Advanced search

Please help - I feel lost x

(192 Posts)
Mummytothearkbuilder Sun 03-Feb-13 11:32:37

I posted on here last week as I had been anxious since I got my BFP and had some lovely reassuring responses.

My HCG level had been re-tested last week and come back all good so was looking forward to my early scan that I had booked hoping to see the heartbeat for full reassurance.

We went yesterday and after an abdominal and internal scan the guy said he couldn't see a heartbeat - just a sac and foetus with no heartbeat - we were devastated and spoke to our local maternity unit who said we go to A&E and they will re-do bloods however they came back increased (from 17866 on 30th Jan to 20202) so we were given a small glimmer of hope.

Just been for a wee and have some brown discharge so I guess the sonographer was right. I am so sad hmm I don't know how I should act or what to do - I am scared of what is to come and passing the baby (because that's what it is to me - I can't rationalise it as some cells that didn't form properly).

I desperately wanted another baby and a sibling for my little boy - he is 4 in April and I was already worried about a big age gap.

Please help me xxx

Mummytothearkbuilder Sun 17-Feb-13 16:34:01

We went out - garden centre for a coffee with mum and then popped to in-laws - really nothing too energetic but it has completely wiped me - I feel like I have overdone it and the bleeding and pain seems to have increased today hmm

I am feeling really frustrated in all honesty - I am a get up and go person and like to just get on with things and at the moment I am not able to and that is making things worse. If I was able to just get back to normal at least I would feel like I am moving forward but at the moment I feel stuck hmm

Sorry for the whinge ladies - I am feeling a bit low this afternoon - I will snap out of it - onwards and upwards!! Xxx

fod27 Sun 17-Feb-13 17:09:53

We went to a jungle bungle type place (ball pools etc) everytime the door opened a woman walked in with a about soul destroying, ended up moving seats so that we were further away from the entrance.
You have every right to feel this way, it's all part and parcel of it.... Plus it's still so fresh! Personally I think we are both doing well trying to venture out all things considered

Hope you feel better soon xxxxx

fod27 Sun 17-Feb-13 18:03:08

Help I'm at the inlaws and been to the loo, wiped myself and found a bloody discharge on the paper....nothing on the pad tho, is this how it starts?

BlackholesAndRevelations Sun 17-Feb-13 18:48:28

Yes fod that's how both of mine started. Best get home asap. Thinking of you xxxx

fod27 Sun 17-Feb-13 20:24:55

Thanks, just awaiting the inevitable ;(

Mummytothearkbuilder Sun 17-Feb-13 20:57:15

Hi fod

Hope you are okay - that is how mine started but it took a while to get going. It really kicked off when I passed the first clot - then there was literally no coming out the bathroom.

Thinking of you lovely - get some painkillers near you and a hot water bottle.

Lots of hugs xxxx

P.s - Mine also started at the in-laws!! X

fod27 Sun 17-Feb-13 22:56:51

That's freaky - theres so much to blame the inlaws for - just kiddin - hope it starts soon want this state of limbo to be over ;( I've heard about the hot water bottle thing too.... I'll defo be sorting all of the above out

Thanks for the info will keep you posted xxxx

Mummytothearkbuilder Mon 18-Feb-13 09:41:41

Hi fod - how are things this morning? Hope you are okay.

I have dropped DS at pre-school and on my own for the first time since it happened. I am feeling quite low today hmm the bleeding and pain seem to be worse today (no idea why) and I am just getting fed up. I want to pick myself up and start moving forward by physically I just can't and then every time I see the blood it's just a reminder - I was it all over with hmm

I am sorry I am moaning - I feel like all I am doing at the moment is whinging and moaning to people - I have tried putting on a front but that is exhausting - I am getting worried about going back to work too xxxx

fod27 Mon 18-Feb-13 11:10:28

I'm fed up too huni, I went to bed in agony and nothing's happened, no more bleeding or cramps.... It's weird part of me wants it do e with and the other part is scared.
It's too soon yet for anyone to expect you to be back to normal ( it's going to take longer than a few days) plus your still very much going through the physical aspects of this.

On the other hand bring alone does give the chance to have a good cry without little seeing - that's that not I find hardest

Mummytothearkbuilder Mon 18-Feb-13 13:08:52

Bless you fod - hope you are not in too much pain. I know exactly what you mean about wanting it over but being scared - it's exactly how I felt on Friday when I knew there was no heartbeat - mine happened a few hours after the scan but it came after not knowing what was happening for 2 weeks. Once it started I had a strange sense of calm (although i found the whole thing shocking) - it was like I finally knew what was happening - no more limbo.

I have contacted the private scan people and asked for my money back and they were not pleasant - I have to make a formal complaint if I want my money back - I didn't tell her I had lost the baby as its irrelevant - when we went to them they said the baby was dead when it actually carried on growing for 10 days - the nhs scans show the growth. My DH wants to pursue the complaint but I don't know if I want to relive all the details of the past 2 weeks - what do you guys think? X

fod27 Mon 18-Feb-13 13:31:21

I felt that way after a visit to my GP, I had rectal bleeding and was. Dry concerned, I couldn't get hold of my midwife after phoning her 15 times! I then tried my drs and no joy there either in the end I phoned the medical care team who told me to contact NHS direct. They told me to get myself to my lo al walk in centre in the next two hours. At this point I was in a right state and at work, I had to get my classes covered, get home and get up there with my fiancé. After all that and a lengthy wait they told me they weren't qualified to carry out an examination and that they would get me an emergency appointment with my GP.

After she had examined me she started asking questions about the baby "did it take you long to conceive? How far along should you be?" I asked her if this meant there was something wrong with the baby- she told me that it wasn't as it was different parts of the anatomy.

When I got home I get replaying it in my head and I was convinced she knew something was wrong (this was on the Monday) I found out on the Wednesday that my baby had died. I'm convinced she knew but wanted the sonographer to tell me (passing the buck) I was livid!

I think your DH wants to feel proactive, and it helps to place blame. Good luck with whatever decision you make xxx

Mummytothearkbuilder Mon 18-Feb-13 18:17:02

Thanks hun - how are you feeling now? Has there been any change this afternoon?

My midwife called me this afternoon and was so lovely - she thinks I should wait until after my scan (to make sure there is nothing left) before going back to work but I'm not sure what to do - I am shattered and anytime I get up to so anything I'm floored - I got up to put the Tesco delivery away earlier and couldn't believe how rough I felt afterwards - how ridiculous is that!! I am worried people think I'm milking it for time off - I'm sure they don't really I just always worry about what other people think xx

fod27 Mon 18-Feb-13 18:31:38

No change for me ;( felt really light headed and nauseous earlier and I'm pretty sure I've a lovely cold coming too....great stuff.

I too feel that way about work, I wanted to go back the following day but my boss told me to take time off plus the fiancé threatened to hide my car keys if I did. Think your body is going through so much right now and don't think that goin back to work to quickly will help in fact it will probably have a really negative impact. Hoot you feel better soon cxxxx

Mummytothearkbuilder Tue 19-Feb-13 10:21:09

I don't think i will be back at work this week - I got up this morning feeling better but did some small things round the house and then was in pain and passed a medium sized clot - I really don't want that happening at work - we don't have the nicest loos at work and would rather be in the comfort of my own home!

How are you feeing today fod? Has there been any change for you - the waiting must be awful - that's one of the things I found hardest.

I'm going to try and compile the email to the private scan company today - I talked it through with my friend last night and she thinks we should complain - ultimately they told me my baby had died when in fact it continue to grow and live - that's quite a misdiagnoses!


fod27 Tue 19-Feb-13 19:54:01

Absolutely mummy it's driving me insane, I've just ventured out to nip asda...and I'm dreading walking past the baby clothes, think it'll be a run in and out jobby...I'd hate it if it happened it the middle if asda cxx

Think your better off at home as then you don't have to our a face on anything if things worsen zxx thinkin of you xxx

Mummytothearkbuilder Tue 19-Feb-13 20:27:35

Bless you fod - it so hard hmm I remember wanting to just get it done but on the other hand I didn't want to let go of it.

I have emailed work and told them I will be back next week - they were fine but I have to get a doctors note - I'm sure it won't be a problem though - I touched based with the drs yesterday and they seemed to think it was best to stay off.

I have written an email to the scan company - I'm hoping they come back to me tomorrow - even if it is to just acknowledge my complaint.

I have really ventured out too much since it happened - only the garden centre on Sunday. I think it is becoming a bit of an obstacle for me - I am so worried about seeing pregnant woman and just getting overly upset. I think I will pop to Tesco tomorrow - start off small and work up to going into town at the weekend.

I never thought it would all be so hard hmm trying to be positive though - we will get there smile

Thinking of you and hope the waiting isn't too unbearable. I have to say it has helped me so much chatting on here x

KatieBurgum86 Tue 19-Feb-13 20:34:40

Hi ladies I'm new to this, just wanted to tell you about what's happened to me and hopefully get some advise?? Had ectopic preg removed via lap 4 weeks ago.. Horrible time we conceived with chlomid after years of trying with pcos. My hcg levels fell from 1200-700-120-70-40-23... The doc asked me to come back after 2 weeks to confirm its at zero which I did.. The hcg had risen to 27 and a week later again up to 40... The nurse initially told me she thought this is a new pregnancy then that its prob not just tissue left behind.. They going to test me again n 3 days.. Is it possible I'm pregnant or caught a week after my op? And if so wouldn't the levels have gone far higher than just an increase of 13?? I'm really scared at the thought of having the methox injection if I may be pregnant?? Anyone had anything similar?? I'm going out of my mind... xx

fod27 Tue 19-Feb-13 21:05:31

I feel exactly the same way, I can talk to family but I worry that they may get sick of hearing it (or think I'm milking it) I'm sure they wouldn't but it's all I think and talk about. As soon as I walked into asda there was a woman with a newborn ;( it floored me.

We watched the news this afternoon and there was a story about two toddlers being killed -one accidental - the other was drug related, I was soo angry! Just kept thinkin how we would all love to have our precious children and would do anything for another and then I hear stories about appalling parents and I just get so mad at the injustice of it all.

I'm glad to hear your taking some time, definitely build up to venturing out, remember you have the emotional side of things to deal with and that will take a lot longer to overcome, noone will think any kestrels of you for it.

I'm so pleased I found this site, it's good to talk about it and share our experiences especially from a women's point of view. The fiancé tries his very best to understand and he's been fab but you guys have been and still are there. Plus everyone is so supportive.

katie I wish I had some answers for you but I've no experience with ectopic pregnancies although a increase in hcg would suggest a pregnancy (fingers crossed) hopefully there's someone in here with more info for you xxx hope it all works out x

Mummytothearkbuilder Tue 19-Feb-13 23:55:54

Wow Katie what a situation to be in - I have no experience of ectopic pregnancy either but there are so many knowledge people on here that I am sure someone will have some answers for you.

Did the doctor talk to you about whether you have a high chance of conceiving following an ectopic? When I spoke to the dr and midwife this week they said that you are more fertile following a miscarriage and can try as soon as you are ready - did the give you any advice following your op? What is the next step - are they re-doing your bloods?

Thanks fod - I'm not sure if the emotional side has hit yet or whether I have cried so much over the last 2 weeks that I have nothing left - I am almost waiting for this huge emotional wave to hit me. I know what you mean about feeling like you are going on about it in RL - my friends are texting me daily to see how I am (which is lovely) but feel like they are going to get fed up with me saying the same thing hmm one of my friends asked me what it was like to have the miscarriage - she said as she didn't know and hasn't experienced it she wanted to try and understand - I told her honestly all the details (and i mean all of them) and she was shocked - I think it's hard for people to understand if they haven't experienced it xxx

fod27 Wed 20-Feb-13 00:45:11

Your so right, I think people just hear the word miscarriage and assume its instantaneous. They don't realise how prolonged the physical and emotional elements are.

I too heard that your more fertile in the next six months after a mc....which at least is a silver lining, hoping to ttc asap (after my body finally kicks in) and the fertility theory gives me more hope.
My friends have had the same reaction when I've explained the ins and outs, their support has been great but you do feel like a broken record, I know it's hard for them (not knowing what to say, I mean "are you ok?" and "how are you feeling" are ridiculous questions but I would be exactly the same in their position) I actually told friends that I didn't expect much contact or a sympathetic ear as I know that if the roles were reversed I'd struggle to find the words

However it's almost as if people expect you to be more ''together' by now, like your getting over the flu or something. That's my perception anyway. There is nothing I'd like more than to be back to myself but it's drained me, I don't want to get out of bed, then when I do I feel like crap....prob because of too much sleep, once I'm up I don't see the point in getting ready? Doing my hair etc. I'm still in maternity clothes do I feel like crap -that along with everything else - and when I do eventually leave the house it's like I'm playing some version of my prior self to make other people feel at ease, what a ridiculous existence xx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Wed 20-Feb-13 01:05:34

Im a bit ahead of you guys, but for me it has got better. Ive had several meltdowns, I still have knackered days, but the fog is lifting. It helped when I managed to speak to DP about trying again, I was terrified he would say no, but he agreed. Now my bleeding has stopped and I have hope for the future, I feel like Ive got a little closure on this very unhappy few weeks. I dont want to say that I hope you guys feel better soon, but I hope you start to feel lighter soon. I think what people say about bereavement is true. You wont forget, but it will get easier.
Ive said this on several threads now, but when my friends and family say daft stuff, I take comfort in the knowledge that the people I care for dont know how I feel because they havent been through this shit and thats a good thing.
Hang in there girls. {{hug}}

Mummytothearkbuilder Wed 20-Feb-13 09:51:48

You sound just like me fod - I haven't washed my hair for 3 days (I know that sounds gross!!). Normally I am never like this - I am a hair and make up kind of girl and never slob about in my pjs yet that's all I have done the last few days. Yesterday I opened the door to the postman with my pjs on, no make up and bed hair - I would NEVER do that normally and I honestly didn't care.

Today I am going to Hoover downstairs and wash my hair - small steps! I have to get a sick note from my doctors so I guess I will have to venture outside at some point!!

How are you feeling fod - is there any change? Xx

fod27 Wed 20-Feb-13 11:57:36

Same here! High maintenance is my finances nickname for me (usually) a lady knocked on the door at 11 yesterday - I was still in bed- my daughter answered and told her I was sleeping, I felt mortified (I'm usually up at 6!

Still no change I had back pain again last night and then nothing again, it's driving me mad, in all my wisdom I decided to watch 'One born every minute' which lead to me searching online for cases of misdiagnosed missed miscarriages.....what am I doing?

Mummytothearkbuilder Wed 20-Feb-13 12:40:18

I love one born every minute and was looking forward to watching this series knowing I would be having a little one soon - I have now deleted this off my series planner - cant face watching it hmm

It is so hard not to think that maybe they have made a mistake with the diagnosis - my DH maintained a positive attitude right up until the miscarriage started - he said if there was a tiny chance he was holding onto it. He is now being super positive about trying again smile

Have you got long before your next appointment? Are they scanning you? Xx

fod27 Wed 20-Feb-13 13:19:11

The only thing I have been told is that if I don't mc by the 27th I need to ring them to discuss my options, they have clearly written me off, we watched it for the same reasons.

My fiancé is too staying upbeat about ttc again, but he thinks I'm clinging to false hope about a mmc ;(

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: