Can't think of anything else since diagnosed with blighted ovum

[rosalina72]

I had a second scan on Friday which confirmed a blighted ovum. Since then I can't stop obsessing about the fact that I've lost this pregnancy and feel so sad and so out of control. I've scheduled another scan (just to be 100% sure) and ERPC for this friday which has in some small way given me some peace as I know I can't move on until I'm no longer pregnant. I just feel so distracted and can't focus on anything but the miscarriage. Life seems to be at a standstill for me and it's business as usual for everyone else. Is anyone else feeling like this? Sorry for rambling but I just feel really alone right now. Thanks for reading this.

[Catsycat]

Hi rosalina. You are describing exactly how I felt after I found out I had lost my baby. I am very sorry that you are having to go through this.

For me, I felt having another scan privately (abandoned the orignal hospital in disgust!) helped me take some control of the situation. I wasn't able to book an ERPC straight away (had to book 2 more NHS scans first because I changed hospitals), but I was keen to put something in place ASAP to finalise things. In the end I had an ERPC as an emergency, before the second hospital scan could take place. I really felt that once I had the ERPC, I could move forward. I still felt awful, but wasn't waiting any more and any false final hopes had gone. I suppose that's what "closure" is. I just hated that out-of-control feeling of being at the mercy of my own body.

I am not surprised you can't think of anything else. I found out my pregnancy wasn't "viable" on 20th June, had the ERPC on 29th June, and it was all I thought about during that time. It still occupies a large portion of my thoughts each day, I would say it is always there in the background whatever I am doing - I never forget this has happened even for a moment. However, I am feeling a lot better, can enjoy things again much of the time, often laugh and smile now (which I just didn't think would be possible at one point), and don't cry very often anymore. I am still very tired, and feel a bit delicate physically (but I have CFS / ME and I think what has happened has caused the symptoms to flare up a bit), and have not resumed normal housework duties (so am sitting here ignoring the hoover and iron and the results of said ignoring mounting up in front of me...). I am not back to my pre-mc self, but feel I am making good progress. Now I am feeling ready to TTC again, but waiting for some indication from my cycle, so getting quite impatient...

I would say to just go with whatever you are feeling as much as you practically can - cry if you want to, throw a cushion across the room and curse if you want to (did that last week!), lie on the sofa and watch crap telly if you want to, talk to friends if it would help too, or whatever else you need to do. Give yourself permission to work through this as you need to, and be kind to yourself.

Sorry about the long post - hope it doesn't sound too "me, me, me", but just wanted to show that I was where you are a couple of weeks ago, and how things have changed in my case. Hope you will recover well too, in your own time. Take care x

[willitbe]

rosalina - I was chatting to you on the "empty sac" thread a few days back. So sorry to hear that you are feeling like all you can think about is the pregnancy. That is completely normal. As you know I am going through something similar at the moment. But I want to encourage you that your feelings are natural and totally ok.

Did you look at the misdiagnosed miscarriage website? there is information on there about blighted ovums and making sure that they are not misdiagnosed (as they frequently are).

I can fully understand your wanting to move on as soon as possible. My current situation is that following heavy bleeding I had another scan on monday to confirm if it was all over, but unfortunately they could only scan me on the old useless equipment, which meant that although they could still see thickened lining, they could not see anything..... however 10 days ago they told me the same - there is nothing in the uterus, only to go down the corridor and get scanned on better equipment to immediately find the sac clear as day. So I have to wait til thursday to go have the scan on the good equipment to find out if I have passed or absorbed the sac yet. (I am not under any illusion that this pregnancy is going to work out for me).

I don't like being in this limbo of waiting for miscarriage. But I am trying as hard as I can to focus on other things. It is difficult, pregnancy causes hormones to go out of wack and this in itself is a minute by minute reminder.

I hope that you know that you are not alone going through this, and that your feelings are normal, and that you have to do what is right for you.

I hope that the scan on friday is able to give you the reassurance to do whatever you feel is right. If the sac has grown more and still empty, then you will be able to be more confident to know if it is actually a blighted ovum (measurements expected are on the website.

I hope that writing your frustration down here has helped, if you need to talk more, I will be listening here.

Thinking of you.

[rosalina72]

Hi Catsycat. Thank you for your kind and wise words. You've really helped me a lot. I'm so sorry you've also had to go through this hell and hopefully you're healing well both physical but most importantly mentally. I guess the fact that you're eager to try again shows you're moving on. I wish you the best of luck for next time and hope to see you're name on ante-natal thread!

Hi Willitbe. Yes, I do remember your story from the empty sac thread. So so sorry that you weren't able to get any answers from the scan on Monday. The waiting must be horrible for you. It's absolutely ridiculous to have old useless scanning equipment in these delicate situations where so much is riding on these results.

To answer your question, I have read the misdiagnosed website stories and though they are compelling, I feel they're not so relevant to me as most of the stories I read are from miscarriages that happened over 5-6 years ago and mostly in the USA where doctors do the scanning (so equipment and skill may vary). I think the fact that equipment is probably better now and in the UK scans are done in hospital by trained sonographers may indicate that the margins of 'error' are probably not that high here. Also, I had an early scan with my son 4 years ago, around the same 8 week mark, and saw a HB straight away even without the internal.

One thing I'm still not clear on is the sac measurements though. I've got a Gestation Sac (Mean) measurement of 12.3mm and a mean diameter of 33mm. So if the numbers on the website are for GS (mean) then that would suggest I should wait a bit longer to see a yolk sac. But if they are talking about diameter then, I'm way out and should have seen something ages ago. When I spoke with the doctor at EPAU yesterday she seemed fairly certain that a HB should have been seen by now and that a tilted uterus wouldn't really make a difference.

For me it feels right to have a scan 1 week from the last one and based on that I will make my decision. I'm not holding out too much hope but there's always a small glimmer. It's just too painful to continue to grow and feel symptoms and know there's no baby inside.

Again thank you for sharing your story and your feelings with me. It's very reassuring and helpful to know I'm not alone and that other people understand what I'm going through. I hope you get proper answers on Thursday and finally get closure or the best news you've ever had! Good luck with everything!!

[rosalina72]

Hi, just wanted to let you all know that I had the scan which showed a slightly larger sac but still no sign of the baby. So I had the erpc. I'm in a bit of physical pain but emotionally I feel better as I feel I can now move on. I'm sad but it wasn't meant to be at this time. Thanks again for all your good advice and thoughts and I wish you all the best in the coming months.
xxxxxxxx

[Catsycat]

Hi Rosalina. Sorry, I only just saw your last post. I hope you are continuing to feel better, don't worry if it's all a bit up and down at first though. Take care, and thank you for your good wishes xx

[rosalina72]

Hi Catsy, I must of been functioning on adrenaline and pregnancy hormones last week because I can tell you that right now I'm an emotional wreck. I feel like absolute sh*t.

[Catsycat]

Hi Rosalina. Just posted on another thread you're on as well. Sorry you're feeling terrible.

Mc is a really crappy experience to have. I just took it one day at a time and did what I felt I could cope with each day. I don't think I could have done anything else really, and honestly it has got easier as time has gone on.

I wish I could make you feel better, I know I can't. All I can do is hope things become easier for you. Look after yourself. x