelations Tue 26-Feb-13 14:50:01

Actually a friend of mine asked how I was earlier, and I feel like it might be hitting me now a bit, when I was absolutely fine. Think it's because I'm back to work tomorrow after an amazing half term with my kids. Don't want to go back. It feels like the old feelings are flooding back sad

BlackholesAndRevelations Tue 26-Feb-13 14:45:55

Oh fod sad hugs to you. Hope it's not too painful. Do allow yourself to grieve, and cry and shout and whatever you need to do. I'm so sorry youre going through it xxx

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Tue 26-Feb-13 08:06:23

It's understandable to feel very emotional. It's just a terrible thing to go through and it's the loss of hope with a sad ending.

fod27 Tue 26-Feb-13 00:26:28

Thanks guys. still bleeding but it's period like loss... Nothing extreme yet, been very emotional too...think that's because I'd clung to hope for so long that now it's finally happening I'm gutted all over again x

Mummytothearkbuilder Mon 25-Feb-13 15:29:26

Oh fod bless you - once I passed my first clot it all happened quite quickly - before that it was like a period then the clot happened and I had 2-3 hours of heavy bleeding ( camped in the bathroom) and then once that finished it was like having a period. The pain was bad for me but then I am a wuss - I took co-codamol.

Hope it isn't too bad for you - thinking of you xxx

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Mon 25-Feb-13 14:24:53

Fod27 you will probably continue to bleed for a while. It's different for everyone. Some women will bleed a little bit for a while and others will bleed heavily for a short time and it will taper off.
In terms of pain, it can feel periody and crampy.
Although it feels scary, you will be OK and you will cope. X

fod27 Mon 25-Feb-13 14:13:50

Think it's starting ;( Ive been wearing pads all week just in case and this morning I woke up to find brown blood on the pad, after going to the loo there was brown and red blood....what should I expect to happen next?

fod27 Mon 25-Feb-13 00:15:15

I've been the same...I fell out with my mum slated my brother and snapped at my partner, all day I've been pissed off. Glad I'm not alone, the more people are happy around me the more I want to poke them in the eye with a very sharp fork!

Mummytothearkbuilder Sun 24-Feb-13 11:33:01

Ps - sorry for the typos - I'm typing on my phone and have chunky fingers!! X

Mummytothearkbuilder Sun 24-Feb-13 11:32:09

Hope you ladies are all doing okay this morning. I am feeling really grumpy today - I know that's sounds really mean but I am suddenly really cross about the whole thing - I really want to move on from all this but his morning just feel really cross that we are back to square one - it doesn't seem fair (I know how childish that sounds!).

I have to go and face Tesco today - out house has nothing in! Oh the joy of seeing pregnant woman!!

Hope you all have a lovely relaxing Sunday xx

fod27 Sat 23-Feb-13 20:19:52

I have to phone them on the 27th to tell them that there is no change, they haven't said anything positive about it tbh....hope is all I have at the minute ;( I know what you mean about pregnant women, I went in Tesco with my daughter and the girl behind the counter was telling her friend how she's 4 months along and I wanted to jump over the counter and poke her in the eye...I was sooo angry

Mummytothearkbuilder Sat 23-Feb-13 12:18:55

Sorry to hear that saggy - they said I didn't need to do that as my womb is clear but I'm not sure whether to anyway - just so I know the hormone is all gone and I'm ready to start again.

I know what you mean about pregnant woman vein everywhere - I'm off into town in a bit and just know its all I will see - I dreamt about being pregnant last night and felt empty when I woke up this morning. I know I need to move past it but its still very much on my mind.

Sorry there is no change fod - is your scan on Tuesday - are they certain that you won't have a happy outcome when you are re-scanned - my DH didn't give up hope until it all started last Friday so if it helps you to hold onto hope then do so, I know it helped my hubby.

Hope the rest of your day is okay for you both - thinking of you xx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sat 23-Feb-13 12:13:22

I was in a really good mood today, but a really sweet person who I think the world of has just told me his GF is expecting! It's knocked me for six! I'm so pleased for him, but everywhere I turn there are babies. I'm trapped in a market stall and can't get away from them! sad it doesn't help that I took my weekly POAS a while ago on a loo break. It's still showing positive. I'm so fed up of this!

fod27 Sat 23-Feb-13 11:32:35

Totally agree about the BFPs! Being on here has been a real support, my friends talk but then they just move onto the next topic ....I can't do that I'm still very much stuck on the same topic, still nothing this end for me ;( I spoke to a colleague yesterday that went through exactly the same thing, they sent her home to let it happen naturally and nothing.

They had her back in the EPU and rescanned her....the baby was fine! Can you believe it? She went onto have her daughter who is now 15...god I wish that was possible ( clinging to false hope again) I feel like as long as nothing's happening I just can't move forward

I go back to work on Monday and I'm worried it may happen there, my poor students!
Mummy I'm glad they are reimbursing you, bet that's taken a load off and I'm happy to see that your scan is clear and you can start finding done kind of closure xxxx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sat 23-Feb-13 10:54:16

here for an article about baby aspirin.
I know what you mean about MN. I told lots of people out here about the baby, and after the MC everyone has been great. The support has been amazing. But it's hard to talk about your deepest darkest emotions and fears to someone's face, a even if they have MC themselves. It's the facelessness of people here, and the typing not speaking which helps to say things you wouldn't in real life.
It's helped me loads.

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