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Not coping with this at all ...

(4 Posts)
DramaticGene Sat 03-Sep-11 16:08:57

I'll try to keep it short. 2 healthy kids (9 and 7 (am very lucky)). 4 m/c. 3 mmc all around 12 weeks -- all ERPCs. A further mid term m/c two months ago at nearly 17 weeks. 1 in 20000 chance of Downs, nice scan at 14 weeks, the works. Horrendous delivery (longer than with the kids). Saw and named the baby. Awful. Seeing consultant for follow up on tests / post mortem on 12th Sept.

Bascially, am just not coping with this. I am a "coper" usually but I am floored by the loss. Also, by the loneliness of the loss. I saw my mother for the first time since it happened last week (she lives in a different country) and she didn't even ask me how I was. :O

Please, please, please can some one tell me how they coped? I know there are so many worse things that can happen and situations to be in. I really want to snap myself out of this, but I can't seem to get over the loss. It's not fair on the kids I do have to be so miserable. They really shouldn't be finding their mother in tears, should they?? DH is supportive but not very emotionally tuned in.

I have a DVD of baby waving at me at 14 weeks san, scan photos and a box of ashes on the top of my wardrobe, and a belly that looks pregnant from comfort eating.

Finally, my sister is due her third child in a month. Any ideas on how I cope with that? Am currently in denial and not in contact with her as I can't deal with it right now.

escapeartist Sat 03-Sep-11 16:51:19

DramaticGene I am so so sorry for your losses. I feel your pain about the loneliness - mc can be such an isolating experience and (it feels like) only people who have been through it can really know how you feel.

I have had two mmc, in the last 4 months, last one just over a week ago. I am also a "coper" and tried to get back into normal life, work etc as soon as I physically could, which was in fact about 24 hours after a left the hospital (had an ERPC). Today I woke up floored...

I guess my take on it is that you NEED to give youself time and permission to grieve. It must be difficult with your children around and of course with your sister heavily pregnant. I have no kids and so have the time and space to grieve (should I allow myself such "weakness") but I am finding now that it is essential in order to move on.

It all sounds very recent - give yourself time. Do your children know what has happened? (I am guessing they do, as you were quite far along). As for your mother, you might need to explain your pain to her - I found that my mum didn't understand, not having been through, but when she saw my pain she supported me beautifully (apart from a few comments about me "causing"my mc as I was too thin, which she since apologised for)

Many hugs and a wish that you recover and feel happy soon. There is support here, use it! I found talking about it in RL helped me too, but I understand everyon eis different.

razzdazz Sun 04-Sep-11 16:30:34

Dramatic I am so sorry for your loss. My own life is fairly similar to yours, I have ds 10 and dd 8, have had 5 early mc and then I lost my ds at 22 weeks into my pregnancy. I feel your devastation from the bottom of my heart. Not only is it the loss of your baby but all of your dreams and future plans with it. Life wasnt supposed to be how it is now. You feel so cheated, you had got passed the damn 12 week wait, it is so bloody unfair. Lots of people in RL dont understand, they think because you already have children or had never held your baby alive that it shouldnt hurt so much. It does and it keeps on hurting. Do not be afraid to talk about your baby using the name that you gave them, it helps others to understand how real it all is.
You wont ever forget, though I am sure you dont need me to tell you that. My loss was in April and I still think of my son every day and wish it could have been so very different. I have just started to come out of the black depression that I was in, I know this because now I have good and bad days, before it was bad and worse. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

DramaticGene Mon 05-Sep-11 20:38:42

Thanks EscapeArtist and RazzDazz for your kind replies. I am so very sorry for both of you too. It's just unfair. After the second m/c I went straight back to work and that was a big mistake, Escape, so you MUST take some time for yourself. Am glad to hear that the black depression has lifted a bit RazzDazz.... Your circumstances seem to mirror mine so I guess by Christmas i might feel less bad. I wonder, RazzDazz, how did your kids cope? My two ( 2 dd) knew about the pg as I was just too big for them to notice. They were upset at the time but don't mention it now. But I think they are still upset. Or maybe they're not and I'm just projecting my own emotions on to them. When I have occasionally asked them they don't say much.

I'm too sad to talk to my family. I don't want their pity. Which is about all they will be able to offer me. And I certainly don't want the analysis and wisdom of my smug 8 month pg sister (who's never had a m/c but is a self-avowed expert in everything). Oh dear. An analyst would have a field day.

I so regret all the decisions we made about not having a third child and putting it off and now look at us. I guess I, smugly, assumed that it would just happen. DH has said the regrets and bitterness that I can't get over currently will eventually overwhelm us. He's probably right ... but am I not allowed a period of bitterness and regret... a bit of self indulgent wallowing? I think so, provided I can climb myself back out of the hole.

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