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Miscarriage, resentment and all that goes with it....

(2 Posts)
ticklebug74 Thu 15-Sep-11 15:04:27

I miscarried yesterday at 5&1/2 weeks and am just at a loss really. I have two gorgeous DC and this pregnancy was not planned yet not really prevented either. I was pretty happy about it but DH was not and things were strained between us and I spent last weekend in a complete mess and crying my eyes out wishing I was not pregnant and hating my DH for making me feel this way. Well it seems someone listened and I started bleeding on Monday night and lost the baby yesterday.

Now I am numb, obviously blaming myself and feel fairly adamant (after always wanting a 3rd DC) that I do not want another baby. My DH who was pretty awful about the pregnancy is now sad we have lost it and I feel he does not have the right to be sad about something he didn't want. And I on the other hand am just in autopilot - not even crying. Am I normal?

Please tell me this whole experience will not put that wedge between me & DH that I can already feel developing?

And when do you ever feel normal again?

frazer41 Thu 15-Sep-11 18:02:59

I have one ds age 6, suffered pnd after he was born. We had been trying for 5 years to get preg again even although I may be ill again. It was all i ever wanted, unable to look at other mums in the playgound with their prams. Ds is such a loving boy and constantly runs to the prams looking at the babies. He also asks me constantly when we are getting a baby for our house.

Dh and I decided to give up trying as I was 41 and he is 44. We said we would try for another 3 months. I got preg in May and for the first 48 hours my pnd symptoms came back big time, very unexpected, anxiety was so very high. I remember being in bed at 5pm saying to him I cant do this, so silly as it is what we really wanted. I wanted the baby badly but not the illness. A few days later I was fine about it and getting excited about prams and names. I was also worried about tests etc due to age.

I week later I took a very serioius chest infection which landed me in bed for 2 weeks, it was really really bad. During that time I went for a scan at 5.5 weeks to find no heart beat. For a brief moment I was kind of relieved. I went back the next week and was so worried the baby was dead. Still no heart beat and i was told to come back the following week. I knew there was no hope and I was so very sad. I miscarried mid week and it was the sadest day of my life. I was proud of myself for getting over it quickly and 2 weeks later we went on a short family holiday. I was not anxious or stressed or crying etc. I thought I have held it together like other women do, the ones without mental health issues. 2 weeks after the holiday it all came crashing in. My anxiety was really bad, I could not eat or sleep and I felt panicked all the time, worse than when I found out I was preg. That was the end of July the symptoms really kicked in and this is Sept. I would say that only this week I have begun to get myself together, although on Tue I sat in the office crying in front of the pc. I cry at even the silliest tv program. Dh and I have not been getting on at all. I feel I try to tell him how I feel and he just nods his head or agrees for the sake of it, it constantly pick fault with my parents and find them so annoying, I think a bit of depression has set it over the weeks and everday I really need to shake it, which is not always easy.

We had a huge argument over how I felt unsupported over the whole mc. My gp tried to explain today how it is very hard for the man to fully understand what I am going thru and feel it.

All I can say is I have been miserable for a few months and I am a pnd sufferer so that may make my symptoms last longer. My friends got over their mc quickly by getting preg again. I feel too old and my mh issues need to be taken into account. I am getting better day by day so please stop counting the days and just give it time. Remind dh that just cos you are cleaning and ironing does not mean you are ok. I look at ds and feel so grateful to have him in my life but it does not make up totally for always wanting two kids. It is not the answer for people to say well you have two kids so you will be fine. A baby is a baby no matter how many you have. I think I started to get better when I actually let myself realise I was suffering from grief and loss.

I hope you get over this soon. Please just take it easy, tell dh you need lots of hugs and a good cry helps too. Give your other two kids loads more kisses, even just to comfort yourself.

Feel free to pm me if you need to x

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