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Please help - facing 2nd termination for medical reasons

(31 Posts)
ladystardust123 Fri 05-Oct-12 08:34:19

I can't quite believe I'm writing this. On January 18th this year, I lost my ds at 24 weeks pregnant. We had had bad news at our scan just after 20 weeks. At first the doctors thought it was a chromosomal disorder like Edwards or Pataus syndrome, but the main problem was that his head was far too small. It measured 16 weeks when the rest of him measured correctly at 24 weeks. This was my first pregnancy.

I got through the delivery and the hard, hard months that followed. My sil and one of my best friends had beautiful babies in the weeks around my due date. I started to feel better about six months later. It's such a cliche but true that time is a healer.

The doctors had told us that they didn't know what was wrong with ds (he had all his genes tested) but that it looked like dh and I were autosomal recessive carriers of a wrong gene and that any future pregnancies carried a 1 in 4 risk of the same thing happening.

On July 9th this year I got my second bfp. Dh and I were pleased but very anxious. In theory we had a 3 in 4 chance of this pregnancy being ok so although we were realistic, (and I guess somehow preparing for the worst), the few close friends and family we told were much more optimistic. Our scan at 10+5 went well and the baby measured correctly and this allowed us to get our hopes up a bit (with ds he had measured a week behind in the very first scan).

We then had a scan at 14 weeks, two weeks ago. This time the baby measured fine apart from the head which was a week behind. It was like a horrible dejavu nightmare - the same scanning room, the same wait to get a consultant, the same ushering into the bad news room. We were told that it wasn't looking good but we had to wait a further two weeks for confirmation.

And that was yesterday. I'm 16 weeks pregnant today. Our scan yesterday showed that this baby has exactly the same problems as ds. His head has only grown 2 days in the 2 weeks. Like ds, this baby has no chance of life - its brain is simply far, far too small. I have to go back to hospital today and take pills and then go in on Sunday for delivery - I'm too far gone for a medical abortion.

I feel numb. I can't believe that within 10 months I will have given birth to two dead babies. It sounds so horrible even writing or thinking that. My babies. My desperately wanted babies. Dh and I have a strong relationship and I love him to pieces. We both are so keen and so ready for children and he would make such a good dad.

I'm sorry for writing such a huge essay. It kind of helps to write it all down. I think I remember reading a similar thread quite a while ago. I guess I'm reaching out and asking if anyone else has been through this too. How do you get through it? I feel so very tired at the thought of having to go through the months of sadness afterwards. I hated feeling angry and sad last time and I'm dreading feeling the same way again. We have lots of friends who are currently pg and I just feel like I can't deal with it all again.

Also, has anyone had a tfmr at 16 weeks? I imagine in some ways it won't be as traumatic as the one at 24 weeks but I'm still scared. Last time we held ds, took photos and spent time with him. He was small but still very much a baby. I'm worried that this baby (the doctors think but aren't sure that it's another boy) will be much more fetus-like and I don't know how I'll feel. At least in my previous pregnancy there was lots of happiness before our terrible scan. With this pregnancy, it's been so different.

Thank you for reading.

weegiemum Fri 05-Oct-12 08:37:30

I have no experience of this at all but couldn't not post. Sending you gentle thoughts and an un-mumsnetty (hug).

SJ47 Fri 05-Oct-12 08:38:59

I'm afraid I can't offer any advice but just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are facing this again. Sending unmumsnetty hugs and hope someone will be along soon who can offer advice. Take care

ladystardust123 Fri 05-Oct-12 08:41:46

Thank you. I feel so numb but your kind words have made me cry.

50smellsofshite Fri 05-Oct-12 08:51:14

I'm so, so sorry this has happened to you. It is so unfair.

A friend of mine lost two consecutive babies to chromosomal disorders.
In fact she had a miscarriage at around 11 weeks, then a medical termination at 17 weeks for Edwards syndrome. Then she had a full-term pregnancy followed by a neo-natal death 6 hours after birth. That beautiful baby also had a chromosomal disorder but she has never told me which one and I have never asked.

She had genetic counselling and it was shown to be 'chance' sad.

She has since had three beautiful healthy babies. A girl and two boys.

There has never been an explanation for it, it was just bad luck. Life is shitty sometimes. Her (living) children are beautiful and an absolute blessing.

I wish you courage in the coming days and faith that you WILL get to take home a healthy baby soon X

happierhigherstrongerwheezing Fri 05-Oct-12 08:58:44

I was going to echo what 50 said.

My friend just had a baby after two miscarriages due to chromosomal disorders.

Life is shitty and not fair.

I'm very jealous of her as she has a beautiful little girl now( I have 2 boys) .

I wish you lots of love and hugs in the coming days.

I'm sorry I don't have the words just my love and thoughts.

FelicityElectricity Fri 05-Oct-12 09:01:04

So sorry to hear what you're going through. A friend of mine experienced this with her first child but has gone on to have two healthy children.

Thelobsterswife Fri 05-Oct-12 09:01:48

I have no advice for you as this is not something I have experience of, but my heart goes out to you. You poor thing and your poor DH. Hope the birth of your second baby goes as well as can be expected. 50 - so sorry to hear about your friend. What a tough time she has had. Life is so unfair sometimes.

ArthurShappey Fri 05-Oct-12 09:02:18

I have no experience of this but read your post and had to say that I am so sorry. Very unMNty hugs for you and your DH.

MurderOfProse Fri 05-Oct-12 10:52:20

No personal experience of losses that late, but when my DS screened positive at 13 weeks for T21, we decided to wait it out and I spent a LOT of time on various forums related to the subject. You're really not alone with your devastating experiences sad

If you're not already there, the antenatal choices board here on Mumsnet is very good. There's also some really supportive and kind boards (TFMR-related) over on Babycenter, there's a lot more traffic there with families who have gone through similar but it's more US-centric obviously.

Would you be able to get IVF with PGD in the future do you think, to avoid this happening again? Nobody should have to deal with this when modern technology makes it preventable.

Not even remotely comparable to what you're going through, but I've had two mid to late first trimester losses and I found emotionally the recovery was a lot easier the second time round as I knew what to expect in most ways. But everybody is different - it's quite possible it may bring back the memories of your first loss again too.

I am so, so sorry you are facing this again, I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling and my heart goes out to you both. Big hugs.

ladystardust123 Fri 05-Oct-12 17:36:33

Thank you all for your comments and support. I really appreciate them.

50 - It is good to hear stories of people who have gone on to have healthy children. It just seems so far away for us at the moment.

Murder - Thanks for your advice. I've had a look at babycenter before and found it really useful in preparing for the birth first time around. I think I may find this loss slightly easier to deal with in that we don't have the same shock to get over. I know what to expect physically too. Unfortunately, we can't have PGD - the geneticists don't know which gene is faulty and all chromosomes with ds were fine. Without knowing what to look for, we have to wait until 14-16 weeks for scanning. We knew this would be the case with this pregnancy. It's just tough because it means I have to go through delivery as well as feeling/starting to look pregnant.

We went to the hospital today and I've taken the pills to start the whole process. It's just like the last time - I've stocked up on maternity pads, painkillers and lots and lots of wine.

I had a weird thought today. I have been pregnant for 40 weeks now (24+16)but no baby.

Now I just have to wait till Sunday morning when we'll go in to hospital and I'll deliver this baby.

messtins Fri 05-Oct-12 20:00:31

I have no experience of 2nd trimester loss but just wanted to join the others in saying I'm so sorry you have been through this twice. Will be thinking of you over the next few days.

teaandchocolate Sat 06-Oct-12 09:18:48

Just wanted to join everyone else in saying how sorry I am that this has happened to you. Life is just so unfair. I'm here to hold your hand whenever you need it. I have no experience of 2nd trimester losses either (have had 3 early losses one of which tested positive for a chromosomal disorder). You are so brave and I will be thinking about you. There are always amazing people on here if you ever need to talk/rant/cry. Sending you more hugs x

SanctuaryMoon Sat 06-Oct-12 09:42:51

I have no experience of loss but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry you are going through this again. I am thinking of you.

topsmart Sat 06-Oct-12 09:51:58

Oh you poor poor thing, that's such rotten awful luck.
There's nothing in the world like having a bad scan result after trying to remain calm and positive and cling to hope. I've been there and it's utterly shit.

Try to be kind to yourself and cry and talk when you want to; don't feel bad if you want avoid other people or their DC.

Since having DD 5 years ago I've had 4 MCs, none as far along as you and no explanation, genetic or otherwise (had all the tests).
But after a tense year, we've just had a beautiful baby girl - never thought we'd manage to carry another to term. I don't know if this helps or not but I wanted to let you know it can turn out ok in the end.
Am also sending you unmumsnetty hugs and chocolate.

ladystardust123 Sat 06-Oct-12 19:50:22

Thanks again for your kind words. I'm so sorry to hear of everyone's losses. It's just shit that so many of us have been through such painful times.
It is comforting to hear of people, like you topsmart, who have finally had successful pregnancies after tough times.

I'm going in to hospital tomorrow morning and just want the delivery to be over quickly. Then we can start to move forward.

whatinthewhatnow Sat 06-Oct-12 20:11:57

Hi lady, sending you lots and lots of love and I'll be thinking of you tomorrow morning.

whiteandyelloworchid Sat 06-Oct-12 23:17:47

hi lady i am so so sorry this has happneed to you again.
just wanted to say iwill be htinking of you tomorrow and i hope the birth goes as well as it can do
my heart really goes out to you.

Asmywhimsytakesme Sat 06-Oct-12 23:26:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Toothiepeg Sat 06-Oct-12 23:33:32

I'm so sorry to read your thread and will be thinking of you tomorrow.

TodaysAGoodDay Sun 07-Oct-12 00:10:23

I'll be thinking of you later today. I'm so sorry you're going through this. xx

ladystardust123 Tue 09-Oct-12 11:32:49

Thanks again for your messages of support.

I'm back at home now. We went to hospital on Sunday morning and I delivered our baby at 3pm so mercifully it was over quickly. Physically, I'm recovering ok - it seems better than last time because I wasn't so far gone.

Dh and I spent time with our baby afterwards. We'd brought a hanky from dh's grandfather to wrap the baby in and had brought a tiny toy (that looked huge in comparison) to stay with the baby. I'm finding it quite tough that the doctors can't confirm the gender. They think the baby is probably a boy but don't want to say for sure in case they're wrong. We have to wait for the post mortem results in a few weeks to find out for certain. This means we'll have to wait before we can name the baby which I'm finding hard. I'd much rather be able to tell people who knew about the pregnancy that our baby had a name.

I'm swaying between feeling totally bereft to feeling completely numb. My friends have all texted to offer support and ask if there's anything they can do but I feel hurt that they haven't phoned to chat. I suppose they don't know what to say. I know I could call them and they'd be here for me straight away but I guess that phoning me is too hard. Before all this happened to me, I'd probably have been the same.

Anyway, dh and I are going to see the psychologist today. I've been seeing her since we lost ds in January and its helped a lot. And it's a beautifully sunny but cold day here so we'll go for a gentle walk too.
Thanks again for your thoughts.

RillaBlythe Tue 09-Oct-12 11:41:00

So sorry to hear of your losses ladystar.

horsebiscuit Tue 09-Oct-12 11:44:51

I want to send unmumsnetty hugs. You sound so brave and dignified in the face of such grief and sadness. I do hope you are able to name your beautiful baby soon.

I have been your friends, texting a friend who had lost her baby but worried about calling at "just the wrong moment". Choose your best friend and text asking her to call tonight. You can guarantee that she will.

WitchesTitWhistles Tue 09-Oct-12 11:52:15

Just read and didn't want to not acknowledge your post though I have no advice to give. My sympathies are with you and I hope that you can find strength together to bear this sorrow. Xx

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