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Diary of an optomistic pesamist...

(100 Posts)
faintpositive Tue 14-Jun-11 16:23:15

Just wnat to write a few words each day to help me through. Feel free to ignore as it will be mostly ramblings, but i feel it will help me.

Worked out that on Saturday, i will be 6 weeks.
Luckily at this moment in time, i do not know anyone else who is pregnant too.
This is always torturous as when i miscarry, and they continue blissfully with their pregnancies, it is painful to see them grow bigger and to then give birth.

There are allot of reminders within my circle of what i could have had.

Every night, i get into bed and think, "thank God, another day with no bleeding"
Every time i go to the loo, i try to force myslef not to look......just in case, i just cant bear it.
Mostly i dont, occasionally i do, and its like i have stopped breathing and suddenly taken a huge great breath of fresh cool air when the loo roll is clear of blood.
I feel ok, not strong symptoms this together with the faint positive leads me to think that this is not a strong and viable pregnancy. Waiting for it all to start again.

Appoitnment at the end of the week at Liverpool, see what they say. I started the 5mg folic acid, and asprin, but not sure about the injections, im not convinced about them, but what if they increase my chances??????
So every day is a bonus.
Refuse to post on any of the preg bourds, not told a soul, except dh obv. I am completely ignoring and putting it to the back of my mind as if it isnt happening.
every day, is a good day...i spose.

minmooch Tue 14-Jun-11 21:47:01

Hi faintpositive

Wishing you so much luck in your current pregnancy. I have had 5 miscarriages since losing my id twin daughters at 21 weeks and had 3 miscarriages before then. I am with you in spirit in your feelings as they echo what I feel each time I am pregnant.

My gp, bless her, has been fantastically supportive and each time I go to her with 'well here I am again' she says to me that each new pregnancy is a new chance for life and is different from the last pregnancy.

I so hope that this time it works out for you.

stmalo Tue 14-Jun-11 23:25:00

wishing you the best of luck and lots of hugs xx

HorseyGirl1 Wed 15-Jun-11 08:47:50

Sending you a hug and wishing you nothing but happiness to come xx

faintpositive Wed 15-Jun-11 10:42:58

Told my friend last night.
Bit of an anticlimax.

I think that people who have never had the experience of miscarriage can never understand. Not their fault, but they dont get it. Im not sure what i wanted from her, but she jsut didnt react in a way that i thought she would. It shows how introvert and selfish i am really.

Another day with no bleeding yesterday.

Feel so normal. Not sick, boobs less sore today, dont feel hungry at all.

Ive been going over in my head, people who have told me that they had no symptoms at all throughout thier pregnancy and i always thought "you are so lucky" having experienced extreme morning sickness myself.
I wish i felt sick now.
Its obviously a bad sign, for me to feel nothing. I know this because for every single one of my 6 pregnancies i have had strong symptoms.

Went against my strongest instinct and bought one of those digital tests, it said 2-3 weeks. Which fits, but i know Liverpool will work me out to be 6 weeks on Saturday, and will be making me frantic by telling me that the sac isnt what it should measure at 6 weeks....even though i concived 4 weeks ago.
I feel so alone & briused to my soul.

So, another day is here. Lets see what it brings.

Browncoats Wed 15-Jun-11 14:33:56

I'm in tears reading your post.

I'm so sorry you're so stressed during what is supposed to be a happy time.

I know how you feel, I've had 2 miscarriages and no-one really 'gets' it until they've experienced it themselves - something you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.

Big hugs to you

faintpositive Thu 16-Jun-11 19:25:02

Went to work today.
Had definite stirings of severe nausea on the journey to work, got all emotional and had a little cry.
Got to work and felt better.
Work was non stop, completely blew away the whole day in the blink of an eye....till 4pm, when i just culdnt keep my eyes open, didnt have anything to stay at work for, so i went to the car park and came home.

feel completely wrecked today.
Got appointment tomorrow, its like its a mark of something, like, come Saturday i will be 6 weeks, and that is marking something....6 weeks and no bleeding....YET.
Curiois about what they will do tomorrow..

faintpositive Fri 17-Jun-11 15:56:18

took blood, booked follow up appointment & scan
got medications.

That was it really.
Scan will show if anything is there, im not hopeful tbh.

Then it will be medical mangement again, im am worried about this as i have been on the asprin, i can foresee a very bloody & painful mc....Thank God for gas & air & morphine.

If there is something there, and it makes it past the 12 week mark, then ihave the amnio to not look forward to.

Its an insurmountable fecking mountain i have before me. sad

Feeling VERY negative and down today.

faintpositive Sat 18-Jun-11 14:22:32

Oh dear God in i fell out of my back door.
My ankle just gave way and i dramatically landed on my knee.....

Was MORTIFIED! Luckily there were no people around to see it, feel like such a twat gringrin
Before i even hit the ground i was thinking "my baby, my baby"
Today i am 6 weeks, ive been to the loo and no bleeding.
Early days...loooong days.

GenericDietCola Sat 18-Jun-11 19:58:42

You've reached a milestone - hope things go well this time. Miscarriages are horrible.

eve34 Sun 19-Jun-11 10:45:23

Faintpositive - really hope that you are keeping well. Each day is another closer I have everything crossed for you.

HorseyGirl1 Sun 19-Jun-11 12:37:40

Chin up, you're getting there, like the old song says 'one day at a time'! Live each day at the end of it think, that's another one done. xx

faintpositive Sun 19-Jun-11 14:55:48

Thanks x

So i feel absolutley nothing.
I am thinking that perhaps i have absorbed whatever was there into my system and now i am no longer pregnant.

Honestly, i feel, well, normal. Nothing at all.
I have always suffered horrendous morning/evening/night time sickness, now i feel nothing. Boobs not even that sore any more, so this probably indicates very low or reducing horone levels.
Im due my next injection tomorrow.
All i can do is really wait for the 2 weeks to be up and go to have it all confirmed, bleeding & pain may start in the meantime. Its usually around the 6-9 weeks that it all goes tits up so im kind of there.

HorseyGirl1 Sun 19-Jun-11 20:14:01

Maybe the fact that you don't feel like you did all those other times is actually a good sign. Keep strong, another day nearly done. xx

faintpositive Mon 20-Jun-11 13:58:03

Another day gone by, no bad stuff.

Working night shift tonight so that will also wipe out tomorow, im wishing my days away here grin.

Had my injection this morning, still dont feel anything except doom doom doom.
Cant be healthy.
I have thrown away the + pregnancy tests, becuase i feel nothing, quite normal, its like its not happening, ive got nothing to think about as i have nothing going on.
A lassy at work is pregnant..... so it begins.

eve34 Mon 20-Jun-11 14:56:53

Faint positive really hope that things are hanging on in there. Can you go for a private scan?

I have 2 friends who are due the same week I would of been - it is so hard to be happy for them. Really hope you are keeping ok.

Don't envy the night shift I have to say :-)

faintpositive Mon 20-Jun-11 16:56:23

Very little point in having a scan, it will show nothing up yet.
Scan booked for 2 weeks time anyway so will wait till then, i will know definitely then if i wait. (Although its 6 weeks since the date of my last period, i am actually only about 4 weeks, so even an internal scan wont show anything other than a sac, i ned to wait to see if there is anything in the sac and need to be at least 49 days pregnant to show that up)

I dont mind waiting tbh, ive been here that many times before i know from experience what to expect.
Another day nearly done....

crochetcircle Tue 21-Jun-11 09:18:15

faint positive pregnancy after mc is so difficult, and it must be harder still when you have experienced more than one. I really feel for you getting through these weeks. Like you I waited til 8 weeks for a scan as I wanted it to be definitive, or as much as possible.

Nothing anyone said really relaxed me in first tri after my mmc last year, so I know that what I'm going to say probably won't help. But none the less I wanted to tell you that the symptoms in my second (successful) pregnancy were very different to my first. My boobs did not get sore til 8 weeks, whereas they went at 4 weeks the first time. This really concerned me. My ms didn't start til later either, although it was stronger when it did arrive. There was nothing to do but wait it out, overanalysing everything.

Best wishes for the next few weeks, and I hope you get the support that you need both here and in RL.

faintpositive Tue 21-Jun-11 13:20:25

Hi Crochetcircle, thank you SO much for your lovely reply, what you say makes absolute sense to me and is so reassuring.
I just dont want to post on any of the pre*** boards asking about the difference in symptoms in subsequent pregnancies following mc.
I am just steering clear of anything that confirms anything for me. I am far too scared and anxious.
BUT at the same time...i want to know.

I worked the night shft last night, terrible back ache and some glimmers of nausea, just grazed on rubbish all night to maintain blood sugar and stave it off. Its like its breaking me in gently, saying every now and again...."Yooohooo, its me, morning sickness!! here i come, im on my way, brace yourself" grin
Also boobs, Dear GOD! If i could have taken them off and put them into my bag...i would have. Very painful indeed.
So in actual fact all of these combined sound good strong symptoms on paper....but then they always are, especially with the blighted ovums.
Just under 2 weeks to wait to find out for sure.
6w 3 days and still no bleeding....teeny tiny whoop whoop!

faintpositive Thu 23-Jun-11 18:56:52

Well, 6+ 5 and no bleeding so far.
Still feeling Nowt, absolutley nothing at all. This is brilliant because it means i can really ignore it completely. I go for hours without thinking about it. Its a relief tbh.

Got a scan in a week, this will tell us if there is anything there, so i am counting down to that now.
Ive made sure that i have a very busy week next week. Filled every minute of every day in my diary.
Offered to work on Saturday and im doing a birthday party for my friends little boy on Sunday so ive got loads to do.

Not told any one. No point.
I think that i am asking too much. Im 41 soon, ive had 5 mcs, so i am at a greater risk of abnormalities, and of mc so i cant expect anything, cant take anything for granted, cant presume and will not plan any further than the next hour. (babywise)
Another injection due tomorrow, ive some wopping bruises for my efforts.

Keep going, keep chin up smile

shirazplease Thu 23-Jun-11 19:39:49


Just wanted to say that you're not alone, and really admire how well you're coping. I'm in a similar situation, with 1 less loss than you. I do have 1 healthy DD though who's now 4, and for her, I'm unbelievably grateful.

I'm now pregnant too, 8 weeks tomorrow. Can't actually imagine this going anywhere. Had booking in appt today, felt like a waste of an hour and half (takes that long to go through my history). Have a scan next Tues. Feel sick at the thought.

Wishing you strength for the coming weeks.


faintpositive Thu 23-Jun-11 19:46:48

Hi shiraz.
Ahhh i cant tell you how nice it is to hear from some one with a similar story.

My boy is nearly 8 and like you i cant believe how lucky we are to have him.

Im not going anywhere near madwives or GP till after the scan next Thursday. I need to find out if there is anything there other than an empty sac.

Have you ever got to the bottom of your mcs?
What is it that makes you feel bad about the scan? It should be a happy day shouldnt it. But i completely understand what you mean.
I feel robbed of this happiness.

Ive rambled on so much in this thread, its very self indulgent but it has made me feel better in a small way.
Join me if you want smile

shirazplease Thu 23-Jun-11 19:56:47

Hello again FP

Unfortunately I needed to get booked in, so that I could get referred to the fetal medicine unit at the hospital, in order to get the nuchal fold test done in the right time frame. 2 of our known losses have been to different trisomies, 2 of the other losses were too early on to have remains tested.

Have undergone the recurrent miscarriage testing, but all came back clear, and was sent away with a diagnosis of 'just bad luck' but as precaution have now been put on 5mg FA, Cyclogest & aspirin. I'm a teensy bit hopeful that the massive FA dose may make a difference.

Our last loss was March 2010, and we spent a year not trying, and TBH I really enjoyed it. Gave me a chance to get my head around how lucky we are to have our DD, and that many unlucky folk don't even get that far.

Anyway, that's far too much rambling from me.

Much love xxx

faintpositive Thu 23-Jun-11 20:02:53

Good grief, we are SO similar!
Also had all the tests...all normal.
Im now on 5mg folic acid, 75mg asprin and Ovotril injections twice a week.

All my mcs have been early, before 9 weeks, one was 13 weeks, but i knew that would happen at around 7 weeks. So i have never had tests on those.
Strangley 3 out of the 5 have been blighted ovum, or an empty sac. They dont know what causes this, but say its unusual to have more than one.
Chromozome testing all normal for both of us.
Most Odd.

They say that possibly its a probelm with clotting, but all of my clotting assays have proved normal.

Willing to try anything now though.

shirazplease Thu 23-Jun-11 20:13:55

There's SO much that has yet to be learned in the fetal medicine field. SURELY 4 losses, 2 of which are known chromosomal problems (T21 & T13) CAN'T be bad luck? Really?!

I just hope that whatever is wrong with me/us doesn't affect DD when she comes to have babies, would hate for her to have to go through this too.

I am thinking that if this pregnancy doesn't work out, I'm going to have to call it a day in the baby making department. Don't have the strength to carry on like this. With each loss I become a little more cynical, and a little more cold. It's not nice.

Sending love and positive thoughts xx

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