Devastated after second late miscarriage

[TaytoCrisp]

Our beautiful little boy was born at 23 weeks in summer - too small to survive. It was an extremely distressing and sad time; and has been difficult since especially when friends and family announce pregnancies and new babies.

The postmortem showed our little boy was perfectly healthy, but that I have a clotting disorder - factor v Leiden. This is quite common but is associated with placenta abruption in the second semester. Because of this the consultant advised that I take aspirin and heparin injections if I was to get pregnant again.

In October I became pregnant - we were delighted but also very anxious. I started aspirin and heparin and had two scans which showed all was well. Two nights ago I suddenly felt light menstrual cramps while while watching tv; when I went to the bathroom I realised I had started bleeding heavily. I went straight into hospital where I spent a very upsetting and occasionnally very frightening 28 hours. I had never seen so much blood and huge clots in my life; and I found the experience of looking for our tiny baby in the bedpan for over 20 hours very distressing. I had a dreadful experience using the gas and air where I felt like I was trapped and one of the doctors was trying to harm me (she was actually trying to remove the placenta but it was partially still attached to the wall of the uterus so extremely painful). In the end I had a general anaesthetic to remove it...got home yesterday after a day and a half.

The nurse said it looked as if our second little baby was also a boy. I was 14 weeks pregnant. In total I have been pregnant for 37 weeks over the last year with no baby to show for it. The most upsetting thing is the loss of hope.. I know it is still early days but I'm not sure if I could cope with a third late miscarriage . And I will be 40 this year - our little baby was due before my birthday, so although I tried not to think ahead I often thought of what a wonderful birthday it would be when the little one arrived. I can't bear to think of any plans we had now. We have been looking to move house but no longer feel we should as we may not ever need the extra space..

We are fortunate to have a most fabulous little girl, healthy and full of joy. I can't imagine how hard miscarriage and recurrent miscarriage is for people who have not yet had a little one. I am grateful for her and she can help us from despairing too much.

But I feel very sad now, and the loss of hope is hard to come to terms with. Just felt the need to write this down today... Sorry for everyone on this section - I just can't believe I'm back here again too .

[ThreeBeeOneGee]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you again. We had two pregnancies that both ended with the babies dying in utero at 20 weeks, so I can totally sympathise with your pain.

[Irishmammybread]

I haven't experience of late miscarriage tayto ,mine were at 11,6 and12 weeks but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss.
It sounds like you had a horrendous experience at hospital too which must have brought it's own trauma.
Having a little girl already doesn't make you mourn the loss of your other babies any less, but you're right,I found too, it does help to have that to focus on and gives you a reason to move forward.
Look after yourself x

[shakeyjake]

I am so sorry x

[HumphreyCobbler]

I am so sorry. Life is so bloody unfair sometimes. I too have counted up the months I have been pregnant for with no baby The loss of hope describes the feeling so well. The milestones you have looked forward to become so painful.

Be very kind to yourself and hug your little girl close to you.

[TaytoCrisp]

Thank you for your kind thoughts.. and very sorry to read of your sad experiences too. Big hug to all xxx.

[Countmyblessings]

Tay- I'm am so very sorry for the awful and traumatising times you have gone through this! I have had 3 losses but 2 not as late as you and the emotions I have gone through has been hard to deal with and share! MN threads really helped me through some dark days!
I have dc but a loss is still so difficult!
I do hope you get to talk to someone about this in RL and you get full support with your feelings! I had 2 losses in old house moved and felt like this was new start and then had a loss in new home!
But it got easier to cope with and I decided to focus on charity oversea and supported that way made me feel better!
Take care of yourself this is still very fresh and due dates are hard also!
Hope for us when things look dire is hard but the 1st step to healing is holding onto hope as you never know what tomorrow can bring!

[Countmyblessings]

Also sorry for all of the other posters losses!

[TaytoCrisp]

Thank you count. And I'm very sorry to hear of your three losses. You sound like a very resilient person. It is interesting that you mentioned charity work - I think it might be helpful to me to focus on something worthwhile in the future if we decide we can't go down the pregnancy road again.

My levels of hope are quite low at the moment, and I feel nurturing it would not be in my best interest, but I will see what my consultant says in a few weeks and reassess how we feel about everything.

Last night DH said "well if we did conceive and the baby came at 30 weeks it would have a good chance of being ok" - how lucky we were with our beautiful dd who was born after a straightforward pregnancy where loss never entered our minds.. So lucky to have her!

[dontmixthecolours]

I'm so so sorry. Please be kInd to yourself and allow yourself to grieve. I didn't do that after my 4 miscarriages and I'm struggling with it now. You do what feels right for you

Take care

[SophieBirkBirk]

Sorry to hear about the losses of your 2 little boys
Don't give up until you get what you want, I really hope you get a healthy fullterm baby very soon.

I lost my little boy at 23weeks in April, he was perfect. i didnt have a post mortem on him because we new the cause already. Since then had 2 early losses at 7 weeks august and december.

I'm only 18 and when I think about one day having a healthy baby it seems impossible and slim. So I can only imagine how you feel. Good things happen, just some take longer than others. Make sure you stay strong and never give up!

[TaytoCrisp]

Thank you for your thoughtful words Sophie. Im really very sorry to hear that you had two subsequent losses, after losing your little one at 23 weeks- - that must have been so distressing. I feel like the effect of loss is cumulative, and a new loss brings up the feelings of earlier loss. I don't know how i would cope with another loss. I hope you are getting some good advice from medical staff that can help you with future pregnancies.

[TaytoCrisp]

Hi lunatic

So very sorry to hear of your losses - it must have taken a lot of courage to try for your DS. I am inspired by you. Your message has given me a little hope.

I was on 75mg aspirin and 5000 iu of anti Factor xa heparin (Fragmin).

I feel that the second loss was very similar to the first (so worried the thinners didnt work); but i cant be sure until i meet the consultant to discuss the postmortem and blood test results.

Any advice most appreciated.

[TaytoCrisp]

Lunatic - sorry meant to add - yes the thinners were ongoing - started in about week 9 (perhaps should have started sooner), and had planned to continue until i went into labour..

[IdaClair]

I'm so sorry Tayto. I have had two late mcs also. First, and third pregnancies. Second and fourth were successful however and went to term and I now have two DCs. It is hard and horrible and sucks the joy from you especially in pregnancy birth and babyhood, other peoples but also your own. Stick around here there is so much support here for us.

[TaytoCrisp]

Dontmix - very sorry to hear you have had 4 miscarriages - that is truely awful. I really hope you can get some support to help you through this now, even if you didn't earlier.

Ida - sorry also to hear of your dreadful experiences. And a late miscarriage during a first pregnancy must be very difficult to deal with. Your message has given me some hope that we still might have a chance of a good outcome the next time, though i don't know if we will have the strength and courage to try again..

On sick leave this week, and have spent most of the day quiet upset. The sadness is as much to do with the loss of our little boy in July as it is to do with the loss of this second little boy. I guess it is good to have a day to be emotional, i wil be busy the next few days with visitors, then back to work on Monday. It has really hit me today though...

[spiderlight]

So very sorry for all you've been through :(

[ImpatientOne]

So sorry Tayto and to see that you are having a particularly bad day today

Also sorry to see all of the other ladies here too with similar experiences but hope that you can get some support

[TaytoCrisp]

Thank-you very much spider and impatient for your very kind words.

Actually i felt a great lightness after spending a day by myself, even though it was emotionally upsetting, it did allow some processing..

We have three visitors from overseas for the next few days (very bad timing) and it feels so claustraphobic - i wish they weren't here - which is terrible - i feel like such a moaner, but feel like i really need some space. Oh dear, this is getting very self-centred... Im sure i will chill out and refocus in a few days..

Again, so sorry for anyone else who finds themselves on these threads..

[pocketandsweet]

taytocrisp. Just wanted to send some positive feelings your way. I usually hang out the more frivolous areas of Mumsnet since I am done now with pregnancy( and it's associated stress and heartache ). I have two lovely little girls now to tuck into bed each night after 5 miscarriages and one very devastating stillbirth. Reading your message instantly takes me back to those very dark days after my son was stillborn. He was my first child and luckily although many miscarriages I managed to have my girls. I just wanted to offer some hope or send a hug. BTW my second daughter was born when I was nearly 42. For me my main problem was my cervix but I also had heparin and aspirin from 7 weeks pregnant with my second daughter . Thinking of you. Xxx

[TaytoCrisp]

Pocket - thank you so much for your message. It has made me very emotional. I am so sorry to hear of your terrible losses, in particular your first little boy. You must be so strong and resilient. But thank you so much again for your message - you have really given me some hope... i will keep your message in mind for this evening, and try to be more hospitable to my visitors..

[pocketandsweet]

I think when you are in the thick of dealing with these things the idea that you are "strong" would never cross your mind.... These things come only later. You are strong too and your losses are recent. I think I spent most of the year after my son died in limbo . I have no clear memory of what happened. I existed (and when by myself often would just burst into uncontrollable crying). good luck with your visitors. Other people can be very hard work- other people move on and usually have no idea what to say. I found when I did get pregnant after my son that I got very pissed off when everybody around me seemed so happy. I of course only wanted my son back and thought " Don't they realise that I will probably loose this baby too". Anyway, rambling... Lots of deep breaths as your company probably try to avoid the elephant in the room.

[magoosmom]

Have no personal experience of this but want to wish you all the best in the future whatever you decide. You must feel devastated thinking of you x

[TaytoCrisp]

Thanks again Pocket and to Magoosmom too for your very kind thoughts. I am actually very lucky to have a very understanding and supportive DH and fabulous DS, so i dont feel so alone. But i still find it so helpful to come on here for a little bit and chat to others or read of other peoples experiences. Thanks so much lovely ladies. .