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Miscarriage at 6 weeks

(32 Posts)
Twittwooo Thu 16-Jun-11 18:04:13

I'm not sure why I'm posting on here but I suppose it's because, other than my wonderful husband who is also heartbroken, I don't want to tell anyone close to me about the experience.

I found out I was pregnant a month ago and my husband and I were both over the moon. We spoke about all sorts of things from baby names to how our lives were set to change. We started looking into moving home. We spoke about the possibility of miscarriage and how we might feel if it happened. We decided that because anything can happen during the first 12 weeks we would not tell anyone until the first scan. We were excited, but I was nervous in case anything went wrong.

I wish we hadn't spoken about the negatives. I wish I had completely cut out caffeine instead of letting myself have the odd cup of tea or coffee every other day. I wish I didn't lift that stuff at work or those shopping bags. I wish I hadn't had any alcohol at all while trying to conceive. I wish I hadn't taken that ibuprofen for what was probably morning sickness, although I didn't realise I was pregnant at the time. I wish I hadn't worried about having to tell people I wasn't drinking or hiding things from people at work. If I could change things back, I wouldn't care if the whole world knew or if my boss hated me. I wish I had called the midwife as soon as I got that little bit of brown spotting instead of looking up forums and deciding it was probably quite normal. I wish I knew what caused it, and I wish I knew what I could have done to stop it.

I feel so incredibly sad. I've been busy at work for the last two days while I've been miscarrying and it has taken my mind of things, but as soon as I'm not there it's all I can think about. I didn't believe I would feel like this.

I'm sorry for the long message, but I needed an outlet. I'm not looking for answers and I'm not looking for sympathy, but I suppose it would help to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

If you've got to this stage in my post, thanks for reading. xx

ChristinedePizan Thu 16-Jun-11 18:11:28

Nothing you did or didn't do caused it. Miscarriages happen at this stage because (usually) there is something wrong with the developing foetus. No one could have stopped it - neither you nor the midwife. It's really, really hard but please try not to blame yourself. I know that's easier said than done but it can drive you insane.

Give yourself the space to grieve - people will (if you tell them) tell you it's really common and one in three pregnancies end in miscarriage but those are really unhelpful to hear. What is important is that this was your much longed for baby and you lost it. And that's terribly, terribly sad.

Take care x

Twittwooo Thu 16-Jun-11 19:36:33

Thank you.

I know from reading a million websites that what you say is right, but it is difficult not to feel some kind of guilt. My body rejected our baby, and it feels like a very personal thing. I couldn't help myself from apologising to my husband last night.

I know how common miscarriages are, and I can't help thinking I should just be able to get over it. We didn't expect to become pregnant as soon into trying as we did. Just six weeks ago we wouldn't have believed it if someone told us we were going to be pregnant only a month later, so I feel like I should accept that yes, as we thought, it wouldn't happen this soon. Can I just forget the miscarriage and pretend we're still trying and that a pregnancy hasn't happened yet? I think that's what I'm hoping I can do.

notnowImreading Thu 16-Jun-11 19:38:44

I was in a very similar position two weeks ago, except I was so confident that I had told quite a few people about the pregnancy and even now I know that there are a couple I haven't told about the miscarriage. It's horrible, isn't it?

I don't know whether you've been to the doctors yet or not, but it might be worth it. I miscarried while I was on holiday and by the time I got back it was too late to have a scan, but that's been playing on my mind ever since. I think you're meant to have a scan to check that it was a complete miscarriage so that you can be sure you're all clear to start trying again. It's something that's been worrying me, so if you get the chance to avoid the anxiety, I'd take it.

The other thing I'd say is that you might feel really debilitatingly tired for a while. I thought I was fine to go back to work after my holiday (a week afterwards) but the first few days were pretty tough in terms of the tiredness and the hormonal moods (or maybe just normal sadness about a crappy thing). Everyone has said to me that it's good to know that I can get pregnant, at least - if anyone else says it I might just punch them in the face (mentally - I'm not actually a crazy woman).

Sorry you are going through this. It is rubbish. Solidarity, sister. x

ChristinedePizan Thu 16-Jun-11 19:43:45

Of course you feel guilty. There are very few women who are sanguine (sane?) enough to tell themselves that it is absolutely not their fault and believe it.

But you will get through that bit. More than anything, try and be kind to yourself.

Twittwooo Thu 16-Jun-11 19:50:17

Thank you, and I'm so sorry to read about your experience. Being away from home must have made it even worse. I think it helps to hear from someone in a similar position though.

I went to see the doctor last night. She was absolutely lovely and has taken a blood test. She said it was probably a bit too early for a scan. She phoned me today to say that the results have not come back yet and that she'd see me at my next appointment on Monday. How nice is that? She didn't have to phone, and it was at 7pm.

I've been at work today and yesterday, and although I'm feeling very sad I think it's better than being at home and dwelling on things. I haven't told anyone about the miscarriage. Nobody knew about the pregnancy so I don't want to bring it up and my husband feels the same, although I know if either of us changed our mind the other would be fine about it.

I wish I could take it easy for the next few days, but we have a lot of traveling to do, a wedding and a funeral to attend. We only got married last year and are dreading family members we have not seen for a while asking the inevitable questions about starting a family. I really hope that doesn't happen, I'm not sure how we'd deal with it.

I'm sorry you have gone through this too, thanks for replying and good luck. xxx

kd73 Thu 16-Jun-11 19:52:27

Huge hugs, I have worn your shoes and they aren't nice.

Life will be really hard for some time, you might have had a miscarriage and they might be really common, but not to you and your DH. Grieve for your baby and the life you would have lived, but also celebrate that little time you had together as a family and the joy the pregnancy brought. One day it will be better but for the moment, look after you and your DH.

notnowImreading Thu 16-Jun-11 19:57:49

I actually feel much better already (better than crap, obvs). I know it hasn't been long, but I have had lots of other things to do at work and my hormones do seem to have settled down. I would so much have loved to stay pregnant and I have been grieving, but I'm starting to feel like myself again. You will too, when it's right for you. Hopefully I'll see you on here again in a couple of months, trying again with hope. Look after yourself.

notnowImreading Thu 16-Jun-11 20:00:13

PS - I went to a family wedding after 5 days, welled up in the church, welled up again when playing with my baby niece - take tissues and waterproof mascara! Then get drunk.

ChristinedePizan Thu 16-Jun-11 20:29:59

You might find you want to tell a few people - close friends, family. I found it helped enormously to have others to share the burden with. Obviously it's a hugely personal decision but it's worth considering.

Twittwooo Fri 17-Jun-11 08:14:16

Thanks everyone, your replies really mean a lot. I think I'm beginning to deal with it - I read through this thread for the first time without crying this morning - just!

I'm trying to look forward to our busy weekend ahead rather than dreading it.

I have thought about sharing our loss with close friends but I don't think I will, I think the support we are giving each other is enough and I kind of just want to move on rather then dwell on it.

We have decided to start trying again as soon as we can. If anything, this experience has made us realise just how much we want to start a family and for me it's put into perspective all the little things I was worried about - will we manage in a one bedroom flat?; will we be okay financially?; will my temporary employment contract continue after maternity leave?; how am I going to hide it from people for the first 12 weeks? I now realise that when the time comes again, we will manage despite all these niggles.

I'm trying to look at our experience almost as a trial run - it let us begin planning both practically and emotionally to become parents even though it hurt when it felt like something very special was taken away.

I am trying to feel hopeful that we will get pregnant again and although I am worried that I will be panicking every single day because of what has happened this time, I think it will help to be positive and move on.

The hardest thing at the moment is that I feel there is no closure for our loss, but I hope that will somehow come with time.

There - I've even got through writing this post without a tear in sight! Reading and writing on this thread has been very theraputic for me so thank you to everyone. It's helped a lot.

I'm so sorry that anyone is on this particular section of the forum and I wish you all well. Lots of love to you all. xxx

InsomniaQueen Fri 17-Jun-11 16:54:00

Twittwooo found your thread!!!

After a good cry, lots of cuddles and some comfort food I am getting myself sorted. I know that we will just keep trying until we get there......I can't start panicking about another MC when it hasn't happened yet.

I know that we will be ok and just hope that we will get the thing that is missing in our lives!!! We have everything that we wanted to have in place before having a family and now I've decided to just try to enjoy the process. the main thing for me is not to keep working so hard.....I've promised my hubby - no more late nights, no more bringing work home and finding more time to myself to chill and enjoy my life!

Best wishes to Twittwooo and everyone on the thread!!!

VikkieSh Sat 18-Jun-11 15:43:04

I could have written this post myself...all of your "I wish I hadn't .....s" are the same as mine. I feel like I did something wrong. It's so hard. It's been a month for me and I can only just talk about it. I wish sometimes other people could see my pain. Those of us who have been there can feel your pain are not alone. X

harrietlichman Sat 18-Jun-11 21:49:26

Twittwooo I was on the same antenatal thread as you and had to come off as have miscarrried today. I was only 6 weeks pregnant and having had a previous mc (though I count my blessings every day for my two dcs) I knew what was happening as soon as I woke up this morning. I am so very, very sad, and like you thinking 'if only' about every single thing that might have caused this to happen. I am not even close to understanding why I will not meet this baby, who I had started to imagine next summer, next christmas etc etc. I am dreading waking up tomorrow morning and realising I am not pregnant anymore. I guess we will just have to get through it and pick ourselves up but it feels so hard.

Twittwooo Mon 20-Jun-11 09:44:08

I'm so sorry to hear your news VikkieSh and harrietlichman, and InsomniaQueen I'm glad you're beginning to feel a bit better. Harriet - I remember you from the Feb 2012 thread. I hope everyone got through the weekend okay and are starting the week on a slightly more positive note.

I still wake every morning feeling so sad, remembering what has happened. I think about it all the time, there is not a moment when I don't and that's very hard.

I was at a wedding at the weekend, and hadn't planned to drink very much because it didn't feel right, however as the evening went on people were offering me drinks and I ended up drinking quite a lot of wine! I woke up the next morning feeling terribly guilty and very upset with myself that I had been drinking. I'm not sure why I felt like that, but it made me question whether I had really accepted what has happened. I'm still not sure.

I'm going to see the doctor this afternoon who will do a second blood test I think. I feel like I want to ask her lots of questions about what I should worry about the next time around, what I should and shouldn't do compared to the last time around. If I do fall pregnant again, I want to make sure I do everything by the book.

I think this being my first ever pregnancy has put the fear in me that I will never have a child, and because of that I'm desperate to become pregnant again.

Good luck to everyone. xx

harrietlichman Mon 20-Jun-11 12:36:28

I accidentally got quite drunk yesterday, and then had to take myself off and cry...woke up this morning feeling hungover and depressed. I haven't been to the doctor - have got to phone and cancel my midwife appointment and am dreading it. As today has worn on though I am trying to be positive. I am so, so lucky to have two dc's and I know this - and I am sure it will happen for you Twittwooo - you know you can conceive, and from all that I have read (and am sure you have too!) you realise just how common it is. My worry is that I am 39 and have mc twice now, so feel like time is running out. I have already decided that if I do conceive again, it will be absolutely no alcohol/coffee etc etc, so that I can be 100% certain I have done all I can. I really hope everything works out for you - who knows, we may yet get to join another thread together (fingers crossed!) x

Twittwooo Mon 20-Jun-11 13:01:02

harrietlichman, thanks for your post. It made me feel a whole lot better reading that you've been through almost the exact same as me in terms of feelings and emotions. I think I know how you were feeling this morning and I hope the day gets better as it goes on.

I'm sure we have read the same posts over the last few days and it does help to learn how common it is, although somehow it sounds awful to say that other people going through the same thing makes me feel better.

I am 33 and now wish we had started planning a family earlier, as I do feel we are not getting any younger especially after what has just happened. We're going to start trying again ASAP so fingers crossed!

harrietlichman, it would be lovely if we ended up on another thread together.


harrietlichman Mon 20-Jun-11 14:20:25

I had my first at 34, Twittwoo, it is not old at all, you have got plenty of time. I think we are getting our head around trying again asap too, I will keep everything crossed for you and be looking out for how you get on. Stay positive, think good thoughts and kinow that good days are ahead. As you say, it seems awful to say that other people going through it makes you feel better, but I know exactly what you mean - you wouldn't wish it on anyone but you do feel that you are not alone, and also that people do get through this. Thank you for opening this thread, it has been lovely to 'talk' to you! xx

Twittwooo Mon 20-Jun-11 14:29:54

harrietlichman, your kind words mean a lot and I will be keeping everything crossed for both of us. It's been lovely to 'talk' to you too, and I'm looking forward to reading some good news from you on these boards in the future! xx

MissRedIndie Mon 20-Jun-11 21:11:19

Hi Twittwooo and Harriet, I was on your antenatal thread too (Twittwooo, think I joined just as you were leaving), and am rather upsettingly finding myself on this thread now instead. I started to bleed in the middle of the night and it's been heavy enough that I'm pretty confident that there's no chance I'll still be pregnant.

Completely understand everyones' disappointment, it's just so hard when you've already adjusted your way of thinking to include a new baby. We'd already started making plans to move house so we'd have more room.

Most disappointingly, this was potentially our last chance to conceive naturally, as DH started chemo for testicular cancer last week and it is likely that he will be infertile after the treatment, so we'd have to go down the IVF route.

Selfishly, I feel that I can't even mope around feeling miserable as DH is pretty sick and tired after his chemo, so I'm looking after him, and 9mo DD!

Twitttooo, I completely echo Harriet's words when it comes to age, 2 of the ladies in my NCT group were 41 when they conceived! And everyone in the group is older than me (I'm 30), so really, I wouldn't start worrying about age for several years!!

Good luck to all of you in the future, I truly hope it all works out for you soon x

MrsMcJnr Mon 20-Jun-11 21:19:26

Twittwooo I can feel your pain and know exactly how you feel. Four years ago I had a MC at 14wks and it tore my world apart. I have just had another at 6 weeks and although the disappointment and pain are still there I wish I could counsel that former me. When people say that there is nothing that you could have done to stop it, that is the truth, our bodies take over sometimes and there is nothing that we can do. I can feel better than I did 4 years ago because I have a 3y5m DS and 2yr DD to keep me busy and they remind me what it is for a body to get it right. I hope your healing includes a new baby very soon.

harrietlichman Mon 20-Jun-11 21:36:14

MissRedIndie - so sorry to hear your story, I remember you from the other board (the one I have had to hide!) and it must be really, really difficult for you. I guess at this stage your main priority is looking after your dh and your daughter, but there is hope for you. I really feel for you and your dh, I hope you are managing to get through this horrible time with lots of love and support from those around you.
MrsMcJnr - I am in a similar position in that I have children already, and though it doesn't take away the pain of losing one, it does help I think.
It has really helped me to be on here and to share stories and offer and receive support from each other.

NorksAreMessy Mon 20-Jun-11 21:37:03

So sorry for your losstwittwooo . i have had two mc and remember the complete emptiness that I felt afterwards.

What did help, though, was telling as many people as possible. I know it sounds mad, and that it might be embarrasing or painful, but it really helped.

Completely random people were wonderfully sympathetic, odd people like great aunts confided in me and told me their stories, every single person told me it was absolutely NOT my fault, the whole wonderful community of women supported me fully and unconditionally. I was so grateful.

They did not take the pain away, but they stood with me and did not judge, criticise or blame.

Sending you my love, hope and sympathy

Twittwooo Tue 21-Jun-11 07:36:14

MissRedIndie, I'm so sorry to hear about your experience and I hope you and your DH can support each other through these tough times. One thing my DH and I have spoken about is that the experience has brought us closer together. My DH said to me that it made him realise how fragile we all are, and I think something like this stops us from taking our loved ones for granted which helps us to develop an ever closer bond.

Thanks to MrsMcJnr and NorksAreMessy for your empathy and kind words. I'm still thinking about what has happened all the time, but I think I'm dealing with it. I get the results of my second blood tests today or tomorrow so that should hopefully give me some kind of closure and help me to move on.

I'm not sure if telling lots of people is the right thing for me, but maybe if the topic of children comes up in conversation with friends in the future I will share my experience. It's not that I see it as a big secret, Im just not sure I want to bring it up because nobody knows we are trying to start a family.

Love to you all. xx

nwthree Wed 22-Jun-11 14:55:04

So sorry to hear your news. I just thought I'd chime in with a positive - I had a couple of early miscarriages but now I have a wonderful toddler who is an absolute joy. There were many times I thought it would never happen, and I will never know what caused those miscarriages. What I do know is that a miscarriage does not mean that you can't have a baby - far from it. Take heart from the fact that you were able to conceive, as even getting that far is impossible for some people. And please don't beat yourself up - these things happen and I'm absolutely sure it wasn't the odd cup of tea that made the difference. Best of luck for the future xx

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