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Just needing a friendly reply

(7 Posts)
WakeyCakey Mon 24-Sep-12 18:24:35

Its been a long time since i had my mc (Feb 2008) but even now I think about it every single day.
Back then I reassured myself that I would get over it, it wouldn't take this long.

I just can't see a time when it won't fill my mind. The thought of this little baby that I could of had.
I have always thought about what he/she would be like, and what they would be doing now. Would they be cheeky or sweet or completely bonkers.

I saw my ExP the other day and all I could think of was what if the baby had looked like him.
I just need some re-assurance that I may be able to get over this some day sad

HoratiaWinwood Mon 24-Sep-12 18:27:50

I don't know the answer - I know my mother and MIL still think about their mcs in the 1970s and 1980s. I think about mine often but I am getting better at not being sideswiped by the memory.

Offering a hand to hold in sympathy.

WakeyCakey Mon 24-Sep-12 18:39:34

Thankyou.
I just feel like it consumes me. DP knows about it but as it didn't happen to him he just forgets. He knows I want a baby but he isn't completely sold so I'm waiting to start hinting for a little while.
I just can't see a time when I don't think about it.
I'm alone at home at the moment thinking about it and I've already been in tears . I guess I just feel that I should be over it by now but I'm so clearly not.

Is anyone else struggling with this?

sundaesundae Mon 24-Sep-12 18:57:35

I think you are making yourself feel guilty for still thinking about what might have been. Try not to, everyone grieves differently and not everyone resolves things within the same rate.

I have lost two, I don't think about them that much, one was at 5 weeks and one at 10 (I had a medical termination), so maybe that makes a difference. I tried not to think of dates, babies or anything else, so I have managed to out it aside.

I do sometimes think I should have two babies by now, but always counter that thought with a "everything happens for a reason" thought.

It is hard if you want a baby and your partner isn't there yet, we took a good long time to come to try again, I needed it and so did he. Did you ever talk to anyone about it, perhaps that might help?

Losing a pregnancy is a cruel and heartbreaking thing to happen, don't feel bad for still thinking about it, but perhaps you need a little help to get some distance? I could be wrong, but it sounds like it might help.

Take gentle care

xx

messtins Tue 25-Sep-12 10:05:59

Hi Wakey. I don't think you ever forget, and nor should you, but if it is still all-consuming four years on then maybe you need to seek some counselling to reach some peace about it? I had my first MC in May 2009, and though I was devastated at the time I'd reached the stage where I'd think about the baby from time to time (anniversary, due date, if I see a little girl who would have been the same age) but with mild sadness rather than raw grief, if that makes sense. I've just miscarried again at 8 weeks, and think on the whole I am handling it better this time round, having learnt the lessons last time that you need to allow yourself to grieve and work through the stages, and I know that however awful I feel at each stage won't last forever. It sounds like you've got stuck somewhere in the process and you can't move on to acceptance - the miscarriage association should be able to put you in touch with someone who can help you explore your feelings. Gentle hugs. Jen xx

WakeyCakey Tue 25-Sep-12 18:02:04

Thankyou,
A friend of mine went into labour 2 days ago and i guess its making my mind spin.
All i have wanted since that day is another chance to have a baby, and I always feel like I'm waiting and waiting.
DP has a daughter who is very hard work and he is terrified of having another difficult child, he always tells me i will make a great mum but leaves it at that.
I guess I'm just feeling down about it all. I get like this mainly as we approach December (when I fell pregnant) and February (when I lost the baby).
Its probably because I am so broody at the moment.

I have never had any counselling but I think for the first time ever I may be ready to speak to someone about it.
Apart from my best friend and my current DP no one knows about it. I've never really had the chance to let out my feelings about it all

Thanks so much for your replies

messtins Tue 25-Sep-12 19:02:46

I think for a lot of women being able to TTC again feels like a need after a miscarriage, not a want. If your situation isn't allowing that I'm sure it makes it more difficult to fill the void. I hope you'll be able to work through your feelings about it and talk to DP about your desire to be a mum. Hope you get your rainbow baby one day soon.

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