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Missed miscarriage told at 12 wk scan :-(

(12 Posts)
Nikki22 Thu 11-Oct-12 14:08:25

I had a missed miscarriage two weeks ago, I went to my 12 weeks scan and got told they couldn't find my baby heart beat, they told me my baby died at 8 weeks 4 days i couldn't believe this was happening to me, i began to cry! I just felt so numb and thought why me? Why is this happening to me, I had my baby recovered a few days later by having a d and c, didn't really sink in till then that I wasn't pregnant anymore, me and partner had been trying for 8 months and for it then too be taken away from us was very frustrating. Ever since finding out my baby died I have been having a lot of lazy days, where I stay in my pjs all day, not really going out and keep having good and bad days, just wanted advice on when does it easier and is anyone experiencing the same thank you x x

Wheresthatcorner Thu 11-Oct-12 16:41:26

Almost exactly the same thing happened to me 4 years ago this month. 12 week scan told it was only 8 weeks with no h/b. Of course it gets easier. You are only 2 weeks on from this traumatic event that also emotionally held so many hopes for the future. At 12 weeks when you're not expecting bad news, to be told there's no heartbeat is the worst thing. I remember it so well. You've already accepted the baby is coming and now you're not pregnant. It's a terrible thing.
I was able to be philosophical quite soon after the d&c and was able to accept that it wasn't to be. This is a very personal thing, though and you need to grieve your loss. My DH and I started trying again 2 months later and now have a gorgeous little 3 year old who wouldn't be here if I hadn't had that miscarriage.
I hope you are able to find some peace, move on and make a new future. Life is never what you plan it to be, but then it's pretty humbling to know you can't control it all. My thoughts are with you. Give yourself time and good luck for the future xxxx

messtins Thu 11-Oct-12 17:26:17

Hi Nikki I'm so sorry you've lost your baby. I had a MMC at 10 weeks in 2009 and a MC 5 weeks ago at 8 weeks, so I can see it both from the perspective of having been through it a while ago and saying it does get easier and from it all being fairly fresh and raw this time round. I think I've handled it better this time having learnt from the first one. Everyone handles it differently, if you need duvet days at the moment then have them. I have found it extremely helpful to mark the passing of each baby in some way - it's very hard when there are none of the rituals you'd have if a relative died that help everyone to work their way through the grieving process. Write an entry for the hospital book of rememberance, plant a tree, light a candle, release a balloon - doesn't matter what you choose, but do something meaningful to you to release some of the hurt. It's also been very helpful to have a forum like this, you'll soon realise however you are feeling there is someone else who feels or has felt the same. Sadly there are so many people who have been through this, so there is a lot of support out there when you need it.
Take it one day at a time and just deal with however you feel each day. It will get better.

Nikki22 Fri 12-Oct-12 11:45:01

Hello wheresthatcorner, sorry to hear about your loss too and thank you for the reply I am grateful for you getting back to me, I agree with what you say it will take time, I just wish it didn't happen :-( i know it will get easy it's just like how long is a piece of string! Just taking each day as it comes, thanks or your kind words and support take care and thanks again xx

Nikki22 Fri 12-Oct-12 11:54:38

Hello messtins thank you for your reply, I am sorry to hear about your lose :-( we have decided when me and partner feel up too it, we r gonna release a balloon as a sign of goodbye but it will be always in are thoughts! Thank you for your ideas very grateful, I am going to carry on with my duvet day, I am starting to feel more positive each day, thanks for words and support xx

Geekster Fri 12-Oct-12 13:39:20

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage Nikki. Like the other posts said it is a very personal thing as to how long it takes for it to feel less intense. All I can say is it does get better, you won't feel low forever. It's normal to have good and bad days. Even when you feel you have got over it the odd thing can trigger the feelings again. You need to be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. Everyone is different there is no right or wrong way to feel. I had six miscarriages before I had my daughter in March, so it can happen. I think if we never felt able to cope after miscarriage we would never be able to face being pregnant again. It's still very raw for you won't suddenly wake up one morning and feel better it takes a while but I promise you will feel better in time.

Take care of yourself and I wish you the best of luck for the future. Xx

LittleWhiteWolf Fri 12-Oct-12 13:42:15

I had an mmc 18 months ago. I ended up having my surgery on the Royal Wedding, which at least meant that I got 4 hours free viewing on the TV to watch it which took my mind off it. I had had suspicions that something wasn't right in the pregnancy and like you my baby had stopped growing around 8 weeks. It was horrible. We'd lost a baby very early on only 3 months before that and this was even worse. I coped brilliantly until the day after the ERPC when I, like you, just wanted to stay in bed all the time. I couldn't as I had then almost 2 year old DD to look after, but obviously she really helped me to feel happy again.
I got pregnant again after my ERPC and that pregnancy became my now 6 month old son.

At the time it seems never ending, but the pain does fade until you feel able to live with it. You carry it with you and still get sad (at least I do) but it doesn't stop you from being able to be happy anymore. Just take your time with it and that will come. Talk to your OH about it, too. DH and became closer after both mcs because we were both open about how sad we were and how we were feeling etc.

I'm very sorry you lost your baby and good luck with further attempts at TTCing.

Nikki22 Fri 12-Oct-12 19:26:09

Hello geekster, Thank you for your reply, I am so sorry for all your loses sad I feel for you, congrats on been a mummy! It just seems to be one thing after another for me since finding out, I have now got a womb infection sad so still feeling ill, had 2 good days with not a lot of crying but I am just trying to take each day as it comes, no day is the same, I know it's going to take time and it will get easy in time! Thank you for your support, take care xx

detoxdiva Fri 12-Oct-12 19:48:20

Nikki...sorry to hear about your loss. The same thing happened to me 4 years ago at my 12 week scan. The sonographer turned to me and asked how many weeks I thought I was and I knew straight away there was something wrong.

Take time to cry and talk about it with your partner. I took a week off work as I ended up having a natural mc whilst waiting for my ERPC and it took quite a few days for the cramps and heavy bleeding to stop. However I wanted to get back to normality as soon as possible afterwards - everyone's different but sitting at home thinking about it just wasn't how I wanted to deal with it.

We started ttc soon afterwards and I conceived 2 months later - ds has just turned 3 smile

Be kind to yourself - the pain and hurt will pass in time, but rest and get yourself back up to speed at your own pace. You will always think about the baby you lost - I have a little moment to myself on the due date each year to remember. Good luck

Nikki22 Fri 12-Oct-12 20:21:43

Hello * littlewhitewolf*, thank you so much for your reply, at the moment it does seem like never ending sad I know it will take time, it's something I will never forget and will always be I thoughts! Especially after trying for so long :-( my husband has said something but hasn't said a lot, but in time when it's easier I am sure he will open up when it's less painful, we have decided that when its less painful for us both we r going to send a balloon off as a sign of goodbye but will always be in are thought! Thank you for your words and support very grateful :-) xx

Nikki22 Fri 12-Oct-12 20:29:55

Hello detoxdiva thanks for your reply, that's what happened to me they said how far are you? I was like 12wks why, is there something wrong, it took 3 people to check and then to tell me my baby had died :-( it was awful, I have had 2 wks off so far, have another sick note for another 2 wks, I am finding it hard to go back to work as I work with children and babies and just dont feel ready yet, I know it's gonna take time, thanks for your support and take care smile

StrawbsAndCream Wed 17-Oct-12 18:18:13

Nikki I could have written your post, I had a mmc in sept, had a scan at 12+4 to be told no heartbeat and baby had stopped growing at 8+4. I also work with babies and young children in a nursery, I know how hard it is, I'm still struggling and have got quite bad anxiety atm. I had 2 weeks off and it probably wasn't enough. Hope you are doing ok xxx

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