miscarrying again, how do you get over it?

[hopefulgum]

I'm quite sure I am miscarrying. I'm 9 weeks, but since last Friday have had a brownish discharge, lost my symptoms, and now I'm losing a more watery, pinkish brown discharge and have cramping. This happened to me in December too. I'm having an ultrasound later today, but I'm pretty sure of what we'll see.

The last miscarriage was just so hard. I'm 44, and I know it is because of my age. I should just be satisfied with the healthy kids I have, but I so wanted to give my 2 year old a sibling because my other kids are much older than he is. I also really wanted another baby.

So getting pregnant again has been wonderful. I was so sure things would be fine this time, and had a healthy, right on track baby at 7+4(but also had a healthy on track babe last time at 8 weeks). I was so optimistic I bought maternity clothes and baby things. I feel like such an idiot.

I just want to know how others go on, how they get through this, especially if you know there's very little chance of ever having another baby?

[faintpositive]

Hi, wanted to say hello.
im nearly 41 and started bleeding last night (see diary of a pessimistic optomist thread). im 7+4 and this will be my 6th miscarriage.

You never do get over it i dont think. It scars your soul.

For me, its a fact of life now.
Its never going to happen and so i aim to get through the next week with pain killers and sleep, then im going to get 2 stone off, im going to get well physically so that i can enjoy my 7 year old and have a good family life.
We have holidays planned and lots to look forward to.

Sorry you are going through this, its awful, there is nothing any one can say. Jut take care of yourself and enjoy your kids x

[hopefulgum]

Thanks Faintpositive
I'm so sorry you have been through this so many times. How heartbreaking.

I've had it confirmed with an ultrasound. Now I'm making plans like you - shed some weight, cherish my family, reduce the clutter in our lives, plan holidays and live in the moment.

I can't believe I now have to get through 2 due dates knowing there will be no baby.

[lovesmountains]

Hi hopefulgum,

Just wanted to say how sorry to hear you have miscarried, you must feel totally devastated.

I'm also 44 and desperate for a sibling for my 6 year old DD. I miscarried in March and haven't got my cycles back to normal yet so not even trying at the moment.

Its so hard isn't it. I need to live in the moment, be thankful for my little girl and get on with living as TTC has possily taken over my life too much. Easier said than done.

Take good care of yourself, and give yourself time, so so sorry this has happened to you.
xx

[Catsycat]

Hi hopefulgum. I had a ERPC yesterday (see "so fed up of waiting"), and am torn between the idea of just being happy with my two lovely DDs, and trying again for the 3rd baby that I so wanted to complete our family. I am so scared of what it would do to me to miscarry again, especially as I ended up with a very violent and unpleasant mc. I guess it's something we just have to work out for ourselves (sorry that isn't much help), and as DH said yesterday, right after/during the mc isn't maybe the best time to decide. I know my odds aren't getting any better, I'm 38.

However, I have a good friend who just had a baby this year. I believe she is 46, and had been told she wouldn't have another baby as she was menopausal. She had 2 previous mc, one before DC1 and one between DC1 and DC2. I have another friend who had her second child in her mid 40s, after about 6 mc. So I'm clinging to that as hope at the moment - it is proof that it can happen.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. And you're not an idiot for buying things - I did the same. I think it's normal when you want the baby so much. I hope you have the chance to use the things again one day. Take care xx

[Catsycat]

Didn't mean to imply BTW that some mcs weren't unpleasant - mine was just rather grimmer than I expected, which was all I meant. x

[hopefulgum]

Thanks so much for your replies.

I saw my Dr today and she's organised an erpc for tomorrow morning. I had the choice of going naturally or using the drugs, but with the kids at home, I just didn't want to go through the physical pain and bloodiness of it. Also, they will test the tissue to see if it was chromosomal and hopefully tell me the sex of the baby - I think it may help with the grief.

I know it is too early to make any decisions, but I sincerely feel I will probably want to try again. That said, I don't know if realistically I can cope with the worry, and my DH wasn't keen these last two times, so I'm doubtful in that department too. All I want him to say is "If you want to try again, we will", but I don't think he will, which will make it all the harder IYKWIM.

Before my first miscarriage, I had no idea how common this is, nor how sad and painful it is. I can't believe how many women go through this.

I wish society in general was better at supporting people who are suffering the grief of loss associated with miscarriage. I was astounded at the way I was treated last time, particularly by the medical profession. At least I'm prepared for it this time. When I woke from the anesthetic, the first thing the theatre nurse said to me when I started to cry was,"It is probably for the best". I couldn't see whose "best" interest it served and it really didn't help. Then afterwards, the dr was "sorry" that the lab didn't process the tissue properly, so they couldn't tell me anything, other than that it was "a baby". It was because it happened in the period between Christmas and New Years. Amazing. I wish we had those results because it may make a difference now, especially as it has happened again.

I suppose I am just processing everything all over again.

BTW, Lovesmountains, we have a fabulous group of 40+ women ttc over on the Fantastic 40+ Thread. It is very supportive and we welcome new ladies.