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44 years old,2 recent miscarriages, ttc, am I crazy?

(18 Posts)
Irishmammybread Sat 16-Jun-12 23:29:11

Hi,just wondering if anyone is in a similar situation to me or can offer any reassurance/or a reality check! An unplanned pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 11 weeks in March. We were devastated,having thought that chapter in our lives was over(we have DS 19yo,DD1 12yo,DD 8yo ) we had really been looking forward to a new addition to our family. It's an emotional rollercoaster,a mixture of grief for the little life lost and an overwhelming desire to be pregnant again.After my first AF we started ttc again,fell pregnant immediately but I had another miscarriage last weekend. Now I'm an emotional wreck, don't know if we should continue to ttc,are we just setting ourselves up for repeated heartache? I know my age is against me but the "empty arm syndrome" and intensity of longing for a baby is unbelievable.

lotsofcheese Sun 17-Jun-12 09:05:31

It's crap, isn't it? I'm in a similar situation: age 40, 1st miscarriage last year was a molar pregnancy, 2nd miscarriage this month @ 11 weeks.

I have DS age 3, he was born at 29 weeks due to severe PE. In this last m/c, my bloods were showing signs of PE at 10 weeks, think I was going to get it again sad

I think mother nature is trying to tell me something. I also wonder about my ability to let go of having another child, as it goes so much against any rationale, sense or logical reasoning. I'm in this terrible limbo, as we would both love another baby. And ironically, I get pregnant very easily.

Am waiting on pathology, blood tests & seeing the consultant again. That should help with decision-making. I need to move on in some way.

I hope we can both find some peace of mind xx

kittykatsforever Sun 17-Jun-12 13:57:57

Hi Irish, so sorry for your loss, it's all very fresh and raw at the minute, I'm in the same position, mc 4 wks ago and the desire to become pg so overwhelming!
I think because you said your first mc was unplanned I'd maybe wait a few months to let your head clear, i think the desire hits everyone but even as the weeks have gone on my head is not as crazy as it was with the must be pg NOW thoughts, after a few months sit down and decide with dh is this definatly what we want, do we want to start this chapter again..... I think a few months will alow you to analyse it differently and if the answer is yes, there's nothing wrong with trying again, unfortunatly age is an issue in mc but it sounds like you are fertile and have had normal pregnancies so there's nothing to suggest that it won't be the case again x

marriednotdead Sun 17-Jun-12 14:02:54

Am sorry to hear you're going through such hard times.

A positive outcome story for you. Ex's sis had 3 miscarriages in 18 months. Had her beautiful DD 3 months ago. She's 44.

Only you can decide if you want to continue trying. Good luck whatever you decide.

rufusnine Sun 17-Jun-12 19:36:31

my unplanned 3rd dd was born when i was 44 and 10 months - i can't imagine life without her now - 9 years later!

Irishmammybread Mon 18-Jun-12 13:22:09

Thank you all for your responses.

lotsofcheese and kittykatsforever, so sorry to hear of your losses too. I thought I'd been through some pretty tough times in the past but nothing that compares to the devastation of pregnancy loss. It's a heartbreaking time.

lotsofcheese, I know what you mean about loss of rational thinking, I used to be quite a sane,sensible person a few months ago!
I know I'm lucky to have three children already, especially when some women can't have any, but it feels like there's a little babyshaped piece missing from our family.
I hope you get some good results from your tests.
I had an AMH blood test to check ovarian reserve after my first miscarriage and was told that though low, it was a good result for someone my age. My problem is that even though there are still some eggs there I don't know how good quality they are.

kittykatsforever, I take your point about waiting a while before deciding about trying again and if we were younger we definitely would but my worry is that I may have such a limited time left when I could concieve that I could miss that small window of opportunity.

marriednotdead and rufusnine, great to hear your positive stories, it gives me hope!

I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply,especailly as we haven't told many people about this miscarriage. We hadn't told anyone I was pregnant before it started to go wrong and we wanted to spare the kids/rest of family any further heartache.Not being able to talk about it has made me feel quite alone so thanks again.

kittykatsforever Mon 18-Jun-12 14:54:12

Bless you Irish, you can feel your devestation!
I wouldn't worry too much about time, I hear what your saying about time but I ment just a month or so, it seems like you can get pg quite easily and you obviously are in good shape, for the sake of a unbiased decision I don't think a few months will make much difference.
I may be totally wrong and don't mean to offend it was just as you put the first was unplanned and like most I think you embraced it and looked forward to the joy of a new baby and with that situation it is the best thing to do but I think you do need to let time pass and really decide that before you got pg, did you really want another, you do have 3 obviously lovely healthy children and with age does come more risk of mc and problems, obviously this is no guarantee of problems but something you still need to think about, I say this only as I've experienced that longing since mc and it's not like a normal thought its almost like a possession of your mind!
Good luck with whatever you decide x

randomimposter Tue 19-Jun-12 06:58:58

Just to say I'm 44 and 24 weeks pregnant with DC2 after 5 miscarriages in 3 years, 3 missed MCs around 12 weeks and then 2 early MCs.

If you look in the conception section at the 40+ thread there are a number of women in a similar place to you, and a number of success stories to encourage you.

But there's no getting away from the face that TTC in your 40s is more complicated, and statistically more likely to end in MC. I won't pretend it's been easy getting to today for me, but I felt I really owed to DS1 (just turned 4) to keep trying.

FWIW I took DHEA for about 8 months which may have had a positive impact on my egg quality (which was behind all my MCs). Or this one may just have been lucky.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

clairebear40 Tue 19-Jun-12 07:52:48

Oh Irish I could have more or less written this post myself - I too had an unplanned pregnancy which sadly ended in a m/c in March also. I have 2 dd age 15 & 12 so really thought my family was completed a long time ago so much so my dh had 'the snip' 2 days before I started to m/c (planned way before the pregnancy) I totally understand your need to be preg again but just wanted to say I also was hell bent on getting preg again but sadly it hasn't happened - I guess the 'snip' hasn't helped ;) but now after almost 13 weeks and a lovely family holiday I feel that maybe it's not the 'be all and end all' and to just enjoy the lovely family I do have. It still hurts like mad and there will be days and dates that are going to be hard but in the long term this is the right choice for me.

Good luck with whatever you decide as ultimately its only you that can make that decision.

willitbe Tue 19-Jun-12 20:22:10

Irish - I will pm you, but wanted to say I really can understand. I have 3 wonderful children, am 44 and ttc, but since my last child I have had 11 miscarriages...... nature really is shouting at me to give up, but I can't right now. My AMH test is low but good for my age like yours. I am no longer focussed on it as the "be all and end all", and feel I have the empty arm syndrome under control (except immediately after a m/c). But the miscarriages have not convinced me to start using contraception. I keep wondering if there is a little miracle baby out there for me. I am now at the stage where, I no longer think that getting pregnant will mean a baby, but the hope is always there that just maybe this time.

Only you can decide if you could face another m/c in the process of trying again? Take time if you need to, but whatever you do, do allow yourself time to grieve for the babies you have saddly lost. Sorry you are going through this.

Jules125 Tue 19-Jun-12 22:13:04

am so sorry to hear this. Although I was a bit younger than you, my first pregnancy ended with stillbirth at 26 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia, then I had two early miscarriages.

I did think that maybe I should give it up after that ( 3 losses within a year) - I was utterly miserable and still devastated by the loss of my first DD. But I had my first successful full-term pregnancy a few months later (Aged 39, DD2 now 18 months) and am now 18 weeks pregnant (Aged 41).

Sadly, even just being a few years older does make things harder for you but I think that if you are getting pregnant easily (which you are) there is still hope for you. Basically I'm trying to say in the best way I can don't give up if you really want another child and can accept the real possibility of more miscarriages along the way.

I think you are right that at this age waiting (even a short time) does reduce your chances. After my losses, I would have liked some time away from it all, but felt that if I didn't just keep trying I might well end up childless and regret it later on. A really difficult call to make and am thinking of you....

Munchin Tue 19-Jun-12 22:46:16

So sorry to hear about your loss Irish and to everyone else who has had a loss.
I too had a mmc 8 weeks ago and I am aged 40. I have 2 dc and I know I am very lucky But we had decided we would like one more. Like you all my thoughts on ttc again go from defo yes to it's not a good idea, what if mc again, was it natures way of saying give it up???? But whatever decision you come to you have to be happy with and able to live with it as we don't have luxury to change our minds in a couple of years time. So totally understand how hard a decision this is for you.

randomimposter Wed 20-Jun-12 08:57:35

willitbe, do I know you better as an Irish lass? xx

willitbe Wed 20-Jun-12 13:12:45

jollster - yep you got me wink, do you like my new name!

randomimposter Wed 20-Jun-12 13:59:21

I do my love - I admire you greatly. I know you have 3 gorgeous cherubs but I too know your need for another. I so hope you get your happy ending whatever that looks like x

Irishmammybread Thu 21-Jun-12 10:30:22

kittykats, I know what you mean about the desire for a baby to be like a possession of the mind... I am that "woman possessed"!

jollster,congratulations on your pregnancy!
Can I ask what DHEA is?
I've checked out the 40+ thread as you suggested, there are some inspirational stories on there from some very strong and brave women.

clairebear, so sorry to hear you've had a recent MC too.
I know what you mean about dates,my midwife appointments arrived in the post recently and even though I knew what it was I couldn't help opening the envelope to look at the scan date. I also have 2 due dates, Oct and Feb,but if I hadn't lost the first baby I couldn't have conceived the second, very confusing emotionally.
I'm glad you feel there's hope of coming to terms with things and you're right, it does help having a loving family around you.

jules,congrats and thanks for the encouragement!

munchin, so sorry to hear of your loss.
It is hard to know what would bring more heartache, trying again and losing another pregnancy or the regret of what might have been.
From reading people's experiences it seems a lot of women have multiple losses but still go on to have successful pregnancies,though obviously some don't.
We went to move our DS out of his University accomodation yesterday,I don't think the room had been vaccumed or cleaned properly since last Oct,total chaos .As we sorted it all out for him I had a moment of "do I still want to be doing this in another 18yrs".......but I thought actually, yes I do!
So for now I'm thinking we're going to go for it, fingers crossed!

rufusnine Thu 21-Jun-12 17:17:54

Good luck and best wishes x

user1493299527 Sun 14-May-17 10:17:32

Hi there, I know this is an old post - I wondered if you managed to conceive? I'm 44 with 4 older children, had an unplanned ectopic and then a planned miscarriage. Should I keep trying for a little baby?

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