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Just had 12 week scan, baby died at 8 weeks, what next ?

(463 Posts)
HaveToWearHeels Wed 04-Jan-12 14:03:07

no heartbeat and baby measuring 8 weeks. I am so shocked as we had scan at 6 weeks due to previous ectopic and all was in the right place, have had no pains, no bleeding and was still having sickness until 2 weeks ago.

Scan lady was lovely and made appointment for me to go back to discuss my options with doctor. Obviously I have been carrying a dead baby around in me for 4 weeks which I just can't compute at the moment sad What can I expect tomorrow ? I would like to arm myself with as much info as possible.

On the emotional side I am a mess. I have DD who is 2 and I desperatley what her to have have a sibling, but at nearly 42 and one tube this now seems like a distant dream. I somehow feel that I was the custodian of this baby for me and DH and I have failed.

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sprinkles77 Wed 04-Jan-12 14:36:39

Didn't want to read and run. Very, very sorry for your loss, its awful, and I do understand about feeling like you've failed in the guardianship of this much wanted baby. I'm sure you know intellectually that there was nothing you could do differently. I'm going to say something than you might find a comfort, or you find is no comfort at all. The vast majority of miscarriages prior to 12 weeks are the result of a genetic abnormality that is not compatible with life. This is nature's shitty, shitty way of not putting you through a later MC, a still birth or a neonatal death. It's still fucking awful. I'm there too.

I have also had a MMC, diagnosed at 12 weeks, although mine was shown to be an anembryonic pregnancy. The options I was given were 1. let nature take it's course (could take 6 weeks or more, and hard to predict pain etc, cannot guarantee complete). 2. medical management (much quicker, could be very painful, cannot guarantee complete). 3 ERPC with general anaesthetic (quickest option, least painful, most likely to be complete, though not guaranteed, risk of surgical complications and of the anaesthetic).

Due to various delays I have been going the natural route for over 2 weeks. It has at times been very very painful and messy, and a scan showed that it is not complete. I could have had medical management last week, but as I also have a toddler to look after, I found the relative unpredictability of this unacceptable. The pain was pretty bad, and there would be much more to come with medical management. I have an appointment for ERPC tomorrow.

Tommy's is a charity that runs support groups for families who have suffered MC, still birth and I think neonatal deaths. You can google them. I found the NHS choices website useful, as well as this topic in talk on MN.

HTH, PM me any time.

HappyHippyChick Wed 04-Jan-12 14:44:07

So sorry to hear about your loss, I know there isn't anything I can say to make you feel better, but this wasn't your fault and nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome.

I had a similar situation except I started bleeding the day before my 12 week scan so had some warning. I had an ERPC which was quick and painless. I went in in the morning and was out in the afternoon. It was heartbreaking but all the staff in the hospital were lovely.

HaveToWearHeels Wed 04-Jan-12 14:53:06

0H Sprinkles you have made me cry again, thankyou so much for your reply. My heart is now breaking for you too, life is shite.

I do understand that the baby was probably not viable and this is really the best thing, but as I has absolutley so symptoms it has hit me sooo hard. As I had no symptoms my only fear today was the nuchual fold test, which I think may have come back high and I would have to had an amnio. Maybe nature took this out of my hands sad
Work have been fab and I can take as much time as I need.

You are very brave to go down the natural route, not sure I could. I think given the choice I may go for the ERPC. Like you the medical route isn't a good option I have a full time job and a toddler and thought of "putting your life on hold" as it were seems aweful. So unpredicatable sad

Once agian thankyou so much, it has helped so much.

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grippingon Wed 04-Jan-12 14:55:34

I can feel your pain and anguish, and I really hope I can help. I have had a missed miscarriage 3 years ago, 2 years ago I had a miscarriage again at 8 weeks. I then became pregnant again and now have a 10 month old baby. I am also over 40. I really hope this helps. When I was in your position I thought that I would never be able to stop crying, I remember the emptiness so very well. I hope you recover quickly.

HaveToWearHeels Wed 04-Jan-12 14:59:20

HippyChick Thankyoi for you kind words and so sorry for your loss.

I really am stearing towards the ERPC but will listen to all the advise provided tomorrow. This should have been such a happy day, I was so looking forward to showing DD her new sibling on the scan photo.

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sprinkles77 Wed 04-Jan-12 15:03:42

Not brave! Just had no choice because of all the bank holidays, but ERPC booked for tomorrow, so pleased it will be all over. Will update you once it's done!

HaveToWearHeels Wed 04-Jan-12 15:08:42

Thanks for kind words grippingon sorry for your loses but congratulations on your baby, it does give me hope thankyou.
We had the next 7 months all planned out and now that has all gone out of the window grin(

Sprinkles good luck for tomorrow I will be thinking of you.

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loubloutwinmum Wed 04-Jan-12 15:22:29

Oh heels I'm so sorry to hear that - we were on the July thread together but I left day before you & haven't been brave enough to go back so hadn't read your news! I'm really so sorry. I only had a day of tummy pain & brown discharge but knew when I was scanned it wasn't going to be good news. I am playing the waiting game, hoping things happen naturally! Hospital not given me much info, just a date for rescan next Tues!! I feel so in limbo & am just a mess emotionally. I'm lucky that my work have been great too so will take some time. I really feel for you Heels & hope you have a positive appt tom & get care & sensitivity from the professionals. My midwife has been great but hospital very matter of fact!

My girls (8) are staying with their grandparents after schl today until Fri - just struggling to hold it together & don't want them knowing. My DD asked me this morning if I was sad because DH had burnt the toast!! Here if you need to talk Heels, it is utter utter crap but hopefully us ladies can support each other.

HaveToWearHeels Wed 04-Jan-12 17:05:34

Loublou hello, wish I wasn't here.
So sorry you are still in limbo, did you request to go the natural route ?
My worry is I have had a dead baby in me for approx 4 weeks, could it be doing me any harm (for future pregnancies really).
I am a mess too and looking forward to cuddling DD when she gets in from the CM at 5.30.

I was so worried about Downs test, I didn't even think about this sad
I knew as soon as she scanned something was wrong, Baby was tiny.
Lady was lovely though, same lady as scanned me at 6 weeks and confirmed everything was in the right place. Must be aweful delivery such horrible news. She also had it confirmed by a colleague.

Will let you know what the hospital says tomorrow. Hope things speed up for you and aren't too painful. Take Care sad

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loubloutwinmum Wed 04-Jan-12 17:15:19

No Heels didn't request I go natural route, they just said that because baby was measuring correct for 6 weeks they had to give it every chance??? I was a bit taken aback & said I know my dates were right & DH & I haven't had sex in between (poor thing) as been feeling so rough. Even so they said I should go home & if I bleed to contact GP or go to A&E!! I would rather not go to A&E, my experience of that with last M/C was not a good one!

If nothing has happened for me tom, will prob contact midwife or GP. I will be thinking of you tom & hope cuddles with DD help. Xxxx

HaveToWearHeels Wed 04-Jan-12 17:50:21

Sounds very poor to me. I wouldn't be happy if I was you, that is a terrible way to be treated.
I am yet to find out how things will go for me tomorrow, I may be told the same thing, but I get the feeling not. Scan lady didn't want to go into it as she wasn't a doctor, but said I had "choices to discuss".
With my ectopic the hospital were bloody fantastic, so hoping this will be the same.
Cuddles with DD helped, I am so lucky but so want her to have a sibling.
Thinking of you too, I would speak to midwife tomorrow there must be more options for you.

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sprinkles77 Wed 04-Jan-12 21:10:14

loublou I was also advised to wait a week as theoretically the pregnancy could be 5 weeks rather than 12, so they ought to give it a chance, as it was a much wanted pregnancy. I also knew my dates and when we'd had sex since and knew it was impossible. The doctor said that she thought I was probably the most knowledgeable person on the subject, but that she had to follow protocol because if not we would always wonder if we'd done the right thing. So I have also had a defunct pregnancy inside me for probably about 2 months. I'm sure the risk of harm doing nothing is less than the consequences of acting too early, or they wouldn't risk it. It's sterile up there so the risk of infection is pretty low, unless you have had a lot of dilation, but if that has happened chances are most of the products have been passed I suppose.

loubloutwinmum Wed 04-Jan-12 22:14:34

Thanks Sprinkles that helps a lot. I understood what the hospital was saying but like you I am sure of my dates so the waiting is just horrible. Trying to function even remotely normally is impossible, how did you cope waiting a week? Did things then happen naturally? It is just so upsetting, I feel totally lost. Thanks for posting, talking on here is keeping me sane, just about!

shomes Thu 05-Jan-12 13:49:58

Hi Ladies, I recognise some of you from the july 2012 thread, I went for my scan today and all they could see we the sac and a very small blob like thing, she asked me if i could have my dates wrong but i don't think so> I should be 12 weeks and the sac is only measuring 6, i think the worst but am being scnned again on the 16th to make sure, feel a bit empty to be honest.

loubloutwinmum Thu 05-Jan-12 14:19:05

Oh Shomes I'm so sorry. We are in the same boat, I am waiting for rescan next Tues but I know baby has died. Did you have any bleeding or signs things weren't ok or was it a total shock? It is so awful isn't it & just being in this horrendous limbo land is unbearable. I spoke to my midwife today & she said I could make a fuss & insist they bring the scan forward as I am not coping emotionally (understatement)! I just don't know I can face making the call & being pushy as I feel so fragile. Hope you get through the next week Shomes, I know how awful it is & the uncertainty of what we have to face. Keep talking on here, it does help!

Heels been thinking of you, hope your appointment has been ok. Sending you lots of strength, we will get through this somehow. Xx

HaveToWearHeels Thu 05-Jan-12 17:12:17

On no shomes sorry to hear you have joined us over here on this sad thread sad Sounds like I have been a little bit luckier in the fact that I was scanned at 5+6 and was measuring exactly as that, so they do know my dates are correct.
I would hate to be going through what you and loublou are going through, must be so difficult as you are in limbo.

My appointment went well and they offered me Natural management or ERPC so I opted for the ERPC. Once that is over I can start to move on and hopefully convince DH to try again. At the moment he is not sure he wants to sad which I think I am finder harder to deal with as that is the only thing that is keeping me going.

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loubloutwinmum Thu 05-Jan-12 18:13:46

Heels glad you appt went well, when will you have the ERPC? I spoke to midwife at length today which helped a bit as I am clearer what will happen next Tues. Was also worried that if I started bleeding at home would have to go to hospital but she said if I can manage at home, there is no need.

Sorry your DH is unsure about trying again. My DH has been hit very hard by this but I haven't been brave enough to broach the subject with him yet. I am not 100% sure I can face going through this again, I know there is no reason for it to happen again but who knows! How are you feeling physically, no pain?

shomes Thu 05-Jan-12 18:14:12

I think that this feeling is the worst feeling I have ever had and to be honest the hardest day we have had since my FIL died two years ago. However as much as I am devastated i know i would rather know now than later on and i bless my lucky stars that I have a wonderful DS 3.9 that is a joy to have around and very sensitive. I am trying to carry on as normal but I know in my heart that my dates were right and the ultrasound was not normal so In a way i am already prepared for the worst. I really feel for you all also and it is so good to know other people are going through this too and that we are not alone.
Heres to feeeling better very soon xxx

bonzo77 Thu 05-Jan-12 20:10:06

loulou I ended up waiting 18 days between diagnosis and ERPC. The first week involved lots and lots of awful bleeding, cramps, clots etc. Scan then showed most of pg remained. Then next 10 days were v light spotting and no pain. I was very very sad when it was diagnoised. And had a terrible day of crying 4 days later (which coincided with the worst of the clots). But since then I have felt fine. Really OK. Just home from my ERPC, feeling fine, moderate very wet bleeding but no pain. HTH

HaveToWearHeels Thu 05-Jan-12 20:30:21

loublou go in tomorrow morning at 10am and should be able to go home around 6pm. Just been out and bought some maternity sanitary towels, which are in the baby section so had a little tear. Still no pain at all, it all seems a little sureal still.
I am sure I will be able to talk DH round, I think he is worrying about me more than anything. After the ectopic and now this.
Hope you have reasonable weekend and if something happens that it is managable for you and not too distressing.

Shomes the waiting must be dreadful, I really feel for you. I have been lucky and this time tomorrow it should all be well on the way to being over. Children really are a blessing at times like these aren't they, DD has be fab today. My Mum has her at our house today so when I got back from the hospital she was waiting to greet me. I think I have been more patient with her today rather than the stressfull, 2 hour tea, bath, bed routine, we had a lovely time and she went off no problem, which was wonderful.
It is good to know we are not alone, and I drink to that wine but I wish none of us were here.

bonzo77 Sorry you have been through this, no one should have to wait that long that's terrible. Hopefully by this time tomorrow I will be home and feeling OK too. Hope this is now the start of closure for you and you can start the healing process.

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loubloutwinmum Fri 06-Jan-12 00:28:57

Heels will be thinking of you tom & really hope it goes well & you are back home tom eve. I feel so bad for my DH as he feels so useless & like yours, is very protective so it is so difficult for them. I'm sure your DH will try again if it is what you want. You will be in my thoughts tom, good luck.

Shomes it is unbearable isn't it but like you am so thankful for my children, they get you through that is for sure.

Bonzo your experience sounds horrendous, glad you are ok after your procedure & I hope you can start to come to terms with it now & start moving forward, as hard as that will be! So sorry for what you've been through.

I have started bleeding this evening, very light & very pink & watery but things are happening. The best scenario for me is that I miscarry naturally, go back for scan Tues & everything is gone! That is so hard to type because I don't want it to be gone but know it has to happen one way or another!

giraffesCanGoFirstFootingOnNYE Fri 06-Jan-12 00:54:36

so sorry x

shomes Fri 06-Jan-12 08:13:54

I have a bit of pink and brown blood too when going to the toilet, so i'm sad to think it will probably happen anyway this weekend.Unfortunately its also the weekend of my 30th birthday so not such a good time. I'm going in to work today to try and stay normal but i'm not sure how that is going to go sad thinking of you all today and I hope soon we can all have that joyous pregnant feeling again however nervewracking it will be xx

GwendolineMaryLacey Fri 06-Jan-12 08:24:56

I'm so sorry sad

I had a mmc last January and remember only too well that trip to Boots for pads and paracetamol sad I opted for the ERPC as well and it really was the best thing. Physically over with very quickly and meant I could concentrate on mental healing.

I had been carrying a dead baby round for 5 weeks so know exactly what that thought does to your head. Good luck for today and take care of yourself x

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