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Do I tell my 3.9 year old why mummy's feeling sad?

(12 Posts)
itsababslife Thu 04-Oct-12 09:27:35

My beautiful, endearing, empathetic little girl is desperate for a little brother or sister, all her friends have or will shortly have baby siblings and she regularly talks about when she will be a big sister.

I am just having my seventh miscarriage sad. I am trying not to show her how sad I feel, but with this and a chest infection I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself.

She is such an empathetic child, I know she is worried. Do I try and explain it to her, or is she just too young?

ToothyMcTooth Thu 04-Oct-12 09:51:04

I'm so sorry for you that must be heartbreaking. I would not tell her though, she does not need to know and at that age I doubt would make the connection between the loss and a future sibling anyway. Just tell her you feel poorly because of the chest infection.

Have you anyone who could take her out for an hour or two to give you some space?

itsababslife Thu 04-Oct-12 11:20:50

Thank you Toothy, she's at per-school at the moment, and probably at some friends later.

YouOldSlag Thu 04-Oct-12 11:22:17

No need to explain. It would upset and confuse more than it would reassure.

But I am very sorry indeed to hear of your seventh miscarriage. my heart goes out to you.

crosscupcake Thu 04-Oct-12 11:25:24

Oh love, i feel for you, heartbreaking.

I had 7 miscarriages too, my son thought that i had an upset tummy for 5 years!

I never told him and he was older, aged 4 when it all started for me.
They dont need to know, not at all.

Can i ask if you have been referred to re-occuring mc clinic for investigations etc?

itsababslife Thu 04-Oct-12 13:16:29

Thanks for your kind words.

We had investigations done after my first two, before DD was born and I was found to have a prolactinoma and a balanced it was nearly impossible to conceive, and then when I did, it was nearly impossible to hang onto tem. How on earth we managed to have DD I've no idea, but thank heaven we did, she is the love of my life!

We were offered PGD, but with the info we had at the time it looked like the chances of success were the same as trying naturally so we didn't bother. I wish we'd gone for it now as our 50% probability of success we were given by the genetic counsellor is in reality more like 12%...i'm too old now angry. Hindsight's a wonderful thing isn't it.

I'm fast running out of fight to carry on on this ridiculous merry-go-round, however I've never been offered Clomid and was thinking about one last go. Maybe Clomid may help give me more than an annual crack at it.

itsababslife Thu 04-Oct-12 13:19:39

Cupcake I'm sorry for all your losses too, did you ever manage to have any more?

MsGee Thu 04-Oct-12 13:35:23

I'm so sorry ((( )))

I would not tell your DD. Tell her you are a bit poorly and have a tummy ache so she needs to be nice and give you some cuddles.

My DD was 3.1 last year when I had a TFMR, following two mcs. It definitely affected her in that she saw me so sad but really didn't have a clue about the details.

She was also desperate for a sibling and would occasionally cry that she didn't have one (all her friends were having little brothers or sisters) - I know its very very hard.

I gave up the fight after the TFMR. Time is not on my side and I could not even set foot in the hospital to have the genetic tests. I accept it won't happen for us and DD (now 4.6) does not talk about it much anymore, we have just explained to her that some people find it easy to have lots of children, some don't. I view her desire for a sibling as I would if she asked me for a unicorn (in fact a wise MNetter suggested I do so). We talk about what it would be like to have a sibling and how it is sometimes nice and sometimes not so nice. She is clear that having no siblings means she doesn't have to share her biscuits!

I know its hard and I am so sorry ((( )))

whiterose2011 Thu 04-Oct-12 13:36:17

I'm so sorry for all your losses. You must be so strong to make it through them all. I've only had one so I can't imagine how you must feel after multiple mc's.

I wouldn't tell your DD. I don't think she will properly understand and her asking questions might be even more upsetting.

Make sure you take good care of yourself. If you are feeling run down and have a chest infection, your immune system will probably be working overtime. Be kind to yourself, take some time just for you and don't do too much. Xxx

messtins Thu 04-Oct-12 15:07:07

I think she's too young. We haven't told our children about the recent miscarriage (oldest is 5.11) and I didn't even consider it when I had my first MC and he was 3. He doesn't need to have that sadness in his life. We've just said I wasn't well and needed to rest and visit the doctor to get better.
I think I may tell them if a suitable occasion arises when they are older, I don't want it to be something hidden, but only when I think they are emotionally mature enough to deal with it and it's sufficiently in the past that it's not raw for me. My Dh never knew that his mum had a stillborn baby when he was 2 (he doesn't remember anything about it, but it was never mentioned again) and he was devastated when she decided to tell me when I was about 38 weeks pregnant confused 30 yrs later.
They talk about having another sibling quite a lot, DS1 has it in his head that we need to have a child in each bedroom of the house. I've just said we'd like another but sometimes we don't get what we want.

mumtoaandj Thu 04-Oct-12 20:56:14

i recently had my first miscarriage and was only about 8 weeks pregnant, strangely the other day my nearly 3 year old said "mummy tummy fat but the baby is gone". He hasn't heard anything from me,i have never mentioned babies in my tummy, pregnancy nor miscarriages. He knows i have had tummy ache but hasn't overheard anything. He seems to have some instinctive knowledge.

crosscupcake Fri 05-Oct-12 09:04:33

itsababeslife i had 2 mcs, then had my son. He is 9 now.
I have had another 5 in the last 5 years. Had all investigations and all are normal.
Had mc in March this year, at aged 42.
We gave up trying, i went and got the pill and waited patiently for my period.
It never arrived.
It seems i was unexpectedly pregnant.
I am now sat here 23 weeks pregnant and all is well.

Pinching myself...still cannot believe that its really happening, but miracles apparently DO happen shock

Its a funny tale, if it gives hope, then good. x

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