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18 weeks since stillborn daughter and pregnant again.I don't think I can do it again

(27 Posts)
coco2303 Mon 17-Dec-12 22:36:23

Hi I had a beautiful daughter 18 weeks ago and have been struggling with the loss. I stupidly didn't take precautions after and am now pregnant again.I was so happy when I was pregnant with my daughter but I'm not getting those feelings now.and I am so so scared.already I have bled heavily 3 times and this is going to sound terrible but if this pregnancy isn't going to go well I would rather it go wrong now before I get too used to the idea and have to go through labour again. My head is all over the place I miss my daughter so so much.at first I couldn't feel anything but when her due date came around and with christmas around the corner I want her so so much. But then feel guilty that I can't get those feelings for this baby.I just don't know anymore.this baby will be due 4 days before my daughter was born and I can't help feeling I won't be able to cope with the grief of my daughter and if this pregnancy goes well I don't know if I can give this baby everything I was ready to give my daughter.and I know I sound terrible I should be so so happy I am pregnant because I have always wanted to be a mommy but with grief and fear combined I don't know what to do!can anyone help?

AnyaKnowIt Mon 17-Dec-12 22:38:06

Oh my love, have no words of advice but wanted to offer a ((hug))

Startail Mon 17-Dec-12 23:08:17

Hugs and talk to your MW.

You need some one to talk to about what happened and your feelings this time.

I'm certain your MW or GP will put you in touch with the right person.

coco2303 Mon 17-Dec-12 23:16:06

Thanks anyaknowit and startail. I have told my midwife how I feel at the moment. And I wouldn't have an abortion and that's all she seemed concerned about to be honest x

Pizdets Tue 18-Dec-12 11:32:39

Hi Coco,

I think it's totally natural not to be able to bond with a pregnancy given what you've been through. I lost a baby girl at 18 weeks 4 months ago and am ttc again but trying not to think about how I'll feel if I do manage to get pregnant again. I think most likely I'll try to ignore it, for the first few weeks at least.

If you look on the 'conception' board there's a thread on there for rainbow babies and some ladies who have been in similar positions. I hope they don't mind me suggesting it as I've never posted on there, but I have looked at the thread from time to time as they seem to be very inspiring women who have come through a lot! Might be worth taking a look?

I hope you can come to terms with it all, and find a way to be happy again. Very tentative congratulations on your pregnancy.

Piz

Treats Tue 18-Dec-12 11:51:42

I feel for you coco - I'm 26 weeks pregnant having lost my son at 6 hours old last year. In my case, my DH and I got straight on with the business of ttc and were pleased when I got pregnant again - although it took six months.

But I panic so much at every appointment that something's gone wrong. I don't want to think too much about the baby because it feels presumptuous to think that he's ever going to arrive. I hate people asking me about it or talking to me about the pregnancy because I don't want the 'pressure' of expectation that there will be a baby at the end of it. I particularly hate it when people ask me if it's my first, or second or third. I just don't know the answer.......

Your midwife should be able to refer you to a mental health midwifery team so that you're supported during the pregnancy. Mine referred me directly to the obstetrician, even though it's a safe pregnancy so that I could have the option of a planned c-section if I felt I needed it (which I do - it was complications during delivery that killed my son.....) Could you ask yours about this?

Have you spoken to Sands? They have a lot of experience in helping women through stillbirth and neo-natal death and I'm sure they have a lot of experience in helping people through subsequent pregnancies.

I'm getting through by focussing on the long-term. This pregnancy is going to be very difficult, as will the early days of having a new baby in the house. And I will spend a lot of time feeling very sad that I don't have my elder son with me. But one day - one day - I will have come to terms with the grief of losing him and be able to feel very pleased and grateful to have my new little boy. It's worth the pain in the short term.

Thinking of you.

coco2303 Tue 18-Dec-12 13:11:32

Pizdets and treats thanks for your advice.and I was 28 weeks with my little girl when your that far gone you expect everything to be ok. It has now been 18 weeks since losing my daughter and I'm 8 weeks pregnant. I thought being pregnant again would solve everything but it hasn't.I do panic I have had 3 scans already and have another on thursday. And treats I'm the same as you I don't want anyone to even know I am pregnant just incase and you do feel 'pressure'. Thankyou for your advice and I hope everything goes well for you guys xx

amyboo Tue 18-Dec-12 13:15:19

Hi coco. I'm in exactly the same situation, although I was actively trying to get pregnant again. I lost my DS2 when I was 36 weeks pregnant. He was born on 22 April, and I got pregnant again 3 months later. Ironically, not only am I now having another boy, but my due date is 22 April 2013, so it will be exactly 1 year since I lost DS2. It has been a fraught pregnancy so far. The doctor couldn't see the nasal bone at the 12 week scan, and the nuchal fold measurement was a little high. So, I was scheduled for an amnio at 16 weeks. 2 days before my amnio, I was rushed to hospital when I had massive bleeding. I spent a week in hospital with a suspected placental abruption, which has now been changed to a diagnosis of subchorionic haematoma. Thankfully since then everything has been fine with the pregnancy and the baby.

I don't think the worry goes away - I find I worry about movement constantly and often spend hours worrying about whether everything will be OK. But, what I'm really finding hardest is all the people having babies around me. I already have a DS, so in many peoples' eyes that plus my new pregnancy makes everything OK. I find it very hard putting on a smile everytime a new baby is born or a friend shares a sotry about her small son/daughter. All I want is to have my baby boy back and it feels like the world should stop until I do.

So, all I can say is that what you're feeling seems completely normal. The worry is horrible and upsetting and the sense of loss is immense. But, hopefully us strong ladies can make it through and one day get to hold our bundles of joy at last x

coco2303 Tue 18-Dec-12 13:28:03

Amyboo thanks for your message.in this pregnancy I have had 3 heavy bleeds.the first one they thought I was miscarrying and I was so so upset then because when I found out I was pregnant I was happy. Since then they took my hormone level and it kept increasing so they couldn't confirm a miscarriage. 2 more heavy bleeds later and 3 scans later there has been a heartbeat. However I have had 3 previous miscarriages and my daughter who was stillborn.I never bled while pregnant with her so I think the panic makes me say I can't do this because everytime I bleed I think the worst and when there is a heartbeat I just think if this isn't going to work please do it before I get too far gone.I don't know and I do worry about the due date being so close.was that something thay worries you?how do you cope with the loss of your little boy?can you feel happy about this pregnancy or is it more fear you feel?

Nuttyprofessor Tue 18-Dec-12 13:37:09

I was in the same position as you, it is completely normal to feel as you do. I considered having a termination as I was so frightened, in the end I decided it was illogical to ensure my baby died because I feared it would.

I wish I could say it got easier but I was petrified throughout my pregnancy. I can say though that after 10 MCs and one stillbirth I have a wonderful son who has brought me nothing but joy for the last 12 years.

Good luck to you.

amyboo Tue 18-Dec-12 13:44:24

I had a mmc at 13 weeks before DS1 with no bleeding whatsoever. So, to be honest I was worrying pretty constantly anyway in the early stages of this pregnancy. I had a scan at what I thought was 6+5, turned out my dates were out and I was more like 5+2, so there was no heartbeat, barely even a dot of an embryo. I had to wait 2 weeks for another scan, which showed a baby with a heartbeat, and from then to 14 weeks I had a scan every 2 weeks. The bleeding at 16 weeks was so heavy and I was cramping, so was convinced I was miscarrying, but everything was thankfully OK with the baby. So, I guess I've had a pretty constant feeling of panic and worry since I did the pg test! Like you I just kept thinking, if this is going to go wrong, please just let it happen now.

At the moment to be honest I'm not really thinking about the due date too much. It seems so cruel that it's the exact same date. But, what with the subchorionic haematoma, and the fact that my placenta is currently very low, I'm not sure I'll make it the full 40 weeks, or at least that's kind of what I'm hoping. I'm literally just trying to take each week at a time at the moment, as it seems like the only way to cope. I can't plan my maternity leave, I can't think about my DS3 being born, can't bring myself to decorate the room or anything, as I don't want my heart to be broken again. One of the worst things is trying to explain it all to DS1 (2.8). He thinks he's going to meet DS2, and really doesn't understand it all at the moment.

I feel happy about this pregnancy in that I feel happy I conceived again, happy that I'm on the path to having a baby again. But, I'm terrified of it all going wrong again, so in a way I don't really "believe" in this pregnancy if that makes sense. And as for coping with the loss of DS2, I'm not sure I have/do. I just try and slowly move forward in the hope that it might make the pain more bearable.

coco2303 Tue 18-Dec-12 13:57:30

Nuttyproffessor and amyboo. OMG that is exactly how I feel you guys have helped although there is no real answers for it just knowing that what I'm thinking isn't terrible and is 'normal' as much as normal can be at the moment.nuttyprofessor it makes me smile that you have a child since all of your heartache as this is my 5th pregnancy and I have no children. I am 22 years old and although a miscarriage is difficult if I lost this baby later on I really don't think I could risk the hurt again. And amyboo I don't even want to start showing with this pregnancy as I want noone to know until hopefully they are in my arms and it is because you don't want to set yourself up for a fall again.where abouts do you guys live?do you have facebook?

barbiecollector Tue 18-Dec-12 14:05:58

The bleeding... you don't have a sub-chorionic hematoma, do you? I had this in my last pregnancy. I can totally relate to the anxiety. I lost my first DD to cot death and was terrified in this last pregnancy. I convinced myself that this baby would be stillborn. It got so bad that I was induced 4 weeks early. That was a very bad decision, because the delivery did not go well and I nearly died myself!

Things are fine now, though. And they are most likely going to be for you. By the way, did you find out why your daughter was stillborn? I am just wondering if there is something you can do differently this time, or if it was just one of those things.

coco2303 Tue 18-Dec-12 14:27:29

Barbiecollector noone has said I have sub-chorionic hematoma and sorry to hear of your loss sad.and with my daughter they said there was a bloodflow problem and the blood reversed. I have been advised not to go back to work with this pregnancy as I am a hairdresser and with a bloodflow problem shouldn't be standing for long periods of time.that creates financial problems but I would rather be poor than go back to work and not have a baby at the end of it. What is sub-chorionic hematoma? I bleed heavy every 2 weeks and am not feeling 'pregnant' like I did with my daughter eventhough scans have confirmed that despite bleeding there is still a heartbeat

Treats Tue 18-Dec-12 22:34:22

coco and amy - just coming back to say that I'm so sorry you're having difficult and worrying pregnancies after all your heartache. I hope you continue to get the support you need.

coco - completely relate to what you're saying about not wanting to show (I definitely find it more stressful now that I have a bump) and I had the same feeling in early pregnancy of "If I'm going to lose this baby, let it be now rather than at the end". Please don't worry - I think all those feelings are completely normal and have nothing whatever to do with how much you will love your baby when s/he eventually arrives.

coco2303 Wed 19-Dec-12 01:36:34

Thankyou treats and everyone else who has responded. Although I wish all our pregnancies went well it is comforting to know I am not alone.I have a scan on thursday so will see what that shows.this pregnancy is very different than with m daughter although I lost her I panic because I don't feel the same and with bleeding heavily every 2 weeks not only does it panic me it also drains me physically.with my emotions all over the place aswell the added hormones and 'pressure' aren't helping.when people say 'don't stress' or 'stop being negative' it angers me as they haven't been through the same things I have.and yes I want to be a mommy so much but I'm not sure if I am in the right mental state to be dealing with it all.thankyou for all your help hopefully one day everything will seem right x

sleeplessinsuburbia Wed 19-Dec-12 02:15:38

Hi coco, I'm unfortunately in the same position as you, with a very similar history and now 16 weeks although we were trying to conceive again.

I also had major bleeds and although I'm thrilled to have another baby my thoughts don't go past the present and I doubt I will shop for the baby or be "excited" until the baby is safe in my arms.

I saw a thread about someone wanting a daughter and all I could think was it would be such a luxury to be able to care about something as trivial as gender preference.

coco2303 Wed 19-Dec-12 04:02:42

Sleepless sorry to hear that you have been through the same thing sad.what did they say the bleeding was that you had?and no you can't gey excited when you have just been let down before.I do hope everything goes well for you.and I also wish all I had to worry about was the gender. Either way I would be happy girl or boy!

sleeplessinsuburbia Wed 19-Dec-12 05:45:30

They had no idea about the bleeds and the dr looked completely nonplussed (which I found odd as I'm in the high risk specialist care centre).
I probably lost at least a cup of blood each time and had clots bigger and thicker than my palm.
I think one dr said it could have been old blood still healing from the stillbirth when I had to have my placenta removed manually.
I wish I could make you feel better, I think you've done the right thing about work, try to rest heaps.

literaryone Wed 19-Dec-12 06:31:49

Hi coco, very tentative congratulations on your pregnancy. It is absolutely natural to feel fear and anxiety about the new pregnancy, I'd think. I had a late miscarriage -- lost our little boy at 19 weeks -- and know that though I do want to try again most of the time, I'm terrified of losing another baby, especially at the same stage. So another pregnancy will be very, very fraught.

I don't really know what advice to give, but please know that we are all here if you want to talk and we are wishing you well. Everything you are feeling is natural and not something you are alone in, really. xox

Bakingtins Wed 19-Dec-12 10:14:25

Hi Coco. I've had 2 first trimester losses so not the same, but can completely relate to the negative feelings about a pregnancy, even if you were TTC. I've had one successful pregnancy since my first MC and worried all the way through. It didn't help that I had a lot of bleeding (from a subchorionic haematoma) so the whole thing was stressful. When I got pregnant last time I felt a lot more "oh c**p" rather than happy, even though we'd been trying for ages, and I did go on to miscarry again. Emotionally disconnecting from the pregnancy and not thinking too much about the baby is just a way of protecting yourself from possible future grief. I don't think you can get that innocence that BFP= a baby at the end of it back. There are lots of people going through similar though, find a support thread where people will understand your anxiety and the mixed feelings that being pregnant after loss brings.
Good luck.

ErikNorseman Wed 19-Dec-12 10:26:28

You poor darling
I'm sorry to say that your pregnancy probably won't be easy. The fear will be there all the way. But the good news is that once your baby is born healthy and beautiful you will love him/her just as much as you love your daughter. The fear of loss can make us cut off from feeling and you may do that to protect yourself but there is no reason why you will experience this tragedy again. Best of luck xxxx

coco2303 Wed 19-Dec-12 16:02:08

I everyone thankyou for your help and advice you are all very kind and I really appreciate you taking the time out to respond.and SLEEPLESS the doctors are the same with me about my bleeding eventhough when I do bleed I get through 2 pads an hour so it isn't a little dribble.I am also the same as you in the very high risk category.everytime I have gone to A&E they have booked me in for a scan but noone seems to be able to answer why I'm bleeding and where its coming from.just hear that some women bleed through pregnancy which I know already.however the only time I have bled while pregnant is when I have lost a baby.I dunno xx

sleeplessinsuburbia Thu 20-Dec-12 13:30:11

Yep everything you say resonates with me. I'm hoping my previous experiences aren't clouding my judgement I even have a Doppler which one would assume would give peace of mind but not at all!
I did have one successful pregnancy with bleeding, have lost many though that have also bled. I think I expect more encouragement in a high risk centre??

coco2303 Thu 20-Dec-12 20:15:35

Sorry for late reply sleepless and I don't think anything will sop the worry to be honest I think it is normal.how have the high risk centre treated you?mine didn't book me for scans bit when I go to A&E all panicky they do.

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