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i can not live with the guilt

(13 Posts)
holdingstill Sun 14-Aug-11 23:28:04

i need to finally get this out i need to finally say how i feel and i can never say this to anyone i know

i have suffered many miscarriges 8 in total all bery early on apary from my last our baby was lost at 11 weeks not that far on to may of you i'm sure

i begain to bleed and i aready knew what was coming i knew the feeeling i knew the waves if pain and i was so tired so hurt i just could not do anything i let things take there course thinking stupidily it would be like all the other times before bleeding pain and clots then emptyness

but s i awoke the folowing morning i felt something pass i ran to the bathroo and nothing just heavy bleeding and small clots i then noticed my pj bottoms the blood there it was a huge amount of tissue/blood

as i picked it up i knew i could see it was my baby the shape the buds the eye forms i as all there so perfect not a baby but the start and i could see that form

i felt sick i did not know what to do

after speaking to the early pregnancy unit i asked if they needed to see what i had passed they said no i left it in the bathroom

scan check and 5 hours later i returned home and numb went to the bathroom and instead of thinking instead of leaving this be or been more respectful i flushed it down the toilet

i hate myself

i did not think of it for days afterwards but over a year on i just can not live with the guilt i read people planning wonderful services for there lost children and i just disposed of mine like a piece of trash

my baby i just threw it away i have nothing to grive for or anywere to tink of my baby

i have 3 wonderful healthly children who i would give my life for

but one, one who came in to the world to early i did not give a shit about what was wrong with me, i think now how could i have done that?

i don't deserve to be a mother when i treated my child like that hiw can i hurt and cry so much when i had no thought at the time

thank you for giving me a place to write this and i'm sorry it is garbled i'm just upset angain and wanted to say all this for the first time

AnnieLobeseder Sun 14-Aug-11 23:34:44

OMG you poor thing! Please please be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. You were in shock, it was not a malicious act on your part. Grief makes people do crazy things, and to be blunt, your baby had gone, the body is just a shell; the vessel we ride through this world in. What happens to it, really, is so much less important than how we hold the memory of those we have lost in our hearts.

And I can see from your post how closely you hold that lost baby to your heart. That makes you a wonderful mum.

Again, please forgive yourself, you have nothing to feel guilt for. You obviously love that lost baby very much. No-one could expect or ask for more.

bramblina Sun 14-Aug-11 23:42:33

You poor, poor thing. Don't think of it like that, it was all done in panic and we cannot control our feelings and actions rationally when we panic.
Have you considered planting a tree? You could then connect with your baby, and relate to something physical.
Have you thought of this from someone else's perspective, if they had told you the exact same story, you wouldn't think "you awful person", you would sympathise and see that they meant no harm, you have to give yourself a break as it is clearly eating you up.
I don't know what else to say other than I hope you find something that helps very soon. smile

Blethermouse Sun 14-Aug-11 23:51:30

First off, you didn't do anything abnormal or wrong... things have changed a lot in the last few years about what to do with the foetal parts after miscarriage.
Until recently the parts were always flushed away in hospital, more recently people have started to have ceremonies, but not all do and the hospital does not register or have to provide burial until the baby is of viable age .
You are feeling like this from the trauma
Take care xxx

Mama5isalive Sun 14-Aug-11 23:55:28

I totally agree with AL - trust me you was in total shock and i guess you done what has happened to alot of women including me! my baby was flushed in the hospital toilet but i cant and couldnt of done anything about that i was also in pain and in shock!!!!!
holding on to the guilt is eating you up from the inside and is so not healthy or productive right now! focus on being and knowing you are a great mother to your children that need you to be of sound mind and not to let this guilt consume you and bring you to a dark place( where depression sometimes dwells)
you have gone through so much already with the amount of child losses! but it was not your fault and there was nothing you could do to prevent them!
i dont know if your a praying person but if you are bring it in prayer and asked for forgiveness from Yourself and then let go!Please!!! why not share this with your DH/DP im sure they will not judge you and will understand what happened and why!( i wish i could give you a big hug)
a year on and i can see through your thread the real pain, but please for give yourself and free yourself from the chains of shame and guilt!!!!!!

look to your future and let go! xx

Yourefired Mon 15-Aug-11 00:01:56

I understand, I did the same thing almost to the letter. My way through the guilt was bereavement counselling (accessed through GP) and sponsoring a deprived child in an overseas country.

Reading this back it looks like a trite answer, but I do understand. Talking to someone safe like a counsellor and time will heal you. Be kind to yourself.

saffronwblue Mon 15-Aug-11 00:13:38

Poor poor you holdingstill- this happened to me except I couldn't even look at what had come out. I sat on the toilet screaming to DH and he told me to flush it without looking. I have felt guilty for not looking, let alone flushing. Try to let the feelings go - you did what you did in a shocking situation and you have honoured that little soul in your heart.

HorseyGirl1 Mon 15-Aug-11 12:52:41

You did what was right at the time - your baby is in your heart - they will always be safe there xx

Catsycat Tue 16-Aug-11 10:58:14

You couldn't help what happened - you were afraid, shocked, hurt and not able to think ahead to how this might make you feel in the future. It wasn't something malicious or uncaring that you did on purpose. It is not something you should reproach yourself for. No-one else would blame you at all.

I do understand your desire to have somewhere to remember the baby, but you can still do something as a memorial without having the remains. Maybe lighting a candle on a significant date (due date, or date of the loss); planting a tree; buying an ornament for the house or garden; making a little book with anything you do have from the pg and writing down what happened during the pg, how you felt at different times, etc. These things can be as significant as you choose to make them, and may give you some comfort.

You have not hurt the baby or it's memory through what happened. And you still have the baby where it matters - in your heart and your mind.

greengoose Tue 16-Aug-11 11:37:34

I dont know if it helps, but the leaflet I just got about miscarriage from the hospital said that lots of people make a choice to do this, and that that is fine. It may not be fine for you now, but your baby floating out to sea under the wide sky and the stars is a nicer image than it being disposed of by the doctor or the hospital, as usually happened. I have had two MCs and the first was a D+C so god knows what that was like, and the second I assume went down the toilet without me seeing or knowing. Perhaps you can think of your little one when you are at the coast, this is what I do, imagining its spirit floating free and under the stars. I made a cairn on a rock by the sand after the first one, and the tide took it, but that was ok. There is no easy way to loose a baby, it is hard enough grieving the loss. You did NOTHING wrong, and you need to forgive yourself. (As you know from your other children, they love you unconditionally, forgiveness is part of being a parent, and so is forgiving yourself).

GoingToHelenaHandcart Fri 02-Sep-11 00:12:17

you are not alone - I did this too, and I too had enormous feelings of guilt.

However, once time had healed a little, and I learned to forgive myself, I knew that my actions didn't make me regret the micarriage any less, or mourn my baby any less, or make me any less compassionate in any way.

What it made me was a traumatised woman trying to deal with a shitty situation - honest to goodness at the time I didn't consider for longer than a second or two what to do with it. I just held the remains in my hand for a moment or two, then flushed, and sobbed.

only later, when I told my friends, did I even consider that I might have handled the situation more sensitively.

But I slowly learned that I was not at fault, and I didn't let my baby down, or hurt it in any way. And neither did you.

shortlady Sat 17-Sep-11 12:05:06

I did the same. My DH came in and asked if I was ok, I paniced told him not to look and flushed. Don't know why - I would not 'normally' do this - he is a Doctor and I would normally hide nothing from him, it was just a panic reation. I have had some feelings of guilt, but they have not overwhelmed me, just the whole mix of emotions. But you must not blame yourself for how you acted in a difficult situation. It's not something you can plan, or anticipate how you will behave. There are some lovely suggestions and comments on here. I hope these help you. I did end up lookng up images how it would have looked. Not sure it helped, but has not given me nightmares or anything. Maybe try and seperate the body and soul, if that helps you.. Thing of you x

SockMunkee Sat 17-Sep-11 12:14:47

I did it too, I hadn't even realised I was pregnant and was very young and scared. It didn't feel real to me at the time and I didn't talk about it or tell anyone, I was pregnant with ds when I was asked about previous pregnancies and told my gp. She said I was very lucky to have not got an infection or complications etc and said I should have told someone and got checked out.She also reassured me that flushing it all away didn't make me a bad person. Over the years I have stopped beating myself up about it.
I named my baby and even though I cant remember the date I often think of him x

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