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3 weeks on and I seem to be getting more upset

(11 Posts)
philbee Thu 28-Jul-11 14:47:09

I miscarried about three weeks ago, and physically everything's pretty much normal. But I feel like I'm getting more upset about it than i was before. I cry every day now, and i lie in bed remembering being in hospital and in a&e, almost like flashbacks. I find it very upsetting to see pregnant women, which I didn't a week or so ago. My friend's just told me she's pg, via text, and all i can think is that i hope she loses it. Isn't that sick? I can't bear the thought of seeing her now. I feel like i am a failure, and ashamed that this has happened and i couldn't manage to make the pregnancy work, although i know that's nonsense. I feel like i just want to get in bed and not get up again, not talk to anyone. But i want to move on from this, and be able to do things. Is this how other people have reacted? Is there anything i can do, or do i have to just sit it out? I hate feeling so antisocial and worried that i will get upset when I'm out.

escapeartist Thu 28-Jul-11 15:18:44

Philbee I'm so sorry for your loss and will share my experience in the hope that it will help.

I had a mmc, followed by an ERPC on week 10 of my first pregnancy. Like you, I felt almost fine after the ERPC and physically I recovered very quickly. Mentally though, it did seem that things got worse after 2-3 weeks and even worse still once I got my first period.

Like you I kept crying all the time, even at work (I work with young children which didn't help). I didn't want to go out and I started resenting my friends for being so normal, of course they were just forgetting about what I had been through and didn't want to talk about it, while for me it still was a huge deal and I wanted to talk about it constantly. As you can imagine not the best company, so I decided to stay at home and watch the whole of Law and Order boxset I also started comfort eating, got obsessed with mc and did a lot of research/bought and read books about it etc. The most worrying for me was that I started drinking, and though it was moderate I found that I was becoming emotionally reliant on it and cut down completely. As it came at the same year as the loss of my dad, it also seemed compounded...

HOWEVER I feel much better now (a mere 3 1/2 months later). I am in fact very surprised at my own recovery. It seems that I am again able to enjoy things.

It still upsets me to see pg women, especially ones who were pg at the same time as me and now have a bump to show, or ones who got pg after me and are having obliviously happy pg. I want to shake them and say "this could happen to you too!" (I don't!)

What did help me was getting back into sport, which has been my life from the age of 8 and getting my body back, as well as setting goals for the future (I am running a marathon on my due date). Might not be for everyone but having something else in the future that you can look forward to (a holiday or trip) could help.

Have faith in that you will not forget, but you will feel better. Make sure you cut youself some slack - you have been through something pretty grim, take your time to grieve, talk or not talk about it as you feel etc. I found discussing it with my DH ad nauseam helped me (though not sure if it helped him) as did writing about it.

I hope you feel better soon and soon look back on this dark time from the light!

farfallarocks Thu 28-Jul-11 15:40:01

Oh philbee. Poor you!

Firstly, its totally normal to feel worse a few weeks later, the hormones crash suddenly and it starts to really hit you.

I was making a cup of tea yesterday, finished the box and threw it in the bin. The best before date was Feb 2012. I started crying because that was when my baby would be due. Ridiculous eh?

Totally normal to feel like that about a friend, I felt the same, gutted, like I wanted to cry and scream It Is Not Fair!

Let yourself feel everything you are feeling and rest assured its normal and you will recover from this.
I found talking to Dh helpful to a point. He is sad too but he does not really understand the immense grief I feel or that I am terrified we will never had children. I feel fine today but yesterday I cried 3 times at work in the loo!

Look after yourself and treat yourself to a massage maybe?
Talk to the ladies on there, they are so supportive and they understand, most people don't get it unless they have been there themselves.

If you feel like it really is stopping you from functioning, perhaps go and see your GP, maybe they can refer you to counselling? I am having some acupuncture and the lady I see is a bit like my therapy as well.

Catsycat Thu 28-Jul-11 20:58:01

Philbee, I am very sorry for your loss.

After my mc at the end of June, I did have times of feeling I did not want to get out of bed, feeling a failure, an as though I would never be happy again. Having talked to other women who mc on here, and in real life, I don't think anything you describe seems "abnormal", for want of a better word (nothing about mc seems "normal", does it?).

All I can say is that (trite as it sounds) I just took one day at a time, took things at my own pace, and tried to do as little or as much as I wanted each day. I also leaned on my DH a lot. I did cry the first time I went to our toddler group, but everyone was kind and understood (and if they hadn't understood, then who cares, frankly?). I found I wanted to talk about what happened, so I emailed my friends to tell them what had happened, and that I hoped we could talk about (or not avoid talking about) what happened. All my friends were open to discussing the mc, and I found out that even more of them than I knew about had had mcs themselves, so I got some really kind support from them. MN has also been a lifeline.

The loss of my baby will always be part of me, but it does not consume me any more, as it did for the first couple of weeks. I feel happy and hopeful again, most of the time; though I still cry sometimes, stress quite a bit about it happening again, and worry about what went wrong.

Regarding the flashbacks, if they continue, then it might be a good idea to speak to someone about it - flashbacks can be a symptom of PTSD. My GP referred me to a psychologist after a traumatic experience a few years ago, and it helped to talk through what had happened.

Take care, and don't feel you need to rush to "get over it".

iggii Fri 29-Jul-11 00:28:25

3 weeks is really nothing in terms of coming to terms with your loss. It's grief, and you have all the usual crappy stages of grief to go through. Maybe you need "permission to grieve" as they say - don't let anyone tell you you should just be back to normal by now.

philbee Fri 29-Jul-11 12:07:52

Thank you all. It's a real comfort to me to know that other people have had these feelings too. I know that I need to just let myself grieve, but it's hard, isn't it? My DH keeps saying that the main thing is we're still all OK (I have a daughter already) and I know that's true, but this doesn't seem to have anything to do with that rationality.

escapeartist - I have started running again and doing some DVDs at home, and am thinking I'd like to aim for 10k, which I've never quite managed to sustain. We are hoping to TTC again though, so I don't feel I can do much more. Part of the problem is not knowing what to plan and what not to, but I think maybe I should just think as if I won't be pg again soon and plan what I'd do if that were the case. Maybe I should try for something longer! Getting my body back is quite important - I feel like I have a constant reminder in my big tummy, and I just want it to go now and not have to look at it every day. I think it is diminishing a bit now.

farfallarocks and catsycat - I don't think the flashbacks are that bad, just processing really. I did have a leaflet for women's counselling at the hospital but it makes a big deal about how they're based in the nursery building, rather than near the EPAU, which they seem to think is better! So not dead keen to go there, plus I just feel like I don't want any contact with health services full stop for a while really. I have talked about it to people, I felt like it would be worse to pretend I'd just been ill or something. But after a point there's nothing else you can say, is there? Still here. Still sad... As you say, everyone else is moving on, although they've all been very kind.

iggii - three weeks isn't long, is it? It's just this urge to get on top of things, get back to normal, not mope around etc. But you're right, it takes time, even if I don't really know what I'm grieving for.

iggii Sat 30-Jul-11 12:07:10

Hope you're ok at the moment. You're grieving for everything that might have been, I suppose. I hate not being in control myself, I can see why having plans for runs etc might well help at this rotten time.

GwendolineMaryLacey Sat 30-Jul-11 12:12:33

Three weeks is nothing sad. I also felt ok at first and then increasingly worse. It's totally normal. The avoidance of other pg women, everything. It's coming up to my due date and, despite being pg again now I'm feeling worse and worse it nearer it gets. even now, 7 months on it's still in my mind and I feel like I won't be able to let it go until that due date has passed.

I wish there was something more helpful I could say. Just give yourself as much time as you need to grieve. There is no time limit on it and no one should tell you how long it'll take. Just do whatever you need to do to get through it x

philbee Sun 31-Jul-11 21:29:38

Thank you. We have had a nice weekend away and I just felt normal again, and not like 'the person who has suffered a terrible tragedy'. It was good to only see strangers in some ways.

Gwendoline, it's good to hear that avoidance of pregnant women is normal, I feel really horrible. I have one friend who's v. heavily pregnant and I have said to her that I just can't see her for now and why and she was fine with it. But the other one I see much more often, and I feel like it's such good news for her, and all I can do is mope and moan about how it upsets me. It seems so selfish really, but I don't want to try to do things for appearances if they're going to be difficult for me.

The due date does scare me, although it's a long way off. I think we will try to plan something as a family for then so that it's not just another day at home or whatever.

Mama5isalive Sun 31-Jul-11 23:03:22

firstly i would like to say how very sorry i am that you have had to go through this terrible loss and now entering into the stages of grieving!!!!!!!
im just over a month now and i thought " i would be coming to my 20 weeks scan", its hard and my gosh the awful thoughts that go through your head is nothing, i guess some of us have thought and even said some horrible things whilst in this grief stage!!!!!! i constantly am watching another women who is due around the time i was and i actually make it a mission to talk and see how shes feeling to get me through my own feelings and i also am grateful that i can hold little babies, touch my pregnant friends bellies and rejoice in the upcomimg births of loads of my friends!!!!! i believe its helping me go day to day and week to week. now my AF has come and now going i really feel i have turned a corner! be strong and talk it through to others! set a goal you may not of been able to do whilst pregnant, im now back to my Zumba!!!!!!!!!! and im loving it!
i also bought a book of dealing with child loss but also the healing journey through prayer - it has really helped me alot! and have also bought this books for others just going through it or have gone through it maybe a few years ago! i have to accept i will NEVER get over it, but in and with time LEARN to live with it and move on!
all the best to you and be kind to yourself xxxxx

soupmaker Mon 01-Aug-11 10:58:57

Hello. I am so glad I found this thread this morning. I had a second mc 4 weeks ago at 12 weeks, having had a healthy 8 week scan. I also had a mc back in October last year. I am going to be 41 at the weekend. I felt okay for a couple of weeks, although was having to cope with the loss of a very good friend then which I think has delayed things, but now I have had the hormone crash and am utterly devastated by this mc. I am back at work, but I am pretty much constantly on the verge of tears, find it hard to be sociable, especially with anyone pregnant or with more than one child - we have one DD. But this is all very normal and just part of the grieving process. I think it is okay to be angry, to be sad and to want to keep away from anyone who you don't want to be around for a while. I have found that following initial sympathy and support most people who haven't suffered loss, don't really get it no matter how well meaning. I think you need to find ways to cope that work for you, I don't have a faith, or feel the need to run a marathon, but keeping busy and getting lost in films or a decent book have helped me in the past. Also, I have taken time just to cry and to be alone and to feel utterly miserable, for me that is part of my healing process. Glad you are feeling better philbee, but take it easy and don't be hard on yourself.

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