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M/C has making me selfish, bitter, jealous...

(32 Posts)
Moggin Mon 20-Aug-12 23:03:14

I had a miscarriage a couple of months ago and although obviously being very upset I think I coped with it ok at the time. I feel fine most of the time now but it seems everyone I know is now pregnant. I HATE being told someone new is expecting, I HATE having to pretend I'm thrilled for them, I HATE having to smile when I'm told it was a happy accident, and I HATE having to say 'no, don't worry about me I already have DC1 so I'm very lucky anyway'.

I know it make me a terrible person but a few friends have had some slight problems in their pregnancy and when it's turned out to be ok I feel so sad, not because I wanted them to have bad news but because I can't help thinking why was it me that had the bad news? I don't want to become bitter but I can't seem to stop the first thought in my head being why couldn't that be me.

Why do all the newly pregnant people appear when I want to hide away from all of that?

Sorry about the rant, I know I have it a million times easier than many on this board having had just one reasonably untraumatic m/c - not sure what response I'm after really (am I just a freak for feeling so evil at the moment?)

Moggin Mon 20-Aug-12 23:03:46

oops - is making me

okavango Tue 21-Aug-12 08:53:03

You are not a freak, I have been feeling like that for months. MC2 started in May and the hormones have only just dropped for various reasons. There are babies and newly pregnant people everywhere, I have sent off 13 new born presents this year already and it is the most awful feeling being angry that they have arrived safely. Yesterday was the first day in months that I haven't spent the whole day feeling furious with the world and I only hope that I can keep it up for two days in a row.

JessieEssex Tue 21-Aug-12 13:47:05

Hi moggin you are not a freak in the slightest. I had a mmc in early May and thought I was OK afterwards, but in the weeks and months that followed I could find myself turning into someone very bitter and unhappy. Lots of friends were pregnant and my smile felt more forced with each announcement. I remember thinking 'how dare they? It's my turn' and thinking that they were being utter bitches by getting pregnant without considering my feelings. I felt doubly bad because I felt so guilty at thinking these things.

I'm pretty much OK now, although odd things can upset me, but it is hard. I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one to have felt like this.

Hope you start to feel better soon.

Moggin Tue 21-Aug-12 14:54:56

Thanks for you replies, I'm sorry you've both been through this too. I feel a lot better today. I just seem to have a bad day every time I find out someone else is newly pregnant and then I pull myself together again.

It's ridiculous how all I really had was an idea of having a baby for a few weeks but that the end of it can upset you this much - I hadn't felt a kick, seen them on a scan or felt at all pregnant but me and dh had still imagined all the good stuff that was going to come. I'm pretty much ok now though but dread the due date coming around if I'm not pregnant again by then.

lotsofcheese Tue 21-Aug-12 18:03:57

Am feeling a bit crappy about pregnant ladies & babies too. In the last week alone, 2 close friends have had babies - with no "backstory" ie conceived easily, no previous m/c, textbook pregnancies & healthy babies. It just seems so easy for some people. Why not me?

And today I met a friend with nearly the same due date sad. Part of my job involves working in a pregnancy clinic too, am finding that hard. And there seems to be an outbreak of pregnancy announcements too.

I also managed well initially after m/c in June, but as time has gone on & I've not been able to get pregnant due to my cycles being up the spout, I've just got more & more low. Just can't see it ever happening -my due date is looming closer & I desperately want to be pregnant by then.

Moggin Tue 21-Aug-12 18:05:30

Argh, another pregnancy announcement today too! It's as if the day I miscarriaged everyone I know decided to shag themselves senseless until they were pregnant / impregnated someone.

Moggin Tue 21-Aug-12 18:09:34

Sorry you're going through the same thing lotsofcheese. I can't imagine having to work with pregnant people every day, I think it would send me insane. When was your due date? Mine wasn't until January but it still seems to be going so fast... I'd be over half way through and finding out sex at the scan this week.

I wish I could wipe the date from my mind so I didn't keep on thinking about it

lotsofcheese Tue 21-Aug-12 22:38:42

Thanks Moggin and sorry you're feeling down as well. My due date was 25th December - although would have had a section at 38 weeks due to previous pregnancy issues.

I would have been over half way too, finishing up work mid-October - so have found my motivation at work to be severely lacking! Better the last few weeks though & I'm just starting a big project so that's helping. Thankfully I only do one pregnancy clinic a week - it is hard though

AF has just finished so we're TTC again - not used contraception since m/c in early June - want to be pregnant asap!!!

kittykatsforever Wed 22-Aug-12 09:47:12

I can totally empathise with this,
I hate how negative I feel about other peoples pregnancys and I feel I'm always bracing for the next pg announcement, my friend got pg the month I told her of my mc and then has told me and the world she was pg at 6 wks and I know it's awful but I have almost wished bad things for her for being so sure it's going to be ok etc, ofcorse I then hate myself!! I too would be just over 20 wks if first mc had never happened and now I've been hit with another I do feel why? What did I do to deserve this sad

joberg Sat 25-Aug-12 03:43:43

Please can i join you bus? I can really really understand where you are coming from! I had last MC on 13/7 and then good friend gave birth on 3/8. Haven't been to visit although have asked for photos and sent present. She is getting slightly cross with me, but I just don't feel strong enough. Then I feel like a drama queen who should just suck it up... And am avoiding all preggers and all kids, which is not an easy feat! Ha! Hit rock bottom last week when friend announced due date the same as mine and now my sister is nearly a week late despite getting bfn. She is sensitive to my feelings, but my mother, oh my mother... That's a whole other story... smile
stats are : mc 1999, mmc 2002, mc 2008, ds 2009, dd 2010, mmc 13/07/12.

randomimposter Sat 25-Aug-12 04:16:54

it's horribly hard I know. I had 5 after DS1 was born, and as age wasn't on my side I felt extra pressure. I felt all the emotions you describe. Am now 34 weeks with DS2. Can't quite believe it. I'm 44 and know how lucky I am. Wishing you all luck and happiness whatever your own future holds.

Fishandjam Sat 25-Aug-12 05:28:44

Moggin, ain't it a fucker when you m/c and afterwards every woman and her dog seems to be pregnant? I m/c August last year, when 4 of my close mates were all expecting (I was even due on the same day as one of them). I remember sitting in Costa looking out of the window and thinking that around 10% of women passing were all up the stick too.

I met my mates for lunch one day - big mistake - drove home in utter misery, sobbing all the way, thinking "why them and not me?" Then realised my period was a day or so late.

DD is now 10 weeks old...

So hang in there sweetheart.

monkeybutt Sat 25-Aug-12 07:35:15

I know exactly how you're feeling moggin...I started a similar thread a week or two ago. The anger comes and goes, and I have faith in the fact that DH and I are trying again, but yesterday a girl at work announced she was pregnant and has the same due date I was meant to have...which means she would have known I was pregnant at the same time as her; and she knew I mc'd whereas she hasn't....I hate that in this day and age, MC are still so common.

PLEASE don't trivialise your MC by saying it was "untraumatic". It may have been less complicated; but there is no doubting what you went/are going through is completely devastating.

fishandjam you have summed it up very well...it well and truly is a fucker, and the only way I can find to describe it myself is as being "really, really shit". There are no other words.

moggin have faith and know you're not alone. Sending very un-mn hugs your way. xx

GrandPoohBah Mon 27-Aug-12 21:15:54

Yup. I feel like that, and I'm now 26 weeks pregnant (still touching wood and crossing everything that it goes ok). One of my best friends announced recently that she is pregnant with her second, and my initial thought wasn't to be happy for her, but rather how fucking unfair it is that she gets it so easy and others (I!) have it so hard. I don't know what it's like to just be happy and look forward to a baby coming - 3 MCs, no DCs yet. It makes me feel like a massive bitch but it's still what goes on in my head.

GuppieK Tue 28-Aug-12 22:21:25

Very normal I'd say. I've had 3 mcs in last year. Today an old work colleague posted 3mth scan pictures on Facebook with some message congratulating his wife on her baby baking skills. I almost felt like it was a direct dig at my own lack of them, which is ridiculous. He announced it to everyone at about 6wks too and I remember thinking he might regret that. But oh no, everything has gone how I assumed my first one would go too. I should be happy for them but I envy their experience of pregnancy so far compared to my own. It sucks. We're entitled to feel a bit sorry for ourselves!

Moggin Thu 30-Aug-12 08:12:35

I haven't been on here for a while so it's lovely to see all your kind words but rubbish that so many of us feel the same way.

fishandjam your post made me smile, as someone else said you have summed it up perfectly with 'ain't it a fucker' grin

guppie I know what you mean about announcements really early, my DSis has announced her pregnancy very early and I did think it must be lovely not to think there was no chance of bad news. It didn't even cross my mind when I was pregnant with my DC1 but now I kind of assume that any future pregnancies will be doomed.

I feel like I'm on some bizarre race against a clock in my head, I must be pregnant by Christmas... by my previous due date... by the time my DC is 3 or else they are doomed to not get on because of the age difference.

I'm off out tonight to meet up with a friend I haven't seen for a while... I'm 99% certain she's going to say she's pregnant... She'll be the 9th one I know! envy oh well, at least I can wine

Good luck all of you who are now pregnant (giving me hope) and I hope all the rest of us get good news soon too x

elliejjtiny Thu 30-Aug-12 15:08:38

Me too. My sister got pregnant just after my most recent mc and it's just not fair. The worst thing for me was that because DS2 is disabled I was used to seeing a baby curled up in a corner asleep with a beating heart at the scans so when I saw my baby just lying there and not moving I didn't worry and thought he was alive (first miscarriage showed empty 6 week sac when I should have been 12 weeks so more obvious). It was only when the lady doing the scan had finished checking thoroughly for signs of life and told me that he'd died that I knew. If I have another baby I know I won't be able to believe the baby is fine until I'm holding it. I'm envious of other people's confidence as well as their babies.

WillSantaBringaGoldMedal Fri 31-Aug-12 12:53:14

Can I join too? Had a MMC about a month ago and going through the bitter, jealous and selfish phase. Not about pregnant people per se but anyone with more than what I consider to be their fair share of good fortune. So my friend who lost a baby at 16 weeks is pg again and due about a week before my ex-due date, I'm really genuinely thrilled for. But my friend who got a new job and engaged in the same week, I'm really envy of (she's not even pg).

Have one DC already and wanted a small age gap - was jealous of women announcing pg #2 before we'd even started trying again! One selfish bitch friend even managed to squeeze out DC2 before her DD1's birthday - really bothered by it now, possibly also because we have had a weird symmetry in life - she was born 3 weeks after me, we got married 3 weeks apart and then our first DC were born 3 weeks apart.

Worst thing is, we can't try again for at least a year, so that small age gap is going to be anything but, and I feel like I'm racing towards that cliff...*

Dreading the next year when the rest of my NCT group start popping out second/third kids.

I don't like being a selfish, jealous and bitter person, so please give me hope that it is a phase that will pass and not just when/if I have another.

*the metaphorical fertility cliff, not any actual cliffs in case you were worried I was off to beachy head.

cartoonface Thu 06-Sep-12 15:07:13

thank god someone feels like me. i hate pregnant people or hearing about pregnant people. i hate the guy at my work more than usually because they are having their 2nd child (dont think im ment to know that thou)
im jealous of my cousin who is younger than me for having 2 kids when ive not even managed one.
ive had 2 mcs this yr one in march one in june. my cousin and friend were also pregnant and now have had there babies.
i cried at how unfair it was when i heard my cousin had given birth and couldnt bring myself to send a card and present for a couple of weeks.
i hate the thought of anyone else close to my having babies before me.
i hate random pregnant women for looking happy and wonder why its always bad news for me but not for them.
sometimes im better than others but am down at the moment even just wake up miserable.

Moggin Thu 06-Sep-12 21:31:36

Cartoon you sound like you need a hug sad I hope you get some good days again soon x

BlackberryandNettle Sat 08-Sep-12 23:11:23

This thread has made me feel better! Obviously it's awful that any of us are feeling this way but can't help feeling 'thank god it's not just me'. Trying for a first baby and just suffered a mmc discovered at 11 weeks. Had erpc 10 days ago and still bleeding. 2 days after the op, saw old friends at a get-together who announced they are expecting twins about a week after my due date. I am genuinely pleased for them especially as she is a lot older but it was so hard - I couldn't help thinking 'it should be me announcing'. Especially when the guy then asked me in frontbof everyone when we would be getting going - managed to mumbe 'hopefully soon' then went outside for a cry. Also had another announcement work this week, also due march :-(

The worst thing is the feeling of negativity for the future - I know next pregnancy I won't feel relaxed and it just seems so unfair. Gosh I sound petulent but it can be good to have a good moan!

RubyrooUK Sun 09-Sep-12 20:40:11

I think feeling so upset is pretty normal. It feels enormously unfair and your hormones are up the spout, just to really rub things in.

I had a mc in January (just as my SIL announced her pregnancy with a due date within days of mine). I found it incredibly difficult to deal with and felt enormous bitterness and sadness at anyone's happy news. As it had taken me 3 years to have DS, I felt like there was no hope for me.

Thing improved for me after 4-5 months when I managed to have some enjoyable times doing some stuff I couldn't have done while pregnant. My body got back to normal on the outside. And it eased up a little. I was able to hear about pregnancies and feel a bit happy for people again.

I got pregnant a while after that. I'm now 13 weeks and still so scared that I haven't told anyone except DH. I'm almost in denial to myself so I can't ever get so hurt again. So I'm being bonkers about this pregnancy as well as the lost one.

Hope you feel better soon OP. It is such a horrible hard time when you lose a baby and I think it's fair to feel pretty bitter for a while.

purple84 Tue 11-Sep-12 12:16:51

Yep I defo need to join this train...............I am so low at the moment. Absolutely fed up with all new pregnancies (especially those fooking "accidents")
I had my first mmc in Aug 2011 and another 3 since, so not only has my first due date been and gone but so has my second!!
I have had to de activate fb as it was getting too regular and it would just set me off.
DP and I are currently not ttc as we have booked our wedding for June 2013, so don't want to be heavily preggers on big day.(as if that would even happen for me!!!)
But I am also now resenting the waiting....as if I haven't waited long enough.

Good luck to everyone struggling.

cartoonface Tue 11-Sep-12 17:30:31

Oh purple I'm also having to delay because of our wedding in may next year its awful isn't it. I know its better to wait at least a couple of cycles now but I hate it.
I set my face book so as pregnant friends updates wouldn't show on my news feed. Especially the old school friend who's due around the same time as my first. The due date is very close now cant believe it.
purple sorry this has happened to u too. Do you have any reasons? Do u know why its happened?

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