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Just had 12 week scan, baby died at 8 weeks, what next ?

(462 Posts)
HaveToWearHeels Wed 04-Jan-12 14:03:07

no heartbeat and baby measuring 8 weeks. I am so shocked as we had scan at 6 weeks due to previous ectopic and all was in the right place, have had no pains, no bleeding and was still having sickness until 2 weeks ago.

Scan lady was lovely and made appointment for me to go back to discuss my options with doctor. Obviously I have been carrying a dead baby around in me for 4 weeks which I just can't compute at the moment sad What can I expect tomorrow ? I would like to arm myself with as much info as possible.

On the emotional side I am a mess. I have DD who is 2 and I desperatley what her to have have a sibling, but at nearly 42 and one tube this now seems like a distant dream. I somehow feel that I was the custodian of this baby for me and DH and I have failed.

GwendolineMaryLacey Fri 06-Jan-12 08:26:02

Sorry for all your losses, I should have said. Many hugs to everyone going through it sad xx

bonzo77 Fri 06-Jan-12 11:28:24

havetowearheels thinking of you today. I'm recovering well, can't believe how straightforward its been. Physically fine, with a little bleeding, absolutely no pain. The hospital called this morning to check I was feeling OK! Have just ordered my OPKs and signed back up to fertility friend as Dr said we can have sex in 2 weeks. Counting the days!!!

HaveToWearHeels Fri 06-Jan-12 21:43:20

Evening Ladies, I am back and seem pretty fine physically. No pain, little bleeding and no effects of the anaesthetic, infact I made DH stop of at Kentuky on the way home as I was starving, two slices of toast since 8pm yesterday and I was starving.

I did have a bit of an emotional time in the hospital when the thought of my baby actually going really upset me. I then had to think back to my notes which showed crown to rump measurment of 1.7cm which clearly was not good at 12 weeks.

Hospital was wonderful, really lovely and got to read half my new book as I got there at 10am and went down at to theater at 3.45pm (last of the day), then they wouldn't let me go until 8pm.

Now need to move on with my wife and hopefully start trying again.

Thanks for your thoughts Gwen, you really do need closure don't you and I think ERPC speeds that up.

shomes hope you had an OK day at work, and that things are not too painfull, I really feel for you having to go this route. Hope you have an OK birthday and have a wine to make you feel a bit better, maybe a takeaway and movie in front of the telly is the way to go. Oh and a cuddle with your DS is always a good tonic.

Loublou hope you are doing OK and not in too much discomfort. I felt the same as you today, didn't want my precious baby to be gone, but knew it had to happen for us to move on as family. Feel a bit empty tonight sad

HaveToWearHeels Fri 06-Jan-12 21:47:54

bonzo thanks for your thoughts, glad to here you are on the mend and looking forward to trying again, hopefully this time next year we will all be holding a little bundle smile
I just need to convince DH that it is a good idea at 41 to try for another baby smile

AwayWithTheFaries Fri 06-Jan-12 22:00:11

hi havetowearheels been thinking of you glad all went well and your ok i had no pain either after to op x

loubloutwinmum Fri 06-Jan-12 22:39:43

Heels so glad it went well today or as well as something so awful can. Glad at least you aren't feeling too bad physically & very glad the hospital were kind & sensitive. 41 is nothing these days, plenty of time left.

I'm OK, bleeding but not that much yet but in quite a bit of pain. My lovely Mum has been here today looking after me which has been really nice. I am dreading this weekend but just hoping it won't be as horrendous as I am expecting. Think I want to try again but need to let hormone levels settle before I make a decision & convince my DH of course! It so shit isn't it, just want to go back a few weeks to that lovely place!

Shomes hope you are doing ok, I know it is awful but be strong.

loubloutwinmum Fri 06-Jan-12 22:41:29

Bonzo glad you are doing well & good luck with TTC again, hope it happens quickly ( you know what I mean) xx

SwanseaMum Fri 06-Jan-12 22:44:42

Hi am so sorry for all of your losses. I am breaking my heart reading them but it feels kind of good to know that I am not alone.
I am 2 weeks post d&c I was 11weeks and 5 days I had less than a week till my 12week scan. Worse of all was that i had seen my baby's heart beat in an early scan I was 6weeks then. I had a silent mc a week later. I still felt pregnant. my hips started to hurt and I felt sick all the time. I started bleeding on Wednesday. My mw managed to get me a scan in epu on Friday 23rd of December. I was given the usual options but I couldn't go through Christmas waiting to pass what had been such a big pof my life. I was take down to theatre the same day. I didn't know what to expect. I bled for nearly 9days and the cramps were terrible. I have to boys who have been the only thing that has kept me going. I haven't r had time to grieve my loss so I am not doing so good.
I hope we can all find some inner peace.

bonzo77 Fri 06-Jan-12 23:07:21

heels please to hear you are recovering physically, I definitely feel better mentally knowing that I can move on with life.

lou if you are in lots of pain you can get stronger pain relief. Mine all kicked off on 23rd Dec and the out of hours Dr faxed a script for codeine to a local all night pharmacy, which I could then collect immediately. If you can, try to get that organized before the pain gets any worse, it made it much easier to cope with physically, and also gave me the sense of sleepiness, calmness and dissociation that opiates provide very well.

swansea your experience sounds so sad. I had thought that when I get pregnant again I would want an 8 week scan. But to have seen it was OK, then lose it would be awful too. But maybe not as bad as getting to the 12 week scan and finding out. Which is what would have happened to me if I had waited (my scan was booked for the afternoon, but I had bleeding and arranged a scan in the morning). It was good that you had the option of the ERPC before xmas. I would have done the same if it had been available for me.

HaveToWearHeels Fri 06-Jan-12 23:10:15

Swansea sorry to hear your sad news but even sadder that you still seem to be in a bad place. You are not along, we are all hear if you need to talk things through. Shomes and Loublou were on the July Due date thread together and have sadly found ourselves reunited over here.
I too had an ealy scan and felt completely reassured by it as you did. I also continued to feel pregnant with nausea subsiding when I was about 11 weeks so had no idea this had happened.

Sounds like you also had a tough time after the ERPC which probably hasn't helped the healing process for you and also the time of year when you had to be chipper for your boys. Please take time to grieve for your loss, your little ones will be understanding, my DD is 2 so doesn't understand but knows mummy is sad and needs cuddles.

loublou sorry to hear you are in pain, what are you taking, hospital advised parcetamol and codiene.
Maybe when the time is right (should you decide to try again) we can exchange manipulation tac tics for our DH's.

Hope you manage some sleep tonight, will check in with you all tomorrow.

barkwithnobite Fri 06-Jan-12 23:10:41

So sorry to hear this xxxx

Bubbaloo Fri 06-Jan-12 23:40:49

My heart goes out to all of you.I was also on the July thread,started bleeding on Boxing Day and had a mc in the early hours of New Years Day.
I was exactly 10 weeks pg and after having 2 successful pregnancies,assumed all was well with this one too sad
I am still bleeding but have had a scan and was told everything has now passed.Hopefully the bleeding will stop soon.
Dh and I are also keen to start ttc again soon,as I'm I'll be 39 next birthday and dh is already in his 40's.
I don't post very often,but wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you all-life can be so cruel sometimes xx

loubloutwinmum Fri 06-Jan-12 23:58:23

Swanseamum so sorry to hear what you are going through at the moment too. Wish I could say something to help but keep talking on here & hopefully we can all help each other.

bonzo got some codeine on the go already & hot water bottles are helping, thanks.

bubbaloo so sorry you have found yourself here too, it is just beyond shit! I am 38 next b'day so now how you feel but there is no rhyme or reason to this, I had a M/C at 26 too! I was starting to think I will be thankful for my two girls & let it go but I really don't think I can. I know the next pregnancy will be hard, but not trying again will be much harder as I will always wonder, what if!!

Herls we can def exchange tactics for using on our DH, I'm sure 2 very smart ladies like us will come up with a master plan!

Drugged up & going to try & sleep for a while! Hope you are all doing ok ladies.

HaveToWearHeels Sat 07-Jan-12 14:32:55

Just checking in. Just went to the hairdressers DH dropped me off and I walked back only about 1/2 mile on the flat but I am feeling it now sad oh well DD is asleep so can stick my feet up for a bit. Other than that feeling fine.

Bubbaloo sorry you find yourself here too. Even more sorry you are still suffering. Good luck with rtying again at least you have a partner that agrees at this point smile I had an ectopic and lost a tube in Dec 2008 and was happliy waiting for periods to return, In February I started to feel a bit sick so did a test and I was pregnant (8 weeks lol) turns out I must have conceived 8 days after I had the operation. Hopefully things will be as quick for you. DD was born 8 weeks after my first DD so it took my mind off it a little.

Loublou sorry you are still in pain sad hopefully it will pass soon x

Redbird12 Sat 07-Jan-12 15:28:58

Glad to have found this thread. I had my 1st scan this morning and could see baby but no heartbeat. It was so upsetting as I haven't had any signs, a couple of days with some cramping but midwife said it was nothing to worry about so I was feeling fairly positive about the scan and now have to accept there is no baby although it is still inside me.

I have been told to go to doctor's Monday morning and they will refer me to the hospital same day to discuss options. I really don't want to wait for natural mc not knowing when it will happen & now knowing baby has been dead inside me for the last 3-4 weeks already.

I was waiting until after the scan to tell work I was pregnant now I am having to tell & 'untell' them at the same time as need to explain why I won't be in Monday. Does anyone know how long am i likely to need off work if i have ERPC - would it be just a couple of days or more like a week or 2? I know i shouldn't be worrying about work at this time but I am covering for other people myself at the moment and have a big presentation coming up & I'd just like to know what to expect.

Thank you for all the advice I have seen already reading through this thread, hope everyone else is doing ok, sorry to be joining you in this sad place but glad of the support thanks

loubloutwinmum Sat 07-Jan-12 15:29:54

Heels glad you are feeling ok but take it easy for the rest of the day & put your feet up for while.

I'm not having a great day today, bleeding tapered off & I just want to feel there is an end in sight. Feeling really low & very tearful, wasn't so bad yesterday but today I feel so much worse! DH struggling today too, I know he is very worried about me. Girls are being very good & I'm getting lots of cuddles but one of them has a stinking cold & cough, poor thing! Have a good afternoon Heels & thinking of you too Shomes & Bubbaloo. Hope you are both doing ok bonzo & Swansea?

loubloutwinmum Sat 07-Jan-12 15:40:06

redbird so very sorry you are here too. I am playing the waiting game & hoping things would happen naturally for me before being rescanned Tues but not much is happening! You will see Heels had ERPC yesterday so she is better placed to advise. From what I've read everyone is different & their bodies react in different ways, some recover very quickly while others take a few weeks. I am sorry, that isn't much help. The emotional side of things is harder to predict. I've missed 2 days of work this week & won't be at work next week so will have to get a certificate. So sorry again for what you are going through, keep talking on here & take care, hope you have lots of supprt in RL.

HaveToWearHeels Sat 07-Jan-12 15:42:26

Redbird so sorry you find yourself on this thread. I know exatley how you are feeling and I too understand that you don't want to go the natural route.

The information the hospital gave me was to rest for 48 hours and see how it goes. They recommended I have a week off as bleeding should have stopped completely by then. saying that mine was done late yesterday afternoon and so far I have only had light bleeding sort of like last day of a period. Please remember though that there is not just the physical healing, you have to mourn your little baby and take time for you. I know some people would feel better at work, keeping occupied, so that is up to you. I am going to have next week off and spend some time with my daughter.

If you want to know anymore about my ERPC please let me know, I will be happy to provide you with what to expect although I expect all hospitals are different.

Thinking of you

bonzo77 Sat 07-Jan-12 15:48:09

redbird I had the ERPC on thursday (48 hrs ago). I have felt fine, physically ever since. Bleeding has nearly stopped and no pain at all. Am horseriding tomorrow, and will be back at work on wednesday (would be back monday but work PT). That's how quickly I'm getting over it. But 1. we all recover differently 2. your situation might be different in terms of the surgery. 3. you might need longer psychologically. I would say get a week off absolute minimum for the physical side alone, but you could need much longer. I'm rather shock at the process they are asking you to go through. The midwife should be able to refer you directly to EPU. Can you self refer? Ours operates a walk in clinic. A GP visit will delay things. Where are you?

lou sorry to hear you are having a down day, there's not much I can say, just that hopefully with time you will just feel better. It's lovely that your family are supportive.

heels pleased you got out for some pampering, even if it did take it out of you for a while. Once my mmc had been diagnosed I had a big hair re-do. Definitely made me feel a bit better somehow. Not sure how work will react though!

swansea how are you doing today? I'm sure your boys are keeping you busy, if not your mind off things. thinking of you.

shomes Sat 07-Jan-12 15:51:18

Heels and Loublou----thanks for all your positive comments and reassurance, i'm dreading the next scan when they tell us whats really going on unless I have more bleedingin the meantime and that will self confirm.

Been to ikea today to buy some bits for the house which made me feel a bit better but like you all felt the uncertainty is awful.

Hope you all cope with the pain and get lots of cuddles, try to keep smiling, i'm sure we will all be ok within time xxxx

Redbird12 Sat 07-Jan-12 15:56:43

Thanks so much for your prompt responses and kind words loublou and heels. It was so hard having to tell family today when they were all texting/calling excited to ask about the scan. I knew mc was common but associated it more with bleeding not finding out from a scan so feel a bit in shock as not what I was expecting. Whilst it's not good that it's happened to others as well, it does help to hear from other people who have gone through the same thing.

Can I ask how your DH's handled it? I do feel sorry for DH, he is trying to be strong for me but is obviously so cut up as well, he has had to go to work this afternoon and I know he really didn't want to but couldn't find anyone to cover for him.

Heels a couple of questions about ERPC, do you think they will do this same day i go to the hospital, they said they would re-scan me 1st to be 100% sure there was definitely no heartbeat but were pretty certain. Is there anything you advise taking with me to the hospital as not sure how long I'll be there? Lastly, a question for anyone who may have gone private, I have BUPA through work which does covers this kind of thing, the NHS and BUPA hospitals are next to each other, have to pay £100 initally to use BUPA (one off yearly charge) - do you think it is worth it or will NHS & BUPA care be pretty similar in this case?

Thanks for all your help

Redbird12 Sat 07-Jan-12 16:00:35

bonzo77 sorry x -post. I had a private scan at 10 weeks, assume this is why they can't refer me directly & told me to see own GP first. However, will investigate whether i can self refer to EPU. Nearest hospitals to me are Northampton & Banbury.

loubloutwinmum Sat 07-Jan-12 16:07:46

redbird my DH is struggling, he had to go into work for some of last week & I felt so sorry for him trying to carry on! I am being rescanned Tues & was told I would be referred to larger hospital (one in our town is small but have scan there). So I doubt I will be able to have ERPC same day but every hospital is different. Was this your first pregnancy? Are you planning on TTC again?

Thanks for your support Bonzo you have been so supportive & given some great advice despite being on this horrendous rollercoaster yourself so it is much appreciated.

Glad you have got out the house Shomes, it does you good to keep busy. I'm a bit house bound as bleeding stopping & starting & scared if I'm out the floodgates might open, so to speak. I am snuggling with DD who is bit poorly watching Jurassic Park!

HaveToWearHeels Sat 07-Jan-12 18:32:53

Redbird I had scan on Wednesday and they said I could go straight to EPU, but as I wasn't technically an emergacy I may be waiting around. In the end I decided to make an appointment for next day to speak to consultant, she gave me my options and booked me in for ERPC the next day, Friday. so within 48 hours of scan I was in.
You will probably be in as a day patient, go in in the mrning and be home by the evening providing you have someone at home with you.
I had to take dressing gown and slippers and also some maternity sanitary towels. Also take a good book as there is lots of waiting. I got there at 10am and went down for op at 3.45pm. At about 12 doctor came round and inserted some tablets to soften my cervix then I had to stay in bed for about 1/2 hour. Recovery was quick and DH picked me up 8pm.

DH is struggling a bit, hard to read him really as he doesn't show his emotions much due to a tough childhood, but I know he is really disappointed. We are both only children so he really wanted another. So they fact he is now not sure he wants to try again is enough to tell me he is upset.

To be honest I won't worry about Bupa, I have private medical and I don't think in cases like this it is really worth it unless they can't get yu booked in for a while for the ERPC, then you could looke into it. I was seen next day so there was point really.

Hope this helps and sorry for the long post.

SwanseaMum Sat 07-Jan-12 18:47:46

Red i am sorry you are here. I had erpc the same day that they scanned me but i was lucky in a sense cause they don't do routine surgery over Christmas which ment there was room for me sad

bonzo I am having a horrific day today my 6year old opened my front door and let my nearly 2year old out, we live on a busy road and my husband found him him just starting to get onto the drive holding his teddy. My 6yr old has speak and language difficulties so has no comprehension of danger. I only left the room for 2 mins.
I nearly lost 2 babies in as many weeks, its more than I can cope with . Would feel better if dh wasn't being so amazing saying it isn't my fault it doesnt make me feel any better. Had a melt down and put my arm through a glass door pane. I am physically fine couple scratches but my heart is breaking.
Gonna need something to help me sleep tonight sad

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