Anyone have any advice for me?

[fabnforty]

i have three beautiful boys and have been trying for a very much wanted fourth and last to complete our family.Sadly I had a miscarriage when i was 12 weeks (baby only 7 week size) and a d+c in March and this week have just lost another at 6 weeks. Feel absolute despair. I am 40 and am wondering is someone trying to tell me that I am too old now. Have done the usual and googled the stats so now fear the odds are against me having a healthy pregnancy. Had felt real optimism that this time would be ok. Now feel crushed and need advice whether to try again or throw the towel in. Help anyone?

[Irishmammybread]

Hi fab, so sorry to hear of your losses, it is devastating going through miscarriage,and when you've had three normal pregnancies before it's a shock when something goes wrong.
I'm 44 with three kids, DS 19,DD1 12,DD2 8 and also had a miscarriage in March at 11 weeks. We debated whether to try again, I had an AMH test to check ovarian reserve and it came back as low but good for someone of my age so we ttc after my first AF and I got pregnant again but miscarried at 6 weeks early June.
This week I've had a BFP again and am now 5 weeks pregnant. I'm feeling very worried about every cramp and twinge and feel a whole mixture of emotions because I'm still grieving for my last two losses but desperately hoping this is a sticky bean!
The doctor said miscarriages are very common, it's not unusual to have a few and I shouldn't be more of a risk for MC this time, though he has booked me in with a midwife nxt week and hopefully I can have an early scan.
I realize a BFP isn't necessarily going to mean a successful pregnancy and at my age the quality of the eggs could be a factor but for me personally, I felt I would regret more not trying and wondering if we could have had another baby than suffering a loss again. Having said that I don't know how much more I could take if we lose another.
I know I'm lucky to have three lovely kids already but it doesn't stop you missing those you've lost and longing for a baby to hold.
There's a 40+ thread on the conception page with lots of inspirational ladies who have suffered losses but gone on to have babies.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

[funchum8am]

I have had two MCs (both at 6/7 weeks) aged 32/33 and am now 30 weeks with our third time lucky baby. MC can happen at any age and while it is more common over 40 it doesn't mean you can't go on and have your much-wanted fourth child. You do need to consider whether you feel you can go through the trauma of MC again but it's amazing how much the suffering they cause pales once you are past 12 weeks with a next, more sticky, pregnancy (though of course you're never really safe til you have a baby in your arms...and even then!) If you're that keen for a fourth then keep trying but as you will know only too well, it's hard to celebrate a pregnancy after miscarriage until way past the danger zone. GOOD LUCK!

[fabnforty]

Thanks Irishmammy and funchum can't tell how good it feels to have people rooting for you and understanding how you feel!Feel better already. Fingers crossed for you Irishmammy, we have a lot in common so keep me posted and sit tight! congrats and good luck to you funchum not long for you now!I have the post mc scan tomorrow so just need to get that over with. Just feels like a rollercoaster. You invest so much don't you, watch what you eat, drink etc not to mention cost of bloody pregnacare tablets!Will look at 40+thread for more inspiration. Lovely to hear from you xxx

[lotsofcheese]

Hello, another 40 year old here in a similar situation. Had 2 m/c in a year, DS is 3.5 & we would love him to have a brother or sister. I have wondered if mother nature is trying to tell me something too. It has been pretty hellish & I'm not feeling the strongest emotionally just now, understandably.

The conclusion I have come to, after lots of soul-searching, is to try again, but have very low expectations & try to take the miscarriages "on the chin" as it were. I know I can get pregnant fairly easily, but will put some kind of boundary on things, as I cannot keep putting myself through this.

I'm not sure if that helps, but I wanted to say that I understand xxxx

[fabnforty]

hiya, lotsof. it is hell, yes. Thanks for understanding. I think I'm coming round to thinking like you and have low expectations but isn't it hard. So hard when you get a faint line not for your mind to steam ahead and dream and make plans. I always think it takes a moment to have those thoughts and much longer to unravel them again. It takes a lot of courage to try again after one mc, so now after another I feel I'm really having to dig deep to be optimistic.Whats gonna take the most courage is if/when we decide to stop trying. We had set ourselves a timespan but had expected not being able to get pregnant if anything, not losing them, so makes it more tempting to keep on going. Like you though, feel takes a huge toll and affects everyone so can't try forever. How on earth do you know when to call it a day?Just hope I will know. Thanks so much for support. Nice feeling knowing someone ou there understands as its a lonely business miscarriage xxx

[lotsofcheese]

I know exactly what you mean, especially re: stopping trying. I am not sure if I can get my head round that one at all. I can't seem to let it go, even in the face of logic & common sense. I am unable to move on at all from that one at the moment.

And how I would cope psychologically with being pregnant again is another issue. I was really struggling this last time; perhaps I've under-estimated how hard it will be again.

Last time I had hope, a bit of "third time lucky" & had a good scan at 8+5, which gave me false confidence - only for everything to come crashing down 3 weeks later.

It's an awful thing not to have hope, but maybe that's the best way to approach it.

Anyway, I've depressed myself thoroughly now, so it's time to sign off

[fabnforty]

Hiya lotsof. How you feeling this morning?I have been for my post mc scan this morning. Same room, same info different faces! Given same leaflet and had same robotic mechanical answers!you gotta laugh! Bonus was that its 1 in 4 for 40 yr olds and 20 yr old (they say) just down to luck. They certainly weren't sending me home saying you have no chance love!So here I go again it feels. Hubbie v.supportive will go either way I want. Think am edging towards the try and have hope side of things.Seems worse to give up until I feel I've had a damn good try which I feel I haven't fully done yet.

[lotsofcheese]

Evening, I am much more positive today thank you for asking. I guess it's early days since my last m/c & I'm still a bit up & down.

We've started trying again, I suppose it's like falling off a bike - you just get back on. And I'm of the mindset that waiting a few more months won't help me find the 1st trimester any easier next time.

I guess the last time I didn't expect a m/c - whereas next time I wouldn't expect NOT to have one - I think this mindset will help me a little.

And I am very lucky that I get pregnant so easily - so there's lots of positives.

How are you doing yourself? Xx

[fabnforty]

Morning, I'm ok.Got a very busy last week of school activities to keep me going. Don't feel too bad this time, last time at 12 weeks was far worse for me. Feel philosophical about it now. I have always been worried won't get preg but seen as have managed it twice in 6 months hope will happen again without too much waiting. I agree no point waiting just got to get on with it!Midwife at clinic told me no reason it won't happen. Only reservation is that it can sometimes feel like your life is on hold, so must try not to become obsessed!I have two part time jobs and the three boys to keep me busy, so its a blessing really. My youngest is 3.5 too!

[lotsofcheese]

Well, here's to moving forward! I've got a blood test tomorrow & then we can have a proper try at TTC.

However, my cycle has been totally thrown off by the m/c - had AF 12 days ago, then it stopped & has started again - so who knows what's going on.

I'm pretty keen to get started & just wish my cycle would re-boot properly: it normally runs like clockwork.

So, onwards & upwards xxx

[fabnforty]

Good luck. Sure your cycle will sort itself out in a few weeks when hormones settle. Frustrating when you just want to start trying again though. Keep in touch with your progress, it has been such a support having someone who understands,thanks xx