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It is wrong to want more 'sympathy'?!?!

(12 Posts)
Tw1nkle Thu 15-Sep-11 20:19:41

I miscarried last week, but I've found it's such a 'taboo' subject!
No one is really mentioning it to me, or passing on their 'regard's', or thoughts.

It's really making me feel like i'm going through this all alone - with support!!!

sisteroutlaw Thu 15-Sep-11 20:58:57

I'm sorry for your loss Tw1nkle - people just don't know how to react to loss/death and particularly miscarriage. Imagine all their previous conversations with you were relating to your pregnancy - now there's not that starter. You can talk openly about it if you fancy and give them a way in, or not - just come on MN. Lots of ladies to support you here.

Knowing that MC is common doesn't help. Trite responses like "it wasn't meant to be" enraged me. It is just a very sad loss of life and all the potential stored up. My warmest thoughts.

Tw1nkle Thu 15-Sep-11 21:59:12

Thank you.

It really does seem like some people are actually avoiding me!!! Which will only make it hader for me when I see them next.

It's hard enough anyway, but I didn't realise how hard it would be dealing with everyone else's reactions - or lack of them!!!!

I think I just have to get through it alone!!!

ExpensivePants Thu 15-Sep-11 22:04:08

I mc in January and it was the loneliest time of my life. Lots of people didn't know and the ones who did never mentioned it. No one remembered my due date when it passed (I mean like DH or my mum, don't expect friends etc to). Awful awful experience for so many reasons. sad

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Take care x

kat2504 Fri 16-Sep-11 06:17:55

I felt exactly the same way as you after my miscarriages. However people avoiding you because they can't think of something sensible to say is marginally better than them saying something really stupid, as is so often the case. But really what you want is not for them to say something that will make you feel better, because nothing can do that at first. You just want people to be around you and to know that they care and are sorry about your loss. I don't know why people think that they have to say something to make you feel better. I don't go to people whose family members have died and say "it's for the best, there was something wrong with her anyway"

It is very lonely, and everyone else forgets it quickly and expects you to be over it in a week or two. As we all know, that is not the case. However everyone on here understands what you are feeling.

I'm very sorry about your loss and I hope you are recovering well.

cakesloveme Sun 18-Sep-11 20:41:30

Hi tw1ncle,

So sorry for your loss.

I've been in a similar situation recently, had an ectopic pregnancy and lost my right tube. I've found exactly the same that people really tiptoe around me and just don't acknowledge what's happened. It's really hard, was making me think that it wasn't actually that much of a significant thing because no one spoke about it. The people who did speak to me about it also reiterated that it probably 'happened for a reason', like previous posters have said.

The people I had best support from were my gp ( who I luckily have a good relationship with), a neighbour who has had miscarriages and 2 very lovely work colleagues. I think sometimes its easier to chat to those a little removed, rather than close friends/family. Once I'd spoken to those people, I did start to feel a little better, so yes, sympathis good, necessary and deserved! I also think you sometimes have to give others the green light that you do want to have the situation acknowledged, or even have a longer conversation about it. People fear saying the wrong thing and don't want to upset you.

I hope things get easier soon and sorry for waffling on!!

HeartbrokenGirl Mon 19-Sep-11 01:32:46

hey Tw1nkle
Im so sorry to hear about your loss, like a couple of others who have commented on here I myself have recently had my second miscarriage. well, the second mc in a year, its extremely hard as I dont think people really know how to go about talking about it. Last year was the hardest mc for me as i have no clue there was a problem with my little angel until I went for my 12 week scan to be informed that unfortuantly my baby had no heart beat. I found that my situation was not handled appropriately as five minutes after I had my scan I was rushed into a room with a midwife who I felt was looking down upon me. I mean, I dont think she knew how to handle the situation which for a midwife I found strange. I was given the chance to come to terms with what was going on before the midwife was trying to book me in to have a d&c.
When I left from my scan I felt as if my world had been torn apart and my partner at the time had told so many people about the pregnancy I felt as though I had the whole world on my shoulders. However no one mentioned it, no one asked how I was...I wanted to scream from the rooftops to get someones attention but know one seemed interested in what I had to say. They just kept tip-toeing around me and telling me I had to rest and that was the worst thing as the day after I was taken in to have the D&C and all I wanted to do was get back to normality.
It's extremely hard and at the time I didnt know how to take it but as time has gone on I feel Im grateful to those who didnt try to talk to me about it at the time as It gave me the strength to sort of pick myself up and shake myself off. I agree with cakesloveme simpathy can be good, however, with too much sympathy its hard to move on with what you have gone through.
I hope you start to feel better soon

UrbanStuff Tue 20-Sep-11 12:12:42

Oh, it's so hard! And you feel so rejected when people don't mention it! But remember, often people would like to talk to you about it but they don't want to upset you (although, of course, you can't be more upset by someone asking how you are). It is a taboo subject, but often if you break the ice, everyone will be there for you, but you need to be clear with them what you want/need. I found, although it was hard, that I had to be honest and say 'I am feeling very sad about my miscarriage' to people, and then they were full of love and sympathy. I also had to be clear about what sort of support I wanted, as in "I'd like it if you came around and made me some tea and just sat with me, but I'm very tired so I might ask you to go home around 5ish'. Also, lots of people have never had a similar experience of grief (I found the best person to talk to about grief was a friend whose dad had died when she was 24), so try and seek out people who've experienced a similar thing.

Much sympathy, it is as everyone has said, an awful thing to experience.

Tw1nkle Wed 21-Sep-11 15:43:56

Thanks for all your comments.
Things are geting a little easier - time is healer as they say!!!

I'm not looking forward to next March though, at all, I have my sister, sister-in-law, and besy friend all due a few weeks earlier than what was my due date in March....hopefully i'll be feeling much stronger by then.....

LouP19 Thu 22-Sep-11 10:42:11

Very sorry to hear of your loss. I miscarried in January and although I was initially 'ok' with it (rather foolishly I thought I'd be pregnant again within weeks!), I found as time went on I experienced some very lonely times. I agree that it's still fairly taboo, and whilst it's common for people to experience a miscarriage, it isn't common for people to talk about it.

All I can say is allow yourself plenty of time to grieve. Don't expect yourself to be 'ok' about it by a certain time. You'll probably find it a very up and down few weeks/months,...... but whatever you do don't underestimate what you've been through and the sense of loss. And where possible DO talk about it to those you feel you can trust. I've been keeping a diary since my miscarriage which has been very useful in pouring out all my anger and grief over the last few momths.

And be nice to yourself. Take care x

philbee Tue 27-Sep-11 21:43:47

I'm very sorry to read about your loss, Tw1nkle. It's a very very hard time, without having to feel like people are being awkward around you.

I had a miscarriage in July and I was worried about this reaction, so as soon as anyone made contact at all, I texted or emailed and told them what had happened, even if they hadn't known I was pregnant. Most people knew before I saw them again, and those that didn't I tried to say as soon as possible. It was hard, but I tried to talk to everyone about it, just because I thought I couldn't bear it if I had to keep up a front of behaving normally when I was really devastated. We did see friends recently whom we thought knew and, it turned out, didn't. They asked me what I'd been doing over the previous months and I just felt horrified that they might know and be avoiding it - I just couldn't think how to continue talking to them so I avoided them for the rest of the time.

But it is very hard - I had to sort of test statements out at home to myself so that I could tell people in words which weren't going to make me cry, and I learnt which details were too much for me to say. I also think that if you tell people what you need they will be there for you (perhaps with a few exceptions). And that mostly people are just afraid of 'reminding you' (like you'd have forgotten) and upsetting you. I'm so sorry this has happened to you - it is really a horrible horrible thing. I hope you can get some support soon.

yeahyeahitsallmyfault Tue 27-Sep-11 22:04:33

sorry to hear you're having a tough time Tw1nkle, but glad things are getting a little easier. I've had 4 mc's since 07 and I think the shock of my first will always be with me. My friend and I were due within days of each other and yes I do look at her little girl and think about what might have been, but it's bearable.

I was always very open about what was happening to me. I know it did make some of my friends uncomfortable, but I always thought they could handle it and it was cathartic for me. One thing that amazed me was how many people then told me about their own mc. I had women of all ages talk to me about mc from my peers, to peers of my mum and mums of my friends. Two ladies talked movingly and I felt generously to me about the loss of their babies and I def took comfort from the shared experience of all these women and I like to think by sharing I have helped others. I know it's a little trite but for me a problem shared and all that.

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