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Should have been half way this week, :(

(4 Posts)
morethemerrier Tue 21-Jun-11 21:08:24

Everyone in my family appears to have forgotten the trauma of my miscarriage in March, appart from me. I think as it would have been No 4,so it doesnt matter in fact my father in law actually had the nerve to tell me not to have any more as my eldest has learning difficulties and I have my hands full.

I cant help but feel cheated,and a failiure at having lost the baby I so wanted but that now feels like others think I was never entitled to.

Therefore it belittles the feeling of grief, why should I feel like this when I have three beautiful children. Surely I should be happy for the family I have,which of course I am,but I have still suffered a miscarriage,the loss of a baby who would have been much loved and a part of the family.

luckyfor2 Tue 21-Jun-11 21:31:39

I'm so sorry people have belittled your prescious baby. You have every right to grieve, your baby was real and much loved as any other child you have had. I think people really believe that it isn't as painful if you already have children and I guess in some ways it is a comfort but all I could do was remember the overwhelming love when giving birth and bringing up my children and to know that I couldn't do that with my miscarried children was extremely painful. I hope you have some people in real life that understands and who listen to how you feel, you certainly aren't a failure. Most of my family were pretty rubbish to be honest and it was only the people who had experienced the pain that did understand. Take care of yourself and talk/grieve for your baby as much as you need to. Obviously you will never forget your prescious baby but I hope the pain eases for you as time goes by. x

morethemerrier Tue 21-Jun-11 21:44:41

Thank you so much for your reply, my mum has been good but my OH appeared to be relieved which didnt help, even though he was happy when I was pregnant. I know I am lucky, but cant help feeling that I am incomplete x

Catsycat Thu 23-Jun-11 11:29:10

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I found out I had lost my baby yesterday at 9 weeks, and I am dreading someone saying "be grateful you have 2 already" as I think I think I would slap someone! To be honest, much as I was terribly sorry for friends who have gone through this before, and would have loved to have known the right thing to say/do, I can't say I understood properly just how horrible it is until yesterday.

I understand the feeling a failure; even though my rational mind is telling me this is just a random awful thing that happened, I still apologised to my husband for losing the baby.

Like Lucky said above, having children already is really hard, as one look at them is a reminder of how much you have lost.

The other thing I feel, is just tremendous sadness that there is no proof the baby was there, and that it will be forgotten. I am going to make a little book of the few things I have (photos of the empty sac from the private scan I had yesterday, and the report the consultant wrote, a poem I wrote for the baby, nice e-mails I had from my friends offering their sympathy, etc). If I want to talk to the baby, I will write down what I want to say and put it in the book - maybe this will help when it comes to my due date for example. I think we will have a memorial type thing just in the garden too, maybe release a balloon or something just to say goodbye. I think these things will help me personally, I'm not suggesting they would be right for everyone.

I guess what I am saying is that you have every right to grieve in your own way and for as long as you like, and no-one has the right to deny you this. It would be unhealthy to do otherwise.

Maybe the "relief" your OH seems to show is his reaction to his own grief? Obviously I don't know him or you at all, but could you talk with him about it? My OH always copes with things very differently to me, and sometimes it can be hard to understand, especially when things are traumatic enough already.

I do hope it will become less painful for all of us as time goes on, though of course we will never forget. x

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