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So fed up with waiting!

(42 Posts)
Catsycat Mon 27-Jun-11 21:03:25

Sorry but I'm going to moan.

Last monday I had a scan that showed my 9 week pregnancy was not viable. I had another scan on Wednesday privately that confirmed this, and again on Thursday I was scanned as I changed hospitals, and it was still not looking good. (I put a post on the pregnancy board about all this last week). I'm just horrified that this is happening, and so sad about the baby sad

What I'm finding just awful at the moment is that I have to wait a week for another scan to show no growth before I can get any medical help with the mc. I realise they have to be sure, but it just seems so cruel (my baby should have measured 24mm last week and measured between 2.7 and 4mm depending who was measuring, so I'd have to have conceived the day before I tested positive, and still have a below average size baby for this to fit with my dates). I know there is no hope. I started bleeding and cramping on and off just when wiping on thursday last week, and this carried on over the weekend. It is a bit more today, but only like a very, very light period, nothing more.

I just feel like I can't do anything or go anywhere, as I'm terrified I could suddenly be in agony and bleeding heavily at any moment. I would love to be able to go out shopping or something just to take my mind off it, and my parents want me to go out with them tomorrow, but I'm feeling so intimidated about not knowing when the actual mc will occur. DH works away, and has been going out loads in the evening so he doesnt have to think about it, and it's really annoying me that he can get away from thinking about it, and I can't.

If it was all over and finalised, I just feel I could try to move on, but it's like a big horrible stumbling block lying somewhere in front of me. Sorry to moan, but just hoping some of you will get what I mean and not just think I'm being a whingy cow!

MistressofPemberley Mon 27-Jun-11 22:11:05

Hi catsy. I know how you feel. Had a mc on Friday after a week or so of spotting and cramping. The cramps and backaches went on for a few days with only very light brown spotting, and then I started bleeding still quite lightly. It was only on Friday after a morning of contraction type pains that I started passing clots and much more blood. I was 11 weeks but I'm sure the pregnancy stopped developing a while ago. The actual blood loss was not as frightening or painful as I'd feared. There was no gushing, or being caught short. I think from your measurements you'll only pass what feel like small clots. Try not to be scared. It does sound like things are happening spontaneously for you. Once you are bleeding, I personally would rest at home with painkillers and pads and someone around.

You are right though; the limbo period is horrific. I was so relieved once I actually started bleeding and miscarrying properly. I felt instant relief from cramps and backache, and a scan confirmed it was all out.

I hope it all happens quickly for you and that your body does what it should. Then you can begin to grieve and heal. It's awful, and cruel, and unfair but you will have that baby you so dearly desire one day.

Catsycat Mon 27-Jun-11 23:33:03

Thanks MistressofPemberley for your reply, and your kind words. I'm so sorry you've gone through this too.

I feel so bad for wanting it to be over, because it feels like I want the baby gone (and that was the last thing I ever wanted), and today is the first day I haven't cried for the baby (until now). I just hate this so much.

iggitwotimes Mon 27-Jun-11 23:39:06

Hi Catsy. I just wanted to say regarding staying in, it's always been pretty clear to me when heavier bleeding was going to start, increase in pain etc. So (ime) fine to go out or whatever, I'd expect you to have a bit of notice from your body. You're going through an awful time, I do think you start to heal a little once the physical side is over. (I have had 4 mc).

Catsycat Tue 28-Jun-11 10:16:42

Thanks iggi, that helps. So sorry to hear you've gone through this four times.

Mookymoo Tue 28-Jun-11 12:40:39

Hi, just wanted to post you to say I'm thinking of you too, thanks for your post on my thread. Don't feel bad, it's natural to want to be in one consistent situation. Is there anything you can do at home that's not too strenuous?
I've faffed about repotting some plants and sorting some paperwork so far today while DD is at childminder's (I'd normally be at work).

Catsycat Tue 28-Jun-11 19:58:39

OMG - I know I said I'm fed up of waiting, but I think its all happening now.

I got the 2 DDs back from nursery at 6pm and felt something was amiss. Went to the loo and literally it was like a tap had been turned on and there was just blood pouring out sad Sorry for TMI, but am absolutely horrified. I didn't realise how runny the blood was - was expecting thick clotty stuff instead. 40 minutes later I was getting DD2 ready for bed and felt another gush - couldn't do anything as changing a nappy. It totally filled a new pad, my knickers, leggings, went all over my feet and soaked through the rug onto the floor. I had to try and get out as quickly as possible without DD1 seeing what had happened. More blood pouring out in the toilet, then similar when putting DD1 to bed half an hour later, but managed to get to the toilet quicker so less horrific. Had to read bedtime story sounding like my voice was breaking, as I was (still am) cramping like hell. It was very, very sudden, as I'd feared.

DH not back till 9ish, and looking for reassurance that this might be the worst of it over - a bit worried that I'm on my own with the kids for the next hour - A&E is 17 miles away and seems very distant!!! Sorry for being a total baby.

Also, any tips on getting blood out of a flat woven wool rug - I don't need to see that every day - hopefully got the worst out with baby wipes sad

MistressofPemberley Tue 28-Jun-11 22:17:40

Oh catsy that sounds awful and so frightening. And everything that I said wouldn't happen. I'm so sorry. My experience was so different. I really hope you are ok and that DH is home now. If you are still bleeding at that rate you must get yourself to A & E to be looked at.

Mookymoo Wed 29-Jun-11 12:39:26

I hope you're ok and that your DH got home to you quickly. That sounds so terrible, take big big care of yourself

Catsycat Thu 30-Jun-11 09:06:23

Thanks Mookymoo and MistressofPemberley for your posts.

DH got home at 9.30, two more horrible gushes after that, and I found myself lying on the bathroom floor with DH mid-conversation with the ambulance service. They arrived shortly after, and took me to Warwick. The ambulance crew were lovely - a married couple who had had 4 mcs, so they were really understanding and kind. Spent the night in A&E - more hideous bleeding and three internal exams which were agonizing as they were basically pulling out the remains with forceps (sorry TMI). Blood pressure kept dropping severely, so I kept nearly fainting, and round the second examination I was in a lot of pain. Fortunately Warwick are always ready with the oral morphine, as well as paracetamol and diclofenac - they really dont believe in leaving you in pain. At about 8am yesterday the consultant came down to A&E to do an ultrasound which showed the remaining stuff was all in my cervix, which was why I was in pain, because the cervix can't push it out and it was creating a lot of pressure. My cervix has never dilated more than 2-3 cm in either previous pregnancy, and was only open to 1cm, so wasn't enough to empty all of it out. They were going to give me tablets to see if that would get it all out before I had surgery, but in the end I was put onto the front of the day surgery list, and went up to have an ERPC at about 9.30am. No more pain after that, and now just quite light bleeding, and I was allowed home at about 3pm. Feeling a bit shaky still, but OK.

We are going to collect the remains when the lab have finished with them, as I couldn't bear to have them burnt.

I can't say enough how lovely absolutely everyone at the hospital was. Really kind and humane, and so understanding of what was happening. All the doctors said they were sorry for what had happened, which I just thought was so nice.

Mama5isalive Thu 30-Jun-11 19:07:36

Catsycat - im so sorry what an awful time you had and after all that still ended up in hospital!!!! and all that could of been avoided.
Also MOP - 4 times you say- i hope you are ok and you seem very strong to be on here posting and offering advice!

all the best in the future x

MistressofPemberley Thu 30-Jun-11 22:36:57

Only 2 for me mama. iggit has had 4.

Jesus Christ catsy. sounds awful. Really hope you're getting there.

I suppose I've never thought of the mechanics before. The ongoing labour pains I had obviously opened my cervix right up so I could pass it all with relative ease. Good to know that I labour well, even if I cant seem to stay pregnant lately. So where did all the blood come from, that's what I don't get? Sorry for these insensitive questions. Ignore me. I'm thinking way too much about mcs lately. It just makes it so scary to even think about doing it all again.

Really hope you're physically beginning to heal. You sound very brave. Take lots of care of yourself.

Mama5isalive Thu 30-Jun-11 23:45:16

so sorry MOP for the mistype yes it was iggy the message was for! missed her name out completely! we r all strong for what we have to endure the pain, heartache, sorry, doubts, confusion,emotions and hormones and then all the other stuff!
But im sorry MOP for what your dealing with!
Catsy -how you doing, have you had painkillers!

iggitwotimes Fri 01-Jul-11 01:03:02

Good grief Catsy sounds like I gave you crap advice - I haven't had to experience such a lot of bleeding, you poor thing.

honeyjam Fri 01-Jul-11 07:20:23

Dear Catsy, I am so sorry for how terrible your experience has been. Please if possible try to take it easy and not be surprised how crap you may feel.Emotionally and physically. lots of love Honeyjam xx

Catsycat Fri 01-Jul-11 19:27:03

Hi, Am feeling really crap today, spent the day in bed avoiding DCs sad and we've run out of paracetamol!!!! Will have to send DH to Tesco...

Mistressof Pemberley they said the bleeding would continue until the remains had been removed from my cervix - I guess it was my body trying to "wash" them out. That's why they were in there with the forceps quite so vigourously sad trying to remove everything. I had a drip going in each arm to replace the fluids, as i was dehydrated, and they put in 5 litres before I even went to surgery. They had lots of fun trying to get the drips in as my veins collapsed by the time I got to hospital (and I have useless veins anyway!). At one point the fluid went in the drip then started leaking out further up my arm where they'd tried and failed to put one in earlier. It would have been funny if the whole thing hadn't been so awful. There was dark muttering about transfusions, but thank goodness it never got to that point.

Iggitwotimes don't worry about the advice you gave - I guess it is just different for everyone. I have a really uncooperative cervix, which it seems may have partly caused the problem again - it just doesn't want to open. I am so sorry you have gone through this 4 times - I don't know if I could be that strong. Once more and I think I might be done.

Hopefully most people go into labour properly (not me!), and mc properly if it comes to that.

Thanks for your good wishes as well mama5isalive and honeyjam - much appreciated.

Mama5isalive Fri 01-Jul-11 19:40:54

OOHH catsycat - you poor sweety! big hugs to you and yours - dont feel bad im sure your family will totally understand how your feeling!
hope all is well with you and - i hate veins mines are also awful and the best blood nurse still failed with me!!!!!! my drip ended up in my wrist!!!!!
well im cramping today so i checked and im bleeding so has my period come already im wondering! it sure does feel like it!
Gp signed me off until the 11th July - he said if im not ready i should call for him to sign me off for longer!
Very nice GP - he was upset no aftercare was offered from the hospital!

Catsycat Sat 02-Jul-11 10:30:36

Hi Mama5 I'm with you on the vein thing - looks like we are vein buddies! I had one drip in my wrist, and one in the other hand. One arm is still swollen (like Popeye), the other has a huge purple and green bruise down it. Lovely - at least DD1 is impressed with the bruise.

I'm glad you have a nice GP - you certainly deserve it after the time you had in hospital. I think you should ask for more time off if you need it.

babytantrums Sat 02-Jul-11 16:01:08

HI Catsycat

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Your experience sounds similar to mine - loads of bleeding, passing out 4 times (after being on the toilet for hours as pads couldn't contain it) low blood pressure, feeling very hot, then very, very cold and clammy, eventually being taken to hospital in an ambulance, then the forceps clearing large clots out of the way.. lovely. Mine doesn't sound as severe as yours - I think they only gave me a couple of litres. Funnily enough, I also had problems with my cervix opening when I had my DC. They used the gel (which did nothing) then induced me and apparently had to turn the drip up higher than the midwives had ever seen it. Iin the end, I gave birth naturally. I think my cervix must just be lazy.

Like you though, the hospital were lovely and really looked after me. My red blood count is still really low 5 weeks later, so make sure you look after yourself! Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Catsycat Sun 03-Jul-11 12:08:22

Hi babytantrums, thanks for your message. It's horrible isn't it. The forceps was particularly nasty, especially as I just wasn't expecting it.

I had 3 lots of prostins (the pessaries) with DD1 over 2 days, loads of pain but no real contractions, then 1 day 9am-9pm on the drip, which got me to 2-3cm, no more. Then I had an emergency c-section. I really wanted a water birth at home, which was all set up - when I got home I just kept going into the room with the pool and crying, until DH cleared it away. With DD2, I tried for a VBAC, found a lovely midwife who did about 6 stretch and sweeps from 37 weeks on. I did go into labour, but again 3 days of irregular contractions and an emergency section, as I only got 2-3cm dilated after all that. I was going to give up and have a planned c-section this time - but obviously it never got that far. I didn't think there was actually anything wrong with my cervix until the mc - my friend just thought I was such a perfectionist about the birth that it stopped it happening, and I tended to agree - but now I think there is really something wrong with me. All I wanted was to have children, and I never really bothered with a career because I always envisaged giving it up to have DC, so it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to realise I wasn't intended for this after all.

Ignore me, just feeling miserable, can't see at the moment how I'll ever feel OK again.

Mama5isalive Sun 03-Jul-11 18:35:51

oh Catsycat - i really think you need to get your doctor to let you see someone because if it is a problem and it can be corrected it will give you more hope and you can then about your future!
I felt quite sad today was at church and i thought right today is my last time im going to talk about it, then a fairly new pregnant women came up and told me she found out when she was 8 weeks and all i thought was yeh and my baby died at 9/10 weeks! i felt happy for her but still so sad for myself! i just want to fast forwards to next year now so all can have their babies and i can just close that chapter in my life once and for all. im still getting people telling me how sorry they are and i think not as sorry as me!
CC and the others - hard and harder day at first i guess! then not so hard and easier for the rest until good & bad days!!!!!!!!
I just want my body back now! bleeding on friday then nothing again but little pains in my stomach and in my back! i need to call the ERPC unit again tomo i think!

Catsycat Mon 04-Jul-11 22:47:36

Hi Mama5, I hope you're OK - did you speak to the ERPC? I don't know how I'll take the pregnant women at DD2's baby group next week - not looking forward to it, it must have been difficult for you with the woman at church.

Feeling a bit better today, so sorry for whinging and being stupid on previous post, especailly as so many people have had it much worse than me - must have sounded a right cow! Went to test drive a new car and then off to Ikea, so have taken my mind off it all a bit today (only temporarily, I'm sure, I'm not that shallow!!!). DD1 and 2 were being really funny and cute too, which was very nice!

Mama5isalive Wed 06-Jul-11 11:18:53

oh CC - i called and the midwife sounded so nice and knew how im feeling!
awaiting phonecall for an appointment right now, she asked if i would be ok returning to the hospital which was nice i said as long as im nowhere near that part of the hospital i should be fine! fingers crossed!
decided to change my room around needed the change i wish i never started so much stuff, came across loads of baby stuff bined it all!
no more bleeding or pain thank God!

Catsycat Wed 06-Jul-11 22:15:25

Hi Mama5. I'm glad the midwife was nice, hope you'll be sorted out and feeling physically better soon (though of course emotionally it'll be a long road). Hope you haven't tired yourself out too much with the housework. Remember to take it a bit easy too... take care x

Mama5isalive Thu 07-Jul-11 23:36:48

CC- yes i am taking it easy and so glad for my room looks better!
still waiting to hear from the MW to call me!
yes so glad physical healing is well on its way, emotional healing is up and down!
dont know if im mad but i really want the physical change to be on the outside too so i have changed my hairstyle looking at a new way for me to lose weight quickly i have cut down my food intake and really feel better for it! i want to be so far from my mummy body that no one will have to asked again if im pregnant!!!!!!!!

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