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This is the last time.....

(4 Posts)
redbunnyfruitcake Fri 16-Nov-12 20:59:06

I have had 7 pregnancies beginning when I was 16 and the most recent one ending today in another miscarriage. I have one beautiful 3 year old DD and I love her to bits but I have finally decided that I do not want to try again. I have had 3 miscarriages, including this one since she was born and each time I have tried to chivvy myself along and try again but each time I have come to dread the prospect of another child more and more.

I am not a natural mother and had PND with DD, having moved house and city just before her birth leaving myself lonely and vulnerable. She was not a good sleeper and only started sleeping through aged 2 years old so it felt like a long old road. As a result I don't have good memories of her babyhood and have dreaded doing it again. I have enjoyed her being a toddler far more and at least I get some sleep now.

However, I found myself trying again because I couldn't imagine not having another. Many of my friends went on to have their 2nd soon after their first with no problems whereas I have been through loss after loss, one even resulting in a hospital stay. I suppose what I am saying is it's time to get really honest and admit that I'm not willing to put myself or my little family through this time and time again for something I am not sure I really want but am too frightened to let go of. Does that make sense? I may seem crazy but I have found little about fertility, pregnancy or motherhood particularly rational so this fits in well.

Has anyone else felt like this?

amazingmumof6 Fri 16-Nov-12 22:58:47

I'm so sorry to learn of your losses, though congrats on DD!

if you long for another child it doesn't matter how many you've had or lost!

it does make "sense" that you are not being able to decide whether to try again or not!

no to rub it in,but we have 6 and I really want more!
we are constantly exhausted, house is a tip and it's expensive and DH had enough, but I just can't say I'm done.
If I think of getting rid of baby clothes and cot and toys and maternity clothes and nursing bras etc just the thought of it makes me feel ill! even as I'm writing this, I feel a crunch in my stomach and a kind of panic. And everyone is always asking if we are finished now...aaarrrggh
(I had MC after 4th and it took me 8 months after that to have the courage to try again)

My SIL has 9 kids, but had 4 MCs, including a vanishing twin situation. she can't decide either whether to carry on and go for more!

So you are totally normal to hesitate to make a decision either way, especially that you've had so many babies who didn't make it!

I understand you'd like to call it a day, especially with your history of PND.
Although it is easier to deal with a baby 2nd time round as you know what you are doing!

I also know lots of people who could have had more kids easily, but decided not to and regretted that decision!
that feeling of "right, I'm done/complete/finished" happens at different times, if at all and so far I'm puzzled by it.
I thought DD was going to be last.
I said that when I was barely pregnant and while in labour. she very well maybe the last and although she's 7 months I can't even decide to stop bf coz what if never happens again? I know I want more and it would probably be ok, yet I just don't know what to do!
I don't know if I can go another 9 months being sick, exhausted and worrying about the birth, giving birth and then spend another 6 months practically pinned to the sofa bf and get nothing done.
and look after existing brood and DH and so on...

I know we have very different circumstances, and sorry if anything I said was hurtful or insensitive, all I wanted to say is that I think I get what you aer saying!

does that help? smile

messtins Sun 18-Nov-12 16:36:46

Redbunny I'm sorry you have been, and are going, through so much heartache. I have 2 children and have had 2 MC. I'm going to have one last shot at no 3, if it ends in MC again that's it for me. I totally get what you are saying about there being a limit to what you can take, especially if you had mixed feelings about another baby anyway. All I'd say is that in the middle of the turmoil is not a good place to make important decisions. Give yourself permission to feel differently in a few months. Take it gently, you need time to process the loss before you can move on.

lotsofcheese Sun 18-Nov-12 20:20:16

I understand completely. I'm 14 weeks pregnant with my last chance saloon baby. It will be my last pregnancy, no matter what the outcome.

DS1 was born veep prematurely due to me having PE - we both nearly died & he spent 3 months in NICU.

After a lot of soul-searching, we decided to ttc no 2, which resulted in m/c at 7 weeks & was subsequently diagnosed as a molar pregnancy.

I was pregnant earlier this year, had a good scan at 8+5 & advised the chances of things going wrong were minimal. I was one of the unlucky 5% who have a m/c after a heartbeat. It was a mmc too at 11.5 weeks.

In these last 2 pregnancies, I knew if they failed I would try again. This time, it just feels different & I know I cannot put myself through it again. I've had too much & I need to move on with my life in some way.

If this pregnancy is successful, I will get sterilised after, to ensure I never get pregnant again.

Don't feel bad, OP. You've been through enough. Sometimes making the decision is a relief.

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