So it has been about 3 months since I last came to this section of the forum after finding out I had a mmc. I was convinced I was misdiagnosed, probably just because "I never thought it'd happen to me" and bleeding and some big clots later, I had a second scan and then agreed to an erpc, which went fine and was a relief at the end of a horrible fortnight.
At first, I felt okay, I settled on improving my health and mental wellbeing before trying again. I started a diet and exercise routine, I re-arranged the entire house for a fresh start. I even felt like it was a sign that I wasn't ready, that I should appreciate what I already have (amazing dd).
But as time has past I've become increasingly more unstable. I didn't see it happening, but now I see I'm a mess. I'm absolutely CONVINCED I'm still pregnant, despite the surgery. I take at least three (negative) tests a week. I check my belly with a doppler and convince myself I can hear something behind the static. I used to check about once a week. This week has spiralled though and I've probably spent at least 6 hours poking around my belly with the doppler... My insides hurt where I've pressed them too hard.
My "symptoms" are the occasional feeling of nausea, extreme fatigue, little rumbles in my belly that I convince myself are kicks, and most recently, my belly has firmed up. I was already overweight with a huge belly but since my miscarriage I lost almost 2 stone and yet my stomach is bigger, rounder, firmer. I'm not imagining that, at least, dp confirmed I "feel pregnant, like I felt with dd." I also haven't had a period since, only the odd day of spotting here and there, usually after sex.
He kept telling me to stop torturing myself and I said, I'm not torturing myself! Have you seen me cry or get upset about it? It's been on my mind butnot upsetting me. I would take a test, use the doppler, shrug and move on, temporarily satisfied that I'm not pregnant.
Until a few days later something confuses me andI'm back like a fool repeating the same actions expecting different results.
I don't necessarily even want to be pregnant, after the miscarriage I decided to get a place at uni and I'm loving it. Of course if I was pregnant, I would be over the moon. But I'm not desperate to be pregnant, or I would be ttc.
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Please can you tell me I'm not crazy :(
20 replies
babylann · 22/11/2012 16:38
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