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More support is needed for those who have suffered a miscarriage

(16 Posts)
Trestired Thu 16-Jun-11 11:58:06

I am posting here because I had a miscarriage over a year ago. I now have a beautiful, healthy baby and despite being traumatised at the time and convinced that I would never have a baby, I fell pregnant three months later-so a happy ending.

I am however shocked at how little information and support there is for women who have had a miscarriage. I was meant to be 12 weeks pregnant but the baby had died at 10 weeks. I had my scan. The atmosphere in the room told me everything I feared even though not a word had been spoken. I was sent home to let things happen naturally.

'It's really common.' Not for me it isn't.
'You may experience some period type pain.' That was an understatement.

What followed was horrific.

I was in absolute agony when it began. Bleeding. Clots. Passing out. Cold sweats. Broken hearted. Shattered dreams-and more physical agony (worse than labour pains actually)until the dreaded sound of the splash as the sac hit the toilet bowl. I couldn't look.

I am really feeling for you all at the minute. I remember being pissed of with every pregnant woman I saw, and they seemed to be EVERYWHERE. One woman sat opposite me on the train wearing a 'baby on board' badge. I could have smacked her.

I took a week off work and spent a good deal of time getting drunk and crying. Then I had to get on with things. It got a bit easier over time but eventually got tired of peeing on sticks. Firstly to check that I wasn't still pregnant. Then the dreading ovulation kits and poor other half being shagged within an inch of his like near ovulation date.

Sorry for the long post but again, just because miscarriage is common, shouldn't mean that women are sent packing with little more information than 'you'll probably get pregnant again.' I wish I could do something about this.

PS: It did only take me 3 months to get pregnant again so don't give up hope those of you who are feeling hopeless and helpless.

escapeartist Thu 16-Jun-11 16:46:36

Thanks for posting on here and congratulations on the healthy baby! smile

I feel the same - I had a mmc at 10 weeks 2 and abit months ago and I am now finally ready to start again (am I the only who was off sex after the ERPC?). I recognise all the feelings you describe - unfortunately I am still going through the hating of all pg women (especially those so blissfully unaware of the possibiliy that something would go wrong!)

If I am ask - how did your second pg go - were you a wreck or did you manage to relax at some point? I am scared of getting pregnant again... but also scared of not being able to get pg again.. strange, but very true! Starting to try again is very daunting!

freelancegirl Thu 16-Jun-11 17:18:56

Totally agree with you Trestired and escape and I know many people who do too. I am a journo (a completely fluffy, non-news, more like PR style of journalism) but my recent experience with miscarrying and now testing has inspired me to film it in a bid to cobble together a documentary about miscarriage just to try to open up some of those closed doors. People don't seem to talk about it (expect here of course) and it is treated as a rather routine occurrence by the medical profession. There are plenty of other very routine occurrences (cancer, disease, death...) that are given a lot more sympathy - just because miscarriage is common it is no reason for the medical profession to treat it any less seriously. I was sent home to miscarry naturally with no information at all. Even a bloody leaflet would be nice. TresTired it's lovely to hear it all worked out for you and thanks for still being here offering support!

VikkieSh Tue 21-Jun-11 13:28:40

I totally agree - I have posted my experince as "Bad experience" - but I found the after care terrible. It has been the most traumatic event of my life. I feel for everyone who has been in our position.

The Mumsnet code of practise is excellent - I thing there should be an online petition so that we could back it up?

It's truely shocking that we should be treated so badly.

InMyPrime Tue 21-Jun-11 13:44:50

Yes, trestired, your story sounds similar to mine. I had an MMC just a few days before my 12 week scan was due and it was horrendous. I had all the same lines about 'it's very common' and that natural miscarriage would involve 'between 2 and 4 hours of intense pain' (a phrase that is burned in my mind as it was so misleading hmm ) and otherwise normal period pains. There's very little information available to women having an MC of any kind and very little understanding about the medical background to it and implications. Most people assume a miscarriage is just a heavy period.

I was left really devastated after my MMC as well and thought I'd never have a healthy pregnancy but here I am 10 months on and 6 months pregnant (fingers crossed I have a happy outcome like yours...). There is a lot of support out there but most of it focuses on the emotional impact - very little deals with the anxiety about pregnancy and birth that MC can cause or the trauma of going through the physical process and the fear it induces. I was certainly terrified during my MMC about haemorrhaging or developing an infection because the pain and bleeding was so bad.

At the moment, I am off sick from work due to workplace stress (sham redundancy process following from my announcement that I was pregnant - have engaged a solicitor now who is acting for me) and have mentioned my MC as a background to my health problems and a reason why stress and anxiety in pregnancy is a particular concern for me. Not one person has acknowledged this when handling my complaint. Everyone has assumed that I am just chancing my arm and skirted around the miscarriage issue completely. It's a taboo and something people either know nothing about or have little sympathy for. On that basis, freelancegirl, I think your idea about a documentary is really good. You could put together case studies / interviewees via mumsnet, maybe? Might also be a good chance to highlight the mumsnet petition on standards of care.

faintpositive Mon 27-Jun-11 17:12:41

Couldnt agree more.

Ive just written a statement and submitted it to the acute pain nurses in order for them to review the analgesia provisions for people suffering miscarriage.

IME its hit and miss and depends on the nurse on duty.

I was told by my GP that i would need "simple analgesia", he recommended paracetamol or co proximal.

So after arriving at hospital passing clots and with pain/contractions so severe that i could not talk or breath, i was given my 1st shot of morphine via a drip in my hand.
This only took the edge off, so they gave me gas & air, which also took the edge off.
I drained a whole cylinder overnight with contractions every 10 minutes on the dot for the next 12 hours. Had additional morphine and tramadol as well as the gas & air.
I eventually passed my baby onto the floor as i couldnt get to the toilet quickly enough. I got a paper towel and picked it up and put it into the bedpan.
I was 8 weeks. This has been my experience fo all 5 of my miscarriages, i have needed to be hospitalised for pain control.

I was put into a side room on the ward, and left to it, no blood pressure check, no sympathetic hand holding, not communication with another human being throuhg out the ordeal.

DH could not be with me as he had to stay home and look after our ds and none of our family are willing to help.

Im no wuss, i am a hardy bird normally, but have never experienced pain like it.
Poor provisions indeed.

Magicofthinkingbig Tue 28-Jun-11 10:22:44

Totally agree. (Waves to Freelance)

I'm on my second miscarriage after a successful 1st pg and am left astounded at the pathetic advice offered from both doctors and midwives, 'no-body knows why it happens', 'you're older now', 'its just bad luck' and the shrug and the wet smile as if you've just got to lump it and try again. You're left with no idea what to expect and you're right- what you have to deal with on your own in the bathroom is macabre. I'm so glad I had Freelance and Diamonds on the other end of Mumsnet otherwise I wouldnt have had a clue wink.

Now I'm going through the whole thing again and its no better. This time I had a bloody great go at the midwife for the shoddy set-up at the hospital tho'. (Where I had to wait for my scan with a load of pregnant women talking about when it was due. One of whoms partner (I assume) had his shell-suit tucked into his socks and was munching a fizzy orange chew for breakfast but thats just me being snobby!). If I was trying for my first baby I would have been devastated.

Great idea about the documentary and I think you'll find a lot of campaigners here!

Mama5isalive Tue 28-Jun-11 10:37:17


my experience was different as i didnt miscarriage - it was called a missed miscarriage -
Last week monday went along to my 12 week scan to be told at 12.15 im sorry to tell you there is no heartbeat!!!!! what!!!!!!!!!!! my whole body went into shock i feel so pregnant - my boobs are still sore i still have morning sickness what are you telling me!!!!!!! i refused to cry she seemed so unaware that right then my heart was broken!!!!!!!!!!! then as i went along to see the doctor we was put in a room with some tissues and i still refused to cry, maybe they had it wrong! as i glanced down at my still very showing belly!
when was seen by the dr, she told me 3 options 1. leave it to pass naturally!
2. tablets to induce labour, 3 op. My DH said op straight away but them looked at me with my eyes still not able to focus, i couldnt even hear what she was saying,we left with some leaflets and i went home shattered.
waking up feeling pregnant going to bed knowing im not anymore!!!!!!!!!
walking around with a big belly just reminded me of the cold hard facts, my baby died inside of me and i was so blissfully unaware!
went back the following day - was told we had a 9am appointment to discuss it some more with dr. we was placed in the waiting room with - pregnant women who was experiencing some forms of pains!!!!!!!! are they having a laugh my DH said and walked out for some air, how horrible i felt looking at them knowing they still had chances of there babies being ok!
after 1.30 mins waiting we went in to be told "the product" meaning my baby would be removed, having the op would make sure "the product was all gone"
Ahhhhhh i wanted to scream " my baby, my baby" but i guess its a term they use to make it somehow easier to deal with remove yourself from the fact it was a baby! wed 5am woke to insert these 3 tabs to soften the inner lining!
i started to bleed i noticed as i did so, no op i hoped, but when i reached the hospital and was told to get changed for the op, i had a huge need to go toilet as i did i just felt a pull and out came what i can only describe as my baby! i couldnt move as i saw blood and alot of it! i pressed the bell for a nurse and she reassure me it was normal and helped me get cleaned up and returned me to my bed, 10 mins later i felt again a large pull and tried to get up but to late and out it was in my bed! i pushed the button again and the nurse appeared, i explained something was happeining and as she pulled back the sheets her face told me what i already knew my baby was coming out! she called another nurse and they helped me out of the bed and tried to hide it from me, and conceled it in a basin! " oh God" i cried!!!!!!!
as they re sanned me i was told the product is still there and so the op was going ahead! sleep, woke up in recovery knowing it was over and my Baby was really gone!
Im dealing with loads of close friends very pregnant and trying to avoid me now not knowing what to say trying to hide there large baby bumps! and the excitemnet for the 1st timers! what hurts is not those but finding out that me and another women was due around the same time and to see her belly made my throat really dry! im happy for i have had 3 beautiful children and a loving DH but i cant speak about it anymore and im still dealing with the after pains and bleeding! its been a week, yesterday i cried at 12.15 knowing this was the time i found out! silly i know, but i guess im dealing with it my way!
life goes on though!!!!! as i sit and type this i feel better sharing this with complete faceless strangers who have all dealt and are still dealing with this!

i want to fast forwards and completely forget this ever happened, i got rid of my midwife notes, letters from pampers congratualting me!!!!!!!!!!
and all the apps that where on my phone telling me about my unborn child1
13 weeks and 3 days today - my no belly to show but an empty feeling and a heavy heart!

Catsycat Tue 28-Jun-11 20:09:10

Oh, Mama5, I'm so sorry. What a horrible experience. I'm going through this at home at the moment, and it does just make you want to scream. Our poor babies. I hope we'll both start to heal soon. xx

Mama5isalive Thu 30-Jun-11 01:42:08

Catsycat - how are you feeling today!

I pray all is well with you, well as much as it can be at this sad and heartbreaking time!

womanwholivedinashoe Thu 30-Jun-11 10:58:01

I lost my baby at 11 weeks last week but had been bleeding for almost a week prior to that. I was advised useless things such as bed rest and it'll be alright and the scan was booked for the Tuesday, bleeding started on the Friday longest weekend of my life. On the Tuesday I was informed the baby sac was there but the 'product' had gone and I cried like a baby. I thought I was a strong person and could deal with most things but this oh most definitely not.
I was also advised of the 3 things that could happen and to come along again in a week to see what happens.
The very next morning I went into labour excruciating pains perhaps more severe in the fact that you knew it was spelling bad news rather than the treasured baby,
I was not giving any leaflets at all, no information of what might happen just that it would be better to pass naturally.
My god has it happened to them BETTER?????
No one can prepare you for the pain, the heartache, the utter despair that you can't do anything to save your baby.
I still feel pregnant now but obviously know i'm not as i've had my scan and all the products are gone so no need for an op.
Still crying like a baby now and I hope the heartache goes away soon. I've been told the only way a woman can ever get over a miscarriage is to have another baby at almost 42 its unlikely for me and I could never contemplate what it must be like to have the fear of miscarriage when pregnant again sad.
My marriage is at breaking point i'm blaming him for everything, I actually just want him to walk out the door and leave me alone. That's all I really want is to be alone. When I was having my miscarriage DH stated that we have a beautiful 8 month old (we do) and that at least i'll be able to go back out to work now!!!! I have felt all kinds of emotions, guilt for not expecting the pregnancy so soon after my little one and actually not sure if I wanted the pregnancy (haunts me so much) telling my BF that I felt guilty for being pregnant as she had been trying for so long (that was the day before I started bleeding). I know they say they don't know why it happens but but sad
It took me 2 weeks to be able to see my friends including BF and she went straight into her fertility challenge and wanted to get pregnant before her holiday with her in laws as she didn't want to be fat on holiday. I love her but could have strangled her there and then instead I went quietly into the kitchen and had a cry sad. No one mentioned my loss sad its a subject that people hide from, even now the only way I cope it to think it never happened and then i'll have another complete relapse and cry non stop for a couple of hours.
Someone should do a documentary as mentioned above or a book or something, women need to be given more information about what happens and for support afterwards instead of saying "wait for your next period then you can try again" sad

womanwholivedinashoe Thu 30-Jun-11 10:58:22

ps sorry it was so long been bottling it up sad

Mama5isalive Thu 30-Jun-11 11:12:22

Ohhhh womenwholivedinashoe my heart is breaking for you right now with the feelings being just so raw and real and words just cant express the lonely dark place your mind goes too!sad but please hold on to your husband please! dont shut him out scream at him if you need to too and deal with your inner feelings!
You have both lost a child and your feeling of all this are different as we the women its our bodies that seem to be against us, but our DH are suffering by watching us crying and having to deal with the pain! oh i wish i could give you a big hug and say it will be better tomorrow but the true is for a long time the pain willbe fresh and real and seeing others so blissfully happy big and pregnant is so painful its like tortue but take 1 day at a time!
is it possible for you to have some time away from it all? sad

womanwholivedinashoe Thu 30-Jun-11 20:17:07

We move house in 2 weeks, escaping to the country I call it but yes it'll be a fresh start away from it all and after i'd posted on here me and DH had a big heart to heart and you're right he so desperately wants to find a way for us to be happy again and i'm sure in time ......... we love each other to pieces so yes we'll draw on each other to get through this. But as you say its raw and it hurts, in fact like nothing i've ever experienced but one day at a time.
Thank you for the kind words Mama5isalive

Mama5isalive Fri 01-Jul-11 19:14:24

Hi all - went to GP today was an emotional wreck when i saw him last we was joking about twins! He was upset of the lack of follow up and no support so i came home and made a call waiting for someone to get back to me, no rush i coped up till now thank god for these threads!!!!!! and the wonderful support!

Also i have had pains like my time is due and have noticed im now bleeding is this normal for the time. op 22nd june, today period????????

lazarusb Thu 07-Jul-11 20:32:44

I hope I am welcome here, but this thread struck a chord with me. My mcs were a long time ago (1998 & 99) and I've had 2 dcs since then. Of course, my life has moved on but I still think about my lost babies frequently - every 2 or 3 days. I think that is mainly because I was encouraged to forget them and pretend they never existed by everyone I knew, including medical staff.

The first one was particularly horrendous - I have never told anyone exactly what happened and I don't want to upset any of you but I think it will always stay with me. There is a definitely an attitude surrounding mc that it is common, it's not really a baby, wasn't meant to be and the classic - you can always try again. People don't seem to realise that they are the last things you want to hear, especially when you are in the middle of dealing with the storm of emotions, physical and practical issues that are happening. It is a nightmare.

I think there should be much more support for grieving parents. Bereavement counselling should be offered to all those who go through it. There is a startling lack of information on what to do, what to expect....Sorry, I'm love to you all. It's a horrible thing.

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