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Devastated after second late miscarriage

(36 Posts)
TaytoCrisp Fri 18-Jan-13 09:20:55

Our beautiful little boy was born at 23 weeks in summer - too small to survive. It was an extremely distressing and sad time; and has been difficult since especially when friends and family announce pregnancies and new babies.

The postmortem showed our little boy was perfectly healthy, but that I have a clotting disorder - factor v Leiden. This is quite common but is associated with placenta abruption in the second semester. Because of this the consultant advised that I take aspirin and heparin injections if I was to get pregnant again.

In October I became pregnant - we were delighted but also very anxious. I started aspirin and heparin and had two scans which showed all was well. Two nights ago I suddenly felt light menstrual cramps while while watching tv; when I went to the bathroom I realised I had started bleeding heavily. I went straight into hospital where I spent a very upsetting and occasionnally very frightening 28 hours. I had never seen so much blood and huge clots in my life; and I found the experience of looking for our tiny baby in the bedpan for over 20 hours very distressing. I had a dreadful experience using the gas and air where I felt like I was trapped and one of the doctors was trying to harm me (she was actually trying to remove the placenta but it was partially still attached to the wall of the uterus so extremely painful). In the end I had a general anaesthetic to remove home yesterday after a day and a half.

The nurse said it looked as if our second little baby was also a boy. I was 14 weeks pregnant. In total I have been pregnant for 37 weeks over the last year with no baby to show for it. The most upsetting thing is the loss of hope.. I know it is still early days but I'm not sure if I could cope with a third late miscarriage sad. And I will be 40 this year - our little baby was due before my birthday, so although I tried not to think ahead I often thought of what a wonderful birthday it would be when the little one arrived. I can't bear to think of any plans we had now. We have been looking to move house but no longer feel we should as we may not ever need the extra space..

We are fortunate to have a most fabulous little girl, healthy and full of joy. I can't imagine how hard miscarriage and recurrent miscarriage is for people who have not yet had a little one. I am grateful for her and she can help us from despairing too much.

But I feel very sad now, and the loss of hope is hard to come to terms with. Just felt the need to write this down today... Sorry for everyone on this section - I just can't believe I'm back here again too sad.

TaytoCrisp Sat 26-Jan-13 11:34:55

Thanks again Pocket and to Magoosmom too for your very kind thoughts. I am actually very lucky to have a very understanding and supportive DH and fabulous DS, so i dont feel so alone. But i still find it so helpful to come on here for a little bit and chat to others or read of other peoples experiences. Thanks so much lovely ladies. thanks.

Babyh200 Sun 27-Jan-13 23:33:26

I remember reading after your first baby boy died. I just wanted to say how very, very sorry i am to here your sad news.
Sadly, another of the ladies on the 'rainbow babies thread' also lost her baby over the weekend.
Please do come over we are here to listen and support you through these dark days.
Thinking of you, take care x

Ashoething Tue 29-Jan-13 12:46:35

So sorry to hear that you have lost another wee boy-its awful. I have had 3 early losses and 3 late losses-all boys-at 24,28 and 20 weeks due to cervical incompetence and also a suspected clotting problem. I remember the horrible dark days only too well but I want to tell you not to give up hope as I now have 3 loely dcs.

All the best and feel free to pm me if you want to chat.

pocketandsweet Tue 29-Jan-13 13:12:51

ashoething if I can help pm me. I have cervical incompetence ( and also possible clotting problem).... I have had a regular stitch and also an abdominal one. If I can help at all I would be happy to. I think helping other people in similar trouble is one if the most comforting aspects of coping with the loss of my son (24 weeks)

TaytoCrisp Tue 29-Jan-13 22:42:10

babyh200, thank-you so much for your kind thoughts and words. I hope you are doing ok after the traumatic loss of your beautiful little boy a few months ago... (Big hug). I feel terribly sheepish as I disappeared from the rainbow thread when I got pregnant. I was busy at work, and tired. But also was trying not to think of pregnancy and loss - especially the very sad experiences of the lovely ladies on the rainbow babies thread. But maybe i could just come by and say hello, especially to the poor lady who recently lost another little one..

ashoething - thank you so much for your hopeful message. And my heart goes out to you too with the losses you have experienced. Obviously another very strong and resilient person on here.. I think I need to find out a little more about cervical incompetence and ask my consultant about that. I don't really understand how it is identified etc. Perhaps I can pm you and/or pocket about that. Thanks again pocket - so helpful.

Babyh200 Sat 02-Feb-13 07:17:38

Hi Tayto:
I just thought I would come back over and see how you are doing. How are you? I have been thinking about you and your little angels ((Hugs))
I understand how incredibly tough it must be for you right now.....your incredibly brave.
Please don't feel sheepish about the rainbow thread....its very much an easy come and go type of place and I don't blame you for not wanting to think about pregnancy loss when you were pregnant!!
Maybe one day I will be lucky enough to have a rainbow baby myself and I hope very much that you do too!!

For now, look after yourself xxxxx

TaytoCrisp Sat 02-Feb-13 09:31:44

babyh, you are so kind to think of me this week. The week has actually been ok, though really exhausting. I went back to work on monday which was really hard. Apart from my boss no-one knew I had been pregnant (even though I had just started wearing my maternity clothes, and felt I was big for 14 weeks). Im sure people suspected, but no-one said anything and I felt very isolated. So day 1 ended in tears, but things improved as the week progressed, and I mentioned it to three people - felt that really helped.

I also met a counsellor - a free service provided by trained volunteers, but I found the approach too formulaic and structured, and felt the volunteer was inexperienced and lacked counselling skills (literally, 5 minutes after I had first arrived she asked me "how did it feel" to lose our beautiful little boy at 23 weeks... Which I thought was really inappropriate as I had established no relationship at all with her, and felt she was scribbling dates of the miscarriages down on a tatty page as if she were writing a shopping list..). I'm probably quite irritable and angry at the moment anyway! I am aware it was a free service and the woman was kindly giving up her time to help, but I did feel very uncomfortable with it and think its worth looking for a professionally trained person.

It really is amazing how tired you can feel when dealing with loss (as you, and most people on here know too well). Obviously the rapid physical changes will take their toil but sadness is very draining too. I cancelled some activities this week just to get to bed early, and definitely feel I benefited from that. I Also cancelled an outing with pals "to take my mind off things", but I think it's helpful for me to come on here and try and process things when I have some time at the moment; though next week I will take up offers for the cinema or whatever - lucky to have my pals, and social support is so important. DH has also been great, and looking for a wkd break for us somewhere.. Even though he is sad too, and feels it is unfair. We don't talk about it much, but he is being very caring in his actions which I really appreciate.

So I do feel a good bit better this week than last week. And thank-you again for thinking of me. I am thinking of you too, and really hope you have a little rainbow baby... I will be thinking of you and your little angel today; and will come back and say hello to the rainbow thread ladies..thanks so much for your encouragement.thanks

Babyh200 Tue 05-Feb-13 22:48:24

Hi Tayto,
Grief is so exhausting isn't it! From what you've said you appear to be coping amazingly well. I think it's a good thing to open up to your colleagues so they understand you might not be feeling well (mentally as well as physically) if I've ever been stressed in work I find it very hard to concentrate and end up making mistakes!

Me and my DH have counselling too and I have found it a lifeline. I dont really understand how the referrals work. Can you not get referred to 'Professional' counselling from your GP if the counsellor you met was from a free service? I must admit I would have been offended by what she said too sad After our baby boy died we were referred to counselling within our local children's hospital.....they deal with both babies and children. Our counsellor is a man and he has really helped us to cope and taught us how to handle our grief! (All of the counsellors have also lost a child themselves so they truly understand what your going through) A friend of mine told me to give it a couple of sessions before I made a decision on whether to carry on so maybe if there are no other alternatives it may be worth giving her another chance??

I'm glad you have a good network of friends it's good to keep occupied if you feel up to it. I realise I've cut myself off a bit from my friends (my choice) because I felt like they could never understand how I feel..........but nor would I want them too ever experience such hell!!! Anyway, I did meet up with them last weekend and had a really good time and was glad I went I even had a slight hangover (Shame) smile

Thank you for your kind wishes for a rainbow baby it all seems like an impossible dream at the moment but I am also a very lucky mummy of 2 beautiful living children as well as my little angel and I am trying to cherish every moment with them xxx

Take each day slowly.....I hope your feeling a tiny but better each day xxx

TaytoCrisp Wed 06-Feb-13 00:16:28

Hi babyh, I'm so sorry to hear you are having a tough time at the moment.. I just read your message on the rainbow thread and want to give you a big hug (hug)! I'm afraid I'm an occasional lurker there at the moment as I have mixed feelings about the "conception" section just now. But I was so disappointed for you - it really time for some good news for you.. I hope you can have a good rest tonight, and maybe treat yourself a little tomorrow - you really deserve it.

Thank you for the feedback re:counselling. It sounds like it has been a great benefit to you both. I am meeting two other counsellors over the next fortnight and hope to find someone I can connect with. I have never been to counselling before but as far as I can see it cant do much harm, and will hopefully allow us a space to process things.

I suppose one of the difficulties in my experience is that after the initial conversations and phone calls from those close to you, people move on and/or afraid to ask how things are in case they cause upset.. I am fine with that sometimes, but other times it is a real relief just to chat a little about what has happened.. counselling should be helpful to allow space for that.

I am lucky to have friends around, though my old friends are far away - at least we can chat by phone. Though like you I sometimes prefer to go into to my shell and am lazy about arrangements... I can only try to imagine how difficult it must have been for you to socialise and meet up with people after the traumatic late loss of your little one - it would be impossible for them to understand how you felt, even though im sure they were/are very sympathetic. I too can only imagine the grief of losing a little baby so late on in pregnacy... But I'm so glad you had a good night out last wkd; and even had a hangover :-) - its probably time you had one!

Anyway, just a note to say I'm sending all my positive thoughts in your direction for a little rainbow... Hopefully spring will bring some good news.

Not sure what we will do about our little family in the future; I am very fortunate to have our beautiful little lady who is full of joy - maybe that is just fine for us... We'll see...

literaryone Wed 06-Feb-13 05:25:20

I'm so very sorry for this loss and the previous one, Tayto. Wishing you healing. I don't really know what else to say. I've had one late loss (19 weeks) in my only pregnancy and am still reeling from it. Am glad you have found some sympathy and understanding on Mumsnet and hope you can find a counsellor who works for you. Mine is a huge support.

TaytoCrisp Wed 06-Feb-13 23:53:32

Thank-you literary. Everyone is so kind and understanding on here..

I am terribly sorry to read of the loss of your little one. It must be so hard experiencing this during your first pregnancy..I hope you are ok and that you have good support in addition to the counselling. I also hope you get helpful advise from your consultant / dr. Sending you a big hug (and hope for the future). xxx.

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