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Just can't believe this happened

(54 Posts)
AngryBeaver Mon 26-Sep-11 18:38:07

On Friday I went for my first scan,I was 14 weeks. Was laughing and joking with dh and said to the sonographer "just let us know when you get the heartbeat!" and she shook her head.
I don't think I have ever felt such shock in my life. My world collapsed in on itself.
She told us that the baby had died week 8 or 9.
But I had had such severe morning sickness,up all night for wee's,backache,and even the bump.
I never imagined for one second that I had lost the baby.
I went into theatre crying and sobbing,woke up the same way asking for my baby.
I know this is a similar story to lots and lots of you.
But I am very lucky to already have 3 children. Although you would think that would make it easier,it doesn't. That was my precious baby whom I loved like my first.
I didn't mind puking my guts up am and pm as I consoled myself with the fact that this indicated a healthy pregnancy. I didn't know that wasn't true.
I am desperate to try again,but dh will need some convincing.
I feel I need to be pregnant again.
But even if he agrees and I get my periods back,as the doctor said,in about 3 weeks...I am wholly terrified that this will happen again.
Has anyone any experience of having 2/3 dc's no problem,then a mc...then a successfull pregnancy?

heymammy Mon 26-Sep-11 18:42:53

sad

Just devastating, so sorry for your loss. Did the children know you were pregnant? I completely understand desperately wanting to get pregnant again immediately, but take some time with your wee family to get over this loss then DP may be more open to the idea.

Northernlurker Mon 26-Sep-11 18:48:27

No personal experience but just wanted to say how sorry I am. I remember going for my scan with my last baby - it matters just as much as your first, of course it does.
Give yourselves a bit of a time and then talk it through with dh. This has been a huge shock for him too and of course their instinct is to protect you from the pain so very often partners express a reluctance to try again. What they mean is they don't want to see you hurt again and be hurt themselves. Miscarriage is common sadly - but a successful pregnancy is far more common. If you try again there is an excellent chance you will have another child.

AngryBeaver Mon 26-Sep-11 18:50:14

They knew and were so excited,the eldest who is 5, had told everyone her teacher,the dinner ladies,the postman,the woman in the deli....the entire village. Who are now going to ask me for weeks.."how is the pregnancy going?!"
I don't want to talk about it (in RL),I don't want anyones pity or hugs from people I barely know (or anyone,really) and any flowers that have turned up have gone in the bin.I don't want to be reminded.
My dc's keep asking why the baby isn't coming

Northernlurker Mon 26-Sep-11 18:58:41

Oh dear sad

Well don't reproach yourself for telling the dcs. Missed miscarriage is very, very cruel. I know you don't want to talk about it but do you have one or two friends who could tell people and spare you some questions?

Northernlurker Mon 26-Sep-11 19:00:29

One more thing - this all happened just three days ago and was a massive shock for you. Aside from everything else you will be still feeling the effects of the shock so you need to wrap up warm, lots of hot drinks, hot water bottle wouldn't hurt either.

AngryBeaver Mon 26-Sep-11 19:34:08

I have some great friends northern,but I just don't want to talk about it. I am an ostrich type character I suppose. I just want to be pregnant again and forget about this ordeal.
Dh took today off and is looking after me really well. I don't feel like eating,but is supplying plenty of hot tea,hot water bottles and cuddles

twotesttickles Mon 26-Sep-11 19:38:23

I'm so sorry AngryBeaver, you must be absolutely shell shocked by this sad

Can I suggest you find the biggest gossip in the village, make sure s/he knows and then bugger off on an impromptu holiday for a week to give them a chance to get it out of their system? I know you have kids in school but it wouldn't be off to take them out for a few days in the circs. Bugger off to Centerparcs or something and do nothing much, no-one there will know what has happened and you can grieve on your own if you want to.

I'm truly, very sorry for your loss. sad

And in answer to your question, yes I have a friend who had a healthy baby, nine miscarriages, one more healthy baby, then another two miscarriages and then one final baby. I don't know how she stuck it to be honest, she's very brave and determined though.

unfitmother Mon 26-Sep-11 19:51:31

Very sorry to hear that, I had that happen to me at a scan, at 21 weeks.
I had to be induced to deliver DS2.
I wrote a letter and sent it to all friends so I didn't have to tell them.
Happily I had DD 18 months later.

AngryBeaver Mon 26-Sep-11 19:53:13

twotesttickles I have done that already...text her this pm and I am sure that tomorrow,all the school and half the village will know. Can't really go anywhere at the minute,but my parents are doing dd pick up from school this week,so at least I won't have to face the other mums just yet.
I also have a friend that had one child then many many miscarriages then another baby. I am hoping that is unusual because I am definitley not that strong.
The doctor said there was no reason for it to happen again and I so want to believe that.
I will never underestimate the blessing that pregnancy is,ever again

AngryBeaver Mon 26-Sep-11 19:55:31

sad unfitmother,that is just,well,there are no words for how cruel and unjust it is

Northernlurker Mon 26-Sep-11 20:05:44

It happened to a friend of mine as well at 20 weeks. It is unbearable but it is rare. No help though to those it does happen to.

Angrybeaver - I am going to be a typical mum and say you must eat a little something. Just a piece of dry toast or something, just to give your body a bit of fuel.

ICapturedTheKitchen Mon 26-Sep-11 20:12:29

Angry - I'm so sorry for your loss.

In answer to you original question, yes - I had 2 children, then two (one missed) miscarriages, then another healthy baby. Then another missed miscarriage actually.

In the 2nd mmc, I felt pregnant, nauseous, was huge - I'd had a scan, seen a heartbeat, told all was well, all was pefect. The baby died the next day.

So, the positive thing is that I did have another healthy baby after miscarriages.

I hope you are being looked after and you get through this as best you can. Take care.

twotesttickles Mon 26-Sep-11 20:22:26

AngryBeaver - your pain comes through your posts and I'm so sorry you are going to have to put up with the enquiring glances (and worse) over the coming days. sad

Would it help you to have a line you could just repeat, something like: 'I am sure you will understand that I am grieving right now and don't want to talk about it, thank you for caring though' which you could just keep saying?

Please remember that you did nothing wrong and don't need to explain yourself. We think, as mothers who have carried children inside us before, that we would instinctively know something was wrong, but that's just not right. Our hormones carry on for quite a while, everything feels the same, unless you are beyond 20 weeks or so you probably aren't aware of movement so there are no clues to miss. sad

I am very, very sorry. sad

AngryBeaver Mon 26-Sep-11 20:59:41

IcapturedTheKitchen,that is so awful. Do you mind me asking how far along you were at the scan?
northern with regard to food..it feels wrong eating when my baby will recieve nothing. It feels wrong to enjoy something. Also,I am very aware I have a bump that is empty...and I want it to go away.
twotesttickles I will try that, thank you. I can't even face talking to my db and his dp who are lovely and caring. I just want to fastforward a few months and have life in me again. I know I will my peace in pregnancy will never be renewed,though. Especially when I hear of experiences like ICapturedTheKitchen. It just makes my blood run cold

Northernlurker Mon 26-Sep-11 21:16:31

Ah I see - ok well in your own time then. I hope you can get some rest tonight. Is dh off tomorrow or will you be managing by yourself?

twotesttickles Mon 26-Sep-11 21:19:10

People will understand you are bewildered and hurting and won't take it personally if you don't want to talk. Try to be kind to yourself. You must eat because you'll have lost blood and you need to stay healthy for your children and for any future children who are waiting to come into your life.

AngryBeaver Mon 26-Sep-11 21:35:13

I have just found out that I will have to pick dd up from school tomorrow...much sooner than I had expected.I think I will get there very early and stay right at the back and hope that noone notices me.
Also,my tummy is still really sore (sure it's normal) but the double pram is quite heavy,that will be interesting.
twotesttickles...I don't want to be kind to myself

twotesttickles Mon 26-Sep-11 21:44:26

Why don't you ring the school and ask for her to be brought out a few minutes early to the office? Or is there someone who you could buddy up with who will shield you and deflect enquiries?

You may not want to be kind to yourself, but you should do it anyway. Because you did not do this. Your baby died but that wasn't because of anything you did or did not do. Take pain killers. Being in physical pain will not bring your baby back, nor will it help you support your children.

LoveInAColdClimate Mon 26-Sep-11 21:48:17

I am so, so sorry.

AngryBeaver Mon 26-Sep-11 21:52:18

Well,I have to take the boys to the playgruop at the school at 1.45 (which I didn't think I would have to do either,but cant let ds1 down) so yes, it would work for me to get her from the office,rather than the yard. Thanks

ICapturedTheKitchen Mon 26-Sep-11 22:37:59

Hi again Angry - no, I don't mind you asking. Ask anything you like - I was desperate for information when it was me.

1st mc was 'straightforward' if you can get one of those, very early, probably only about 7 weeks. 2nd one (1st mmc) was at 12 weeks, as was 3rd one (2nd mmc). I'd had very early scans for all of them.

I managed to feel guilty about everything. I hadn't smoked, or had a drink, or done drugs, or gone paragliding, or any other thing you are warned about - so I decided there MUST have been something else I had done. I'd had healthy babies, so the fact that I was now having miscarriages meant it must be my fault. I'd loaded the washing machine, or got stressed at work, or missed breakfast one day - or a million other things that, of course, didn't cause it, but I needed a reason. Because if I had a reason, I could avoid it next time. You so desperately need something to cling onto, but there's nothing.

I think that you need to do what you need to do for you - if that makes sense. I live in a village too, so the fact that another woman said, about a week after the mmc - 'oooh, I hear congratulations are in order' was horrid, but it meant that telling her ensured everyone knew in about ten minutes.

What I then found awkward was everyone else telling me their mc stories, or their mum's, or their neighbour's - I make it a point now never to mention mine to anyone in RL if they are telling me of theirs, because it simply means that the person with the loss then has to comfort the other person for what they, their granny, or their hamster, went through much longer ago. I now that probably makes me sound a bit of a cow - but I am.

Look after yourself and hug your children lots - they are the best proof of how amazing your body has been, and how wonderful it can be again once these dark days are past.

RnB Mon 26-Sep-11 23:49:10

Oh poor you sad

The same thing happened to me after 2 dcs. It really is horrifyingly awful.

I promise you, the pain does get easier. It does not mean you cant go on to have another sucessful pg. I now have a gorgeous 15 month old. Good luck x

AngryBeaver Tue 27-Sep-11 07:38:03

thank you ICapturedTheKitchen, for the information.
And thank you for your kind words. First time I will have left the house today. I will not take the buggy to walk to playgroup,I'll take the car,then get dd out early and escape before the crowdsd. Hopefully getting everyone in and out the car before any neighbours/postman comes past

Northernlurker Tue 27-Sep-11 08:21:57

Good luck - hope you get in and out very smoothly

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