Three months on and very angry

[toomanydinosaurs]

Hi everyone. I had a mmc back in July and at first I was completely devastated by the whole experience. I had a few weeks of feeling really down and sad, crying all the time, etc. Then, in time I started to feel normal and quite hopeful again and I thought I was coming out the other side. But for the past couple of weeks I've been really angry. Everywhere I go I see pregnant women, reminders of what could have been. I've already come across 4 women I know with what would have been my due date. It's just too much to bear. I have no one to talk to in RL as no one I know has been through this. I just want to feel normal again . Sorry, just realised there's no question really, I guess I just need to vent.
Thanks for reading.

[topsmart]

Hi toomanydinosaurs.
I know exactly how you feel. They're everywhere! Its like they're doing it on purpose just to piss me off! I know they're not really. But it does feel that way sometimes.
Is this your first? I've had a few. And the angry feelings fade each time. I guess it's just a normal part of grief, eh? Rest assured you're not alone.

[farfallarocks]

too its totally normal, I went completely nutso about 6 weeks after my MC having thought I was ok about it.
I was having panic attacks and started checking I had locked the door about a million times.

3 of my friends announced pregnancies, one with exactly my due date and my first thought was 'God you are a cow, you already have a baby'

I am of course delighted for her now and she has been wonderfully sensitive about it all (we both had a bit of a cry about it all together!)

What you are feeling is normal, you are not a bad person, you are experiencing a grief reaction and all the reminders of pregnancy and babies are just too much to deal me. I ended up taking myself off for a couple of sessions of therapy. We did a deep relaxation excercies (technically hypotism but not in a Paul McKennaish way) and I am fine now. Still sad but not in the same way. I have since had another MC and it was so much easier to deal with.

Take care of yourself and keep talking on here if you need to.

[CristinaaarghdellAaarghPizza]

I went through a long period of absolute fury after my initial grief too. It's really, really hard. There's lots of us on here who (sadly) have been exactly where you are so please rant and vent and rail away. Most of us know pretty much how you're feeling x

[toomanydinosaurs]

Thanks everybody for your responses. This isn't my first mc so I thought I was dealing pretty well until now. My first happened many years ago and at the time we weren't really in a position mentally or financially to look after a baby so eventually I came to the conclusion that it was probably for the best. But this time I feel it's so cruel that it's happened. My age is now against me and my DS is getting older so the potential age gap is getting bigger and bigger. I keep kicking myself for not having another child sooner. It's all just very hard.

[sooz3101]

I know how you feel,I had a mmc 2 weeks ago and my sister and sister in law are both pregnant,I cant seem to move for pregnant women! I do feel resentful towards them and then feel guilty for feeling like that!

But I also know what it feels like from the pregnant womans perspective as my best friend was pregnant and due the same time as me when I had my DD and she had a miscarriage at 22 weeks,I felt awful..so guilty for still being pregnant and I would try to cover my bump up when I saw her.Things only really got back to normal between us when she had her DS a year later.

Wishing everyone lots of luck in the future its a horrible experience for all concerned.

[susey]

Yes, I know exactly what you mean! Thank god it's not just me, I'm feeling so angry about it right now, very much feeling like a stroppy teenager thinking "it's so unfair!" all the time. A distant friend on facebook just announced her second pregnancy, one day off what would've been my due date. like farfallarocks I grumbled to myself how unfair, mine was my first pregnancy. I even overheard a shop assistant talking about his partners due date, same month as mine was, and felt like telling him how insensitive he was being casually talking about it in earshot- as if! Illogical rage is one of my main internalised emotions right now.

[DejaWho]

Look up the stages of grief - it's one of them and to be honest it was the only thing that gave me enough get up and go to actually get out of bed for a good while - being pissed off at the world so fuck it I'm going to get up and get through my day to show it just how pissed off at it I am.

People will try to make you feel like some kind of a grouchy abnormal freak for feeling angry - sod 'em - they'd let you grieve if it was a "tangible" loss so tell 'em where to go!

[KPT083]

I'm so glad i'm alone in the office right now, tears are streaming down my face. I'm here looking for confirmation that i'm ot alone in these horrible feelings.
I had a MMC almost two months ago now,with ERPC as a result. It was my first much longed for pregnancy.
I'm feeling so angry and selfish atm. I just want to scream at people. I know i'm not being raional but I just feel so sad/angry/jealous/ hopeless.
I can't rant at home as my inlaws and step children are with us at the moment. They know what happened, and i'm sure in their own way they are trying to help. DH is brilliant but I just want to lash out at him (verbally) because I don't feel he understands truly how I feel.
All I want is to be pregnant again.
To top it off one of the young girls I used to work with (i'm 35 she's 20)just found out she's 4 month pregnant - not even trying to get pregnant and wham there she is. it's not fair!!!! So glad i'm not in that office anymore - altho i did wish her well I am so frustrated it's not me.

Rant over x

[DejaWho]

I used to smile sweetly in all the right places at the pregnancy announcements - then privately imagine them with the biggest piles going (fanjo piles if I was feeling really really pissed off)... it made things slightly more bearable as long as you kept the wish very very much to yourself.

You've had one of the vilest tricks nature can play on you chucked on you with a missed miscarriage - you've got every right to be bloody pissed off and jealous - I was almost over mine, till I saw photos of a relative with their new baby and it took every bone in my body NOT to yell, scream and sob that "it should have been us"... and that was fairly recently.

Because basically, it IS unfair, it IS shit and it's no consolation that some fucking random number generator turned around and decided that the person who has to be the 1 in however many had to be you.

It fades to bearable levels in time - you learn to cope a lot more (gosh the number of times I've really really needed the loo when a new baby came into work!) and you also learn much more about how NOT to have the sensitivity of a brick when your lucky time comes round (I'm pregnant again and looking forward to when we can go public at 12+ weeks... although most of our family know cos I was convinced I'd lost it with bleeding earlier... and I know exactly all the things I will NOT be doing)!

[philbee]

Hi toomanydinosaurs. We must have mcd about the same time - mine was mmc found on 1 July and I mcd on 5 July. I am going through exactly the same thing at the moment. I had a month or so of grief, started to feel better and thought it was lifting, I was getting on with things.

But we've started ttcing again vaguely, and my DD has started preschool now, which was going to be my time at home to relax and exercise when I was pg. People keep on telling me they're pg, they didn't know how to tell me but they're so excited and so are all their relatives, bla bla bla, or they turn up with their tiny newborn babies or tell me about other people who are pg or have tiny newborn babies etc. And I just want to scream 'get away from me! Leave me alone!' I have started to ration how much I see pg people, or those with babies, and have cut some out altogether because although I can keep up appearances for a while it really takes its toll later and I just go home and cry. I have been crying every day, just at little things, and I just can't seem to come out the other side. Last week I dug out the women's health counselling leaflet from the hospital and called them. Am hoping to get an appointment in a week or two because I cannot go on like this. We are also going away next week for a bit because I just need a break from it. And I am lucky, because I already have a daughter, but it still hurts.

I'm so sorry that you are going through it too. I remember when posting in July that lots of people said that they thought they were through the worst and then it hit them again about 3-4 months later, and I guess that's where we're at. Have other things happened, or have you got to things that would have been milestones for you during the pregnancy? Is there any counselling or anything that you could get through your hospital? It's just rubbish, and I think that people who've never been in this situation really don't understand how the grief goes on and on. A few months ago is old news to the rest of the world. I hope you can get some support, or at least find a way to protect yourself from all this unwanted news.