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"Inappropriate" emotions following miscarriage?

(8 Posts)
WeatherWitch Thu 04-Oct-12 11:11:04

I had a scan at the EPU yesterday following a couple of days of spotting. I should have been 10+2 with DC1 and was absolutely certain of dates but the embryo was measuring 6 weeks and there was no heartbeat and the sonographer reckoned she could see signs of a developing bleed, so I was sent home with the advice that I was almost certainly miscarrying. I'm booked in for another scan in 10 days' time but I'm having cramping and some bleeding today so it's pretty definite that it's gone.

DH and I had been TTC for 18 months, had both decided that we definitely wanted children, were both delighted when we found out that I was pregnant and were really happy about it. Being scanned and told that it was not developing felt like being in some awful dream and I had to try to convince myself that I was awake and that it was real.

I had a tearful half hour on my housemate's shoulder last night (DH is away and can't get back) but today my overwhelming emotion is "Thank God, I've got my life back". I spoke to DH last night and we were discussing trying again, I said that I assumed he wanted to and he said, "Hmm, maybe, but it was absolutely terrifying knowing that we were going to be parents, wasn't it? We do need to talk about this."

Reading everything else on here, I just don't seem to be connecting with the "right" emotions. Did anyone else feel this immediately afterwards? Is this normal, am I just waiting for it to hit me and will I start to feel devastated or are DH and I just not emotionally cut out to be parents? We have great and fulfilling lives anyway and while we always wanted children, we never felt that our lives would be empty and pointless if we couldn't have them for any reason. I don't feel much worse today than I did after each monthly disappointment of another BFN. Has anyone else had this experience or am I just lacking in some sort of basic emotional ability?

crosscupcake Thu 04-Oct-12 11:20:26

Naa, you are not lacking anything.

There is absolutely NO precriptive way to feel about this, no abnormal or normal emotional reaction!

Must admit to have feelings similar to this with a couple of my mcs.
Its a major life changing decision to make to try to have a baby. I was relieved because i had dipped my toe in...and it was scary, really scary.
Looking at friends with babies and kids thinking "jeez, thats hard work" and then thinking " can i be bothered with it all???"

Now i have a son and another on the way..and its the best thing i ever did.

It has taken hell & high water to get here admittedly, but its really really fab when it works.

messtins Thu 04-Oct-12 15:14:10

There's no right or wrong way to feel. I would say that in my experience it may take some time to work your way through the emotions this is likely to throw up, I've felt completely numb initially and been through all sorts of confliciting emotions in the weeks afterwards. It would probably be a good idea to put TTC on hold for a few months and see how you both feel then.
Take it easy, I hope the process goes as smoothly as possible for you and that you are well supported. Never apologise for how you feel though!

Geekster Thu 04-Oct-12 15:50:29

Don't beat yourself up you feel how you feel. I was a bit like that after some of my miscarriages. I think for me part of it was my way of coping, thinking that if I didn't really want it it wasn't so bad. Just see how you both feel in the future and I'm sure you'll both decide what is best for you.

Oh and you are perfectly normal.

debz6108 Fri 05-Oct-12 00:20:17

like others have said there really isn't a "right way" to feel. I have felt very different with each miscarriage and not how I would've expected to feel it's an emotional time & your feelings may change as time passes in any case don't be hard on yourself.

MurderOfProse Fri 05-Oct-12 11:01:08

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Those feelings are normal! My first pregnancy ended in a loss too and that was one of the emotions that went through my head. Having children is a huge lifestyle change and even if something is ultimately for the best, it's normal to have doubts especially when something like this happens. Kind of like cold feet leading up to a wedding. And intensified by the whole "wasn't meant to be" thoughts that inevitably surface.

Also pregnancy is VERY intensive emotionally and physically. It consumes your every thought and exhausts you physically. Your mind is just relieved for that break and going back to "normal" even if it means the loss of your baby. I clearly remember feeling that way at times in the beginning, but after a few weeks I was desperate to be pregnant again.

Of course it may well be that your thoughts are a symptom of a deeper concern, but hopefully it'll become clear over the next few months as your hormones sort themselves out and you recover in every sense from what has happened.

WeatherWitch Fri 05-Oct-12 11:23:59

Thank you everyone for your kind words and reassurance. I'm already starting to feel more relaxed and while I'm not yet ready to try again (emotionally or physically!) I can now see that there may well be a point in the future when I am ready. DH is coming home in a week as well so we'll be able to have some time together to discuss things. I'm sure you're right that we need time to absorb these feelings and come to terms before we make any decisions.

WhatDreamsMayCome Fri 05-Oct-12 19:07:19

I'm sorry for your loss WeatherWitch.
You mustn't feel bad for having these thoughts, they are just that, thoughts and as far as I'm aware there is no law against having thoughts!

I will share with you a few points as I had similar feelings and was puzzled by the same thoughts. Just after my m/c, I looked down at my belly and thought, woo, hoo, I have hip bones again and a flat belly. Does that mean, that I didn't care? No. It means that the brain just tries to see the best side of a situation. A few minutes before that I was reciting the Lord's Prayer (not very religious) as I was so shocked at what had just happened. When it's over, the relief makes you go into survival mode! Since then there have been tears and mourning. There isn't a day let alone an hour when the loss doesn't cross my mind but it doesn't mean that I don't laugh and show interest in other topics either. We would all go stir crazy if we didn't have a number of facets to our personality.

The second thing I wanted to say was that parenthood is a huge responsibility. That you recognise that is admirable. It's those people who just get pregnant and have children without a care in the world who are of concern to our society and often impact upon it in a negative way.

Thirdly, despite feeling sad about what happened, I rationalise it as a practise-run. In that practise-run, I realised that, gosh, marriage is really, really important to me! It didn't hold much meaning to me despite giving it a lot of thought before pregnancy. As I sat in the A&E dept and the EPU the next morning, I felt a sudden sadness that I wasn't a Mrs. I don't think any the less of anyone who doesn't opt for marriage but I now know that I will not be having another pregnancy without being married and we are both agreed on that. So, although the experience was sad, I have learned a lot from it and will feel calmer and more prepared the next time around.

Be kind to yourself. If you want to have some fun and enjoy a couple of drinks and a laugh, do so and don't feel as though it's means you've forgotten because you know that you haven't and that is the important thing. Then, when you're ready, do the hundred day clean-up and eliminate all things bad and get those good quality eggs on the go for the next round of DTD!

Thank you for posting OP and everyone on this thread, it's good to know these feelings are ok.

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