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Is it meant to be this hard?

(73 Posts)
SaggyOldClothCatpuss Fri 01-Feb-13 21:07:37

It was confirmed yesterday that I was miscarrying at 7 weeks. I was totally inconsolable. The doctor looked at me like I was mental! I'm a little calmer today, but it just keeps hitting me again, like a blow to the guts. My friend was being lovely, and offered a girly night and a bottle of cherry brandy. The fact that I can drink it now hit me WHAM!
I feel like a total fraud, I was 7 weeks, it was a cluster of cells pretty much, my poor sister lost her dd at 38 weeks! But I just can't get my head round this. I've been lurking in cyber space all day, pretending, but even Mumsnet isn't a safe place to hide anymore! I really need to pull myself together don't I?!

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Fri 01-Mar-13 21:40:50

I know. im starting to think I might be bipolar! confused

HoleyGhost Fri 01-Mar-13 21:34:18

Whew! It will get easier. And then harder again for a bit. No matter what happens the rollercoaster continues.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Fri 01-Mar-13 21:22:54

Well, they booked me in for next wednesday, but, I got a call today. My blood levels have gone right down to 19. They had stalled for the last 10 days at 150! Discharged to GP for another blood test next week. Im rather relieved! Ive got a feeling AF is on her way, have some major cramps going on, so thats that! Onward and upward! Ive gone from the pit of despair yesteday to being optimistic for the future. Talk about a rollercoaster!

HoleyGhost Fri 01-Mar-13 21:16:12

That really sucks :-(

I hope it all resolves soon. Have they booked you for another scan?

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Thu 28-Feb-13 09:58:49

FGS! I'm back at EPAU today. It's four weeks since this started. I have still got hCG in my blood, and have just been scanned again. There's either a corpus luteum or the residue of an ectopic on my ovary. They aren't going to do anything, just see what happens. In so sick I this now. I want to draw a line now and move on. sad angry

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Thu 14-Feb-13 11:32:53

I'm glad you're doing ok JMF. I know what you mean about seeing babies. I was reading a stupid romance novel and there was a birth in it! I was in bits. I hope that whatever you decide to do it works out happily for you. X

jmf294 Thu 14-Feb-13 11:24:41

Saggy- so glad you had that conversation with your DP, he sounds wonderful and I'm so glad he understood.
Have fun seeing what happens and I really hope you have some good news soon.
Holey sorry you are feeling so sad- it would be really good to talk to someone and get some help. I hope your bleeding settles down and then you can start your physical recovery.
I'm doing ok generally- still have moments when I cry, like seeing a baby born on TV last night- wasn't OBEM, thats banned but the Brain Doctors programme. When the snow came back it made me sad as it was snowwing last time when I lost the pregnancy and I ran at the weekend and that made me sad as I just wished I was still pregnant!
My period came back this week so just over 3 weeks after the ERPC- I had been worried about waiting for weeks. I'm so stupid I was trying to work out what my EDD would be if I got pregnant this month- would be November!! Not sure if I just want to replace what I lost or if i truely want to try again. This pregnancy was a surprise and it all feels a bit scary.

Thinking of you all xx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Thu 14-Feb-13 09:59:10

We will see. Mine stopped all of a sudden. I really hope the counselling helps midear. Each day as it comes. X

HoleyGhost Thu 14-Feb-13 09:31:24

I've booked a counselling session for next week as I feel that I am not moving on. It doesn't help that I am still bleeding heavily (surely I should have lost all my blood by now!)

Saggy I'm glad you talked to your dp :-) I hope that today will feel like a new begining.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Thu 14-Feb-13 08:41:01

Hoping for a better day today.
{{hugs}} for Holey, and I really hope you feel better soon. I took your advice. I spoke to DP and just told him how i feel. I just couldn't sleep and my thoughts were eating me up. So I just said it. My DP was lovely. He just held me as I sobbed, and said that he was worried about me having to go through this again, but we could just go with it, not use contraception and see what happens! He never fails to surprise me! We've been together 21 years and somewhere along the line he's changed so much! A couple of years ago he wouldn't have said "Never" and been totally immoveable on the subject. I think it's been other people's reactions, which have been universally positive which have helped!
I really hope I can move on now. I hate feeling like this. I was being eaten alive. I was sat in the dark in my paddock last night filling the water trough and just sobbing!

HoleyGhost Wed 13-Feb-13 17:14:10

You are not alone. I feel like shit and have the opposite problem - my DH is so eager to try again. I know it is too recent and too raw to make such a big decision but I don't want to face another pregnancy.

Saggy, you don't need to rush a decision. Maybe tell your dp how you are feeling right now, without any ultimatum. The awfulness of miscarriage puts strain on the relationship as well as everything else.

We all need a bit of time to grieve. Though the loss will always be with us.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Wed 13-Feb-13 16:57:51

I feel really shit today. I spent most of it in bed, and when I did get up I just mooched round the house weeping occasionally. sad
Today I feel desolate and have no idea how I will get past this. I can't bring myself to speak to DP about it, I'm fairly certain he will say that he doesn't want to make another baby, and this is it. sad

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Mon 11-Feb-13 21:58:33

I agree with SpanishLady. I an dreadfully jealous of pregnant people, and angry that I'm not, but I wouldnt wish this on anybody.
My cousin is due any day, and it HURTS, but i've just found out that she has been through this, and I cant grudge her her baby. It WILL be us, oneday.

SpanishLady Mon 11-Feb-13 20:10:22

Holey, you are not evil! It's hard to hear of other people's pregnancies and you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel a twinge of something it's normal. You
Don't begrudge this friend you just wish it was you too and the fact is none of us can know it won't be us soon. It's hard to wait with all the fear and hope you have but it will you be again x

HoleyGhost Mon 11-Feb-13 09:56:48

To explain the above - I had suspected said friend was pregnant and had been thinking it would be lovely to be on mat leave at the same time. I was really hoping she was - now she is and I am not!

HoleyGhost Sun 10-Feb-13 14:56:48

I was feeling better today until DH nipped out to the shops. He met a friend there who told him she was expecting.

I've been through years of infertility and never previously been upset to hear a pregnancy anouncement. I feel evil.

I so want this miscarriage to be over.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sun 10-Feb-13 12:40:35

Back on the roller coaster today! The book I was reading had a baby in it! confused sad I was feeling so much better too! angry

fatasbutter Sat 09-Feb-13 16:36:22

Thanks jmf - am glad erpc was ok for you: Monday is my scan and hopefully get booked in ASAP! Really need to move on, and I want to start exercising so need this unbearable tiredness and slight nausea to bugger off! wink

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sat 09-Feb-13 11:14:49

And I'm also sad about the number of people close to me who have been through this and I never knew. I know everyone is different, and lots of people are very private, but the people around me have been amazing, and being alone in my sadness would be so much harder.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sat 09-Feb-13 11:11:43

That's true. I look at people I know who have had miscarriages in a totally new light. I was always one of those dreaded "oh how awful, maybe it was for the best, it was early days, life goes on" types. Ignorance is definitely bliss. sad

SpanishLady Sat 09-Feb-13 10:38:11

Glad to hear you are feeling better JMF!

it was tough for me too saggy going back my boss knew but no one else so am not sure who was most shocked when the colleague who sits next to me thrust a photo of her friends newborn at me - I must have recoiled in horror as she looked terrified/upset and confused. I felt so bad I explained and as tends to happen she confided that she has had two mc's (first time with twins) and also had an ectopic last year - I immediately felt even worse for moping around when she's had that on her plate. I really hadn't appreciated who in my life has been through this horrible experience.

On a slightly more positive note I tested BFN today so think i have been lucky as its just been a week since my MC. I am hoping for an AFP this month.

Hope everyone has a nice a weekend as possible and the snow tomorrow isn't too much of a pain. X

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sat 09-Feb-13 10:37:15

I'm trying to not let myself feel down. ha ha ha I'm trying to lose a little a lot weight so if I do this again I'm not classed as high risk, and eat more healthily!

jmf294 Sat 09-Feb-13 07:27:45

How are you all doing ladies?
It's sad that there are many of us going through this.
Hope the bleeding settles Saggy- well done for going back to work, it's hard. I was off for 8 days and was so scared about going back.
Had a few sad moments at work with other people talking about babies,

Hope things are ok for you fatasbutter.
My ERPC was really quite a peaceful experience for me- I was frightened about passing everything at home. In hospital I was well looked after and I was fine. Went to sleep and woke up feeling fine, no pain, only very light bleeding. Thought to myself it was my babies final gift to me that all would be ok.

My infection is all gone- I just had severe pelvic pain but the antibiotics have been horrid- diarrhoea and horrid taste in mouth,
I need to sort myself out - comfort eating excessively and not exercising!!
I am off for a run at 8 so better get up.

Hope you all have a peaceful weekend ladies xx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Fri 08-Feb-13 20:17:10

As an aside to Pom, am I keeping the bear? wink

PomBearWithAnOFRS Fri 08-Feb-13 20:15:35

Hang in there Saggy <manly buffet on shoulder type thing>

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