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Is it meant to be this hard?

(73 Posts)
SaggyOldClothCatpuss Fri 01-Feb-13 21:07:37

It was confirmed yesterday that I was miscarrying at 7 weeks. I was totally inconsolable. The doctor looked at me like I was mental! I'm a little calmer today, but it just keeps hitting me again, like a blow to the guts. My friend was being lovely, and offered a girly night and a bottle of cherry brandy. The fact that I can drink it now hit me WHAM!
I feel like a total fraud, I was 7 weeks, it was a cluster of cells pretty much, my poor sister lost her dd at 38 weeks! But I just can't get my head round this. I've been lurking in cyber space all day, pretending, but even Mumsnet isn't a safe place to hide anymore! I really need to pull myself together don't I?!

Sophiaarya Fri 01-Feb-13 21:14:56

How ever far along you are it matters! It is still a loss to you and in your heart. Time heals. But you never forget. Promise you will feel stronger it just doesn't feel like it now and it feels so unfair. X

halesball Fri 01-Feb-13 21:42:49

I'm so sorry for your loss. You definitely don't need to pull yourself together. You only found out yesterday, allow yourself time and space to grieve. Losing a baby is devastating at any point. Take it hour by hour you'll then be able to take it day by day thanks

Geekster Fri 01-Feb-13 22:19:57

So sorry for your loss. The fact that you were 7 weeks makes no difference to what is a truly horrible time. What you are feeling is normal, you have suffered a bereavement and like any bereavement you need to give yourself lots of time. You do not need to pull yourself together you need to give yourself time to grieve and you feel how you feel from day to day. There are no time limits, all I can tell you is it does get better in time, but you will never entirely forget, but learn to live with it.

Take care x

TaytoCrisp Sat 02-Feb-13 10:23:34

So sorry to read of your loss. It's such a dreadful place to be, especially as you are going through it right now. You definitely do not need to "pull yourself together"; This is a terribly distressing and draining experience. You need to do whatever you can to get through these few days - whether that is talking about it, coming on here, resting in bed, meeting a friend, booking a facial, eating a gigantic chocolate bar.. Whatever! And you need to be kind to yourself too...

Although you say you feel like a fraud, and it was just "a cluster of cells" the truth is that you have not just lost this little baby, but right now you have also lost the hopes you had for this little one, for you and your Partner and your life as a little family.. It's a lot more than "a cluster of cells", and is something that hits hard at all stages..

Right now it might be hard to be hopeful, but if this is your first experience of miscarriage, it is highly likely that you will go on to have a successful pregnancy the next time - the vast majority of people do- though it might be hard to think about that right now.

It must be especially hard for you to feel you can express your sadness given your ds's truly awful experience.. But her experience does not lessen the fact that early miscarriage can be devastating, and you need to be able to express this as its happening. As other posters have said, you will feel better, but its important to let yourself be sad and angry now.. It's a rotten experience you are having.

Be kind to yourself and don't hid. Take care x.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sat 02-Feb-13 10:42:19

Thanks for your posts. I felt like I was going a little mad! Tayto you are right. It's all changed. Nothing will be like I planned. That's really hard to think about right now. sad

TaytoCrisp Sat 02-Feb-13 11:11:20

Holding your hand saggy.

Countmyblessings Sat 02-Feb-13 12:20:48

Saggy- I'm so sorry for your loss and as its already been said - it's fresh news and your right to mourn the life you thought you was going to have when you found out!!!
My advice to you is take 1 day at a time, your day your way!
Talk to your oh/ DH if its possible sharing the feelings of what you have lost is important!
Write down your feelings, I did and when I looked back I couldn't believe how far I had come! ( I have had 3 losses in total 2 ectopics and MMC at 13 weeks)
Don't think your alone as you can see coming on here you connect with women who are dealing with the same feelings as you! All normal all expected!

Big hug and hand holding from me to u x

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sat 02-Feb-13 16:03:20

Coming here really helps. People have been coming and going all day. I feel like a goldfish in a bowl. And if one more person does the sympathetic head tilt I will scream! It's lovely on MN, I can't see anybody!

CupOfTeaSandwiches Sat 02-Feb-13 16:50:32

I know exactly how you feel. I found out the same news last Monday. I have to go back to the hospital on Monday coming for a further scan although I know the results already.

I will hold your hand if you don't mind holding mine. I am feeling the same way as you. There are also times when I feel like going and smashing everything breakable through anger and disappointment.

It's very early days and everything is such a shock. Just look after yourself and do what makes you feel ok at that time.

Thinking of you xx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sat 02-Feb-13 17:57:51

I'm all for mutual hand holding. Especially here where we can say the things we can't say out loud in real life. X

jmf294 Sat 02-Feb-13 18:15:28

Saggy and Cupoftea- I was also on your antenatal thread and I left over 2 weeks ago.
It is just horrible and I'm so sorry for you both.
I have 2 children and this one was a lovely surprise 3rd!
Never experience a miscarriage before- I opted for a ERPC as I was so frightened about what might happen and I wanted it over quickly.
I have been back in hospital today with pain and now have probably got an infection. I should be 10 weeks pregnant and looking forward to my scan in 2 weeks- not left like this.

Take things easy, one day at a time and its good to cry and cry.
It wasn't just cells, it was your baby and very loved.
Thinking of you both. Xx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sat 02-Feb-13 18:34:57

I remember you JMF. {{hug}} I got on the September bus so full of optimism. I would NEVER ill wish any of those lovely people, but I feel so jealous of them all still happy and looking forward to their babies. sad

Countmyblessings Sat 02-Feb-13 19:27:56

Saggy - that's the thing about being excited you join on a thread and with all those people in the first few days weeks you see people posting bad news your heart goes out as you say " sorry" never thinking that could be you till it happens to you!!!!
I started a thread where so many women fell of Threads and knowing that thread will continue without them sharing news of scans and heartbeats!
Feeling jealous is normal and that feeling will past! I had 4 RL friends pregnant when I lost last one they avoided me as didn't want to upset me not knowing that avoiding me and my loss was awful! Some I got to speak freely about it and 1 will never know!!!
It may seem hard, dark,bleak and even hopeless but your days will get better and easier! As I said 1 day at a time!!!

Ps- I hated the look of sympathy too,but people especially those who have never suffered a loss don't have a clue on how to handle how your feeling!!!!

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sat 02-Feb-13 19:37:43

The worst sympathy to handle comes from my sweet sister. She has been so lovely to me. When she lost her daughter I was so upset, and felt so guilty that I had 2 healthy dcs and she had none, I couldnt speak to her for a week. I dont feel I deserve her sweetness!

PomBearWithAnOFRS Sat 02-Feb-13 20:04:48

sad Awww Saggy I am so sorry to hear this. I can't think of anything to say but that, I just haven't got the words sad

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Sun 03-Feb-13 11:18:28

Well I can now definitively affirm that everything does NOT look better when you are pissed.

LandsN Sun 03-Feb-13 11:32:46

I am so sorry to read this i went through exactly the same a week before xmas so know exactly how you feel sad i already have 2 children and tried so hard to put a brave face on for them and to get through xmas and believe me it does no good to hold it in the more you can express your grief the better i got to new year and it hit me then cos i should have been happy going ito the new year but instead i just cried and cried.
nobody who knows what you are going through will ever judge you for expressing your feelins and i have found this website a amazing help just chatting to people who REALLY know how you feel rather than people who just sympatise!! Good luck for the future and feel free to chat as much as you like i find myself on here alot of the time xxx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Mon 04-Feb-13 10:26:30

I have to call the EPAU and go for another blood test today. I really don't think I can go there again.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Mon 04-Feb-13 14:30:14

I am just in pieces today. I drove to the hospital, my mind just kept wondering off, I have no idea how I got there really. I spent the entire day in bed yesterday, and I just want to go back there. I need to work on friday. I have to get it together.sad

TaytoCrisp Mon 04-Feb-13 20:31:15

Oh saggy, sorry to hear is just so tiring and draining.

If at all possible maybe you should get a sick note for the next few days; or see how you feel on Wednesday/Thursday.

I felt so totally drained for two weeks or so, i think you really need to take the time to rest while you are going through this; and i think that taking time out now and resting will help get you through this in the weeks to come, esp. when you have to go back to work etc.. xxx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Mon 04-Feb-13 20:37:06

No point in a sick note, Im self employed and we need the money. In doing as little as possible now in the hope I can get through friday and saturday.

TaytoCrisp Mon 04-Feb-13 21:08:04

Oh dear. Good plan to take it easy as much as possible before then. It is really so hard right now, but if you can rest you will hopefully feel more ready for work on friday and saturday.. though best not to think about it at the moment... maybe realxing bath and bed for now.. xx

SaggyOldClothCatpuss Mon 04-Feb-13 21:52:44

Thanks. X it really helps to vent here. There's so much in my head I can't say to people in RL.

fourbears Mon 04-Feb-13 22:14:25

I had a miscarriage at about 8 weeks. It was discovered at a scan. There was no foetus, it was probably a blighted ovum (hate that phrase) so only a placenta and empty sac. (The doctors thought it was a molar pregnancy from my hormone levels, but it turned out not to be when they looked at the tissue.)

I was unconsolable and felt the world had ended. Everything went literally grey. I got really really drunk, which I never normally do and I found too, it doesn't help. I phoned my MIL hysterical with grief. I even named the baby, I felt she would have been a girl. I think it's because it's the end of something you love with all your heart, pretty much as soon as the pregnancy test changes and then that's gone. Someone said to me at the time, why are you upset? There never was a baby. But that didn't make it any less somehow.

I think what I'm trying to say is don't feel as though you shouldn't grieve so much or feel so bad, given you were 'only' 7 weeks along. It's devastating and I will remember the pain as long as I live. It was nearly 14 years ago and still shedding a tear now. Lots of love to you, op. Give yourself lots of understanding and time.

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