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2nd Miscarriage unsure about returning to work

(6 Posts)
LisaJen Thu 30-Jun-11 14:01:46

Hi, Unfortunately my husband and I have just miscarried for the 2nd time this year. At the beginning of the year lost one at 5 weeks, this time I was 10 weeks, started to bleed, was scanned to find a sac was there with no baby inside. I was given a tablet to help the miscarriage to complete, horrible experience and very confused about how to feel, bonding with a baby that wasn't even there! As a side but very important issue, I hate my job, have done for some time. I returned to being a full time Account Manager when my son started school at 5 last year. But I've missed him terribly, not being able to do the school run and barely seeing him in the evenings oh and missing out on school plays etc. I also dislike the job itself and working with mostly men haven't been able to fit in well at all. Anyway, I'm waffling, my point is this pregnancy was giving me an end date with this job (4 months left) which I was able to handle, I wouldn't have returned to it after the mat leave. But now I feel for my family I should be going back, we have some debts to clear but I just can't handle the thought of it and its all got my head in a total mess. My husband has been great and is willing to get a different job so that I can find a more suitable part time job ie fitting around the school hours. But I know this is going to put us under more financial stress and am feeling bad about it. Does anyone have any advice? Or even job suggestions, I'm overweight and want to lose about 1 1/2 to 2 stone so as thinking of something local and physical. If I do go down that route of course. Thanks Lisa

Catsycat Thu 30-Jun-11 16:19:32

Hi LisaJen. Very sorry to hear about your mc - I just had one at 10 weeks and it's horrible. My baby only got to a few mm big and never had a visible heartbeat, but I felt I bonded from it from the moment I knew I was pregnant. I don't think it matters what developed or didn't -you were pregnant and were planning and hoping for the child you expected to have, which is very natural.

I can see why you want to leave your job. I have left jobs that I hate in the past, without the prompting of maternity leave, or another job to go to. I find it very difficult to find a job that I feel really happy in. I eventually went back to college part time and did a City & Guilds in Fashion, then set up my own business as a dressmaker, though I have now closed this down while my children are young. I am intending to start it back up once they go to school (or a similar business). My husband is very supportive - sounds like yours is too. Financially, to be honest we can afford for me not to work, and the "sacrifices" we make for that are ones we can very easily live with, e.g. a week off-peak in Cornwall, rather than a couple of weeks abroad for holidays - it isn't as though we can't afford essential stuff and a few treats. I do still feel some guilt that I don't have a well-paid career, especially compared to some of our friends. Obviously, I don't know your financial situation, but if the financial stress is going to be less than the stress of the job you're not enjoying, maybe it would be worth giving up.

Hard to suggest jobs without knowing your local area, background or interests - I knew a lady who had a business looking after pets while people were on holiday or at work - lots of dog walking involved and flexible hours so you'd get to see your son and get lots of exercise! We live somewhere very rural, so there are lots of farms / nurseries and courses related to that at the local college, so that is all quite physical, but probably long hours too. Finding it hard to think of very physical stuff that would bring in a lot of money... However, maybe if you felt happier with your job and work/life balance, you might find it easier to lose the weight without getting a physical job. (I am much more overweight than you sound to be, so not saying this from a "thin" perspective, but I know being stressed and busy makes me fatter!!!!!). How about something like teaching, if you could take the time out to train?

I have probably not helped at all here, but I do understand how frustrating a job you don't like can be. Hope you can find a solution, and that you start to feel a bit better soon too. xx

LisaJen Fri 01-Jul-11 19:19:33

Hi Catsycat,

Sorry to hear you've gone through a similar experience at 10 weeks, I can safely say I know what you're going through! Will you be trying again? (if you don't mind me asking). We plan on getting started again straight away, its something we so desperately want. I hope it all goes well for you.

Thank you for your kind message, it did indeed help. I have thought of the classroom assistant role or possibly childminding. I have a company popping to see me Sunday about cateloge distribution, so that will be interesting. The more I think about it and talk to people, going back to my old job just doesn't seem suitable, not for my mental health anyway!

Thank again, Lisa xx

Catsycat Fri 01-Jul-11 19:40:40

Hi Lisa. I do want to try again, but my mc was more bloody and nasty than I even expected (I have a thread on the mc board "so fed up of waiting" which has all the extremely unpleasant details!!). I was scared of trying again when I knew I would mc, in case I lost a second baby, because of the emotional pain. Once it happened and it was so much worse than I thought physically, it has really scared me. I do really want a third baby to complete our family, so will see what happens once the bleeding has settled, and I feel better physically. I dare say I'll give it at least one more go.

I hope you manage to get pregnant again quickly - I think you're very brave, and I'm really sorry that this has happened twice this year.

I'm glad you've found some options to look at job-wise. Good luck with everything.

Angela x

LisaJen Mon 04-Jul-11 11:33:59

Hi Angela,

I do hope it all settles for you soon, I know it's difficult to move on with that reminder, I was glad when mine settled.

Good luck with everything too.
Lisa x

Mitzimaybe Tue 05-Jul-11 15:00:32

LisaJen I've only just seen this, so forgive me for such a late response. Sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience to you back in March although I had started bleeding before the scan, which found a sac but no sign of anything in it. It was still your baby; the egg was fertilised and growing, otherwise there wouldn't even have been a sac, so of course you were bonding with it, just as I did in the short time I knew I was pregnant. Let yourself grieve as much as you need to.

Only you can decide about the job so all I will say is, it's not a good idea to make big life decisions when your hormones are in freefall. Give yourself a few weeks and see how you feel then. If the job is constantly making you miserable then look for something else. Good luck.

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