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Not getting over it

(11 Posts)
cogitosum Sat 29-Sep-12 08:52:33

I had a mmc and erpc in June at 10 weeks (was due jan) on second cycle (would be dc1). I handled it ok at the time with lots of support from dh, my family and a few friends I'd told.

But I'm now finding it harder and harder. I think I'd thought I'd get pregnant again quickly (lots of stories about hyper fertility after miscarriage) but I actually think it's affected my hormones as I no longer have any signs of ovulation) just got a BFN and I feel more upset than I did at the time - it's like each period brings it back.

The hardest thing is I can't stop thinking what would have been. There's a woman at work who is due in jan and every time I see her I want to cry. I'm dreading Christmas as I would've been full term by then.

I don't really know what I'm asking - I guess just good news stories or understanding. DH is amazing and my friends and family are great but I think they expect it to be easier and I'm just not finding that right now. I don't know if I am being a drama queen and should be over
It
Sorry for epic post!

girlindevon Sat 29-Sep-12 12:36:55

I think it is a very individual thing. I keep hearing stories of people who are a lot worse off than myself and I know things could have been worse but it is not making me feel any better. Then I feel selfish and self absorbed and guilty. When people ask how I am I say I'm fine because I know that soon they are going to get tired of me saying actually I feel shit.

I miss my baby and I miss what could have been.

MMC at 12 week scan, first pregnancy, medically managed two weeks ago and was the worst day of my life so far.

I am drinking too much and trying to fill my days with as much activity as possible so that I don't have to stop and think.

I am sorry that you are going through this too.

CaptainHoratioWragge Sat 29-Sep-12 12:47:30

Hello, I'm so, so sorry about your loss.

I don't think you are being a drama queen at all.

I think that other people simply don't understand how hard it is.

I've had 3 MC and to me those PG were babies that I loved and I had plans and dreams for, so there is a grieving process to go through.

Initially I think I just go into shock and once it wears off the pain really hits but to others less involved I should be feeling better by then.

For me every period is a kick in the teeth, not just because I am TTC again and desperate to be PG, but because each time it reminds me of what i've lost, how far along I should be etc. Its just awful, awful, awful and I'm so sorry you are also going through it.

Last Christmas I was 20 weeks PG and really showing, went on to lose it January, so I too am absolutely bereft at the thought of getting through Christmas.

I wish there was more to say to help you, but there just aren't really words.
But you aren't alone.

(PS I have a specific blood disorder that has caused all 3 of my MC, it is very unusual for this to happen. There is absolutely no reason at all that you won't go on to have a perfectly safe and happy pregnancy next time, I don't want my stats to scare you. )

CaptainHoratioWragge Sat 29-Sep-12 12:48:50

girlindevon, i obviously spent a long time writing my reply as I missed yours. I'm so sorry you are in this position too.

cogitosum Sat 29-Sep-12 13:48:45

Horatio I'm so sorry that must be awful. Thank you for your understanding when your situation must be so much harder. I know what you mean about the shock wearing off and then the pain getting really hard.

girlindevon I could almost have written your post... I'm trying not to drink as we're trying again but then want to distract mysef by going out etc... it's all so shitty sad I'm really sorry for your loss

girlindevon Sat 29-Sep-12 14:28:00

Oh Horatio I am so so sorry for your losses. I agree with you that other people just don't get how hard it is. Are you having any treatment for your blood disorder and TTC?

Cog - I wish there was something specific that could be said that would suddenly make it all better but I haven't found it yet. I am just clinging onto the cliche ( and really hoping ) that the passing of time will make it easier because nothing else is helping. I agree with Horatio, you are not a drama queen and I think that there is a natural grieving process to go through, and everyone goes through it at their own pace.

Daisybell1 Sat 29-Sep-12 17:47:52

Cog I'm so sorry for you loss.

I could have written your post. Had a mmc with twins in early July at 10 weeks. I'd fallen pg very easily previously but since my erpc I had one month of strong ov feelings but since then nothing. No ewcm or interest in dtd.

I'm also struggling emotionally, fine initially, but now very sad when hearing others news, frustrated, pissed off etc etc.

I don't know if this gives you any hope but I just wanted to say "you are not alone".

messtins Sat 29-Sep-12 20:09:01

Hi cogitosum I'm sorry to hear about your loss - much sympathy to you and the other ladies on the thread. I had a MMC at 10 weeks in 2009 and have had another MC at 8 weeks, 3 weeks ago. I think you do just go into shock initially and I have found I'm initially quite emotionally numb and just getting through the awful physical part on automatic pilot, it's only once that is all done with that you can start to grieve, and grieving is a process that can take a long time to get through, and it's different for everyone. Personally I felt getting pregnant again was a fairly desperate need, but I had bizarre cycles for 3 months and it took me 6 months to get a BFP which was very hard. I felt like I could only possibly handle the due date if I was 'safely' pregnant by that time. I did go on to have a successful pregnancy and my lovely DS has really helped to heal the hurt. Pre-recent-MC I still thought about my lost baby 3 yrs on but with less raw grief and more wistfulness of what might have been.
The pregnancy I've just lost took 12m of TTC so I am not too hopeful of getting a BFP any time soon, my age (37) is not in my favour as the GP so kindly pointed out sad.
I don't think anyone who has not suffered a MC can understand, and certainly in my case it has not affected my DH anywhere near as much or for as long as me (which I resent - it ought to be his loss too).
There is a lovely supportive TTC after miscarriage thread over on the conception board - might be worth joining in for some moral support?

DistressedMumHELP Sat 29-Sep-12 20:20:08

I lost two babies to missed miscarriages. My first mmc who i always called junior would have been six this boxing day, and my second, littley would be three and a half now. I had my ERPC with littley 4 years ago to the day last sunday, and i had my first of July 7th. The dates are still in my head. I still think about both of them, they are not gone from me.
I have a poem that i often read, and though it will probably bring tears, it helps me, its called angel of my tears:

How do you love a person,
Who never got to be?
Or try to envision a face
You never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one,
Who never got to live?
When there is nothing to feel good about,
And nothing to forgive?
I love you my little baby,
My companion of the night,
Wandering through my lonely hours,
Beautiful and bright,
What does it mean to die,
Before you were ever even born,
To live the lovely night of life,
But never see the dawn?
Ah my little baby you lived like anyone,
For life's a burst of joy and pain,
And then like yours its done,
I love you my little baby,
As if you'd lived for years,
No more, no less I think of you,
The angel of my tears.

whiterose2011 Sun 30-Sep-12 18:24:03

I'm so sorry for all your losses. I had a mc last weekend (1st pregnancy) and have just spent this weekend with my sister who is 20 weeks with dc2. sad We haven't told anyone about my mc and this weekend has been so difficult. We even managed to come across a baby expo when were out shopping on Sat morning. I could have burst into tears on the spot and it took all my strength to hold it together.

I feel emotionally and physically drained and am so pleased to be back home with dh. I think I'm still a bit numb about what happened to me (I only knew I was pregnant for 1 week before I starting bleeding and then had to wait for 4 weeks for confirmation that the heartbeat had stopped) so I'm expecting some of the things you have all been experiencing to hit me soon.

The weekend had been planned for months so I didn't want to cancel as I'd have to come up with some sort of explanation which probably wouldn't have been well received (lots of family history.....too long and boring to explain!). But you are right.....you can't understand how it feels until you've been through it. And I see pregnant women or new mothers EVERYWHERE I go.

I'm also terrified that it might happen again. When I was travelling on Friday night, I found my mind wandering and coming up with all sorts of crazy scenarios that might happen (mc, late mc, still birth, terrible accident etc etc). sad

purple84 Mon 01-Oct-12 19:25:09

So sorry to hear all ur stories ladies sad

I sometimes wonder if we ever get over it?
I am 15 months and 4 mc down the line and I am pretty sure I am just getting worse, I feel like I am crying daily (because i am) everything sets me off, pregnant ladies, babies.....even people just talking bout pregnancies or babies. I just want to hide from the world til it gets better (if it ever does).

I have passed 3 due dates and still no closer to getting dc1. I dread more of my friends telling me they are pregnant.

Wish u all good luck for the future x

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