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I lost my pregnancy at 12 weeks 6 days

(5 Posts)
toobusy999 Fri 08-Jul-11 08:47:19

Sorry it's such a long thread, just wanted to leave my story.

We were at our nuchal test. The baby had died about a week before. We were devastated.

At the EPAU unit they explained our options (briefly) and we chose to have medical management. Unfortunately they weren’t able to book us in for the first tablet until 3 days time. It wasn’t easy to wait.

We went back to the hospital 3 days later to take the first tablet. I was traumatised about taking a pill to start it all off – it didn’t seem right to ‘choose’ to have a miscarriage even if the baby was already dead. After the first pill I experienced some light bleeding.

After 2 days we returned to the hospital for the rest of tablets. I was booked in and given the first set of tablets as a pessary and put on a drip. I was very relieved to have been given my own private room with a toilet.

After about an hour I started to get strong cramps – these got stronger. Then after 3 hours I went to the loo and the baby came out in the pan. It was very upsetting to see it there and I found it hard to look at it. It was even more upsetting that my husband wasn’t there at the time as he had popped back to put the children to bed. I was surprised how ‘real’ the baby looked. I had expected a more tadpole looking baby but this looked like a miniature doll. The staff were very supportive and understanding.

I then started to lose a lot of blood in heavy clots and finally the placenta. After losing the placenta I felt very faint – thought I was going to be sick but did a poo instead. (Sorry TMI). My blood pressure dropped for a bit.

They let me go the next morning, once my blood pressure was back up again. I was given a sick note and some antibiotics. I was surprised not to be given any literature or any further checks. But the morning staff looked incredibly understaffed and over-worked. (There was literally a queue of women coming out of EPAU waiting to be seen.) I have to go back in 10 days for a routine scan to check everything is ok.

At the moment I feel numb, exhausted, tearful, tired. I feel guilty and sad. I’m not sure how I will cope seeing my friends, going back to work or when I will be ‘normal’ again. I’ve been a bitch to my husband but we’ve also had some heart to heart time. I want to forget it about all but I also don’t want to lose the memory that I had another child.

Catsycat Fri 08-Jul-11 09:30:33

Hi toobusy999, I'm so sorry for your loss - it is a very hard thing to happen and to come to terms with.

I experienced a lot of similar feelings to you when I lost our baby (still am experiencing them). I even apologised to my husband on several occasions for losing the baby. Knowing it was nothing I did is different to feeling it. It is also very important to me that the baby is not forgotten, and we're trying to decide on some sort of memorial to the baby (like a special plant in the garden). I haven't been ready to see friends yet, am just taking my time and doing what I feel I can cope with each day; and yes, I've been a bitch to my husband too.

I think how you are reacting seems "normal" for what has happened to you. But I know what you mean in terms of not knowing when you will be your old self again. I would say don't push it, be kind to yourself, and give yourself the time you need. If that means you are signed off work for longer then so be it.

Take care, and again I'm so sorry x

Mama5isalive Fri 08-Jul-11 10:33:28

Thoughts and prayers are with you toobusy999 - we have all recently experienced this and the feelings you have described are normal well as normal as it can be while on this side of the "threads"
I have good days and bad ones and when i wake up I pray Lord let this be a good day!!!!!!

be kind to yourself and maybe write a letter to your DH about why your acting this way it cant be helped but putting it down on paper may help!
I was on the "Jan 2012" thread and i am the last on the list of gone but not forgotten which is a mark for me always all the others seem to be going through their pregnancy blissfully happy, while my heart is broken xxxxx

Beans1977 Fri 08-Jul-11 16:26:57

Hi toobusy999

I'm so sorry for your experience and your loss. It seems so similar to my experience that I wanted to reply and send a virtual <<hug>>. We lost our baby on 26 April at 13 weeks at the nuchal scan, it had died two days before at 12+5. It was a big shock as we had seen the heartbeat at 11 weeks but they'd been unable to do the nuchal scan then so we had to go back. We also chose medical management, so I understand something of your experience.

I wanted to let you know that two months later the good days outnumber the bad. The strong emotions of anger, guilt, envy and pain that I felt have dulled down to an underlying sadness that can be troubling sometimes, but is manageable most of the time. I've found that the bad days can come when you least expect them, and perhaps a day you imagine will be bad (say, finding out a friend is pregnant, or it being the day of the week your baby would have been another older) can be a really good one. Every day really is different, so try and take it one day at a time.

I am also so sorry for your losses also Catsycat and Mama5isalive. MC is very cruel and painful - and I think only really understood by those who experience it. I have had to bite my lip a few times when I've been told that this is 'for the best' and it's 'very common' by well-meaning folk who haven't endured what we have.

Toobusy 999, As the others have said put yourself first at this time. Real friends will understand if you need your space and aren't up to seeing them immediately. I was also nervous to see friends and to go back to work - only do these things when you are ready, go at your own pace. I had a good week of hiding under the duvet and spending time with my DH going though everything again and again together before I could even think about re-connecting with the outside world.

We did all sorts to try and manage our grief, I'm not sure if any of these would help you? I made a memory box of everything we had to do with the baby - cards from people, photos from the first scan, some of my notes - and we bought an ornament of a mother and baby duckling together from Marks and Spencers, and have had the baby's due date engraved on the bottom. I also started a blog - sometimes I felt my feelings were driving me crazy so writing them all down has helped me let them out and make sense of them. You also might find you can get confidential counselling through the EAP programme most workplaces offer if you feel that might be useful.

A few months on we're getting there. I'm not quite my old self again and the world feels a slightly different place than it was before. But I'm able to look forwards now, as well as back, so hang in there and I really hope that as the days turn into weeks, and the weeks turn into months you will feel like your 'old self' once more.

Take care all of you xx

toobusy999 Sat 09-Jul-11 08:50:02

Dear Beans1977, thank you for your message - it's lovely to hear from someone who has been through a very similar experience and a relief to hear that it does get better. Sometimes I feel absolutely fine and then the next minute I'm cracking up again - I guess these things just take time.

So sorry for your losses too Catsycat and Mama5isalive and thank you for your thoughts. I hope you continue to mend.

xxx

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