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Want to try again after mc but dh does not want to

(12 Posts)
MammaMo Thu 13-Sep-12 10:16:46

I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks, the pregnancy was not planned but we were both happy about it and our 2 DC were also very exited.
I really want to try again especially after having the pregnancy experience again which I know miss but also I feel it will help heal the feeling of loss.
I feel lucky that i already have two children but i feel something is missing and can't stop thinking about what has happened.
Before we became pregnant my DH did not want a third and even after i had the mc the experience has not changed his mind - if anything it has probably put him off more as he saw what I went through.
How do I get through this? any thoughts or similar experiences out there?

Tamisara Thu 13-Sep-12 11:04:30

I'm sorry (((hugs)))

I don't have any real helpful advice, just wanted you to know, that you're not alone.

When I fell pregnant with DD2, DH wasn't happy. He did come around in the end, but she was born sleeping at 37 weeks, and the botched induction (which shouldn't have happened as she was transverse, and I'd had a caesarean the previous year), followed by an EMCS, where my womb ruputured, meant that DH is now very, very adamant that we won't have another.

I'm bereft, and at times really, really struggle to cope. We should have two little girls running around, now I only have one to look after, and one to visit at the cemetery.

DH has even more reason to against it now, I guess. Not only was I giving birth to a dead baby, but my life was in danger doing it.

I still want another one, and am not at peace with the fact that I may never have another one. My age is also a problem, as I turned 42 this year...

I don't know how old you are, but maybe just give your DH some time. If he originally didn't want it, then when you fell - became excited, he may also be greiving, and not want to go through it again.

I hope things work out, sorry for your loss xx

MammaMo Thu 13-Sep-12 11:07:49

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and i am also sorry for your loss xxx

I am 38 so i feel i don't have much time left sad

messtins Thu 13-Sep-12 11:41:02

((Hugs)) to mammamo and tamisara. I don't know what the answer is but can certainly identify with the need to be pregnant again to heal the loss or fill the emptiness in some way. I am going through my second miscarriage, after my first I was desperate to TTC again. This pregnancy was planned and we had agreed to try for a 3rd DC after much discussion especially as I had a hard time when DS2 was born and he was a difficult baby. I'm hoping having agonised after whether to try for a third DH will still be on board to try again when we're ready. It's so hard - I don't ever want to do this again, but unless I can entertain the possibility then I can't have my DC3. I'm sure your DHs are trying to protect you from further pain. I hope you can talk them round to your way of thinking. Jen xx

messtins Thu 13-Sep-12 11:51:58

I'm nearly 38 BTW so have the same time/clock pressures sad

Irishmammybread Thu 13-Sep-12 20:22:08

Hi, sorry for your losses.
I'm 44, have three dc,19,13 and 8 and had an unplanned but not unwelcome pregnancy earlier this year. We were looking foward to a new baby,kids were excited and even though we knew the risks were high at my age when I got to 10weeks we were hoping all would be ok. I then started to spot blood and went on to miscarry a week later at the end of March. I too felt a tremendous sense of loss,grief for the little one I lost but also that "empty arm syndrome", a longing for a baby and feeling of incompleteness.
I felt the only way I could recover was to try again, DH was keen so we waited for one AF and I conceived but went on to miscarry in June at 6 weeks.
We tried again and conceived straight away in the wtf cycle. I had a scan at 7 weeks that showed a heartbeat, scan at 8wks that showed normal growth and heartbeat.At this stage I was told just to have the normal scan at 12 weeks but we booked a private scan at 10 wks just for reassurance and were devastated to find baby had died a few days before. We decided to wait and see if I would miscarry naturally, we hadn't told the younger kids I was pregnant this time, DD1 13y was really upset after the first MC and I didn't want to go into hospital, so we tried to carry on as normal for them. I miscarried at 12 weeks.
DH at first said we could try again,then felt we couldn't put ourselves through the emotional rollercoaster again. It's hard for the dad making and then losing babies too and he feels our chances aren't good.
Even though there is normally some investigation after three consecutive miscarriages my GP spoke to the consultant and has told me because of my age and the fact that we have three normal healthy children they wouldn't do any testing,it's likely to be either chromosomal abnormalities or blood clotting isues with the placenta so they would recommend taking baby aspirin prior to trying again.(Wish they'd suggested that after the second if not the first MC rather than waiting for the third!)
DH and I have spoken about it,he knows I still feel like I want to keep going but I know too that I feel hormonal and am still grieving, the loss is very recent and very raw. He wants me to get physically and emotionally a bit stronger, we'll concentrate on each other and the kids for a few months(but not too long) and then decide.We really haven't much time to wait at our ages though! I don't mind putting myself through the trauma of risking another loss but I don't want my DH or family to suffer so it is difficult.
I did have a blood test for Anti Mullerian Hormone after MC1 before we tried again to check ovarian reserve, the result for me was low but good for someone of my age. I know though that even though the eggs are there it doesn't indicate how good quality they are. It is a test worth having though to give some idea as to how fast the clock is ticking .I ordered the blood test online and the nurse at my GP surgery took the sample, results were posted directly to me.
Hope we all can find some peace of mind with whatever decisions we make. x

Goldenjubilee10 Sun 16-Sep-12 15:17:55

We made a conscious decision to try for a 3rd dc and were expecting twins. After a m/c at 12+ weeks, the week after my 40th birthday, dh felt we should be grateful for the 2 dc's we had and didn't want to try again but I couldn't let it go. I conceived again 4 months later but m/c'd at 8 weeks. It took over a year to conceive again but little ds3 arrived safely and neither of us regret carring on.

OP, I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely little girl. I do hope you can come to some agreement between you.

Irishmammybread I was 42 when we had ds3 and my colleagues were 42 and 45 (almost 46) when they had their little boys.

Good luck to you both

J.

Goldenjubilee10 Sun 16-Sep-12 15:20:51

Tamisara, sorry for the loss of your little girl.

Irishmammybread Sun 16-Sep-12 23:36:38

Golden , it's so encouraging to read a story like yours, it really makes me feel there could be still hope! I'm glad you had your ds3 in the end,thank you for sharing your experience.

MammaMo Mon 17-Sep-12 22:06:23

Thank you so much Irishmammybread for sharing you personnel experience, it really does help to hear other peoples own experiences

I can't stop thinking about what happened, what I went through, how I had pregnancy symptoms one day and gone the next.
I very much want to try again and to feel pregnant like before. It feels strange to think that it may never happen again for me.
I can only hope that it might.

woollywomble Wed 26-Sep-12 12:02:52

Sorry to hear about everyone's sad news. I'm in the same situation, already have 2 DDs, aged 9 and 6, and discovered I was expecting DC at the age of 41. After the initial shock, we really started to get excited about the prospect of a new baby. However, things weren't to be and I have discovered today that at nearly 11 weeks, the baby has no heartbeat and I am starting to miscarry. I am heartbroken, not just at the thought that this baby will not happen, but DH has already said that he doesn't want to try again so this is the end of the road for us. I had a miscarriage before, in between the two DDs, and although devastating, the thought of trying again kept me positive. I need to focus on my two DDs going forward, but I'm dreading the emptiness of the next six months and beyond.

Irishmammybread Wed 26-Sep-12 19:01:00

Oh woolly, so sorry to hear you're going through this. Miscarriage is just such an incredibly devastating experience. I too felt the thought of trying again after my first MC was a reason to try to feel positive and am still wondering how I'm going to get through this if we don't try again( or I suppose try and find we still don't have a baby at the end).
It is so recent and raw for you, maybe your DH will feel differently as time goes on. As you say, you have your DDs to focus on, I'm trying to do the same though it is difficult.
Take care of yourself x

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